Those of you who follow my blog know that Hubs has never read it. Not one post. When people appear surprised, he just says that first of all, he already knows what it’s about because he was there when it happened. And secondly, he really doesn’t need to read it because everyone he runs into in our small town tells him what I wrote about him every week. Apparently, although Hubs doesn’t read my blog, many of his friends do. (Thanks guys!)
A few weeks ago, Hubs and I were chatting over a glass (okay, a bottle. Don’t judge) of a lovely red wine at one of our favorite wine bars, when a group of Hubs’ male buddies spotted us and promptly pulled up chairs to join in. An hour or so later, as the group got more boisterous, someone mentioned my blog and the fact that I never give the male species equal coverage. They complained that my posts always seem to be directed at what their wives want from them. How the husbands need to step up, figure it out, and “get it right.” Soon, everyone was jumping in with “What about us??” “How about things she needs to know?” Never being one to back down from a writing challenge, I agreed to give them their own post. After a raucous debate, ending with a democratic vote on topics, this was the winner.
10 Things Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Hear:
1. “Notice anything different, Sweetie?” This is a landmine for men. They do notice you, but it’s usually more as a “package deal.” Men rarely see the details like we do. A girlfriend would instantly exclaim “Fabulous bag. Is it new?” Most men would only notice a new handbag if you came out of the shower, naked and soaking wet, wearing nothing but the bag. (I had a girlfriend who did this with a pair of wildly expensive boots. Her hubs immediately called the store and ordered the other two colors. I love this woman.)
2. “Do you know what today is?” The group groaned loudly. “You’re killing us with this one,” one guy moaned. They want to know “what today is.” They really do. But we tend to celebrate things big and small, while men feel like they’ve nailed it if they remember your anniversary. If this is five years since your first kiss, or two years from the date he brought home Sir Binky, your beloved Toy Poodle, he won’t get it right. Wailing “How could you not remember??” makes him feel like a schmuck and sucks any possibility of celebratory sex out of the picture. If it’s a special day, tell him and get on to the fun part.
3. “I only told a couple of girlfriends. They won’t tell anybody.” Well, if you couldn’t keep his ED a secret, why do you think they can?
4. “I love you, Pookie Bear.” Or God forbid, “Can Sammy come out and play?” (wink, wink.) In public. Pet names for each other, or for intimate southern regions, are common, but best used in private. His fishing buddies will be calling him “Pookie Bear” for the rest of his life. Or forever referring to any man’s junk as “Sammy.” And he’ll have you to thank for it. “Snuggle Bunny” him all you want. But do it at home.
5. “If I died, would you get married again?” Well, that depends. Are you dead at 52 or 97? This is a stupid question, to which there is no right answer. “No” is probably not true if she dies at 50. “Yes” is worse, because now she thinks you’re waiting for her to kick it so you can run off with her best friend, Bitsy. Either answer is going to get him summarily launched out of the marital bed for the next 24 hours. And he knows it.
6. “Do I look fat in this dress?” The classic, all-time winner for things men don’t want to hear. Seriously, what are his options? There’s only one possible response if he wants to live. “No, you look great.” If you know that’s what he’s going to say, no matter what he actually thinks, why even ask?
7. “Do you think Sally is pretty?” Or you could just lob a live grenade into the middle of your marriage. There would be less bloodshed. You wouldn’t ask if you didn’t think he did. So when he says “No,” you’ll say he’s lying. If he says “Yes,” he’s pretty much screwed. And what difference does it make if he finds Sally pretty? He’s married to you. So unless he sleeping with her, who cares??
8. “Is that what you’re wearing?” If you want to fight all night at the party, start here. It’s commonly argued that women dress to impress and men dress for comfort. But this is an “equal gender response” question. When you imply that he looks like crap, he’s going to react exactly the same way you would if he asked you the same question on the way out the door.
9. “Oh, you’re having another drink?” In the history of the universe, this question has never made anyone drink less. Especially if you ask him in a public setting. Now he feels like a three-year-old whose mommy is counting his mistakes in front of his friends. It’s belittling, embarrassing, and it doesn’t work. If you’re having a problem with his alcohol intake that night, be the DD or take a cab home, and duke it out between the two of you.
10. “Our sex life is fine.” Ouch. “Fine” is a word you use when picking out carpet or selecting a dog groomer. “Fine” means it’s okay, it’ll do, we can work with it. You know that deflated feeling you get when you spend two hours getting ready and he says “You look fine”? You just said that about his skills under the sheets. It may be awhile before you have “fine sex” again.
So gentlemen, there you go. I promise not to forget you next time.
