At a housewarming party for a close friend last weekend, and while I was getting a glass of red at the wine bar, I met a woman in her 60s who introduced herself as a sex therapist. My writer brain instantly obliterated eighteen years of upbringing on the do’s and don’ts of social pleasantries (“Nice to meet you,” “How do you know the hostess?”), and I blurted out, “Cool! Can I interview you?” She graciously overlooked my enthusiastic gaffe in social etiquette and agreed to chat. We grabbed our wine and found a quiet corner.
When I asked her what issues were most prevalent with today’s couples, she immediately replied, “Diminished sex drive.” She stated that one of the most common complaints she gets from women over 50 is that their libidos have left the building, and apparently, have taken their luggage. Many Boomer women are frustrated with post-menopausal sex drives that have slipped into neutral. Quite frankly, we miss it and we want it back.
We’re aware that we could simply go to Walgreen’s and pick up something from the vast assortment of pills that promise to make us want to nail our husbands and every marginally attractive guy on the street, but even the non-prescription ones report the possibility of hair loss, weight gain, severe depression, facial tics, and strokes. Awesome. Now we’re ready, but hubby has moved to the couch. At his parents’. (And they live in Wyoming.)
She offered a few easy suggestions. Plan a sex night in advance. (For those of you who don’t find that particularly “romantic,” what do you think you were doing when you were dating? You scheduled the date and planned an intimate dinner, then spent the entire week thinking about what to wear and when best to shave your legs. It doesn’t get more planned than that.) Anticipation can be a powerful aphrodisiac. If you’re a wine drinker, drink red wine. Studies show that women who drink 1-2 glasses of red wine per day have increased sex drives (I love this woman). Have more sex. Just do it. Maybe you’re not totally feeling it at that moment, but sometimes mood follows foreplay. Women often report that once they get going, they find themselves thinking “I remember this. I like this. I like this a lot.” Simply put, good sex makes you want more of it. Oh, this was fun. We definitely needed more wine.
Settling back in after our refills, I learned the Big Secret.
There’s something specific that we can do to jack up our lackluster libidos and get them flying their freak flags again. We can strengthen our pelvic floors. Our vaginas have muscles that contract and relax. And like any muscle, they can get out of shape, especially after childbirth (imagine driving a school bus out of a garage built for a Mini Cooper) or menopause (it always comes back to menopause).
A fit vagina does several things:
- It increases your libido. A weak vagina is less sensitive than a strong one, and hence, less responsive. Who knew??
- You’ll have more, and better orgasms. Do we even need the rest of the list?
- It increases sexual confidence. “You want to try what?? Okay, let’s do it, Big Guy.”
- It increases stimulation for your partner. We love it when they’re happy.
- It reduces or eliminates urinary incontinence issues. Because Depends can never be discreet enough for yoga pants.
- It increases circulation and lubrication. We can toss that messy, sticky KY jelly.
- It reduces vaginal or pelvic pain during sex. Amen. “GET OFF ME” rarely leads to a satisfactory conclusion for either party.
- The health and well-being of your vagina makes the rest of your body healthier. Finally, motivation to work out every day.
- You can do your exercises at home. In private. Some things can’t be unseen.
- And if you’re really dedicated, you can teach your vagina to shoot ping pong balls and other objects out of your lady parts. This requires experience and practice. But it’s a impressive party trick, especially in front of any 20-somethings, with their pristine, but unnoteworthy lady muscles and their Uggs. Stand back, Daisy Dukes, and let the big girls show you how it’s done.
The concept is similar to traditional Kegel exercises. Contract, hold, release. Contract, hold, release. Keep repeating until your vajayjay gets tired or your mother-in-law walks into the room. But for this version of Kegels, you insert a small glass egg or a light weight up your chute, and Kegel that. Twenty reps a day. Clenching your vaginal muscles strongly enough to internally lift a weighted object works like bicep curls or tricep presses. It makes those muscles work harder and become stronger. My brain was saying, “Oh. My. God. I don’t think so.” But my libido was thinking “Actually, this could work.”
Since I don’t know any personal trainers in town who teach weightlifting for the vagina, I went back to my office and Googled it. Where have I been?? Maybe I’m the last person on the planet to know this, but I found a woman named Kim Anami who teaches “Vagina Kung Fu.” (You can’t make this stuff up.) For a mere $500, you’ll get an in-home, eight-week course where you’ll learn how to “open beer bottles and shoot ping pong balls through the air.” Hubby will never again need a bottle opener and will have bragging rights with all of his fishing buddies. And if your company hosts annual ping pong tournaments, head hunters will be fighting over you for three states in any direction. Upon graduation, you’ll not only be healthier and more amenable to sex, you’ll have the indisputably baddest-ass woo-hoo on the block.
But wait. It gets even better.
For the truly committed or the overachievers with a competitive streak, check out Tatyana Kozhevnikova, the Guinness world record holder in vaginal weight lifting. This woman can lift a 31 lb. weight. With. Her. Vajayjay. I’m dying to meet her husband. He must be extremely confident, because Ms. Kozhevnikova’s vagina is a formidable thing and would intimidate the hell out of any man with even the slightest insecurities.
