Stop the first dozen women you see on the street and ask them if they’ve ever thrown out anything from their Hub’s closet that he continued to wear 5+ years after it died. Ratty t-shirts, saggy sweatpants, pilled sweaters, stained sweatshirts. Nine women will admit that, yes, they’ve secretly tossed an item or two into the alley dumpster while Hubs was at work. And of the three that deny it, one of them is lying. It appears that we are much better at keeping his closet free of clutter than we are our own.
For many years, I was a freelance public speaker for women’s groups in British Columbia and the Pacific Northwest. Over the years, I’ve given dozens of humorous after-lunch or dinner talks on confidence crises, weight struggles, beauty angst, marriage etiquette, and how to avoid embarrassing wardrobe malfunctions. I loved it (and still do). I spoke to cooking groups, book clubs, equestrian clubs, professional organizations, craft circles, and an entire female branch of traditional men’s groups, all ending in “-ettes.” (Remember, this was circa 1980. Kiwanettes and Lionettes did, in fact, exist.)
The most frequently requested topic was “Declutter Your Closet & Simplify Your Life.” Apparently closet streamlining was an issue for women everywhere, with no respect for age, income, or job status. Our bond of sisterhood was firmly grounded in a universal inability to get in there and start tossing crap out. “I don’t know where to start!” was the lament I heard from women in two countries and three states.
So for those of you who ever feel frustrated, depressed, or lost, standing in front of a overstuffed, “can’t cram one more thing in there, but still don’t have anything to wear” closet, here are some guidelines to get you started. Grab a bottle of wine (trust me, it will help smooth things along), and say “Buh-bye, baby” to the following:
1. Anything that used to fit or might fit at some undetermined time in the future, but doesn’t fit now. Especially if it requires losing the same number of pounds you’ve been working on since 1984. This includes pieces that you tell yourself will look great again after you “lose the pregnancy weight.” And your kid is 27.
2. Anything for a life you no longer have. Yes, 15 years ago, you and Hubs were the hottest couple on the dance floor. You love that dress almost as much as you love Hubs. But three kids and a couple of decades later, “going out” means the 4:00 movie, Papa Murphy’s pizza, and bed by 8:30. Even if you could still get into it, it won’t look the same. Gravity, age, menopause, and questionable lifestyle choices change our bodies, if not in size, in shape. If that LBD “fits,” but requires full-body Spanx that compress you like a cocktail weinie to zip it up, and a full-coverage, Kevlar underwire granny bra to get your breasts back up off your waist, it’s time for it to go.
3. Period pieces or fads. Prairie skirts, acid-wash jeans, or shimmery spandex leotards with leg warmers. Anything that sets your adult offspring into fits of uncontrolled hilarity when they see your college photo albums. And people who tell you “everything comes back into style eventually” were not talking about acid-wash jeans.
4. Event-specific items. Cheerleading skirts, bridesmaid’s dresses, costume parties, old wedding dresses (particularly to a man to whom you are not currently married. That’s just tacky). If the sentimental value is so overwhelming that you need to keep it forever, box it up and put it in the attic with all the other junk your kids are going to throw out shortly after your unfortunate demise.
5. Anything your 22-year-old DIL wants to borrow. If she’s all “It’s, like, OMG, like, fabulous,” it fits her, and it suits her age, YOU shouldn’t be wearing it. Period.
6. Styles you love, but in colors that don’t work for you. Hint: If every time you wear that mauve sweater, four people tell you that you look tired or ask if you’re feeling well, the color is wrong. You can’t fix it. Women tell me, “I’ll get a different lipstick.” Or “I’ll wear it with a scarf.” Now you’ve made it worse. If the color washes you out, makeup or another piece of clothing that blends with the sweater is just adding insult to injury.
7. Anything you have to fuss with. If you’re constantly adjusting the waistband, pulling up the shoulder strap, or unwedgie-ing the fabric up your butt, it doesn’t fit. And it can be awkward trying to explain your hand down your pants when running into your ex at the liquor store.
8. More than one outfit for cleaning the basement or planting the garden. Oversized, faded, ratty clothes are comfy, but an entire wardrobe of these t-shirts makes it too tempting to live in them on days you’re not planting the back 40.
9. Anything torn or dirty that needs repairs, alterations, or cleaning, but will never get any of those things. If it’s been in disrepair for eight years, you’re not going to fix it. Give it to someone who will, or who doesn’t care if the hem is held up by masking tape.
10. Anything someone else bought you (Hubs, MIL, sister) that you hate and will never wear, ever. If you just can’t toss it because you’ll be struck by lightening on the spot and go to bad-wife hell, box it up and put it in the attic with the dress from your wedding to Thor during your WWE Raw groupie phase in college. If anyone asks, just say “It’s at the dry cleaners.” That’ll give you time to drag it out in a panic.
