In 2006, I turned 50. That was also the year menopause finally decided I’d had enough. But just when I thought my life might return to normal, my only child moved out.
As for birthdays, my favorite was 30. It sounded mature and sophisticated. Turning 40 was fun. I was still healthy and attractive (if you’re grading on a curve), and there was still time to do the things on my bucket list.
Then came 50.
50 kicked my ass. I gained 10 pounds in my sleep, and my new metabolism now meant I had to limit my food portions until dinner looked like gerbil food, and oh, join a gym asap. Awesome.
The menopause? It lasted for years, and Hubs started wearing fleece pj’s eight months out of the year, as I repeatedly ran through the house yelling, “IT’S TOO DAMN HOT IN HERE.” When I insisted we keep the bedroom window open year-round, he began to refer to our bedroom as “that meat locker we sleep in.”
But just as I was beginning to relinquish my youth and come to terms with the senior menu at the local Tacqueria, and the hot flashes began to subside, my only child moved out, having registered for college and enlisting in the National Guard, which included a year-long deployment to Iraq. I was intensely proud of him. I also cried for a week.
It’s not that I think that offspring should never leave the nest and get an adult life. That’s normal, healthy, and as it should be. But when you’re the mama being left behind, it’s life-altering. I had to come to terms with the fact that my life been irrevocably changed.
When my son was very young, I realized quickly that I was never going to be a “regular mom.” I don’t do macaroni art, I don’t have the patience for making Halloween costumes, and my bake sale goodies were always store-bought.
My job with my only offspring was less about making paper mache volcanoes on my dining table and more about keeping him safe and in his happy bubble as much as possible. My primary purpose was to stand between him and anything or anyone that could ever cause him pain.
Experts often say that we should let our kids experience disappointment, failure, frustration, and even a broken heart or two. They claim it teaches them compassion and empathy. I say those experts are idiots. This was my baby. I wasn’t about to sit back and watch some pony-tailed mean girl from the local high school do a tap dance on his heart, or do nothing while a bully, posing as a teacher, told my son he’d “never amount to much.” Not. Going. To. Happen.
Of course, protecting someone requires information that’s often extremely difficult to get. If you have teenage boys, you already know it’s virtually impossible to get a boy cub to dish about his real day. And the stuff they won’t tell you is exactly what you need to know.
One weekend while the young progeny was staying with friends, Hubs and I did a sweep of his bedroom. We needed information, and this was one very closed teenager. He told us nothing. So we decided to take a moment for some parental exploring in the great abyss known as a teenager’s bedroom. 45 minutes later, we’d found enough clues to piece together the path he was on and who the key players were.
The teen in question, big surprise, wasn’t wild about the “No Privacy” laws of the house. I assured him that he’d understand some day if he ever had a boy. (His son is now seven. I told him to call me in 10 years and we’ll walk him through the room sweep.)
Over the years, I’ve tossed out his phone because his friends on speed dial were iffy at best. I taught him how to extricate himself from a relationship without putting the girl in therapy. I helped write more letters and fill in more applications than his high school guidance counselor. I loved it. I felt needed and relevant.
Then he married a beautiful young woman and they became a family, with two small children. For months, I watched as he naturally found his own way as a husband, a father, and a military officer, while going to college full time. I was home, struggling with my changing relationship with my only child and wondering what my role would be. I vowed daily never to be one of those mothers that called her son every day or insist he call her weekly so she knows every detail of her grown child’s life. His life was now separate from mine, and I had no choice but to wait for my place to unfold.
Then one day, I got a call. “Mom, I need help with my college loan applications.” And then another, “The boy is acting out. What should we do?” And yet another, “Will you help me with my resume?” This pattern continued, and still does to this day. I felt like Sally Field, only I was shouting “They need me! They really, really need me!” I’ve become the Git ‘er Done mom, where they come when something needs to happen, preferably now. I’m thinking of ordering some business cards that say, “The Go-To Mom, For When You Want to Get Shit Done.”
I can live with that.
Oh, I can related to you 100%. My son went away to college for one semester, hated it, now he’s home commuting and couldn’t be happier. I feel like I was gifted with extra time (although he may as well be staying away at college because he’s, thankfully, so busy.) He’s my one and only, my baby, and everything you said registered.
I hope one day he’ll meet and marry a beautiful young lady, someone who understands him and makes his life a very happy one.
Good for you and your lovely post. I so enjoyed it.
So much here, but the thing that flashed neon was “gained 10 lbs in my sleep.” Oh, sister, I hear you!
I remember the day that my daughter moved out; she also took my oldest grandchild with her. I cried for every and tried to figure out what to do next. But those “I need your help Mom” calls are great! Lol
I have 2 sons, so I can totally identify with the teen boy stuff! It is rewarding to get those calls when they still need help. My sons, now ages 28 and 32 do call me and they ask for advice, without really calling it advice, and it’s very nice.
I will be 60 next year! Thinking everything will be just fine, but one never knows. I haven’t hit an age that was hard since 42, and that was due to marital issues.
Nothing makes me happier than getting a call from one of my 20- something sons, needing my wisdom. Yup, they think I know a thing or two.
Hey Vickki….you’re one amazing mum who is supportive without overdoing it…..wonderful. We could all take a leaf out of that book!
Love this! For sure 50 was the Big One on the speedbumps of life. I never imagined being this OLD! Oy! who knew?
The best is yet to come, I say optimistically…
The best is yet to come! Who knew we’d ever get to 50+? Oy!!
At whatever age, a mom’s work is never done.
So many familiar sentences in your post. I just turned 51 with 2 kids in college and one at home. Thank God for the vasectomy baby! Love the Jake to Kenny talk. You raised him well and must be very proud. Love your spirit!
