Apparently a great majority of Americans are spiritually confused or fat. Notwithstanding the fact that we live in a culture where a size 12 makes you a “plus-size” model, while the average American woman wears a size 14, making our barometer for “fat” a bit skewed, many Get-Rich-Quick gurus believe that if you can address this issue with something people haven’t heard before, no matter how bizarre it is, you’ll be christening your new yacht before all the checks have cleared the bank.
This got me thinking about all goofy, stupid, or just plain dangerous lengths people have gone to in our repeated, but failed attempts to take off tonnage that years of crappy food choices, excess alcohol, and sloth-level exercise programs have put on. Intelligent, educated people will believe the most idiotic pitch if a product or plan promises “rapid weight loss,” and if the tag line is “without the need for exercise!” we’re lambs to a slaughter.
In case you’ve missed any, here are my favorite, actually-searchable-on-Google, Stupid Weight-Loss Ideas.
1. Salt your food after a couple of bites. I’m talking lots and lots of salt. So you won’t or can’t eat it. I tried that once on a piece of chocolate cake, but discovered two hours later that if you scrape the salty layer off, you can still eat the rest, so that idea was just dumb.
2. Take pictures of yourself naked. From every angle. Front, back, and sides. Tape up the photos where you can see them easily whenever you’re in the mood to overeat, i.e. your fridge or your bathroom mirror. Mother of God. One look at those pics and I decided to kill myself, so what difference does an entire pan of brownies make now?
3. Eat with your non-dominant hand. Yeah, tried that too. I was at a formal fundraiser dinner party and impaled my cheek with a shrimp fork, bleeding all over the communal shrimp bowl. The hostess hasn’t spoken to me since.
4. Use smaller plates to reduce your portions. Makes as much sense as drinking wine out of a shot glass so you’ll drink less. This just means multiple trips back to the kitchen to refill your tiny little plate, forcing Hubs to pause the movie every time you get up. Longest version of Titanic, ever.
5. Eat cotton balls to trick your stomach into feeling full. It’s true. Supermodels around the globe have discovered that eating cotton balls fills your stomach by expanding and taking up space (think tampons for the intestines), so you’ll feel full and won’t actually eat calorie-laden celery sticks. You just can’t make this stuff up. My response to this one is… Nope, I’ve got nothin’.
6. Purposely wear your tightest clothes to remind you how fat you’ve become, reducing your temptation to overeat. Yeah, because beating the crap out of your self-esteem all day long works really well, until you get home and rip those damn pants off, toss them out the bedroom window, and dive headfirst into a large bowl of Doritos and Velveeta cheese dip, because you’re fat, you always have been fat, you always will be fat, and you just don’t care anymore.
7. Just breathe. Then don’t eat. Ever. Breatharians believe that the human body can sustain itself from the sun, water, fresh air, and the Prana or life force that runs through all. Wiley Brookes, the movement’s founder, says herbal teas and water are all we really need. It’s hard to disclaim his statement, because his followers are mostly dead. He says that’s because they “didn’t do it right.” Personally, I don’t trust a man whose first name is “Wiley.”
8. Eat baby food. (Reportedly, Reese Witherspoon is a fan of this one.) The upsides are that it’s portable, easy to digest, and portion controlled. But it’s also nutritionally designed for babies, not the average, adult-size female. The jarred meats might be passable as really awful cracker spreads if you were really drunk, but pureed spinach will never be a smoothie. And unless you have a small child living with you, have these shipped to you online. They’re harder to explain in your grocery cart than your Depends.
9. Eat with chopsticks. This worked for a short time, as my spastic chopsticks shot food everywhere but into my mouth. But determination breeds skill, so I was quickly able to eat everything from nachos to ice cream with an impressive flick of my sticks. New skill. Still fat.
10. Eat a tapeworm. Disgusting? Yes. Effective? Yes. It also causes bloating, diarrhea, seizures, and dementia. And they’re hard to come by. You can’t exactly pick one up at Rite Aid. Even supermodels won’t go here. These girls eat cotton, but think this is stupid. ‘Nuf said.
11. Eat only things you can fit into a pita pocket. They’re thinking cherry tomatoes, broccoli, fruit slices, small portions of meat or poultry. Bahahahaha. My pita pockets easily carried two bite-size Snickers bars, a handful of Milk Duds, three Oreo cookies, and one large frosted brownie with walnuts. Didn’t lose any weight, but found a cool way to eat dessert while standing.
12. Drink alcohol instead of eating. It burns faster than food. Millions of people are on this and don’t realize it’s a diet program. They’re called alcoholics. If your liver (and your marriage) survives this, it comes with a free month at Serenity Lane.
And so it would seem that eating healthy foods, watching our portions, getting regular exercise, and reducing our alcohol intake is, in fact, the only way to lose weight and live to show it off.
I’m so screwed.