A friend of mine recently had her breasts “upsized,” and she’s determined that no one will ever know they’re not natural. Okay, babe. Love ya, but we need a tiny reality check here. You’re 50. You weigh 103 pounds, and you’re a size 2 (and we’re still friends, which shows what a secure woman I […]
Okay, I confess. I’ve always been a bit jealous of women who can live without beauty products. Nature babies who can hit the open road on the back of a motorcycle, with all their multipurpose (shampoo, body wash, deodorant AND laundry detergent IN ONE BOTTLE) personal care items stuffed into a saddle bag, with room […]
As yet another birthday looms over the horizon, I find myself sounding like my parents, lamenting about the increasingly more rapid passage of time, and standing here wondering how my brain could still be 42, but my body is apparently my brain’s much-older sister. I remember clearly turning 30. I loved turning 30. I felt, […]
Making lists of spring cleaning chores to get the house, the yard, and my car cleaned up for summer, and it made me wonder why I wasn’t doing the same for ME. I looked down at my body and peered into the mirror at my face, and decided I needed the same summer tune-up the […]
Those of you who have been reading my blog for the last few months (Bless you. Your share of my lottery winnings are in the mail) know that I love Hollywood. It’s fun, silly, and just weird enough to make me feel normal. A recent issue of Star Magazine (yes, I subscribe…don’t judge), featured an […]
When Kenny and I “re-met” at our 25th high school reunion, we had both been married before and were children of reasonably large, blended families, which simply means that we were both well versed in the different communication styles of men and women. At the risk of generalizing (and offending people who don’t speak in […]
Enjoying the warmer temperatures and anticipating upcoming spring weather, I took a look at my all-black closet and decided to go do some spring shopping for a little color. My plans took a slight shift when Kenny announced he’d like to join me, but then I envisioned a few new purchases, with a stop for […]
Working in women’s retail for 2+ decades, I’ve learned a lot about our gender. When men shop for clothes, they tend to hold the item in question up, give it a quick, cursory glance, and grunt “Looks good. I’ll take it.” 3 older brothers, 2 dads, and a couple of husbands, and I’ve yet to […]
Holy crap. Apparently there’s a woman who just gave birth to her 15th surrogate baby. SERIOUSLY?? During my seemingly 3-year-long pregnancy with Jake, I gained 65 pounds (count ’em… Sixty. Five.) I wasn’t too worried about it at the time, because I assumed I would have a 65-pound baby and fit back into my pre-pregnancy […]
Up past my usual 8:30 bedtime one night and, like a 3-year-old who gets to stay up late with the big people, I thought I’d check out what goes on in cyberspace after 10:00. Five minutes online, and struck gold.
Apparently there’s a new facebook app called the “Social Media Sobriety Test,” designed to help prevent regrettable, late-night, drunken posts to spouses (“Babe, SO sorry I slept with your sister. I was drunk and thought she was you”), employers (“Didn’t like my presentation, jackass?? I QUIT”), ex-lovers (“Pleeeez take me back. Sob. I’m just a pathetic loser without you”), friends (“Seriously, dude, you REALLY don’t know your wife is sleeping with your best friend?? Everyone else does”), or family members (“Yeah, you just THINK mom loves you best. She gave me a thousand bucks for my birthday last year. What did she give YOU?”)
Once installed, whenever you try to post after 10 p.m., it automatically opens a quick test (you have to type in the alphabet BACKWARDS, which I can’t do sober, so yeah, I’m screwed). If you fail, you can’t log in. But just to make sure the entire universe knows your every move, it then UPDATES YOUR STATUS to say “(Your name) can’t post tonight because he/she is intoxicated.” Awesome. (At this point, if you’re at a bar and any of your facebook friends are local police officers, I wouldn’t try to drive home, since you just publicly outed your current condition. “Yeah, I’m drunk, and yep, I’m driving home now.”) So this amazing app saves relationships and jobs, AND reduces DUI convictions. And best of all, it’s FREE!
But since I’m a social media junkie (show me a blogger who isn’t, and I’ll show you a writer that writes to hear herself speak), I had to pass on anything that threatens to kick me offline, so I moved on to late-night shopping. Settling in with a glass of wine (since I’m neither posting on facebook or driving), I booted up a search for something fun and girly to buy. Having more luck than I usually experience with lottery tickets or blackjack, I quickly struck gold for the second time that night. Up popped a photo, with accompanying link, to the BOSOM MAX.
Pink (of course), frilly, and cut down to there