My mother was a MILF. Of course, she didn’t know it at the time. It was, after all, in the 1960s, and MILFs were 40+ years down the road. When I was in my teens, she would have been referred to as “hot,” or “a fox.” Suffice it to say, she was stunning and all my teenage boyfriends loved her.
Mom grew up in the 50s. She was slender, wasp-waisted, with a perfect, blonde beehive hairdo, and smelled like Youth Dew from Estee Lauder (before the unfortunate change in formulation). She wore slim skirts and stilettos, and always “freshened up” by fixing her hair and her makeup before Dad came home. This was not a home that fostered tomboys. My sister and I grew up, not surprisingly, to be girly-girls, with a love of fashion, makeup, and all things beautiful.
Sissy and I learned very early that beauty was work. One had to pay attention, so nothing slipped through the cracks and pronounced us as “lazy” or “tacky,” or worst of all, like we came from the “Squattley family.” (Nobody ever actually met a Squattley, but you didn’t want to be mistaken for one. Ever.)
Beauty came with rules, and Mom knew exactly how to deliver them with the conviction of Moses reading the Stone Tablets. With 6 kids at home (3 hers and 3 his), she had no time for chatty mother-daughter discussions and lessons on how not to disgrace ourselves and ruin the family name for future generations. Mom had a quick, dry wit, and a scathing sense of humor, and she delivered most of her advice on the fly. One-liners or pithy instructions would spring forth spontaneously at home, in the car, or in the produce department of the local supermarket. At a young age, I learned to carry a pencil and a notepad in anticipation of her sidelong glance that told me something I needed to know was forthcoming.
By the time we were in our teens, Sissy and I had memorized The Rules, through repeated daily reminders from our personal Beauty Sherpa. Some have been easier to follow than others, and a few are now more relevant to an earlier time, but at 70+ and still fabulous, Mom has a certain credibility that can’t be denied.
Mentally reviewing The Rules the other day, lest I find myself dropping the ball, I wrote down my favorites:
1. You have to suffer to be beautiful. I learned this one at 14, while getting braces put on my teeth. 40+ years later, it’s about stilettos, Spanx, skinny jeans, and Botox injections. Some truths never change.
2. At a certain age, a woman has to choose between her face and her ass. A little fat softens facial lines, but you’ll have a horse’s patooty-size backside. Too thin and your butt might be smaller, but your face will be lined like a Texas saddle. (Repeat after me, “Life is not fair.”)
3. The difference between a beautiful woman and an ugly woman is either God or a ton of money.
4. Beauty comes from within, but the outside needs a little makeup. And a good bra.
5. If you must smoke, do so only while seated. Walking with a cigarette makes you look like a Squattley.
6. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
7. If you’re wider from the side view than from the front view, you’re definitely fat.
8. Walk lightly, and don’t tromp. You’re a girl, not a Clydesdale.
9. When a man insists he likes his wife “natural,” without makeup or any visible effort, you can bet his mistress is anything but.
10. If you drink, do so in moderation. Drunk is never a woman’s best presentation. (Mom always insisted that if a woman could see herself on video while drunk, she’d never make that mistake again. YouTube would agree.)
11. A woman is instantly judged by her shoes and her handbag. Economize somewhere else.
12. If you paint your nails, no chips. If you color your hair, no roots. It looks tacky. (She thought the hombre hair color fad was just plain stupid, and we almost lost her during the grunge era.)
13. If you keep frowning, your face will freeze like that. (Fortunately, Botox freezes it back.)
14. Don’t curse. It makes you sound like a trucker, and only a certain type of man wants a trucker.
15. Keep your nails short. Men find long red nails scary. A woman can’t have long red nails and a good sex life.
16. Men are visual. That’s why they like stilettos. And porn. That’s also why they don’t need to see you toileting, plucking your brows, or shaving anything but your legs.
17. Stand up straight. It projects confidence. Besides, hunching makes your boobs look droopy.
18. Never chew gum. People who chew gum look like cows chewing cud.
19. Know how to be a lady. If you want to be a tramp, do it in the bedroom, but you should always be a lady in public.
20. Whenever you’re trying to change something about yourself, be realistic. Only God can make a tree.
21. A woman has the face God gave her at 20 and the face she’s earned at 50. Wear sunscreen. And don’t squint.
22. Learn to walk in stilettos, even if only in the bedroom. Men love them. Always have, always will. Get used to it.
23. Be careful when wearing prints, especially on the bottom. Nobody ever looked at the wrong end of a zebra and said, “Wow. That zebra sure has a tiny ass.”
24. Be sparing with cosmetic intervention. Your face should never look younger than the rest of you.
25. When your makeup is done and you’re ready to go out, take half of it off. Less is more.
26. Look good when your husband gets home, and look happy to see him. If you don’t, someone else will.
27. Get your hair off of your face. You look like a sheepdog.
28. SMILE. It’s the most beautiful thing you can wear.
Thanks, Mom, for these pearls of female wisdom over the years. Some make me think. Others still make me snort-laugh out loud (which I know is terribly unladylike). But most of these have stood the test of time and I’ll be passing them along to my granddaughter when she’s ready. Until then, I don’t chew gum, but I still can’t master those damn stilettos.
lol! I recall hearing several of those pearls myself. My Mom was very anti-makeup for me and my sister. But I do remember her buying me my first perfume for a school dance – Love’s Babysoft Strawberry!!
