“If You’re a Fly on the Wall in My House in December”
by Marcia Kester Doyle
If you’re a fly on the wall in my house in December, you’ll get quite dizzy with our frenzied holiday preparations. You might even land in my spiked eggnog, so don’t believe everything you overhear in my home. It’s probably just the rum talking.
“Elves are the illegitimate children of Mrs. Claus, who was the original ho. That’s why Santa yells, ‘Ho Ho Ho!’ ”
“Reindeer poop is magic fertilizer for the garden—kind of like Miracle Grow.”
“—Does this mean the roses will sprout antlers?”
“You have too many tubs full of holiday stuff here! You belong on Hoarders . . . the Christmas Edition.”
“Santa must be an agoraphobic. He leaves his house only once a year to drop off gifts and pilfer cookies.”
“What is the nog in eggnog? The dregs of the egg?”
“Stop feeding the dog so much Christmas ham. Pretty soon she’s going to need a pug girdle.”
“I think I have a holiday yeast infection.”
“—Then you’re out of luck because I don’t think they make Monistat for men.”
“He hated having to wear that tux to the party. He was practically foaming at the mouth for a beer. It made him look like a rabid penguin.”
“Are those moose knuckles in your pants or are you just happy to meet me under the mistletoe?”
“I love your holiday rum cake, but it always gives me heartburn. I’ll need a barrel o’ Tums after eating a slice. An enema might also be in order.”
“What does he want for Christmas?”
“—An alligator, but it needs to be toothless.”
“—Why, so it can gum him to death?”
“Are you planning on spending New Year’s Eve passed out on the front lawn again?”
“—I wouldn’t mind it as long as there aren’t any more fire ants on the grass. Last year I woke up looking like I had measles.”
“What a nice surprise: a Coconut Bliss pillow from the mattress store for Christmas. It smells like vanilla cake. If I wake up a few pounds heavier tomorrow and the pillow is missing, you’ll know why.”
“I just had a two-layer burp—Special K cereal on top of taco salad. I think I’ll follow it up with some Christmas fudge.”
“I don’t need Viagra. I have you.”
“Time to upgrade your radio for Christmas, Mom. You know, they do make ones that aren’t as big and heavy as a cinder block.”
“Next year I want to be in the Christmas boat parade.”
“—Forget it, the pirate rum ships disappeared a long time ago.”
“I’m not trying to be a grinch, but I’m tired of putting up Christmas yard decorations. The lights always burn out and inevitably the reindeers will end up beheaded. The others have backward antlers. They’re dyslexic reindeers.”
*Fly On The Wall, the holiday edition, was hosted by Karen of bakinginatornado.com
Marcia Kester Doyle is the bestselling author of the humor book, Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane, and the voice behind the popular midlife blog, “Menopausal Mother.” Her work has been featured on numerous sites, including Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Woman’s Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, The Huffington Post, and Scary Mommy, among others. She lives in sunny south Florida, with her husband, four children, one feisty granddaughter and two chunky pugs. Marcia can usually be found with a fan in one hand to ward off hot flashes and a jar of Nutella in the other, in case of a chocolate emergency.
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“If You Were a Fly on the Wall at My House in December,” is an excerpt from the new anthology Mom for the Holidays: Stories of Love, Laughter, and Tantrums at Christmas and Hanukkah. Visit them at momfortheholidays.com! You couldn’t ask for a better gift to a fellow mom!