Feeling a bit stiff these days, so decided to get a yoga DVD and try to regain some lost flexibility. (Who am I kidding? I’ve never been particularly “stretchy.” A long lineage of German peasant stock has resulted in a sturdy gene pool built for power, but not a toe-toucher seated anywhere around the dinner table.)
Found a tutorial titled “EZ Does It. Yoga for Idiots,” with a very zen-like guy on the cover, standing on one leg like a flamingo, gazing serenely across a white sandy beach at the vibrant ocean sunrise. I want that. Plop down the Mastercard, and happily drive home to get into my new yoga pants (first requirement is new clothes…loving this already) and roll out my leopard print yoga mat (you know you want one).
30 minutes later, and all I can say is Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.
FIRST OF ALL, the dominatrix teaching the class is not even related Mr. Serenity with the 6-pack abs featured on the cover. Noooo. And there’s no standing and gazing. She’s all “Reach. Stretch. Reeeeach.” Well hell, if I could do THAT, I wouldn’t be taking your stupid class.
SECONDLY, have you ever noticed that NONE of these positions are named after humans? Nope. Standing Tree Pose. Downward Dog. Frog, Cobra, Lion, Camel, and the Crocodile. And do you know WHY? Because humans aren’t built for these positions. They are not natural. Virtually every “beginner” pose they demonstrated seemed to start with the premise, “You know the way your body WANTS to go? Go the OTHER way.” Yeah, no. IF I could achieve one, you’d have to bury me in it.
By the end of the Warm Up section, I knew yogi girl and I were never going to become as one, so I tossed the DVD into the nearby soccer field and poured a generous glass of my favorite Cabernet. NOW I’m zenning…