I remember the first time I was called “Ma’am.” I also remember finally being called “Grandma.” And I clearly remember when I exchanged showing my ID to order a drink with showing my ID for the senior discount.
But none of those moments made me feel as old as the first time I ventured out of a department store dressing room in a new dress and the 12-year-old salesclerk smiled brightly and chirped, “You look great! And you can wear it anywhere, because it’s, like, totally age appropriate.”
Age appropriate?? Listen up, Twinkie. I’m way too young to be worrying about “age appropriate” clothing. That’s for our mothers. Today’s grandmas still rock skinny jeans and stilettos. Toss me a pair of thigh-length Spanx and the tube dress on that mannequin over there, and I’ll show you how it’s done, Baby Girl.
But on the walk of shame back to my dressing room, I started thinking about longstanding fashion rules for women, many of which have been generally dismissed over the years as we collectively discovered that the world doesn’t actually care if we wear white after Labor Day or mix red and pink together in the same outfit. Rules were made to be broken, and female baby boomers are exploding fashion rules every day. Simply put, we know what we like and that’s what we wear.
Unfortunately, in our youth-obsessed society, with beauty pageants for six-year-old girls and college students getting tummy tucks, our definition of “age appropriate” has become a bit blurry. We start questioning our wardrobes, asking ourselves, “Is this too young for me?” Or we see another 50-something woman in a leopard print skirt and wince, thinking “I have that skirt. Do I look like that?” The rules have been tossed out, and now we’re no longer certain what works and what doesn’t after a certain age.
The good news? While there are no hard-and-fast rules, there are a few guidelines to help you navigate the landmine of dressing young when you’re…well, not. It’s easier than you think. Simply put, your clothes need to match your face. Avoid the following:
1. Cutsie Betty Boop, Hello Kitty, Mickey Mouse or general Disney attire. By 50, you need to look like a grownup.
2. Fad pieces that don’t work for your body. This would include rompers and low-rise sweatpants with “Juicy” emblazoned in neon across your butt.
3. Miniskirts. Unless you’re at a karaoke bar, belting out a rocking Tina Turner rendition of Proud Mary, miniskirts after 50 say “Hey Buddy, looking for a good time?”
4. Message t-shirts. “Still a Bad Ass,” and “Sexy Grandma” written across boobs that are now closer to your waist than your clavicles is just wrong.
5. Short-shorts. They looked trashy on Daisy Duke. And she was a 22-year-old gazelle. Don’t even think about it.
6. Plunging necklines. Our boobs are already plunging. Do we need to advertise it?
7. Jeans with rhinestones. Ditto rhinestone baseball caps. Or anything bedazzled. And that includes your vajayjay.
8. Extremely low-rise jeans. The color of your underwear, the fact that you don’t wear underwear, or the exact starting point of your butt crack should stay between you and whoever actually asks to see it. The rest of us prefer to simply speculate. Or not.
9. Stupid shoes. Thigh-high boots (outside of the bedroom), knee-high gladiator sandals, platform sneakers. What works for Madonna on stage can make the average 50-something boomer on the street look like a badly dressed transvestite.
10. Little-girl hair accessories. Cutsie barrettes, bows, and rhinestone headbands. If your three-year-old granddaughter wants it, give it to her. For keeps. (See #1).
11. Anything purchased at Forever 21. Or Claire’s. Or any store where the salesgirl uses “like” before every third word.
12. Too much sexy (yes, it’s possible). Despite what Hubs thinks, 4″ stilettos, a short skirt, and a strapless top, worn simultaneously (even if they all fit and you can walk in the shoes), makes you look slutty, not sexy.
13. Anything that looks better on your DIL than on you. If it requires perky boobs, flat, non-child-bearing abs, cellulite-free thighs, or triceps you could bounce a quarter from, and this no longer describes you, pass it along to the next generation.
14. Anything you’ve had in your closet for over 10 years. I know it was expensive and you love it. But in 10 years, styles evolve. Hopefully, so have you. Let it go.
Having said all that, I’m not a 24/7 fashionista. While I love getting “all done up,” as Hubs would say, I’m equally comfortable in the ubiquitous yoga pants and t-shirt ensemble that female boomers have adopted as the uniform of our generation, especially while living in a small town with a very relaxed fashion culture.
I was out running a few errands recently, so it was just a quick shower, some workout gear (more YMCA than Bali Fitness), no makeup, and out the door.
