I was 11 when my mom and stepdad got married. Both parents had three kids, so the marriage instantly turned us into a large, boisterous family trying to learn to live together and share everything, with each child constantly jockeying for position and attention from the clearly exhausted and constantly outflanked new stepparents from either side.
My stepdad was a doctor, so he sought refuge at his clinic and the local hospital, where he could be in charge with no questions asked (this was in the late 60s, where doctors told God what to do). Mom stayed home with the kids. Within the next couple of years, five out of the six were teenagers. All at the same time. There was a reason 5 p.m. was referred to as “Attitude Adjustment Hour” at our house.
My mother quickly developed a parenting style that was pithy, blunt, and on-the-fly. She had no time for silliness like drawn-out negotiating or soul-searching chats with her offspring, biological or otherwise. Mom would drop tidbits of wisdom like bread crumbs, and if we were smart, we’d listen. If we were really smart, we’d learn.
Like many women, after raising my own child and then handed darling, dimpled grandchildren to help guide along life’s journey, I find myself repeating maternal admonitions recalled from my youth. The older I get, the smarter she was. So today is dedicated to my mother, and her 25 Most Memorable Mom-isms.
1. You have to suffer to be beautiful. (As a child, this was usually offered up when she was yanking the snarls out of my hair. In later years, it included high heels and Botox.)
2. If you’re fighting with someone you care about, be the first to say “I’m sorry.” You don’t have to mean it. You just have to say it. (Well, somebody has to go first.)
3. It’s time to diet when you’re wider from the side view than from the front. (Weirdly accurate. It’s better than a scale. Go look. We’ll wait.)
4. The only way 2 people can keep a secret is if one of them is dead. (We thought she invented “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.” To this day, you can’t coax, bribe, or threaten a secret out of any of us.)
5. The best way to avoid falling in love with a poor man is not to date one. (Mom was nothing if not practical.)
6. If you kiss a boy, he’ll want to “do it” and you’ll get pregnant. (Granted, we were very young, but for years my sisters and I thought kissing made you pregnant. Mom’s work was done.)
7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. For someone else. (By the time we were all in college, this became “Absence makes the heart realize it doesn’t miss your absent ass.”)
8. Don’t confuse the wedding with the marriage. (Mama Kardashian might have done better by her daughters if she’d have passed this one down.)
9. A woman rarely regrets not sleeping with a man. The same can’t be said of the opposite. (In our younger days, it was a more direct “Keep your knees together and your feet on the floor.” That worked too.)
10. You can learn a lot about a man by how he treats his dog. (Mom nailed this one. It’s true. Every. Time.)
11. Marriages are like pancakes. You screw the first one up. (With 6 kids and and 14 marriages between us, we might have taken this one a bit too literally. Don’t judge.)
12. Don’t buy a car you haven’t driven or marry a man you haven’t slept with. They’re both hard to return. (I was in my 20s by this time. And it was the 80s.)
13. Frankly Scarlett, you’re not that important. (Instantly squashing all wails of “Everybody will be looking at me!” when we got a zit on prom night.)
14. You can’t be the bride at every wedding or the corpse at every funeral. (We learned “It’s not always about you” very early. Nice job, Mom.)
15. If he says he’s not good enough for you, he’s right. (“You’re too good for me” became the relationship kiss of death with the girls in my family. See ya’, buddy.)
16. Fred was good, but Ginger did it all backwards. In stilettos. Be Ginger. (Did I mention that Mom was a rebel?)
17. Never be a mistress. You’ll either get dumped or become his wife, in which case, he’ll get a new mistress. (Usually emphasized a finger shake and “You following me here?”)
18. Promiscuous men are studs. Promiscuous women are tramps. Men don’t marry tramps. They may sleep with them, but they don’t marry them. (Self-explanatory, and undisputed.)
19. Life is not fair. Deal with it. (See #18)
20. At a certain age, a woman has to choose between her ass and her face. Skinny older women look even older. And they’re cranky. Eat. (Bless you, Mom.)
21. Don’t smoke. But if you must, do so only when seated. Women who walk while smoking look trashy. (Surprisingly true. Check it out next time you’re in a mall.)
22. Never do anything for a man when you’re dating that you don’t want to do when you’re married. It sets an ugly precedent. (So to all the boyfriends I never cooked for, blame Mom.)
23. Assume every photo of you will be seen by me, your dad, your minister, your boss, and your future children. (All aspirations of becoming Porn Star Patti in college instantly vaporized. Go, Mom.)
24. Never bet on a horse with a bad track record. (Usually accompanied by a stern look and an admonition, “If he lies and cheats on you, he’s a creep. But if you let him, you’re an idiot. I didn’t raise idiots.”)
25. When in doubt, be fabulous. (And we were.)
Thanks, Mom, for your wit and your wisdom. Despite what must have not-infrequently seemed insurmountable odds, you raised some pretty terrific (and occasionally fabulous) kids. And now I’m going to get my granddaughter. We’re going to have a talk about kissing.
I love these – humorous but very valid!!
Your mom is a genius. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree :)
Love that pancake philosophy! So true.
Vicki, a gem. A total gem. I picture your mother hustling off to handle some task while she tosses these over her shoulder. Great post.
