It seems like I’m constantly stumbling across references to “The New 50.” “50 is the new 40” articles and posters crop up online and on Facebook seemingly by the minute, assuring us to whom it matters that we may be 50-something, but we can look 40-something. Not as easy as it sounds.
For many of us, our 50s are an age where we begin to struggle with issues that seem to have cropped up overnight. (I swear I gained 10 pounds the day I turned 50, and they’ve permanently parked themselves across my midsection with the tenacity of chewing gum in a toddler’s hair.) Suddenly phrases like “age-appropriate” filter into our clothes shopping, makeup we’ve worn forever now looks somehow wrong, and we’re wondering if we should grow our super-short hair into a more flattering length, but aren’t quite sure what that is.
Having been in the retail beauty business since the invention of lip gloss (I was teaching for Estee Lauder in Canada the year they introduced the first Clinique counter into the country. God, I’m officially older than dirt), I’ve learned that the best source of beauty advice is, not surprisingly, other women. Women are wonderfully willing to share insider secrets and tips, and I’ve yet to meet a beautiful woman who’s tired of being asked how exactly she got that way. I’ve collected dozens of tips over the years on how to age well, and what I’ve learned is that what you don’t do is as important as what you do. So I’m sharing my most-repeated advice from gorgeous women with you (because I’m generous that way).
Top 10 Things to Avoid to Not Look Old:
1. Mom jeans. High-waisted, tapered or cropped at the ankle, and made of heavy denim that adds the equivalent of a backwards fanny pack right where most of us need it the least. The belly. You don’t need to pay $175 for flattering jeans, but you do need to shop at stores whose names don’t end in “Mart.”
2. Bad bras. Ill-fitted, with not enough support for two Chiclets, much less gravity-assaulted beagle ears. By your 50s, it’s time to start buying bras that actually fit and that get ’em up there. Keep the lacy, dental floss styles for the bedroom.
3. Overdone makeup. Heavy foundation falls into the cracks, red lipstick bleeds, and thick eyeliner starts looking a little “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.” Lighten up. You’ll look years younger and your pillowcases won’t look like a four-color Rorschach test every morning.
4. Mall hair. If your bangs resemble a large cauliflower floret attached to the center of your forehead, it’s time to rethink your stylist. I’m not sure why hair schools teach that unfortunate cut, but they must, because it’s everywhere in rural America. Repeat after me. Bangs should not look like they sprouted from your forehead, independently of the rest of your hair.
5. Baggy, oversize clothes. If you could fit a hamhock up under your shirt, I guarantee you that you look heavier and older than your years. Baggy clothes don’t hide middle-age weight gain. They draw attention to it by suggesting you’re actually filling up all that space. Think maternity clothes. What woman ever looked thinner in anything called a “smock”? Find a style that flatters your shape, then buy every color they make.
6. Conversely, your daughter’s clothes. This is a epitome of “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” Yippee for you (and I mean that. Really, I do) that you’re 55 and still wear a size 2, but this does not give you free rein to root through your size-2, 17-year-old daughter’s closet for what to wear to your high school reunion. Trust me, everyone will know how tiny you still are, even without the midriff-baring top and the vagina-peeking skirt.
7. No sunscreen. Very few things turn our faces into the backside of a saddlebag faster than sun exposure. Wear a minimum of 15 SPF. Every. Single. Day. And don’t be saying, “Well, I use sunscreen in the summer.” Swell, except that 80% of premature aging comes from UVA rays. The year-round ones that cut through clouds and glass, that we’re exposed to when we go get the mail. In February. And for those of you still using tanning beds… STOP THAT.
8. Church Lady clothes. Skirts longer than your va-jay-jay doesn’t mean a drab A-line down to your mid-calf, and less cleavage doesn’t mean buttoned up to your upper clavicle with a white Peter Pan collar and matching self-belt. If Laura Ingalls Wilder wore it to church on Little House, you shouldn’t be wearing it, ever. There are lots of choices out there that celebrate our shapes and sexuality (gasp!) without shoving it all up people’s business. If you’re not sure, grab a well-dressed girlfriend to go shopping with you and agree to try on every single thing she brings you. You’ll both have a ball.
