Statistics tells us that 53% of first marriages end in divorce. There’s a divorce in the United States every 36 seconds. And 41% of marriages involve one or both parties guilty of infidelity. That number is generally acknowledged to be conservative because…well, people lie.
What are we doing wrong? Has marriage become “going steady, with furniture”? Whenever we get bored or unhappy, do we just “break up” like middle-school tweeners and move on to newer, greener pastures at the local gym? Is it a nationwide epidemic of “Wedding Fever,” where the couple puts ridiculous amounts of time and money into the ceremony, but think the marriage should take care of itself? (Pay attention, Kardashian girls.)
It appears that no matter how much two people love each other, the odds of going the distance are not in their favor. We may never know all the reasons couples don’t last, but we do know some of the most common.
1. One of you saves; one of you spends. Financial problems are considered by many marital experts to be the Mac Daddy wrecking ball to lasting happiness as a couple. If Hubs thinks tracking the return on his investments is the most fun he has all day, but you insist that a cruise to the Bahamas with your besties is a quality-of-life issue, you two are headed for a smackdown. And if he uses the account you opened for three-year-old Bitsy’s college fund to buy an expensive fishing boat, hopefully he left enough money for his extended stay at the local Shilo Inn.
2. One of you wants it and one of you doesn’t. Yes, I’m talking about sex. If he’s chasing you down the hall every night, wearing nothing but a smile and a stiffy, and you’re more of a once-a-month-and-I’m-good type of woman, he might just give up and quit asking altogether. If you shimmy into a garter belt and push-up bra five nights a week, and all he wants to do is grab a beer and watch an hour or two of Pawn Shop before he hits the rack, eventually one of you is going to complain. Loudly.
3. One of you feels like you “married up.” While this may be kind of thrilling in the early stages, it’s demeaning to constantly feel like your spouse is “out of your league.” Maybe he has more education than you do. Maybe you come from a wealthy family and he doesn’t. Whichever partner is experiencing this insecurity tends to get defensive and on guard for little slights. He says, “I don’t think you’ll like this wine.” You hear, “You don’t know anything about fine wine. Here’s some ice. Make a spritzer.” Or you say, “I wish we could go to Italy, but it’s just not in the budget right now,” and he hears, “You can’t even make enough for a trip to Italy, you loser.” You’ll recognize these marriages when you see them. One of the spouses is always hurt or pissed off, and the other one just stands around looking confused.
4. Addiction problems. Whether it’s alcohol, gambling, drugs, shopping, or any other option from a long list of emotional and pharmaceutical possibilities, addictions can torpedo even the strongest marriages. It’s extremely difficult to feel the love for Hubs after he lost your house in a crap game during a weekend guys’ trip to Las Vegas. And his love for you may wane a tad when he begins to wonder if you’re doing the UPS guy, because he’s at your house every afternoon, smiling and bearing packages from your drunken midnight shopping binges on QVC.
5. Crazy families. He can’t stand your mother. You hate his kids. His mom passed away and his aging father (the groper) is moving in with you. Your sister hit on him at last year’s Christmas dinner, and she seems hell-bent on giving it another go this year. Families range from somewhat complicated to full-on freak shows, but we can’t break up with them. He may have to learn to smile as your mother uses every conversation to remind you that Howard, the doctor, would have been able to take you to Italy. And you need to send his kids’ birthday gifts. On time. With a card.
6. Best friends. Both parties often bring BFFs into the relationship. But if he doesn’t like Susie, your BFF since high school, and she’s over all the time, he’s going to start fencing off a Susie-free zone around the house perimeter. If his obnoxious college frat buddy regularly shows up unannounced, toting two six-packs and planting himself on the couch with Hubs, spending the rest of the evening in raucous drinking, watching the Big Game, and foraging through your refrigerator like Yogi and Boo Boo on crack, you might eventually end up moving to another state. Without the two of them.