This is total awesomeness. Vicki, you rock girl!
Your mother and our mother would have had a LOT to talk about. Except yours was probably nicer. And not mostly drunk.
Oh, never mind. Great post, as always!
A wise woman, your mother. Ass or face is my favorite, and #3 made my day. I’m going to pass on the knees together, feet on the floor one to my daughter, as well as the photo one, and most of the other, too. Please, God, let her listen.
Such great advice — no doubt our mother’s would have been life long friends! My mother has a few “gems” of her own — she raised four daughters and only one got pregnant out of wedlock — she considers this very successful child-rearing, LOL!
Oh, these are so perfect… every one of them. Your household must have been a hoot — AFTER attitude adjustment hour, of course.
♥
I love number 5!
EVERY girl should hear #9. Every.single.one.
No wonder you are such a genius! :D
These are awesome. I always tell my sister that if she tells someone else…it’s no longer a secret.lol #25 is a good one in this age of social media. You’re mom is a smart on. I’m pinning this to start using some on my 6 yo daughter ;)
Great advice. The photo one needs to be told to all teenagers on Facebook these days. I’ve seen some shocking photos posted by the teenagers in the youth group I used to lead for a church I once attended. It led to many interesting conversations with both the kids and their parents. Why would you friend your church youth group leader on Facebook if you’re posting pictures like that? It doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m rambling now so I should stop.
These are terrific, and I’m going to borrow some of your mom’s wisdom. Especially fond of #8.
THIS is gold!! I never thoughy about smoking and walking, but I just assume I always look scary when I smoke, because it’s usually only after drinking :)
I too had a pancake marriage and the second? Is bliss!
Great post!
No WONDER you turned out so fabulous, huh?!
Great Advice…I’m sending to my daughters. My advice to my two girls: don’t sleep with anyone you can’t fart in front of. I would not give my son the same advice–he’s a fart machine.
Wow…This brought back a whole LOT of memories…we have SUCH the Mom…..how very lucky we are :-)…Sissy…..P.S….I am printing this and putting on my bulletin board…I can still use a few of the reminders :-)…
Your Mom and our Aunt Kae. How much I admire her! Always beautiful, always classy, gentle, smart… I could go on, but what a wonderful list of advice to have and share. From her lips to your computer screen to my heart.
This is such a great list of tips. Many of them have been passed down to me throughout my life too, and they definitely make a world of difference.
This..THIS is the list of facts I thought everyone knew but me when I was 10 or 11. I thought these were the famous “facts of life”. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why my mother went apoplectic when I asked her about the facts of life…. Great list…where were you 47 years ago?
Right on! Wish I’d had this list when my girls were young.
Your mom was brilliant! I love them all, but #19 I say constantly to my kids!
I LOVE THIS…
My mom’s advice is this: Don’t listen to me, you know I don’t know what I’m talking about..
I no longer have my mom. I love this post. It makes me reflect on all that she taught me. Perhaps I’ll be inspired to write a post like this someday too.
What a great morning read. I have to admit to having used a few of those myself raising my angels and I regret none of it!
It’s good to start your day with strong coffee, SITTING with a cigarette and laughing at the truth!
Your mother was a very wise woman! Loved #18 and #24!
All great stuff, but #6 really brought back quite a memory. My mom’s version was this: If you are dancing with a boy and you feel something hard from his crotch, against YOU, then you must run!
I ruined many a good potential dance partner that way, never understanding the true concept behind her words. Then I got a bit smarter and took it as a compliment. Kinda.
Hahaha! Some of these are so hilarious! Your mom sounds like such a wonderful person. I’m sure you are grateful that she taught you guys so much!
Your mom totally rocks. I love number 23 and may have to use it on my stepdaughter who has more 1/2 naked selfies on her computer than Paris Hilton.
What a fun post! I loved #3 and I lived #11, unfortunately. I’ve decided to take pancakes out of my cooking repertoire. :)
Such maternal wisdom. I particularly like the side/front comparison as an indicator of the need to diet.
OMG!!! Your Mom was an amazing woman, with excellent advice! Thank you for sharing these “Words of Wisdom”!
THis is great…I LOVE eleven..
For your grandchildren. “Everything you put on the Internet is like sky writing. Ask David Petraeus or Anthony Weiner. ” (Make them Google “David Petraeus and Anthony Weiner).
The greatest lessons in life every 16 year old should automatically get a copy! Then again at 21 and 40 for a refresher course!
A lot of truth and humor in those gems. I love how tight schedules force you to be to the point, and I love how wise we seem when really, we just don’t have time to be wordy.
I used to read Ann Landers all the time growing up. But your moms advice is way better.
Reading the one about not smoking while walking: I’m immediately back in college in Pittsburgh, on the street walking from the dorms to class, smoking. And knowing I shouldn’t be, because ladies don’t smoke in public.
I love every single one of these!
Priceless! One smart lady. I think the only advice I got had to do with “mixing drinks.” My mom told me, “Never mix, never worry.” Interesting that now I write about cocktails…
I received better advice from my dad on a lot of topics. He was a high school teacher and “got” kids that age a lot better. Thanks for sharing this, Vikki!