((((Tweets and then sends to her husband :-) :-)))
Carla girl, you crack me up! Thanks for sharing! :)
Too funny. Oh my, how many fights/misunderstanding have happened because of these questions/ acts/statements? Often less is more.
Thanks, Haralee! Yes, sometimes silence is the more judicious choice. :)
I just said #8 the other night! haha My husband is gonna get a chuckle out of this!
Linda, I think I’ve said all of these to my Hubs over the years. He’s still laughing. Really, he is… :)
Very funny, Vikki — and all too true in a lot of marriages! You did a great job of helping us see things from the guy’s perspective — in your usual hysterical way. Since our spouses provide so much material for many of our blogs, it’s only fair they should get their say, right?
Roxanne, Apparently that’s how they feel! Can’t have our men feeling all butt-hurt and left out! :)
These pretty much cover it, well done. I would add just one more, “Watcha thinking?” If we wanted you to know what we are thinking we would just tell you, now we have to make something up, and very often we actually are thinking about nothing…one of the great things about being a man is we can just turn our mind off and be thinking about absolutely nothing.
This is why we also often hear. “What were you thinking?”
Excellent post!!
Thanks, Cranky! You’re right. Whatcha thinking? and We need to talk. Ouch!
You nailed it – I am guilty as charged. But after 45 years of marriage I have learned a thing or two.
Carol, You’ve been married for 45 years. I’m on my third one. Gee, ONE of us should have learned something by now! (Glad it was you. I’m still in class!) :)
Well, it is my second one — first one was a starter trial
So true, so true!! That’s why when my husband comes home from work, I lead him around the house and show him what I did that day (since we just moved and I’m getting us settled). Not that he wouldn’t notice otherwise, but I don’t have 10 years to wait for the “thanks honey”!!! jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Love it, Jodie! Yes, I don’t understand “quizzing” our Hubs. Talk about setting a poor guy up to fail! Just show him what you want him to notice, and move on to a fun evening! :)
I wonder how many husbands are receiving this today. Just wonderin’.
Carol, I’ve been getting emails from women who have pasted this on their husbands bathroom mirrors. to start their day off with a chuckle. It seems men like to have their say! :)
could we tally a vote on which one of these we’ve send most often. [In my defense on #8, I usually say it when there are at least 2 minutes left before we leave the house]
Penpen, we could, but we probably don’t want to know (and we need plausible deniability)! :)
OMG, this is great! Not too long ago, I forced my hubs to check out my blog. I was doing some clickpay things and wanted him to help out. Then I encouraged him to read more, knowing how much I had talked about him in my blog. Not sure how much he visits now, if at all. :)
I love the “Does this make me look fat?” He always answers “What do you think?” Oy vey, just come out and say I look like the fat lady in the circus, dammit! Ugh…..gotta love our men, right?
Thanks for the giggles Vikki! Muwah!
B
“Another dog! Can we get a dog?” He’s happier with 3 cats…
Aren’t men great? Whenever I get my hair cut my husband asks “what happened to my wife?” He is still living. And I rarely ask these loaded questions. Could be why I am still living.
Hahaha, another great and funny post! I managed to do numbers 1 and 6 yesterday. 30 years of marriage and I’m still harassing the hell out of him. My Hubby never reads my blog either. :)
Thanks, Tamuria! 30 years? Wow! Congratulations on finding ways to make it work! :)
How about “That’s really nice but….” “You did that really well except…” It would have been Okay if only you had….” And I’m not talking about in the bedroom; it can be mowing the yard, painting a wall, choosing an outfit (for him not her) or anything else he sets his hand to. It all comes out like, “Gee, Honey, that was almost good enough.”
Bahahaha, Bob! I kept trying to respond to your suggestions, but my brain got still stuck on the bedroom visual. “Gee, Honey, that was almost good enough.” Hilarious!
Yes, its true all of it.
Hubs thinks you wrote #4 just for him because I call him Poochie Bear all the time lol!
So very funny Vikki! You nailed it! This needs to be required reading, maybe bathroom stalls??
Kimberly XO
I really am thinking of printing this out and pasting it to my bathroom mirror!!
Love it!
Sending this to my Husby. I’ll let you know . . .
Hi, Vikki
All the men will love you very much because they will not be bugged by irritated statements from their wives (us) anymore.
It is funny; I laughed a long time after I read the post.
I did commit some of mistakes along those years. Well, this is my new year resolution to change.
Thanks for posting.
Will Share!
-Stella Chiu
Love, love, love the tips of talking to your husband. Mine never talks back. Even more, I thought I was the only one whose hubby never reads her blog. I actually signed my own husband up as a follower the other day. At least he’ll get e-mail notifications that there’s a new post….even if I know he won’t read it! LOL.