7. Unrealistic expectations. This is more often seen in younger marriages. Young love is starry-eyed and all-consuming. The blissed out couple believes that their love is “special” and they’ll be this enthralled by the other person’s breathing every single day. Forever. When that heart-stopping intensity wears off (and we get back to Real Life, before we’re homeless, friendless, and unemployed), people often think the best part of their marriage is over. These couples constantly refer to their wedding as “the happiest day of their lives.” We can only assume from that comment that it’s all been downhill from there.
8. Cheating. There are thousands of books and articles on why people become cheaters. It’s exciting. It’s forbidden. You feel desirable again. To the “cheatee,” it doesn’t really matter why. It’s just matters that you did. Tired cliches like “I never meant to hurt you” are stupid and grounds for matrimonal murder in 38 states. And even worse, the proverbial “It didn’t mean anything.” So you’re saying that you sacrificed our marriage for something that was meaningless to you?? Wow. I’d rather you left me for your soul mate. That’s less insulting. Some marriages get through this one. Most don’t.
Now, go hug your spouse.
It’s scary when you can write something in such a lovely funny way and yet know that underneath there is more than a grain of good sensible advice! So many of these ring true and are hurdles along the merry marriage way – I’m still trying to work out who is the “reacher” and who is the “settler” (HIMYM reference) in our marriage!
Leanne, sometimes the best advice comes out funny! And my greatest source of what can go wrong came from my first two marriages. Ouch! :)
I like your blunt, no-nonsense tone! Everything you said is correct, also! Thank goodness my spouse is not a self-righteous fighter – we work on compromise every single day, and it has worked for 19+ years. Thanks for the laughs and the reminders!
Thanks, Joan! 19 years? You two are obviously making it work! :)
You are getting an amen from my neck of the Internet :-)
We have struggled but with none of these so I’m hopeful we will make it.
I’m rooting for you, Carla! I’ll be at your 50th wedding anniversary. :)
#7 is probably the biggest one for me……funny, but true and honest post, Vicki!
I agree, Claudia! That Phase 1 head rush is hard to give up. :)
This is the reason I waited to marry for the second time till I was 48. Divorced at 23 with 3 kids.
We went to counseling BEFORE the wedding and it made all of the difference.
Love that, Doreen! We spend years studying to becomes dental hygienists, mechanics. or bookkeepers, but we somehow think we can just walk into a lifetime of marriage with no instruction manual? :)
Nailed it, again! With humour! On my third, content, that is enough for me.
I’m with you, Carla! Married, fat, and happy. Took me a couple swift kicks at the can, but worth the wait! :)
Wow, hilariously written and bare bones truth at the same time. Thanks for sharing. I just hit the seven month divorce date of my second marriage with kids, this time, and while things are beginning to settle down for all of us, it’s still a long process to go through. But thanks for the laugh, I needed that, after all, I have twins who will be 15 in two weeks and start driving!
You’re welcome, Karen! Wow, divorce and teenagers drivers all in one year? Sending virtual hugs! :)
Love your honest – to the point – in your face truthful posts.
Having just celebrated 45 years of sometimes wedded bliss I can relate to many points
We always figured that marriage is an investment that you must pay attention to or it will crash like the New York Stock Exchange.
Congratulations, Barb! 45 years? I think we could all learn something from you two. (And you’re right, it IS an investment!) :)
Word! I know we aren’t supposed to comment in one word, but really. Word! girl. Preach that truth!
Carol, you crack me up! Glad you liked it! :)
Ugh, yes, the numbers are do depressing! I keep wondering when the numbers will change as this generation had so many divorced parents that maybe we will work harder to stay with our own spouses!
~Julia
I agree, Julia! But maybe they’re learning how to jump ship when the sea gets rough. Hmmm… :)
These are all valid reasons I have watched people use as an excuse for divorce. Granted, this is my second marriage (first one ended because of abuse) but after 45 years of pretty intense trauma in this marriage, we CHOSE to stay together. Making that choice means you will work at making it work – no matter what and realize the benefits for years to come.
