I was recently running a Google search for material on another post, and up popped a dropdown selection of ways to spice things up in ye’ ole marital bedroom.
Congenitally incapable of not going where I shouldn’t, I clicked on a few links. Three hours later, my cheeks hurt from laughing out loud at the visuals in my head, as I imagined Hubs’ responses, and I’d completely forgotten what I originally sat down to research. But whatever it was, this was way better.
I decided to share some of the best suggestions with you because, well, that’s the generous kind of person I am. Who knows? Maybe I can save a marriage or two. What can’t be resolved by a teenage style make-out session in the family SUV? You’re welcome.
1. Send him on a “Love Hunt.” Similar to a treasure hunt, but he must drive all over town, asking storeowners if they’re hiding something for him from his wife. Suggestions were the liquor store for his favorite beverage; the florist for their limited-edition “You’re My Hot Stuff” bouquet; and Safeway for a half-dozen “I Heart my Husband” balloons.
Yeah, no.
Hubs hates to run errands, and although I could probably sell him on the liquor store, I’m reasonably certain, after 15 years together, that flowers and balloons wouldn’t get him where I wanted him to go.
2. Sex up the bathtub. Light a couple dozen candles, draw a deep bubble bath, and pour the champagne. Get into the tub and call him with, “Babe, can you bring me a towel?” The theory is that he’ll take one look at you lounging naked and bubbly in the tub, backlit by the soft glow of the candlelight, and be diving in to join you before the water cools.
The one time I tried something similar (two candles, wine, and no bubbles), Hubs dashed down the hall with a towel, tossed it through the open bathroom door, with nary a glance, yelling “Gonzaga is up by 12!!” as he ran back to the living room to watch the game.
3. Take personal photos of your man so everyone can see what a stud he is. Suggestions included cowboy hat and boots, pajamas, briefs or boxers, and of course, nekkid.
Just…Wow.
My brain just can’t formulate an appropriate way to ask Hubs if I can photograph him in his birthday suit, wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and boots, so I can show everybody in my book club what a hunka-hunk I married.
4. Kidnap him. Walk in, unannounced, to his workplace, and hold a toy gun on him while you handcuff his wrists, and take him away for “secret interrogation.”
Oh. My. God.
Any visual of me walking onto Hubs’ job site and slapping handcuffs on him while carting him away for an obvious afternoon of motel room boogie ends with him being totally mortified, while the scene is embellished and replayed for weeks at every construction site in town. I’m not sure that making your man the laughingstock of his industry for the next year is the way to his…well, you know.
5. Share his favorite sport by initiating sex with him on the football field, the soccer field, or in the gym. Because nothing turns a man on like having his name in the local paper for public nudity and indecency after getting caught having sex in a public stadium by the high school marching band. All 42 members.
6. Give him you as a present. Cover yourself with sticky bows and let him take them off one by one.
Before we get started, who puts the bows on any area I can’t reach? I scrolled my speed dial list and couldn’t find a single person I’d be comfortable calling to ask if they would come over and slap red bows on my naked behind. As for Hubs peeling them off? Possibly the world’s worst Brazilian.
7. Send him to work with a balloon bouquet. Fill his car with balloons that have tiny “I love you” notes inside, and leave a pin with a note that says he has to pop all the balloons before he can get into his car.
Maybe I’m getting old, but this would just piss me off. Trying to get out the door to work and finding my car full of cutesy teenage-appropriate balloons that I had to pop and then clean up before I went to work would not be foreplay.
8. Take a walk in the rain, wearing nothing but your raincoat and rain boots.
Are you high??
Walking in the rain is one of those things that sounds more romantic than it really is. And the mental image of me, standing in the rain, shivering, with hair plastered to my head and water running down my face, flashing Hubs in nothing but rubber boots and 58-year-old boobs would pretty much guarantee never getting laid again.
9. Be Jane and Tarzan. Him in a loincloth and you in a leopard print bikini. Feed him by hand from a bowl of nuts, fruits, and berries while jungle drums play on your iPod.
Few things leave me speechless.
This might have worked in my 20s. But Midlife Jane, still trying to work the leopard thong, with body parts having migrated visibly southward and butt jiggling in time to the jungle drums, as I snuggle up to Hubs with a handful of berries, is more likely to send him screaming for an eye wash station.
At this point, I decided that the best way to find out what would fire Hubs up would be to ask him. “That’s easy,” he grinned, “Greet me at the door. Naked. Holding a beer and a sandwich.”
Notwithstanding the fact that, at 58, naked is not my best presentation, I can do that. What the hell. As long as it doesn’t involve balloons.
I can’t imagine ANY woman trying these maneuvers with a straight face. I’d pee my pants (if I were wearing any, of course) laughing – also not the greatest of turn-ons (unless you’re into golden showers). Thanks for the Monday morning laughs!
Roxanne, no pants? You little vixen, you! :)
Thanks for the laughs! you are hysterical!