9. Too thin. I added this one because I love you. Yep, too thin can be aging. The body and face need a little padding to soften lines and smooth the skin, making us look healthier and (there is a God) younger. After raising six kids, my mother mastered the art of brevity in life lessons and told her girls, “At a certain age, a woman has to choose between her face and her ass.” Bless you, Mom. So have a piece of cheesecake. And a glass of wine. Your face will thank you.
10. Woman on Top. Then there’s my Grammy, whose pithy wisdom I still miss every day. Years ago, she instructed me to grab a large mirror and lay it on the floor, then kneel over it on all fours. Look down. That’s what your partner sees when you’re on top. (Go ahead and try it. We’ll wait.) If your face skin falls forward like a TV ad for the Life Style Lift, or your boobs dangle like two sock puppets on a clothes line and your belly drops low enough to sway to the beat, it’s time to get underneath or consider dimming the lights. Hubs and I have been doing it in the dark since I was in my 40s. He blames it on childhood nightmares. He has no idea.
(Author’s disclaimer: I don’t follow all of these rules, so don’t take lessons from me. Most of the time, I’m an insecure mess who does as much wrong as right. But fortunately, I have a lot of beautiful friends.)
LOL I’ll keep these in mind, especially the midriff-baring top and the vagina-peeking skirt. ;)
Wow Vikki~ You had the coolest grandma ever! My grandma was pretty cool, too. Before she died at age 91, she requested that a sexy red nightie be placed in the casket with her. She wanted to be ready for grandpa when she got to heaven! A great attitude kept her young!
“If Laura Ingalls Wilder wore it to church on Little House, you shouldn’t be wearing it, ever.” Amen sister. Sending this to all my gal pals in Club Fifty.
Very funny! The line “boobs dangling like sock puppets on a clothes line” will blow through the corners of my soon to be empty mind for a long time!
Great stuff here! I am on a personal trek of actually looking my age. No one is ever surprised when they meet me except to comment that I look older than I act. A lifetime comment! I dress for comfort and styles vary from not-too-out-of-style to they-still-sell-those? to cute-outfit-Mom. None of those matter to me, but I do have a few nice and stylish dress it up a bit things I can pull out. Absolutely everything I wear daily is 2 years or less because I empty my closet annually and everything that’s been there two years is gone!
Of course, this doesn’t include basics that never had style,cardigans, among those.
Young is off my charts at 63 yrs 9 months…but we’ll fitting and clean and not faded is not.
The face and body are gene controlled. I’m sticking with that.
Especially agree with #6 – there’s nothing more creepy than 50 something women in miniskirts and high heels – unless they’re Sharon Stone or Demi Moore – and even then, it’s not a great choice.
I get tell you how many time I’ve been tempted to buy clothes where my granddaughter shops! Yes, I’m tiny. But that little voice of reason always stops me. But…one day, you never know.
These rules are great for any age!
This is a great post. Today I did a post on “10 reasons 31 is NOT the new 21,” and the sad thing is, I’m guilty of a couple of things on your list! Can’t wait to see how many of these rules I break making 50 the new 75!
Most excellent! Another good reason I switched to cross-dressing YEARS ago (and, no, not sans-a-belt style!)
Love it! Some great suggestions for sure. I seriously doubt I’ll follow even half of them to be honest. I will age as I’m suppose to naturally. I imagine that means I’ll be one ugly woman when I’m older. ;)
Beagle ears is a great description!
I chose face over ass years ago, with no regrets. And you definitely have the wisest Grammy I’ve ever heard of! Thanks for the fun-filled wisdom. :-)
But if I don’t show my vagina – can I still shop at Forever 21 every once in awhile?
Love it!! I am closer to 50 than I like to think about and I have curly hair. It’s vastly important that I remember your advice on mall hair!! :)
All I can say is, I love you! Thanks for making my day!