And now, as you’re standing in front of your empty closet, buck naked, wailing ”I have nothing to wear,” you may be right. So slip on your favorite of t-shirt and yoga pants (c’mon, we all keep those), and gas up the car. Shopping road trip? Oh, yeah.
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Oy vey. I have a few things to purge…now’s as good a time as any!
Lisa, I go through my closet several times a year, and I always find something that should have been tossed the time before last! I haven’t worn it for years, the color is awful, and there’s what appears to be a red wine stain on the boob. Sigh. Out it goes. :)
And it’s very liberating to cleanse the closet, don’t you think?
My other pet peeve, is do you really need 20 pairs of black pants? Other people don’t see the difference even though you know they are different—-so get rid of at least half of them!
(am i wrong)
jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
It is liberating, Jodie! But then, I’m the “anti-hoarder.” I can’t stand “too much stuff,” even if it’s clothes. If I don’t wear something for two seasons that it would have appropriate for, it goes. Sure makes getting dressed in the morning simple and low-stress. Everything in there fits and I like it! :)
OK. I have more cleaning outfits than needed. Out they go!
I know the feeling, Karen! Based on the number of cleaning t-shirts I tend to accumulate through frequent red wine spillage, you’d think my house would be spotless, my gardens would be beautiful, and my car would be freshly waxed at all times! :)
Too funny and too true! Coffee stains on a T shirt and it becomes ‘play’ clothes until I finally realized I had more clothes to garden, paint or hang out in than ‘good’ clothes. And I was embarrassed when wearing said ‘play’ clothes and was stopped to chat with a neighbor. So because I know the GoodWill doesn’t want stained clothes they get cut up for rags. I have a huge basket of rags and still have clothes to wear that don’t embarrass me.
Absolutely, Haralee! You just know that that one day you’re wearing your clean-the-toilet t-shirt, you’ll see your ex and his new wife, Trixie, in the bleaching products section of Safeway. :)
That was fun, convicting and informative read! It was all so true. Now to get up the nerve to do it.
Krista, think baby steps. Take out what doesn’t fit. Then take out what’s just shot. Then work on colors. By now, with some upbeat music in the background and a little wine and chocolate on the shelf, trust me, you’ll be getting your organizing groove on! :)
Oh, the freedom! Oh, the shopping!
Diane, yes, yes, yes on both! :)
The closet is not my problem, the kids artwork/school work is my problem. This is a great round up though. I will tweet for all of my friends who actually have clothing.
Anna, you crack me up!
Ha ha! Great post. I am going to ignore number 8 because I am a farmer and do need more than one “planting” outfit! The rest… under consideration!
Thanks, Susanne! And yes, you get a hall pass on the planting wardrobe. Hubs is a painting contractor, so he has an entire closet devoted to clothes covered in paint and other contracting substances that I don’t know. Sometimes, when we meet up for lunch, we look like we’re going out to two different restaurants! :)
Great ideas – all of these. Some I should know but always need reminding.
Thanks for sharing them with humor :)
Thank you, Gail! Sometimes we all need a gentle reminder to let stuff go. :) Glad you enjoyed the post!
that’s all well and good, BUT I just lost some weight and clothes I haven’t worn in 10 years are now current and available to me. It’s like shopping in my own closet! so that “some day” can come, it really can! Believe! Love, from the hoarder in me
Carol, that’s why I recommend keeping the pieces you really like, but putting them in a storage box until they fit again. It’s really demoralizing to get up every day and stare into a closet full of clothes in the size you “used to wear.” But Congratulations on your achievement. It IS like shopping at home! :)
From item #2 – what is LBD? I want to be in the popular crowd who knows.
Kymberly, you’re so funny! LBD is “little black dress,” and refers to a woman’s favorite, sexiest, date-night dress. We tend to keep them forever. :)
I’ve been purging for weeks as we get ready to move and downsize/rightsize. After reading your post, I think there’s still more to let go of…thanks for the nudge!
Roxanne, Congrats on the move! We’re doing the same thing. Too much crap! :)
Hilarious as always Vikki!
Thanks, Rena! Love you too! :)
Great list! I would add only, that after you clean out your closet, vow to purchase only high quality, slow fashion. You’ll never regret it.
Thanks, Anita! And I agree with you. There comes a time when we have to quit buying cheap crap that falls apart and needs to be replaced every year. Timeless, classic, well-made pieces will truly last forever, and will look fabulous the entire time. You nailed it! :)
Ive been doing a real splurge on the rest of the house but am afraid to tackle my wardrobe for all the usual reasons but i feel i now have permission to do so! My biggest problem Vikki is my shoe cupboard, i can only wear flat boots but have more than 70 pairs of spectacular shoes and high heels that look gorgeous but that just hurt too much to put on! Beautiful though. Advice please?