You’re welcome, Lynne! I live to entertain! :)
HAHAHA these are hilarious. I’ve read lists like this one in Cosmo and similar magazines and i’m always rolling my eyes so hard they almost fall outta my head. I mean, seriously……
Thanks, Beth! I keep think SOMEBODY must have tried these before they wrote about them, but my brains says nooooooo. :)
LMAO!!! Oh my. . . I am still stuck on “Possibly the world’s worst Brazilian.” LOL! Ack. Yeah. I think I will just ask HIM what he wants. . . ;)
The idea of the labor intensity of the notes in balloons made me tired and cranky.
I can’t believe someone published these ideas sincerely thinking they would help stoke the marriage bed fires.
Why not just turn off the devices, cuddle up, and see what happens?
Laura, well, maybe they tried that and got nothin’. :) And I agree, those balloons would annoy the crap out of me!
Yes–are they HIGH??? Hilariously nuts, too.
Thanks, Carol! This was a fun one to write! :)
OMG! That is crazy shit. I can’t imagine doing any of these things with or for my hubby! I do have to say the marital rules I printed up was a huge hit and we both laugh about them all the time. He said something the other day and then he stopped and got this look on his face and I asked him “What” and he said “That’s on the list isn’t it. I need to study it some more!” After 24 years though it’s turn off the light and let’s get it done before halftime lol!
Rena, there’s something to be said for the Git ‘er Done approach, and after 24 years together, if it still works, YOU should be writing an article! :)
I actually did #4 once…about 25 year ago, sans handcuffs. I’m not into that shit. But, it didn’t work out well. So I quit *ahem* thinking outside the box.
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Barbara, when I was younger, I might have tried one or two (okay, maybe only one), but today? Not. Gonna. Happen. :)
Hi Vikki! I have to admit that the movie scene that came to mind while reading all your suggestions is that one with Kathy Bates wrapped in Saran Wrap in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes.” Some things are better not done right? But thanks for a good laugh this morning! ~Kathy
You’re welcome, Kathy! Gosh, I’d forgotten about that scene with Kathy Bates. HILARIOUS! :)
This is hilarious. Let’s face it, for most of us guys all the foreplay we need is, “D’ya wanna?” or for some (not me of course) “Did you take your pill?” Thanks for the laugh.
Bob, you crack me up!! :)
I’m going to ask my wife to kidnap me tonight; trouble is – and knowing her so well after 33 years of togetherness – she’ll probably get carried away and electrocute me via electrodes attached to my genitals, as well as removing my fingernails with a pair of pliers!
Gary, well, at least it will be something different, won’t it? :)
Oh, Vikki! Your No. 4 – Kidnap Him – had me laughing so hard I was crying! My hubby works at a downtown Armory where many of the National Guard come to train each week. While reading your marvelously funny post, I had visions of me storming into the Armory to kidnap hubs … and me being swarmed by the Guard (and no, there was nothing erotic about the swarming) – I’m the one who would end up in real cuffs and then be locked away at a federal prison for secret interrogation. LOL You’re the absolute best, Vikki! Thank you once again for the wonderful laugh!
You’re welcome, Marcia! Storming the Natl. Guard Armory?? Might be worth a try! But call me first. I want to be there! :)
Who writes this stuff?! I will never EVER forget an article I read in Cosmo (where I’ve been published, but let’s pretend that’s not relevant here) about sex tips– including eating a donut off of his junk. There are several problems I can immediately identify with this scenario.
Aussa, I may never eat another doughnut again. :)
OMG! Hilarious as usual. I want to know if people actually do this stuff, and after they do it, do their partners ever speak to them again?
Denise, I’m with you! Gives a whole new meaning to “Will you still respect me in the morning?” :)
As exciting as these all sound I prefer my men dimly lit!
Hallie, I know they would prefer ME that way! :)
Hallie, you know I mean MY men, not yours, right? :)
Too funny, the image of a 50+ couple doing any of these silly things is just too funny and makes me snort laugh. Thanks for the afternoon pick me up!
Thanks, Claudia! I love that I could make you snort-laugh. Made my day!
I think snort-laugh is said as “snark”!!! Heard this once and used it ever since… snark!
I starting laughing when I saw the picture, but continued to laugh my ass off until the end. Well done, once again, Vikki!
Thanks, my friend! Miss you!! :)
Seriously? I can’t even read them without falling off my chair laughing nevervmind do them.
Lisa, that’s exactly what happened to me! And hence, the post… :)
I wanted to immediately send this off to my sister and sister-in-law and various friends, but I can’t stop laughing! I’ll forward as soon as I calm down a bit. Unbelievably funny! Thank you!
Thanks, Ryma! You know exactly the right thing to say to a humor writer! :)
Going on a hunt all over the town? Yeah, right! I can barely get my guy to grab a soda out of the fridge. Thanks for the lolz Vikki!
Oh my god. These are so ridiculous. I can’t stand the lists in magazines because it assumes we’re all a size 0 and have nothing better to do than come up with elaborate sex schemes. But still, your sarcasm is hilarious!
Your hubby mentions food AND you naked? Mujer, you done good. ; ) Another #JUSOFONII post; BB2U.