Okay ladies, you might be thinking, “A Ninja Closet Cleaning Course? Really?!” Well, yes. But if you follow my blog, you know that everything I say is to be taken with a grain of salt. My courses have wine and chocolate as pre-requisites. But hang with me, you need this “course” (quotes definitely needed) and here’s why:
- Have you ever stood in front of your overstuffed closet and thought, “I have nothing to wear”?
- Have you ever wanted to take a blow torch to your closet because you can’t find anything in there that looks good on you, that you didn’t wear twice last week?
- Have you ever found yourself running around the house in your granny panties because the only jeans you feel good in are in the dryer (you have eight pairs, but you hate seven of them)?
- Do you ever wish Spanx were actually comfortable?
- Have you ever pulled something out of your closet and wondered “I must have been drunk when I ordered this”?
- Do you have more than one item in your closet that will fit “when you lose those last ten pounds” (that you’ve been working on since 1974)?
- Are you in a wardrobe rut (six pairs of yoga pants and 17 t-shirts)?
- Does your closet feel more like an abyss, where fashion mistakes go to die?
- Do you struggle to pull together a flattering outfit, because you’re “old,” “fat,” or “who cares, anyway”?
- Could you closet be described as “a roomful of relatives who aren’t speaking to each other”?
If you answered Yes to two or more of these questions, this course is for you (cue dramatic music)…
Over the years, I’ve helped many, many women purge their closets and make them more workable. Some of the reasons they’ve called me include:
“I’m tired of staring at a closet jammed full of clothes, but nothing that fits me. It’s all too tight because I’ve gotten fat.”
“It takes me too long to get dressed in the morning. I can’t find anything I want to wear. I hate my clothes.”
“When the first five things I put on are too tight, I just want to go back to bed.”
“I don’t even know what I have, because it’s all in huge piles that don’t make any sense. Jimmy Hoffa could be in there, and I’d never find him.” (I love this woman.)
“After menopause, nothing fits anymore. Everything is tight. I’ve got muffin top and back fat, and it’s all just wrong.”
“I get frustrated and overwhelmed with too many items that don’t fit right or are too tight and uncomfortable, so I usually just go back to yoga pants and a t-shirt.”
“I gained a bunch of weight after I turned 50. Now everything in my closet is too small. But I refuse to buy anything in the size I am now, so I’m just wearing sweats until I lose that weight.” (She’s now 58 and still in sweats. The diet isn’t working. Time for a new strategy.)
“It smithereens my confidence when I can’t find anything in my closet that makes me feel good about myself, that doesn’t highlight my Buddha belly or my flying squirrel underarms.”
What if I told you there’s a better way?
What if I could make all this frustration and morning self-confidence crises go away?
There is, and I can.
By following my Ninja Closet-Cleaning Course:
- You’ll save time. No more standing naked and paralyzed in front of your closet, wailing, “I hate my clothes. I hate my body. I don’t have anything to wear”;
- You’ll save money because you’ll stop buying piles of random, oversized pieces that can all be worn with the same jeans, and that serve no other purpose than to cover your body and all its imagined flaws;
- You’ll stop confirming to yourself every morning that yep, you’re fat, because you can’t get into any of your clothes even if you soaped yourself up first. (Hint: Buy clothes that fit you now. Don’t wait for the diet fairy. More later);
- It will get you out of your wardrobe rut. I love yoga pants as much as the next woman, but a steady wardrobe diet of black stretch pants and funky t-shirts gets boring and does nothing to increase your self-confidence. They’re the sweat pants of the millennium;
- You’ll discover “hidden outfits” that you didn’t know you had. Kind of like shopping, but for free;
- You’ll love getting dressed in the morning, because everything in your closet fits you, looks fabulous, and flaunts what you like about your body, rather than pup tenting your entire upper torso to hide muffin top from ill-fitting jeans;
- You’ll never again have to sort through pieces that make you feel frumpy, old, or invisible. (As my mother used to say, “That awful shirt is beneath you. Go do better.” I love my mother).
- Your confidence levels will soar (I promise!) when your clothes fit beautifully, and make you look and feel like “I still got it.”
So get on with your rebel self, and let’s get started!
You’ll get the Ninja Closet Cleaning Course (no homework included), a checklist, a FREE chapter of my upcoming book Who Left the Cork Outta My Lunch?, and a bonus never-seen-before blog post. 29 pages of advice, humor, and tips for loving your body and getting that closet AHmazing!