I always sit up straight or backwards so I can’t c what gravity has done
If you are older than dirt I must date back to the big bang! Oh you make me laugh!
Your Grammy was a very wise lady! LMAO!
Vikki, I don’t know how you do it . . . but you always make me smile. Keep writing and I’ll be returning for more!
OMG, you had me in stitches…but when I got to Granny’s advice, i fell off the couch, laughing!
Great tips – and all that I agree with! Thanks!
See! This is why I chose you as one of the blogs that makes me laugh the most! You had me at “mall hair”. I learned the benefits of sunscreen from my dear friend, Ellie – also a Clinique and now Estee Lauder gal. She learned from her mom who always said, ” Whatever you do to your face, do to your neck.” Words to live by.
#6 is too true but it breaks my heart that I can’t raid my daughter’s closet.
My daughter is constantly raiding my closet, so I guess I am hip enough, but I would never raid hers. For the most part she doesn’t wear anything too over the top, but still…as you said, I am old enough to know better. #10, that’s it, it’s all under the covers for me now. I don’t even want to know!
Sent over here by Michelle and so glad she sent me. I’m getting my hair done this week for reason #4 and I am guilty of #5. I’m 43, so does that mean I’m still okay for a little bit longer? I laughed out loud at sock puppets.
This is a fabulous list and I love the way you presented the handy information! I’ve often thought about that whole “woman on top” issue since my boobs turned into DDD saggy deflated water balloon thingies after breastfeeding 2 kids. Seriously DDD. That craziness is getting fixed with some surgery next summer. So I’m all for dimming the lights. After a little nip/tuck it may be a whole different story, though!
You are one sharp writer. Love your terminology. I am 75 and love it. Do anything I want without fancy clothes or any make-up. Never smoked cigs and have few wrinkles. Too heavy but my man says just more to love. Thanks for the tips.
I love these tips, especially from an expert. I especially love the one about sun. I’ve been wearing hats since my 40s. I got tired of explaining it was to protect my face from the sun and just gave in to everyone’s assumption that I just like hats.
Hilarious, as always. I know your humor is targeted at women but I find your posts the most consistently funny of all the blogs I read. Mrs Jones loves it too.
Good stuff! I just turned 40 and I see more and more gray hairs all the time. :)
Loved the one about the bra. So that’s a great reason for not losing weight. Got any beauty tips?
This is awesome. Everything you mentioned cracked me up, but the clothes references are the best.
“Woman on top” made my morning. I mean, MADE it!
I loved them all and especially #10. Thanks for making my morning but you got me thinking out what not to do!!! Can’t wait to share this post with my high school girlfriends, and we are in our 60’s.
I really, really enjoyed this…..I am happy that I already do 1, 3, 7, 8, and 10. I am never on top for just that reason. I am certainly not too thin. But I would like a great bra…and I would like to stop wearing baggy clothes. You really should send this everywhere. Get it published, if we like it everyone else will too.
I swear Vikki I never make it through one of your posts w/o snorting my coffee all over myself! Great job as usual!
Instead of checking myself out on top of a mirror, I’m going to continue to think that I am a delicious sex goddess who looks amazing no matter what position I’m in… ;-)
Love your list! While I am not quite 50 yet I think that your rules apply for the 40 something’s out there! Love your blog, your wisdom and wonderful sense of humour!
Great stuff. Thanks.
I’m sharing this list, I love the one about not wearing your daughter’s clothes too.. Mall hair, oh my, that was great and so true. I’m also hoping that the helmet head permed look is long gone as well, when discussing hairstyles.
Excellent advice. I finally threw away my last pair of mom jeans last month, especially since the snap would sink into my belly button and disappear for hours at a time. Love your writing – shared on Twitter!
I love these. I actually think I dress better at 64 than I did in my 50’s. Not trying so hard just accepting who I am. I especially love #10 – hadn’t thought of that one!