Out with a group of girlfriends, chattering nonstop over wine and a variety of appetizers, when the conversation inevitably turned to the current state of our marriages. One woman commented that her husband had recently walked in front of her into a local drugstore and let go of the door, completely oblivious to the fact that it closed in her face. He insisted it wasn’t intentional and they laughed about it at the time, but her story sparked another round of drinks and a hilarious discussion at our table about the small signs that the honeymoon phase of our relationships might be waning.
1. Polite requests have become terse commands. “Please turn the TV down” is now “Turn it down!”
2. You both agree to stop celebrating your anniversary because you “don’t want to spend the money.”
3. Your fights are no longer resolved with makeup sex.
4. You can’t remember makeup sex.
5. Sweat pants and a tattered, favorite college team t-shirt have become his weekend uniform. Every weekend. For all occasions.
6. The only underwear you currently own are granny panties. In beige. Which you buy in bulk at Costco.
7. When he walks into your bathroom and sees you naked, he simply asks to borrow your toothpaste. You vaguely remember “naked” being all it took to be late for work.
8. If you have to choose between sleep and sex, guess who wins?
9. Your wedding DVD is “somewhere.”
10. He loudly releases pent-up internal air pressure (commonly known as “belches and farts”) at the table, without missing a beat in your dinner conversation.
11. You stop fantasizing about the unattainable, and therefore safe, Ryan Gosling and start dreaming about his best friend. A lot.
12. You’re on the toilet and he’s brushing his teeth. In the same bathroom. The only mystery left in your marriage is which idiot made the purchase that overdrew the checking account.
13. You share graphic descriptions of your IBS or other bodily malfunctions as part of your daily conversations. Because foreplay doesn’t get much hotter than a 20-minute, 4-color visual on your uncooperative bowels right before bedtime.
14. Wake-up sex is no longer an option until morning breath has been taken care of, the dogs have been let out to pee, the thermostat has been turned up to warm up the house, and you’ve both had coffee. Now it’s called “brunch sex,” and the moment has passed. Again.
15. If he tells that joke one more time, you’re going to snuff him in his sleep.
16. He feels the same way about your office workplace stories.
17. When you get all fabulous looking in your sexiest LBD and his only comment is, “If that’s what you’re wearing, you better take a sweater. It’s supposed to get cold tonight.”
18. Previously adorable habits and quirks are now just annoying. The way he salts his food “just so,” with exactly three shakes, every. single. time. (But if you asked him, your insistence that the guest towels are hung exactly right all the time quit being cute by the third year of the marriage.)
19. You spend an evening together at your favorite restaurant and get through the entire meal without speaking. And you’re not fighting.
20. Your spouse goes away for the weekend guys’ trip, and you’re positively giddy about being alone for three whole days.
21. Uninhibited, randy sex, any time, anywhere, has been replaced by careful consideration of the mood (as in “Are you in it?”), comfort, and physical capabilities or limitations of the participants. “Hey baby, do you want to try Kama Sutra #16 on the dining room table?” hasn’t been asked in your house for a long, long time. Thank God.
Last week, Hubs and I had to make a Safeway run during a torrential downpour. We have a shopping system where I hand him the cart contents and he tucks everything into the trunk, then I run the cart back to one of those parking lot stalls and he picks me up. Within the two minutes it took to get our cart unloaded, we were both soaked. Presuming his natural gallantry would kick in, I started to hop up into the warm, dry truck. He jumped in on the other side, pointed to a cart stall a half-mile away, and said, “Hurry up and take the cart back. I’ll swing around and get you over there.”
Seriously, buddy?? It was raining in deluges out there, with gale-force winds. By the time I got done, I looked like Grumpy Cat after little Suzie had tossed him into the patio hot tub.
“I can’t believe you made me take that cart back in this rain.” I grumbled, “15 years ago, you would have done it instead.” Hubs burst out laughing and replied, “15 years ago, you would’ve been wearing stilettos.”
He had a point.
So as we drove home, both soggy and chilled to the bone, clutching three DVDs and a great bottle of Cabernet, we agreed that the first one in their sweats got the big couch. I can live with that.
Okay so maybe the honeymoon is over, but it sounds like you’re pretty darn comfortable together. I’ve never hit that point, but I think it’s a nice place to be.
Thanks, Vanessa! You’re right, it is quite nice. (Certainly less stressful!) :)
While watching my beloved in his normal position, head back, mouth open, raucous snoring, louder than any snoring known in the history of man, I try to remember what it was that would have not too many years ago caused me to crawl through the fires of hell to just be with him.
You nailed this one!
Thanks, Cate! I think that’s why God invented scrapbooks! :)
Haha!
I feel like you were a little mouse in the corner at my house. Who told?
Pat, I think we’re all very much alike as couples! Good to know it goes at OTHER people’s houses too! :)
I prefer to think of it as the “comfortable” stage of marriage! That’s what the sweat pants are for!
You’re right, Kathleen! And things are getting pretty comfy around here! :)
check! Check! Che….oh jeez!! :D
Roshni, you crack me up! :)
It is what it has become! All of the things we NEVER wanted to do or wanted to hear from them are now just everyday happenings! And some I wish were still to be explored! As for the sweats–I’ve burned 2prs of Lloyd’s!
You’re right, Cheryl! But it seems to be inevitable. Fortunately, the laughter remains! :)
#13! My husband went into some extensive detail about his post-Indian food experience the other night, if you catch my drift. And unfortunately I caught his. In more ways than one.
Nailed it! We’ve only been married for four years but yea, the honeymoon is already over for us. The grossing each other out and toilet related shenanigans is so true for us.
And sex? What the hell is that?! I’d love to still get it 3 times a week. I’m lucky if hubs gives it to me once every 10 days. Ouch!
I’ll take comfortable any day LOL. Although, we still have young kids, so we actually talk at restaurants because it’s the only time we aren’t being interrupted.
I have a solution to #10, we have enacted the no farting at the dinner table rule. If you pass gass at the table, you get to do the dishes. Better hope you have better clenching capabilities!