Weren’t our 1950’s raised Moms wonderful!
Laura, ooh, I remember Love’s Baby Soft! My first perfume too. Isn’t it amazing what we remember from soooooo long ago? :)
Bwahahaha! Okay my self esteem is shot to hell this morning! I am definitely a Squattely! I’ve tried and tried but with a Pentecostal mother and 4 brothers, the closest thing I got to makeup as a teenager was the time I accidentally huffed a jar of loose powder foundation! Now I fear it is to late to teach an old dog new tricks! I am trying though! Thanks for the morning coffee…all over my desk!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rena, we’ve all been Squattelys at some time or another! Fortunately we have our mothers to pull us back in. :) Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Too funny! Both my parents would yell at me for getting my hair off my face! Hope you have a fabulous week!
Sarah, the “Get your hair out of your face, you look like a sheepdog” was continually directed at all three girls for years! Loved that you stopped by to comment! :)
Vikki, you did your mom proud- you are beautiful and def not a Squattely!
My mom was not so forthcoming, we mainly got ‘get your hair out of your face’ and ‘stand up straight’. Mom spent a lot more time on our grammar than our looks, perhaps a better use of her time…
Thanks, Nancy! I have my Squattely moments, but I try to just share them with Hubs! Yeah, he scored… :)
I bow to the wisdom of the zebra comment.
I cannot deny.
Susan, I’ve been afraid to wear prints on my butt for decades. Black only, baby! Great to see you on Laugh Lines! :)
#2 made me laugh — I’d never thought of it like that!
What a great list. Your mom rocks!
Thanks, Lori! Yes, she does, doesn’t she? :)
Such great advice. Especially the gum chewing. Oy vey.
That’s true, Sharon! I can’t stand to watch anybody chew gum, and I can’t do it either. The cow chewing cud visual is too ingrained in my brain! :)
I do love this. Smoking. Yes, good advice about that.Mom wore heels all the time and ended up unable to wear flats. I’m the opposite.
Thanks, Carol! I used to love heels, but after 50, they got shorter, and shorter until they became flats! :)
my Mom had jewels too, to the sister next to me, who had the language of a stevedore….”such a pretty girl, such an ugly mouth”
With four girls, Mom finally gave in one day and said Balls, as in Men’s!!! We knew then she was a pod person!! Some alien had taken over!
Cate, I don’t think I’ve ever heard my mother say “Balls,” but who knows how parents behave when their kids aren’t home! :)
Beauty advice #1: “You can go out the door with no make-up, except lipstick,” my mother said. Beauty advice #2: “Even if you don’t feel well, a bit of lipstick will perk you up and put a little color on your face.” Her mother sold Avon, and I LOVED playing with those miniature lipsticks! And I never leave home without lipstick or gloss. Ever.
I agree, Lynne! When rushed, a great lipstick and a pair of fabulous sunglasses, and you’ll be rockin’! :)
It must be universal. To this day, I get the lipstick lecture and I’m 47. The only difference is that I finally realize my Mom is right. (And am very thankful she is here to remind me! )
There was a Squattelys sighting this past Saturday in the parking lot of my local WalMart. I was placing groceries in the trunk of my car when 2 woman rolled up with carts filled to the brim to unload into their own car which was parked next to mine. I try to not judge at first glance, but I instantly noted that one woman was dressed nicely – capris, with a matching top and attractive sandals; while the other woman was dressed liked a Squattely – large floral print shorts on her lower half that were stretched to the max and much too tight, a baggy florescent pink t-shirt on her upper half that bore some kind of faded brown logo which had parts missing and was unreadable from either too many washings or simply because it was from circa 1980-something. Oh and flip-flops – bright green flip flops on her feet. Her medium-length gray hair was completely disheveled and flopping in her face. But Saturday was a really hot day here and quite humid … and grocery shopping extravaganzas are no fun at all … so I tried to stop thinking “Squattely” and give this woman the benefit of a doubt. I managed it too … until I got in my car to leave. After fastening my seatbelt, I lowered my driver-side window to let some heat out of the car … I put the car in reverse, checked my mirrors and started backing out of my parking spot, and as I eased out I saw that the florescent pink floral woman now had a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. And there wasn’t just smoke billowing out of her mouth. As she recklessly threw groceries into the trunk of her car, she was now cussing like a trucker – but she wasn’t mad – I could tell by the look on her friend’s face that this was the woman’s every-day vocabulary. “Yep. She’s a Squattely alright,” I said to myself … and away I went. :)
Loved this post, Vikki!!! And your new blog lay-out! Absolutely beautiful!!!