That’s what my dad was to me always…I hope my Jake feels the same about me when he is your Jake’s age.
Yeah, that feeling of being needed…it’s the one thing that hasn’t changed as my kids have found their way in the world. And I wouldn’t trade it!
I never mind when my sons ask me for help. I love that my oldest has slayed his demons and lives on his own now, but I still love it when he needs me.
The day Jackie left, I took a valium and painted my office bright yellow… and still cried for a week. Hm. How we love our children. Thank you for the laugh. I still miss her.
Simultaneously, funny and moving – superb post. I can recognize the changing roles as our kids grow into adults.
Great post. I had the opposite. I couldn’t get my son to leave. He didn’t want to help out either. So I fixed his butt. I moved down South. Now he’s standing on his own two feet and has a family. It was horrible for a couple years because he was angry and bitter but finally he has awakened. Tough love really does work.
Vikki this post really got to me, especially since my first baby is turning 15 tomorrow! Even though I am knee deep in kids right now I’m going to do my best to enjoy it because I know I will miss it one day, very soon!! Thanks!
So nice to feel like you know something and your guidance and advice is appreciated.
Oh, I so needed to hear this, Vicki. My baby will be going to college in less than three years and I’m not anticipating it will go well for me. I want to be Go-To Mom, too!
Great business cards!
”The Go-To Mom, For When You Want to Get Shit Done.” – This is the most awesome motto! I hope my kids think of me like that when they are Jake’s age.
This one really hit home for me. I have only one son — he’s 14, and it is challenging to learn to deal with a teenager. Yet I know that he will be leaving the nest in a blink of an eye!
I think I gained 20 pounds in my sleep. Ugh. Fabulous post ! Thanks for the laughs!
Wait, you don’t think MY son will grow up and move out one day, do you? DO YOU???
My son turned 30 in November, is finally in a stable relationship, and is coming home for Christmas. I used to do bedroom sweeps to try to gather all the food based science experiments under his bed. Working at the high school, I knew all his friends but I would have anyway…they virtually lived at our house. I was very thankful.
As to the big M, the entire office went through menopause at the same time. We started calling flashes “5 minutes in Cabo”. (Thank you, Judy Richter.) Fun times.
At 65, I’m apparently gaining a pound a month, no matter if I eat celery and birdseed salad.
Joys to come, Vikki. No, really. Joys to come.
I hope I’m that mom someday! I love that business card motto. Perfect.
Sadly the day will come when they start treating you like you are the child and they are the parent. And you will find yourself rolling your eyes and sticking your tongue out at them (behind their backs of course)
I’m with Paula. My “boys” are in their 40’s now and the oldest one definitely trying to take on the parent role! But, yes, they both still call with questions and often just to say hello. I love it.
Love, love, love! And as for gaining 10 lbs in your sleep (or 20!) gotta put a positive spin on that….hmmm, let’s see – – “I’m so glad I gained 20 lbs because now I have renewed motivation to eat healthy,” said no woman ever!
Thank you for letting me know that eventually my almost 14yo will actually speak to me in more than monosyllables again. It gives me hope. ;)
I love your idea for business cards! Or at least put it below your name on greeting cards you send to your kids. Hmmm… I like it!
You are my hero for going before and showing me the way! Also, whether it feels like it or not, you are totally acing this!
Empty nest! Sigh, yes – we all know that feeling
Here from the Grand Social, and though my 2 eldest have left the nest I’m glad My Little One (21) has decided to come back. Guess she saw BB blobbering. ; ) Like always, enjoyed this sooooo relatable post. BB2U
Vikki,
I loved this. It’s not only humorous, it also pulls on the heartstrings especially for anyone who has raised a son. Great writing from an even greater Mom!
OMG – I turned 50 this year and your description is SPOT FRIGGIN ON! I’m going to borrow this & tape it to my husband’s forehead: “When she’s in her dark place, just hold out your arms and tell her to come to the light. If that doesn’t work immediately, save yourself and run.”
Ah awesome as always Vikki. I love your observations and your humour, I think you have a handle on things – Go-To Mom! I’m 42 with a 6yo and a 3yo … I’m now imagining menopause with teenage sons. It’ll be fine, right?!
Once in a fifty-something year I realized it was not a hair across my forehead, but a brand new little line that had come to stay. It can make you cranky until you realize being cranky won’t do your face any favors either. Yours however, is a happy, youthful face, lucky you. Nice post.
Happy Holidays! Love laughing with your blog! I’ve nominated you for the sunshine blog award:)
Please see post
http://www.musicteachingandparenting.com/2013/12/surviving-work-days-after-holidays.html
Maria
oopss…me again..here is the correct post. Happy New Year’s
http://www.musicteachingandparenting.com/2013/12/sunshine-award.html
Boy have we ever been on the same path! “Build it and they will come”. That’s how I have felt about those questions that begin coming. If you build that kind of relationship with a child (perhaps especially a boy), and then wait. The relationship will morph into something else – the questions and the connection will come. Great post!
50 was a shock for sure. So much changed.
I have 5 kids and I absolutely love those I need your help calls.
They are getting fewer and fewer so I am going to savor them.
It’s so lovely that your son calls on you as he does. Lovely.
The you mom and the me mom are alot alike! I suck at baking why bother, art yeah right but I could get shit done. Need your birth certificate in 2 hours for a job interview bam here is is, what do you do with a collicky baby bam hold your ears. I love this spot I am in right now. When your kids are teenagers they think you don’t know anything and then in their 20’s and 30’s they realize you know everything!
Still loving this but this time the meat locker line jumped out at me…. HAHA!