On the third stop, I ran into an old friend, all skinny jeans, bangles, full makeup, and gorgeous hair. I frantically tried to hide behind the zucchini counter, but no such luck. After air kisses and mutual exclamations of “It’s been SO long! You look GREAT!” she smiled, ever-so-sweetly, and said, “You know what I’ve always loved about you?” “Do tell,” I replied, instinctively sensing I wasn’t going to like what came next. “You’re so real,” she gushed, “You can get all dressed up and look fabulous, of course, but you’re just as comfortable going out like…” as she waved her hand in my general direction, “well…this.”
My mother always taught me to answer compliments with a simple and gracious “Thank you,” which I managed to choke out, but I kept thinking it was a good thing she didn’t see me last Thursday at Safeway in my jammies. I’d never leave home again.
I am all for wearing what we want when we want….that being said..I agree with everything on your list.
Although, my kids would prefer I stop wearing Doctor Who shirts. The fact that they CARE makes them impossible for me to give them up.
Michelle, you crack me up! I love that your rebel side is showing by not giving up what drives your kids nuts. Hubs insists on wearing plaid shorts in the summer that make our son roll his eyes and walk four steps in front of him at all times! :)
I haven’t shopped in pj’s – yet, but I’m often out and about in my slippers.
Shopping for clothes is the worst. I don’t want to look like a granny but does every pair of pants have to be glued to my legs from ankle to ass? Can’t I have a nice pair of khakis that are exactly like mens and appropriate for business casual?
Vanessa, I have a girlfriend that sounds just like you and she’s an LL Bean nut. She loves the female cut on what she calls “normal woman clothes”! Just a thought! :)
Your best point is that age-appropriate lines have blurred and not in a good way. And several decades ago soeone made that same comment to me, about “going out like this”…LOL
Carol, ouch! That’s right up there with “Is that what you’re wearing?” :)
I figure that at my age, I’m entitled to wear whatever the hell I want…but I agree with all your points here. Then again, even my daughter doesn’t dress like that. I do have one message t shirt, but it’s Rosie the Riveter, so I think that gets a pass.
I agree, Karen! Toss those rules. Rosie the Riveter is a CLASSIC. :)
I would say that all of your rules apply just as much to women in their forties (like myself). Really to any woman over 25.
You’re right, Cassandra, and I totally agree. I just didn’t want any angry 40-year-olds trolling my post! :)
I have always gone with jeans, t-shirts, blazers and track shoes. I watched my 82 year-old mother come out of her apartment the other day dressed exactly the same way. It’s genetic. Great piece – I’ll be sharing it later today!
Thanks, Donna! I love it when we find what works for ourselves. Takes so much pressure off. And I think I love your grandma! :)
Agree with Cassandra above. Haha. Great list. No more miniskirts for me. My husband thinks I’m crazy but I just can’t. And wtf was wrong with that salesgirl?! You never says age appropriate unless you’re the same age as the person you say it too. One point where I disagree though. If I’m still alive and kicking by the time my daughter has a baby, I’m so wearing a sexy grandma shirt. Haha.
Liz, I have an oversized “Hot Grandma” t-shirt that I sleep in sometimes. I think the “hot” was referring to menopause, but I’m choosing to think it meant “sexy!” :)
So relieved I only break one of the points you make and if it’s the only one I disagree with for myself. I wear short shorts but I’m blessed with the legs for it and I don’t wear them to church (don’t go) nor would I wear them to dinner with a sons’ significant others; dinner with my boyfriend’s business partners or family; dinner with someone who might want to hire me. And you would have to hold me down and torture me to get me to where Hello Kitty or jucy on my ass.
Laura, if you have the legs, go for it! The rest of us are just jealous. :)
All of these lingering questions are precisely why I just wear tees and jean capris…can’t go wrong there! I’d have been quivering in effort to hold back a response to the clerk! Hilarious post and right on!
Thanks, Stephanie! And that’s why God invented yoga pants. :)
And another thing: LOL Your “Friend” is the queen of the backhanded compliment and needs a blog post devoted to her and her ilk.
And “too much sexy” looks terrible on any woman unless she is a twenty-something porn star or in Vegas at a club.
Thanks, Laura! Isn’t it odd that we rarely see anyone when we look fabu, but look like you’ve cleaning out your garage? You run into EVERYBODY. Sigh… :)
Laughed my way through this entire post, Vikki while nodding my head yes, yes, yes to everything you wrote. It’s definitely sad when you reach the midlife age where you realize that you should no longer wear certain clothing – but acknowledge and practice it you must … because those who don’t just look plain silly and I seriously doubt that “silly” was the look they were going for. Thanks for explaining why so humorously, Vikki. I loved it!
Thanks, Marcia! Yes, it’s hard to let go of old favorite clothing pieces, until you see yourself in the mirror and you don’t recognize the silly woman looking back at you. Time to purge those closets! :)
This is hilarious Vikki and should be required reading for anyone over the age of 40. Unfortunately not everyone follows these rules and it gets SCARY!
