I have a confession to make. I read (okay, fine, I subscribe) to Star magazine. I don’t know why, but I can’t resist. Bizarre tales and zoomed photos of uber beautiful, obscenely rich, questionably talented stars, who can’t seem to stop screwing up their lives. Between multiple stints in rehab, public mental breakdowns, entitled attitudes and arrogance, weird plastic surgery, and inexplicable clothing choices, they’re like a train wreck you can’t not watch. One of the most fascinating consequences of fame and fortune seems to be an inability to stay married.
These people seem to think that making it to two years means the marriage was a success, and now it’s time to split the $175 million estate and move on to something a little fresher, a little newer. But before they part company, somebody has to pay off the nanny to keep her from making a booty-load of money selling secrets to the tabloids about their scary parenting techniques and the fact that she’s been sleeping with Daddy for the past four years. Meanwhile, Mommy’s co-star has ditched his new wife for her, but too bad for him because Mommy has decided to take up with the 26-year-old UPS driver because he brings her expensive packages every day and he’s got six-pack abs.
It’s clear to me that Hollywood is desperately in need of a common-sense therapist to the stars. Someone has to tell these people that they’re doing it wrong. While they’re obviously well versed in weddings, they’re woefully short on any practical knowledge of marriage. I’m not sure where everyone is getting their marriage advice, but it’s bad. Bad.
Here’s what I imagine Mommy and Daddy Superstar are telling their young, future Hollywood Walk-of-Famer about marriage:
- Fight about everything. Nothing is too small or off-limits. After all, you’re the star in this relationship. If you give in, ever, you’ll be perceived as weak, which won’t serve you well in the divorce.
- The marriage should be just like the honeymoon. If, in a year, he isn’t treating you the same way he treated you on your honeymoon in Bora Bora, he’s lost interest and is probably sleeping with your sister. This won’t reflect well on you. Dump his ass.
- Don’t be afraid to threaten him with divorce if he doesn’t get back in line. Tape the Pre-Nup to the refrigerator door. Highlight the part that says he walks away with the clothes on his back if you are unhappy for any reason.
- If you don’t get at least half his crap during the divorce, sell your sex videos to the tabloids. You can always blame the slutty nanny.
- Never go to bed angry. Stay up and duke it out, no matter how ugly it gets. Lots of alcohol will make it easier to express your hostility. Remember to insult his dead grandmother’s alcoholic sister and her unemployed loser husband as often as possible. This will remind him not to mess with you.
- You should be having torrid, adventurous sex at least three times a week. Every night is better. He needs to be sexually exhausted at all times. You don’t want him all frisky and out on a film shoot with a leggy 20-year-old camera tech. He’ll get caught with her, naked in his trailer, and that just makes everything all messy.
- When in public, be “in love.” Celebrity power couples need to be seen as a couple. If you’re fighting, fake it. Remember, the paparazzi loves a public smackdown, but the public loves a love story. You’re an actress, dammit. Act.
- If your relationship is in trouble, have a baby. Preferably from your current hubs or a third-world country, and not the pool boy, but whatever gets the job done. Adorable baby girls swathed in Vera Wang are great for “Just chillin’ at home with the kids” photo ops, and the public eats that shit up. For all that day-to-day parenting crap that you won’t have time for, that’s why God invented nannies. But get an ugly one. It’s well documented that men are biologically incapable of resisting the nanny (see #4).
- Do not, under any circumstances, refer to each other as “Mom” and “Dad,” to your kids or to Winston, that ridiculous pot-bellied pig you two bought because it was trendy. At the end of the day, no man wants to sleep with Mom.
- He needs to understand that you have an extended family and he’s got obligations. Bring him over and make sure he knows he’s expected to befriend and help support anyone at the dinner table who needs it. Yes, that includes your trampy sister, your rehab-proof stepbrother, and of course, your mother, who slept with your last four boyfriends. (Can’t you just let that go? It wasn’t her fault. She’s got a condition.)
- It’s better to marry for money or career visibility than for love. Love fades. Money lasts forever, if you’re smart. And for God’s sake, always get married in a community-property state. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that.
- Learn to keep secrets from each other. The marriage could hit a rough patch too soon if he ever discovers you signed the Pre-Nup with your sister’s name, and that those three months you claimed to be overseas helping starving children in Rwanda, you were actually in rehab. Again. And does he really need to know that you have three plastic surgeons on speed dial because when you were in high school, you had thick glasses, a large mole on your chin, and a schnoz that could snort up a small puppy?
- If you’re feeling bored or restless, or Hubs isn’t paying enough attention to you, get out there and have a little fling. It’ll make you feel all girly and sexy again, and you can take all that forbidden energy back home to the hubs. Win-win.
Now let’s go buy you a wedding dress. Money is no object. We’ll use the orphan fund. They won’t mind, because, after all, you’re a star.