Last night, I watched Monster-in-Law, where Jane Fonda plays the mother of a young man who falls in love and marries a lovely girl. Mama Jane is determined not to be replaced as the most important woman in her son’s life and proceeds to hilariously undermine their relationship at every possible turn. It all works out in the end, but I couldn’t help laughing over the lengths Mom went to ensure she wasn’t going to become invisible or unnecessary.
The immense popularity of this comedy tells me that many mothers of sons identified with Ms. Fonda’s predicament. The saying “A daughter is a daughter all of her life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife” can set Moms up for extreme emotional adjustments that must be made in the blink of an eye. We’ve watched, prodded, helicopter parented, loved, and fiercely protected our boy for 2+ decades, and now we’re just “Mom” on his iPhone speed dial.
From Jane Fonda in Monster-in-Law to Marie in Everybody Loves Raymond, MILs have taken a big hit. There are entire comedy shticks on TV and in nightclubs about the horrible mother-in-law who tries to ruin her son’s marriage. But it’s not that we’re trying to ruin it. We just want to feel part of it.
Thankfully, there comes a time when we ultimately realize that the best way to stay in our beloved son’s life is to keep the DIL happy. You love him, but he loves her. Happiness and a Welcome mat by their front door is best achieved by trying to avoid these conversational landmines during your next outing with your DIL:
1. “When are you two going to give me a grandbaby?” Even if you can un-see the disturbing visual this conversation immediately evokes of your son and his wife doing the skippy every night “trying to make a baby,” this is, quite frankly, none of your business. And constant reminders from you that “you’re not getting any younger” will never put more yippy in their skippy.
2. “You’re going to name the baby what?” Yeah, just what they need. A butt-hurt phone call from you, demanding to know why you’re naming Baby Girl after her grandmother, the one who “never even comes to visit.”
3. “Why is the TV in front of that window? You should move it over there. And black towels in the bathroom??” Back off, Mom. This isn’t your house, and if you ever want to be invited back, the only response to her floor plans, decorating styles, or color schemes should be “I love it.”
4. “Why do you have to live next door to your parents? We never get to see you, but they see you every day.” Stop whining. There could be a dozen practical reasons why they live where they do, and it doesn’t have anything to do with whose parents they like more. Don’t make this a competition with her parents. You’ll lose.
5. “I saw a wonderful book on Cooking Basics that I think you could use. I ordered it for you.” As a general rule, self-improvement books aimed at your DIL are a bad idea. Bad. Whether you think she’s not a good cook, she needs to lose weight, or she doesn’t have a grasp on parenting, this will not end well. Even the most devoted mama’s boy will dump his mother like a hot biscuit if she starts criticizing his wife.
6. “It’s just my opinion, but I think you should…” Whatever is coming next, Stop. Talking. Everyone knows that that sentence is a preamble to something she’s doing wrong. A compliment never begins with “It’s just my opinion.” And “I think you should…” is passive-controlling. Double fail.
7. “Why does little Sally do that??” Watching your granddaughter repeatedly bang her spoon on the table while she eats, and looking confused or irritated while you question DIL about why she “lets” her daughter misbehave is likely to get you ejected from the kitchen. Kids do that. Yours did too.
8. “How can you let Billy eat that stuff? When my son was little, I never gave him sugar.” Well, good for you. But Billy isn’t your son. He’s hers. Unless she’s feeding him a steady stream of Ding Dongs and Red Bull, Billy will grow up just fine.
9. “I know you told me not to let Suzie stay up until 11, but I figured it would be okay because she was with Grandma.” If DIL told you not to do something, don’t. Respect the boundaries that your son and DIL have set, or your visits with the little darlings may start being supervised by one of the parents.
10. “You two shouldn’t be spending your money on tattoos. You have other bills to pay.” How do you know what they have to spend? Unless you’re their bookkeeper or they asked for your advice, their spending habits are none of your business. Even today, could your checkbook register withstand critiquing from your parents?
11. “In my day, we controlled our kids. Our parents spanked us, so we learned right from wrong.” Advising a young mother to whack her kids every time they act out is archaic and unhelpful. If you really want to score points (and you’re such an expert), take the kids for the afternoon and send DIL to the day spa for some quiet time.
12. “Your house could use a good cleaning. I’ve got some great products I’ll bring over.” So she’s either lazy and doesn’t care, or she’s inept and doesn’t know how to clean. That little jab will be rehashed with her husband at dinner for three hours, until he calls, asking why you made his wife cry.
13. “My son would never have said that if you hadn’t provoked him.” Get real, Mom. Some days, even your wonderful, talented, smart boy can be a total jackass. It happens. And blaming every tiff on her can quickly become the two of them angry with you. You’re right, It’s not fair. But who ever said love is?
Great list and great advice :).
Thanks Trish! Thanks for stopping by! :)
If I knew you in real life, I would give you a hug for writing this. I face these scenarios weekly. My favorite was “sons will just leave you” when MIL found out we were having a boy. Thank you! Bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!
“Sons will just leave you”? Ouch! Sometimes you want to just say “Do you hear yourself??” :)
Yes! These are all things that mother-in-laws do with the hopes of being “helpful” but daughter-in-laws can sometimes take offense. Nicely written!
Thanks Katie! And thanks for stopping by to comment! :)
Terrific tips! If we all could just bite our tongues and shut up. Yes there may be trick questions like, ‘How do you like our new dining room set?’ a class high table with stools that you can ‘t get onto with a 2 year old? but the correct answer is of course, ‘lovely’.
