Having lunch with a girlfriend who remarried about a year ago and, anticipating her one-year anniversary, she waxed on throughout the afternoon about how beautiful her wedding was (that’s true, it was), how in love they were (also true), and how it was the “happiest day of her life.” What?
You’re kidding, right?
I always struggle when people put superlatives in the past. My knee-jerk response is, “Really?? So you’ve never been as happy as you were on that day? It’s all been downhill since then?” Hubs and I got married 16 years ago. I shudder to think that our wedding, however beautiful, means my happiest day is 16 years behind me.
Then I heard something similar from a girlfriend who was talking about her dating sex life, circa 1996. “That was the best sex I’ve ever had,” she sighed with a dreamy smile. Wow. Not only was it apparently better than anything she’s had since, the gentleman involved is not the man to whom she’s currently married. I suggested she keep that little nugget to herself during any future pillow talk with the hubs.
But refusing to believe that once we get married, our “best sex ever” is destined to become a dusty, sporadically dredged up memory of old flames, I rounded up my group and we all got together for some wine and a debate on the issue. Is dating sex really better than married sex? Does married sex inevitably become routine and boring, while dating sex is always hot and exciting? Is the “best sex we’ve ever had,” like our wedding day, just over?
Bahahaha.
Married sex rocks. Here’s why:
1. Morning sex is easier. You’re already in bed and naked. All you have to do is roll over. By the time your single friend shows up for her morning booty call, Date Guy is out the door and on his way to work.
2. You’re with someone who loves you exactly the way you are. He’s seen your crazy, and you still turn him on. Besides, some men like crazy. If Hubs didn’t, I’d still be single.
3. There are no freaky surprises. If he likes getting busy with it in public places, has weird pet names for his junk, or prefers gymnastics-level positions, by the time you’re married, you already know about it.
4. There’s no confusion about the direction of relationship. “Last time we had sex, he didn’t call for two weeks.” “He called me Carol. My name is Suzanne. Is he sleeping with somebody else?” ‘He took a phone call out of the room. OMG. Is he married?”
5. There’s less prepping involved. When you’re single and out on a booty call, you’re expected to be washed, waxed, and wearing your “do me” outfit at all times. Married sex is less demanding. Hopping up to do the deed on the dryer doesn’t usually require shaving your legs. Or thong underwear.
6. You can try new things without fear of looking like an idiot or being laughed at when you fall off the bed. Admit it. Sex can be funny. Toppling off the bed (or each other), farting, foot cramps, uncomfortable positions or surfaces, the dog scratching to get in, or Jehovah’s Witnesses knocking on your door while you’re in the middle of getting your skippy on can result in spontaneous hilarity, temporarily derailing your trip to erotic Zen. But later, you can always pick up where you left off. You’ll still be in the same house.
7. No more 2 a.m Walks of Shame past the lobby doorman to your car, in your strapless little black dress and bare feet, carrying your stilettos because you can’t get them back on. Clean clothes, your blow-dryer, and Peabody, your cat, who pees in your shoes if his breakfast is late, are all right there next to you. Sleep well.
8. Booty calls are simple. He’s in the living room. You’re in the kitchen. Walk down the hall and go git it.
9. No more faking it. There’s no pressure to rush to the finish because Date Guy has got to get home. (He’s working early tomorrow, and it’s taking you too long, so you need to put a wiggle in it, Missy.) You’ve got all the time you need to get your happy dance going, without the need to make him feel like he accomplished something he didn’t.
10. It doesn’t require visits to the local clinic after every yippee. Assuming you are both monogamous, no worries about STDs or unknown partners in the mix.
11. No more condoms. They’re a hassle, they feel weird, and the last time your hot date stood before you wearing nothing but a lime green, ribbed latex tube on his penis, you laughed so hard, he left with his clothes in hand and you’ve never seen him since.
12. There’s no more worrying that you don’t know what he likes and what not-so-much. And you don’t have to learn it all by the second attempt. It takes away the anxiety about “getting it right,” and having those humiliating “I told you this last time, Baby. I like it that way” conversations in bed.
13. No fears of being laughed at or judged when we ask for something specific. We can just blurt it out, without fear of rejection or ridicule. We can have “big girl sex.” We’re 50+. We get to ask.
14. You don’t have to drink and drive to your booty call (or back home after). You’re already home. And you’ve got wine.
15. Unless you’re married to Kanye, you don’t have to wonder if your nude photos will eventually be splattered across Facebook and Twitter, or that the incredibly bad homemade video you made one drunken afternoon will be submitted to the upcoming Fox12 reality show, “Menopausal Porn Stars.”
16. You never have to ask, “Was it good for you?” By this time, you know what to do and how to tell if you’re doing it right. And so does he.
Too funny! I am always glad you use your own special focus group. Yeah for marriage.
Thanks, Haralee! Marriage rocks, yes? :)
Yes yes hell yes to number 16 :-) I think in my 20s I found that depressing.
Late 40s Carla thinks it’s awesome.
Late 40s Carla is absolutely right! Late 50s me agrees! :)
My husband and I were just talking yesterday about how grateful we are to have each other and NOT have to be out there, looking. Ugh!!
I hear you, Sharon! Hubs and I have had more than one “Thank you God, we’re not out there dating again” conversations over the years! :)
#16? You never have to ask us, ladies. Unless the guy has a “plumbing malfunction” it’s always good, usually it’s way better than good.
You make me laugh, Bob! It is definitely easier for us to know, than for you guys! :)
“Put a wiggle in it, Missy.” I’m gonna be saying this line all week, I love it that much! The whole piece is hilarious.
Thanks, Stephanie! I love it when people grab a line from one of my posts. Makes me smile all day!
Married sex is less demanding! So true and thank his I’m married to a wonderful guy!!hillarious loved your stories!! Always do!!
Thank you, Vasanti! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines! :)
We’ve been married 32 years and it’s still great! Would never, ever, ever want to go back to that dating stuff. Thanks once again for making me laugh!
Found the book before the blog. Coming to get my humor fix. Did not disappoint. :-)
Any relation to Sam and Stacey?
Hilarious and wise – in equal measure – as per usual.
My lady and I have been doing the sexy for 35 years and the quality has never been better. But there is one disadvantage of giggling during the throes of passion: the lady part tends to expel the intruder like the Heimlich Maneuver squeezes a rusk out of a choking child.