Those of you who know me or who read my blog (bless you!) know that I love Hollywood. It’s weird and silly, and never ceases to fascinate me. “Planet Hollywood” is more than just a restaurant concept. It’s a state of existence. Where else on earth would bizarrely rich, impossibly beautiful, and questionably talented but obviously well connected adults get away with acting like exhausted, sugar-addled 2-yr-olds after too many rides on the Matterhorn? These people live on another plane of reality, and I just can’t help sneaking a peek every now and then. As 2012 comes to a close, I have compiled a short list of my version of People Magazine’s “Memorable Famous Moments.”
My nominees for the “God, I Love Hollywood” Awards for 2009-2012 are:
2009: Tiger Woods. Tiger made a public statement after his affairs were discovered, regarding the state of his marriage. (Apparently this man cheated on his mistresses…Dear Lord, when did he have the strength to play golf?) First of all, WE DON’T CARE. You cheated, you lied, shut up. He bemoaned the public attention and said they wanted to “work this out in private.” Then consider fewer press conferences. THEN Mistress #? says she’s just “hoping he’ll pick her” and they can “have a happy life together.” Wow. Now we know you like ’em pretty. Next time, try smart.
2010: Charlie Sheen. Summarily fired from Two and a Half Men for being too weird (think about THAT for a moment). I tried to have compassion for his very public, extreme crash-and-burn. Possibly, a culture that pays sitcom actors $2 million per episode is partially to blame for the inflated egos and staggering levels of entitlement. However, months later, Chuckie announces he would “reconsider” going back (even though he hadn’t been asked) for $3 million per. What universe do you live in where the next step after GETTING FIRED is demanding a raise??
2011: A tie going to…
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Said in an interview that he was “shocked” that Maria wouldn’t accept his apologies and still wanted a divorce. Says he knows he did wrong, but didn’t think his multiple affairs and extramarital child should be a deal-breaker and that “sincere conversation” should bring reconciliation. Maria responded with something like, “Bite me, you loser, and oh, leave a big fat check on your way out.” Now he says HE feels betrayed. And there are still some people who don’t believe steroids cause brain damage.
The Kardashians. Mama K had them all publicly whining about sister Kim being denied a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Seems Hollywood doesn’t feel that reality “stars” meet the criteria of longevity in the industry, awards received, and philanthropic endeavors. So Kimi, Snookie, The Situation (who NAMES these people??) and any housewife of any county are going to have to find another way to promote themselves. (I’m thinking Elizabeth Taylor, Paul Newman, Jimmy Stewart, Kirk Douglas, and Lucille Ball are together somewhere, smiling.)
2012: Heidi Klum and Seal. Calling it quits after 6 years of marriage. They claim a desire to “keep their personal life private” (notwithstanding the tell-all book he wrote about her), and are not giving out reasons for the marital collapse. Personally, I think it’s those stupid vow renewal ceremonies they insisted on having EVERY SINGLE YEAR since their first anniversary. Good Lord, the LAST thing I would remind Kenny, on an annual basis, is that he promised (in a fit of Phase I relationship delirium) to stay with me “ALL THE DAYS OF HIS LIFE.” He’s much happier when I tell him it’s just “one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.”
Who would you have nominated?