Absolutely, Haralee! For MIL’s (me included), sometimes it’s best to stop talking and smile! :)
Iwill never have a D-I-L but i have been one and I can attest that you are so right on the money! Gave me my Monday laugh!
Thanks, Carol! Always happy when I can bring a giggle! :)
Spot on advice, plus a good laugh or two. Thanks!
My pleasure, Nora! :)
SO REAL. WOW. I’m about 3-5 years from needed to memorize this list.
I always felt like my MIL was NOT a problem in any of these areas and I remember thinking I want to remember that about her and be the same way… you’ve just reminded me to REMEMBER all that.
PS the line:
“…will never put more yippy in their skippy.” Made me LOL on myself. :0)
Thanks, Carissa! This was fun to write, since I’m a MIL. Glad I could make you laugh! :)
My ex-MIL fit this bill in just about every way. But the comment that hurt me most during that marriage actually came from my ex-SIL who once said, “No matter what, NO ONE will ever be good enough for my brother.”
Apparently she was right, because I’m no longer with him and he’s been single ever since. :)
Linda, Sometimes karma is on our side! :)
Oh, I think that being a MIL will be the challenge of my life. Thanks for alerting me to these particular pitfalls. I should start practicing tact now while my kids are still in HS. I want to apologize now to my future DIL and SIL (who are presumably currently alive — although maybe one of my kids will rob the cradle. And I will NOT say one word about it).
Karen, my son is my only child, and it was HARD to “let go” when he got married. Fortunately, my DIL is fabulous, and she lets me “Mom” all over him from time to time! :)
Perfect advice Vikki. Your DIL is one lucky girl. Had a good laugh. Thank you.
Thanks, Surya! Yep, I remind her frequently that she scored with me! :)
Great advice, except the black towels, who does that!? (Shared 2x, pinned 2x, and tweeted!)
Thanks Lisa! You are a ROCK STAR, with a generous soul! :)
All are too true, Vikki! I have 3 DIL, and I was one, so I learned more about what not to do or say by being one – getting either angry, or my feelings hurt because I didn’t measure up. By the same token, (as I was married to a “Mama’s Boy”), no wife wants to hear “You should get Mom’s recipe,” or “Mom could probably teach you how to …” Vikki, as always, thanks for the bright spot in my Monday!
Thanks, Beverly! Three DILs? Oh my, I think that’s called “trial by fire”! :)
Another fun read and I love that movie. I’m a mother of three sons so the potential to be unbearable is huge. I have two daughters in law and my oldest son has a beautiful girlfriend he will probably marry (they’re like the daughters we didn’t have).It’s all about girl power at our place(poor Hubby) so I rarely side with the guys when there are complaints and if there are serious problems I try to avoid any involvement.:)
Thanks, Tamuria! Yes, I’ve learned to butt out when they run into a problem. because anything you say is going to be wrong to one of them. I just tell them I love them both and to let me know when they’ve worked it out. :)
My MIL was the most amazing woman who conveyed her love for me, separate from and in addition to her love for her son, my hubs. Unfortunately she died 15 years ago, but her legacy and good manners live on. Since I have a daughter I won’t have to face the issues you list, but the advice is good regardless. Ya rascal!
Kimberly, you’ll still have to face the eternal Mom question for daughters: Is he good enough for her? Good luck! :)
Good thing you DIL loves getting advice from you! Great post mama
Thanks, Sandra! It’s easy to give advice to someone who listens (or who knows how to pretend)! :) LOVE YOU, girlie!
Let me add, be nice to your son’s girlfriend. No matter how much you dislike her. She may become his wife.
My (fortunately now ex) mother in law was downright mean to me on multiple occasions in various ways when I was dating her son. She clearly didn’t like me and was happy to let that show. Well, we got married, had two kids, and over the course of the 20 year marriage we were never really able to heal that early cruelty.
She was very nice to me when she heard we were getting divorced, however.
Cassandra, that last comment made me spit my coffee out from laughing! “She was very nice to me when she heard we were getting divorced.” Priceless. :)
Great advice and hilarious as ever!
Thanks, Linda! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines!
These MILs and FILs are the stuff that nightmares are made of, LOL!
Ha! I never had any of these problems with my DIL! I liked mine better than my son lol! To bad he didn’t agree and they are now divorced. I wonder if he minds if I invite her to Thanksgiving!
All of this is true and must be done. I have two married sons so I know! With one of my DIL’s, I feel like I need to be there in the mum role for her too as her own mum died shortly after the wedding. It has been hard at times when it has involved her being disgruntled with my son. I try to be there for them both and stay neutral. Although I never had a daughter and miss my sons like crazy, the universe gave me a ready made daughter when I remarried. She lives locally and I love doing all the stuff with her that sons don’t do.
I loved this set of rules. One of my sons is married, I don’t interfere, but I did get tears in my eyes just at the part of being on speed dial. I can’t help it, LOL. Those two decades went so fast. I love your writing and thank you for checking out my blog also. I did subscribe to get your delivered asap to my email box.
Hugs
Lisa
Lisa, what a wonderful comment to start my day! I’m so glad you like my writing and subscribed! We had all the kids and grandkids this weekend, and I still get teary in the driveway when they leave. My mother says that will stop in a decade or two… :)