Thanks so much, Marcia! It was fun to write. And my mother would have taken that woman out behind the woodshed for the schoolin’! Love your story!
I especially love number 28!
Thanks, Janie! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines!
LMAO! My mom was a a tomboy so she did not impart such wisdom to me but my grandma believed that a girl should never wear pants. She told me I’d grow a penis if I wore one. :D
Jhanis, that’s one I never heard, but it would have kept me out of pants for sure! Mom wasn’t big on jeans until I went to college! :)
Love your mom! Though I’d definitely be a Squattely in her books. And I’m definitely getting Squattelier. Stilettos? Oh my. Is falling down a flight of stairs sexy?
Liz, I wish it was! Falling down the stair, tripping over nothing, and spraining an ankle… All in stilettos. Guess we’re never going to walk the runway! :)
“At a certain age, a woman has to choose between her face and her ass.” That may just be the best line ever written. I haven’t quite decided which I’m going to choose.
Dana, me neither! But it does make me a bit more accepting of my weight fluctuations. At least one part of me is working it! :)
I think my mom and your mom went to the same beauty school. If I had a nickel for every time my mother said “You have to suffer to be beautiful,” I would be a multi-millionaire (there were 3 girls in our HH, so there was a lot of discussion about this topic)!
Claudia, at our house too! And that particular admonition was the most-repeated over the years. :)
Oh so funny! Thanks for the laugh.
Thanks, Mac! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!
I was raised by my dad during the most important years of a young woman’s life. Act like a lady? Look like one? Nope. He tried every so often, albeit in rather misogynistic ways, to tell me the only way I would land a good husband is to be thin and gorgeous but then later he’d be asking me to help him move furniture. Yea, because THAT is ladylike. Not.
These days I usually resemble a Squattley. I just don’t have much energy to fix my hair and makeup every day. Thankfully my husband doesn’t mind.
Kim, at this age, I prefer to call it “relaxed.” :) I figure as long as we’re not talking across a parking lot with a cigarette hanging out our mouths or snapping gum while we talk, we’re good!
My mom didn’t really share much beauty advice, but had very definite fashion advice. One summer, I had a job cleaning out old file cabinets. I had to pull out every single file, check the date of the last entry, and throw out anything more than 20 years old. This was in the era of carbon paper; and to add to the fun, the building was being sandblasted (nothing keeps that sand outside). Early on, as I was leaving for work one morning in my jeans and tee shirt, my mother critically remarked “you have such beautiful clothes – why must you wear those horrible old pants?” For the rest of the summer I dressed up – nylons, heels, the whole nine yards – and changed into my jeans when I got to work! (My father’s advice was “you look so much better when you don’t wear your glasses” – I told HE looked better when I do!)
#23 made me laugh out loud! I always question when I hear women say their husband or partner doesn’t like them to wear makeup. I think they are either super controlling, or dishonest, or cheap. I Never believe it and it might be #9!
Haralee, I laughed out loud while I was writing this, remembering Mom saying, “Now, this is important, so pay attention!” She still reminds us every now and then to stop slouching! :)
This is a crazy list… I’m loving #25, but then I wonder if, or when, #9 would come into play if I tried it.. eeek..
Thanks! I love momisms from years gone by. It’s funny how much we remember, and then repeat to our kids and grandkids. Maybe someday they’ll be quoting us! :) Thanks for reading and commenting! :)
I just realized that I’m a complete tomboy! Maybe even a Squattely!!
Roshni, somehow I doubt that very much! I save my tomboy look for the weekend (much to Hubs’ dismay!) :) Great to see you on Laugh Lines!
I’m passing on these tips to my 20-year-old daughter who (of course) looks terrific now, but might find them useful as she ages. On the basis of self-preservation, I’ve opted not to share then with my wife!
My mom must have told me half of these things, but the most was “It hurts to be beautiful.” She also told me that super skinny women have horrible faces so you need to find the balance. I have NOT found the balance.
Some of these are actually true….like the wider from the side than from the front. Um…..guilty.
This is a funny list. I was not really raised with any rules, but as someone with a large chest, I have definitely invested in a good bra, otherwise I would have droopy boobs. My husband actually doesn’t like me in stilettos because I stand taller than him and it makes him uncomfortable, but I think that’s also because I’m fat. We’ll see when I lose the weight if it changes. Thanks for sharing.
I love your posts. Some of these made me laugh out loud. My mom did not teach me any of these things, although some I picked up on my own. I never even learned how to paint my nails or do anything with my hair other than put it in a ponytail. And I was a tomboy. She did make me wear dresses every single day, until my freshman year of high school, perhaps in a misguided attempt to change me? LOL I didn’t start to make an effort until after college. Ironically, my daughter is very well put together.
My mother was nothing like that or like you. I wished so badly for a mother to show me how to be a lady and take pride in my appearance, but got my mom (serious tom boy). Some of these made me laugh and some of these made me think too and some are honestly timeless tips. I’ll never master those darn stilettos either : (
I liked this, very much! I’m pretty funny! :)
Thanks Mom! And yes, you are. :)