With Baby Boomers making up a significant percentage of the national population and now reaching their 60s and beyond, much has been written about the joys and pains of growing older.
On one hand, we tend to be more at peace with ourselves and our lives. Whether that comes from cumulative decades of meditation or more from simply slowing down the frenetic pace of our youth, trying to have it all or do it all (preferably simultaneously), it can be liberating to just let things go.
Our marriages are either solid, having weathered storms and shared triumphs, or we’ve worked up the courage to pack up our wheelie cart and announce, “You treat me like crap, and I’m out of here. Buh-bye, jackass,” finally understanding that sometimes we’re happier alone. Our kids have grown and been launched, free to succeed or fail from their own choices, enabling us to finally let go of the feeling that every single mistake they make is somehow our fault. (Little Johnny robbed a bank? Where was his mama??” Well, “little Johnny” is thirty years old. His mama is done.) We’re often more spiritual because “what happens next” matters more at sixty-five than it did at twenty-five, and we’re feeling a bit on the clock to figure it all out in time.
On the other hand, we struggle through menopause, tossing Hubby out of bed every night at 3 a.m. to rip the cold, soaked sheets off the bed and open all the windows despite near-frigid winter temperatures. Our bodies morph into shapes we don’t recognize, and now we’re selecting underwear less for its “Hey, Sailor” appeal than for its ability to hide back fat and temporarily defy gravity (at least until we take it off, at which point our body parts come crashing down like wet sandbags. This has proven to a more effective prevention against sex on top than any amount of fundamentalist preaching about the sanctity of the missionary position). People no longer look at our grandchild and ask, “Is that your daughter?” Senior discounts are automatically deducted from our dining tabs, without a request for our I.D. Buffed young hotties offer to carry our groceries, but no longer whistle when we walk by.
Yeah, sometime getting older just blows.
But one morning, I woke up to an email from a friend, with one of the funniest list of Boomer wisdom I’d read in a long time. I cringed, giggled, and laughed out loud, and promptly forwarded them to everyone I know. I have no idea who wrote these, so I can’t give proper credit, but they cracked me up, mostly because I could relate to every one of them. I’m sharing them with you, in hopes that they’ll add a little silliness to your day. We’re all getting older, and sometimes all we can do is laugh.
1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment in during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
5. Seriously, has anyone ever figured out how to fold a fitted sheet??
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on Step #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. Bad decisions make the best stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection. Again.
12. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my 10-page technical report that I swear I didn’t make any changes to.
13. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone so I know not to answer when they call.
14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. It’s 2 a.m. in there, too.
15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I’d bet that on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Light.
16. I wish Google had an “Avoid Ghetto” option.
17. I have a hard time distinguishing between boredom and hunger, so I usually eat anyway, just in case.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word someone said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent one jerk from speeding up and cutting in at the front.
20. Shirts gets dirty. Underwear gets dirty. But pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phones, or pinning the tail on the donkey. But those same people can find and whack the snooze button from three feet away, in 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
22. (This one kills me.) The first testicular guard, or “cup,” was used in hockey in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is as important as their junk. Bahahahaha.
As they say, “With age comes wisdom.” I’m feeling wiser already.