Ps loved your book
Oh, Claire, I feel your pain! Due to Parkinson’s symptoms in my feet, I am destined to live in flats forever. My closet was like yours, a living testament to my abiding passion for sexy stilettos and gorgeous boots. Sigh. Do yourself a favor and give them away or donate them to Goodwill. There’s a whole world of fabulous flats out there. I’ve been shopping like a crazy woman and having a ball! :)
I need this list. I have two wedding dresses and a fencing outfit in my closet. I;m not wearing any of them ever again.
Anne, two wedding dresses and a fencing outfit? We so need to share a bottle of wine and chat! :)
Great post as always! I’ve been pruning my closet of the byproducts of my ex-career as a business consultant. OK to be honest, that part was fun! If I could have burned them I would have. Now I work at home for myself and have to force myself to dress in anything but jammies most days. I find keeping some comfy but non-yogawear pants and skirts around helps to bridge the gap between Business-wear and my tendency to edge into Walmart-worthy duds. ;)
Thanks, Leslie! I agree with you. The hole between “business casual” and “Walmart” is tough to fill. Jeans aren’t comfortable and yoga pants are getting to be the French manicure of clothing. Seen on everyone, every day, everywhere. Comfy, but not original or unique. We can always try “Pajama Jeans.” :)
Oh this was just BRILLIANT! You got me motivated to do it. I’m pinning this one for future reference when I have an afternoon to PURGE.
I love those ten reasons to get rid of the clothes… THANK YOU for this, Vikki!
*Sharing*
You’re welcome, Chris, and thank you! You’ll be amazed at how much for “user-friendly” your closet will be when it’s not full of crap you can’t or don’t wear. Have fun! :)
I love to read things that make me laugh in agreement and your article did! Makes me realize I have to get in there and clean that closet!
Teresa, Yesterday I did a radio interview, and the interviewer asked me what was the best compliment I’ve ever received. I replied that my favorite thing to hear from a reader (other than “I just bought your book” :) ) is “You made me laugh out loud.” You just made my day!
Oh man…I so badly need to clean out my closets..thanks for the inspiration!!!
You’re welcome, Michelle! It can actually be kind of fun, and definitely emotionally satisfying, to clean it out and only leave what fits and what you love. Good luck! :)
Very nice article. Thanks.
I am a near 60 males who recently underwent a closet reorganization. I had thirty eight pairs of jeans. I took them, all in good shape, to Associated Charities where they don’t charge the poor. I can now see my former jeans all over. Interesting.
Don’t forget charity while cleaning. If it’s good enough to wear it again someone may use it as a cold buffer, in the cold zones.
We cleaned out 8-55 gallon bags of clothes, not counting appliances.
Hi Troll, what a great idea! Just because we’re tired of that winter coat, or the wonderful, but puffy down one makes us look like human sleeping bags, doesn’t mean they should get tossed in the dumpster. Charitable donations are a win-win. Thanks for the reminder! :)
Purging closets is my very favorite thing to do, but even I have a few things that I’ve recently noticed in pictures of me taken five or more years ago that have seen better days and need to go. Like, NOW.
I agree, Andrea! It’s immediate gratification, but with clothes! :)
Hmmm. I would say I definitely have two many ‘gardening’ outfits for someone with a postage sized patio with a pot of (probably dying) tomatoes on it. :)
You’re funny, Weeza girl! Glad to see you back on Laugh Lines. Missed you! :)
Vikki, If you were on a stage giving this speech you would have been looking directly at me…ugh! And just when I thought I actually have a free weekend with nothing scheduled, it looks like I need to work on actually being able to walk in to my walk-in closet. Brilliant!
The shoes alone could make Imelda Marcos roll her eyes. Less is more, right?
Trust me on this one, Sheri, it’s fun if you do it right! A little wine, a little chocolate, a great playlist on your iPod (crank it up LOUD), and then just get in there and start weeding. You will LOVE the results (and it automatically qualifies you for a shopping trip!) :)
Great article and it made me realize I really need to purge my closet. When I stand there and can’t find anything to wear its cause I don’t like what is there or it is old – time to take action. Plus as you say shopping road trip – mama needs a new pair of shoes!
Thanks, Jo! You’re right. Mama needs a new pair of shoes! And boots. And jeans. And a spring jacket. Get a piece of paper and a pencil. This is going to be a long list! :)
Great advice! I try to do most of these…but there may be a couple of items I can’t bear to let go. That one pair of jeans that might just fit again some day for example! ;-)