Carol, I’m with you! Hubs and I are both on our third marriage. This time, we agreed “No back door. Nobody’s leaving. Get your butt back here and let’s work it out.” It’s been 16 years. :)
Lots of them are ringing true for family members who have tanked their marriages! Also seems like if you’ve been divorced once or twice, it’s easier to pull the plug again if things aren’t just what you want.
It does seem that way, doesn’t it, Jennifer? Sometimes I wonder what we’re teaching our kids! :)
Since you don’t want to marry a mirror of yourself, as that would be boring! I say try to find a way to take those rather annoying, negative things and use them to complement your relationship. Cheating would be a deal breaker for me, however, I would like to think that the rest of these could be worked through if both parties wanted to heal the relationship.
I agree, Ellen! I could work through almost anything, excluding cheating or abuse. But otherwise, get in there and make it work, people! :)
Yup. That pretty much covers it!
I’m on my second one, and I waited 18 years before going there — enough time to raise my son and build my life in peace. I didn’t want to risk disrupting my life or my son’s with a bad choice.
My new hubby was the same. He raised his girls first.
Does that make us cynical? Probably. But I’m glad we both waited and found each other as a result. A new relationship at this stage in life is a completely different experience. (We could teach those Kardashians a thing or two!).
T.O., you’re not cynical. You have “life experience”! And yes, a new relationship has much of the same intensity as in our youth, but with a little more realistic context. (Good Lord, haven’t the Kardashians learned ANYTHING yet??) :)
So funny…but so very true. This should be printed out and handed to every engaged couple! It might save a lot of wasted time.
Thanks, Rena! There’s a thought! I should send this to our local marriage counselor and see what she thinks! :)
I really like the message through humour. The reality is as many of us marry or commit for the second, third, fourth time, we take all our collected baggage with us.
PS in my experience his baggage is the problem, not mine :)
Fran, I’m with you. My first two divorces really weren’t my fault. Really, they weren’t. :)
Yup, these are all things that I know can be difficult in marriage! it is not easy to begin with, but I believe that most of the time, marriage is worth fighting for.
I agree, Becky! I think we bail much too early. Except for the cheating thing. Then you can’t get out fast enough. :)
Well said with a wry sense of humor! Two others come to mind…
9) Lack of common ground – Failing to be intentional about finding mutual areas of interest. One person’s passion should not trump the importance of shared activities. Our weekend explorations to nearby towns or bike paths have grown into a shared passion. Finding fresh opportunities to connect as a couple adds a new dimension to a marriage.
10) Disregarding the new family – Children need all the love that is available to them regardless of their family of origin. Discouraging relationships within new families, minimizing the special efforts your ex’s family members take on behalf of your mutual children only serve to make you look needlessly vindictive, to the detriment of the child. Be generous with your thanks to the other family, it’s a good role model for your children.
Successfully blended family, 27 years married next week and still wild about my partner (and our son).
Judith, 27 years? And still hot for Hubs? You should have an online webinar on making marriage work! :)
Excellent idea! And if you would join me, with your keen sense of humor, we might have a hit!
It’s so easy to just throw in the towel nowdays. I was almost a victim of this 2 years ago. We had drifted apart and he was having an emotional affair with intent for it to become physical. I found out about it, confronted and let’s fast forward to today. We are still together and working on making it for the long run. One thing I’ve learned with marriage is, despite that marriage license, nothing is guaranteed.
Great post!
Brenda, I admire your strength and courage to try again. We could all probably learn something from that! :)
On the nose as usual. I can point to a marriage breakup for each one of these. So hard to get it right.
I agree, Cassandra! It’s interesting to me that we must be trained and licensed to be hair stylists or auto mechanics, but any two people with a whim and checkbook can get married, no matter how many skills they lack at making relationships work! :)
Sage advice with a touch of humor – would expect nothing less! Wonderful job :-)
Thanks, Lynne! You know I love seeing you on Laugh Lines! :)
Only you could make a serious subject hilarious and truthful at the same time!
Thanks, Haralee! You’re too good to me! :)
Great post! Thankfully we’re still together after 18 years and it is hard work with ups and downs but all very worth it. Sharing this!