Glad you liked it, Rena! So true about those pesky rules. They’re subjective. The proof is at Wal-Mart. :)
Oh, no. I’m in my early 50s, and I just bought a t-shirt that is bedazzled with the word “rebel” on it. I haven’t worn it yet. I could wrap it and have Santa give it to my 13 yo daughter. But I do stay away from many of the other faux pas, and have for decades. Even if I don’t agree with them all, I love your wit! Keep rockin’ your fabulous self.
Thanks, Karen! What do I know? Put on your rebel t-shirt and get on with your fabulous self! :)
LMAO I love this post and it’s soooo appropriate! ” low-rise sweatpants with “Juicy” emblazoned in neon across your butt.” Too damn funny! You know, I do believe that there age appropriate things, but not just for us “more mature” gals. These teeny boppers out there flaunting their goodies around doesn’t do anyone any good but the creepiest of the creepy men.
I agree, Brenda! What is UP with advertising your wares in bling across your boobs or your butt? I figure if you have to point it out, it must not be much! :)
So funny! My favorite: “Our boobs are already plunging. Do we need to advertise it?” HA!
Thanks, Darci! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines! :)
Sigh. Yes, to everything on your list. I so wish they’d bring Mom jeans back. I have noticed that you can now sort of tell a woman’s birth decade by her capris pants. I wish that style had stayed in fashion longer because I’m not giving mine up.
Suzanne, I agree! They’ll have to pry my 14 pairs of capris from my cold, dead hands! Some rules are meant to be broken. :)
All of the above.
With one addition:
Shorts and socks and sandals.
My husby’s choice of the stylin’ perfect holiday gear.
Need I say more? Sighs
Diane, you crack me up! As long as their not white socks with tan/black sandals! But then, my Hubs wears plaid shorts all. summer. long. Sigh… :)
You’re hilarious. I clicked on this from Midlife Boulevard and didn’t read until several hours later and forgot what the woman who wrote this looks like. I can see you in all of the don’ts. Err, I mean, you could rock a lot of them, anyone already that spunky (hair)doo’ed. And I have to say, for me these are guidelines, to which I agree for the most part, but I do see some women of our age being able to break them and pull it off. Enjoyable read. :)
Thanks, Leisha! Loved that you stopped by and commented! In the end, we should wear whatever we darn well please. :)
Yes, yes, yes!!! Thanks, Vikki, for the smiles. I work with a bunch of 20 & 30-somethings, I have a 40 year old son, and it is damned hard to figure out what is “age appropriate”. I totally agree that message t-shirts and too much boobage are not attractive on 50-something women, but for everything else, if you REALLY have the body for it (look at pictures of yourself – not in the mirror), wear whatever makes you feel good about yourself. Still have great legs? Wear a skirt that is 2″ above your knees. Tall and thin? Wear your skinny jeans. But please, please, please, leave the bedazzled everything to your granddaughters!
Thanks, Beverly! I especially love the jeans with the bedazzled backside. Yeah, THERE’S a place on my body that I want to draw attention to with flashing rhinestones! Okay, not so much… :)
Great column, Vikki!
There’s also the entire PINK wardrobe from Victoria’s Secret. I don’t know why they call the line PINK, nor do I want to know, but it should not be emblazoned across your buttocks if you’re over 40, no less 50 — especially while doing the elliptical trainer at the gym.
Linda, tell me you’re making that up! Of course, it’s IS Victoria’s Secret, and all their fit models are anorexic giraffes. Maybe THEY can wear “Pink”? :)
Oh Yes! You did not mention my current no no to some of my friends, the leggings with too short of a top! Unless you are jogging really fast, is running, put a long top on!
Yes, Haralee! When are women going to understand that leggings are not PANTS. Oy, the butts I’ve seen! :)
I really don’t give a rat’s ass about age appropriate. As long as my boobs and ass aren’t hanging out, I’m good. Haha.
Kim, you crack me up! Yep, as long as my privates are private, it’s all good! :)
Whenever I need a laugh, I head for your column–thanks!
I think low rise jeans are going out of style, thank God. Fashion, the good, the bad and the butt crack. Happy Turkey Day.
Oh yes! I can identify with this. Bought a new dress yesterday. It was probably designed with young women in mind, but I tried it on and decided – ignore the wrinkles, at least I don’t bulge out of it as so many young ones do now!
Vicki,
I have a pretty good radar system that tells me when I look like a clown and when I don’t. Now if I just had a radar that told me to care, I would be all set!
b+