So there you have it. An increased libido, better and more frequent sex, no more UPS guys delivering your monthly Depends auto-shipment, and the possibility of becoming a highly sought-after local party attraction. All of this can be yours in just two short months. I’m not sure how this will play out for the over-60 group (which includes me). I’m not even comfortable with low-rise jeans that show butt cracks. A 65-year-old woman projectile launching sports paraphernalia out of her lady bush might not be as hot as it sounds.
Maybe vaginal weightlifting could be a new competitive sport at the Olympics? Think of the possibilities…
You’re right, Roxanne! But the camera man may feel a little weird about the closeups! :)
I’m never going to look at the word kung fu the same again, Vikki! :-)
I’m with you, Paula! I can’t unsee this! :)
Gives new meaning to “ROFL!” All I can say is, I want to party with you and your friends! Bwahahaha!
Absolutely, Lee! We’re going to need a rooter bus, because this crowd keeps getting bigger (and more fun!). Maybe we can get a groupon for a class, with practice sessions at whoever has the biggest house. :)
I think this would scare the hell out of my husband.
That’s funny, Sharon! I think this would scare the hell out of MOST husbands, including mine! :)
I’m liking the 1-2 glasses of red wine daily ;-)
Me too, Lynne! I’ve been using that one for years! :)
I learned something new today! I will be sharing it with my girlfriends just as they take a sip of something. ” Ditch bookclub. Want to sign up for a course together? Vagina Kung Fu sound good?”
You crack me up, Haralee! I agree. Who needs a silly bookclub when we can learn to project ping pong balls out of our privates? :)
Yeah. Increased libido and better functioning lady parts?! Where do I sign?
(The whole Party Kitten Kamikaze stuff I promise to practice at home.)
Yep, Diane, I’m cashing in my IRA and signing up! This will tell me whether or not you really can teach an old broad new tricks! :)
Who knew? This is hilarious, Vikki. Thanks for the laugh. You made my day.
You’re welcome, Pat! Sometimes you just need a good laugh, and this whole idea had me cracking up for days! :)
I have never wanted to shoot a ping pong ball out of my vagina than I do right now.
Oh, Michelle, I just snorted Diet Coke out of my nose when I read your comment! Thanks for the laugh! :)
And whatever happened to Ben Wa balls? Several asian cultures have been keeping their vaginas in shape for centuries…. I bought some in the 80s but there they sit. I had to ask myself, hey, when was the last time I saw a man with a penis barbell? NEVER!
Too funny, Becky! I agree, the Ben Wa balls probably do the same type of thing as cylinder weights, but as far as the ability to projectile blow ping pong balls out of your vaj? That’s a whole different level of commitment. But I’m thinking, by age 60, that window of opportunity has probably been cosmically closed! :)
I cannot stop laughing! Of course, I would read this a week before my hysterectomy! When I’m done I want to shoot the ping pong balls!
I have total faith in your skills, Rena! But we’ll be needing to see the video… :)
After reading this blog, I spoke to my vagina and we are going to amp up the wine. Then I texted my trainer to get working on a whole new program for my vagina.
You are fabulous, Ellen! I’m thinking you should contact the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop people and get on the instructor list for Erma 2018. By then, you’ll be a pro! :)
This is hilarious! I don’t think my guy could handle it.
b
Thanks, Barbara! I have to admit, I laughed all the way through it! Sometime, truth really is stranger than fiction. :)
I’m not that keen on weightlifting. I was wondering of I could teach mine to dance instead as dancing is supposed to be good for fitness. ???? This really made me laugh!
Gilly, I think a little vajayay zumba would be more than sufficient to get those hard to reach muscles in tip top shape! I love that I made you laugh. You made my day! :)
Okay now I’m picturing bedroom baseball, the lady pitches and the guy bats. :P
OMG, Bob, that’s hilarious! The visual is now stuck in my head for days. She pops one out across the room and he “batter ups.” Bahahahaha!!
This was a good funny read- much needed!
Thanks Debra! Glad I could bring you a giggle! :)
Dear Vikki,
Thank you for bringing me to tears again and making me laugh out loud. My hubby just asked me, Are you reading Vikki? Remember, I read “Wine to Lunch” out loud for our 19 hour road trip.
Good sound advice within the comedy…..the Pelvic Floor has become the basement in too many of us. Kegel away and good things happen!
Thanks …… you are a gift.
Patti
Thank you, Patti! You’ve made my day! I have a visual of you and Hubby in the car, with you reading to him from my book. I never fails to make me smile. :)
LOL! Where do I even start?!
Let me start with brave Mr. Kozhevnikova because after hearing about his wife’s world records, I’m afraid his confidence may not be enough to prevent injury!
I appreciate you reminding us of the fact that while when we say “plan sex dates” isn’t romantic you’re so right, when we were younger it happened all the time!
Love your writing!
You made me spit tea on my shit and I’m glad it wasn’t red wine but I really want wine now.
Very funny and also really important topic.
And you can do kegals while you drink wine and read blog posts.
Shirt not shit, wtf.
You made me spit tea on my shirt and I’m glad it wasn’t red wine but I really want wine now.
Very funny and also really important topic.
And you can do kegals while you drink wine and read blog posts.
Doreen, you just made me laugh out loud so hard from your first comment, I scared my Chihuahua and he’s hiding under the bed until I pull myself together! :) Thanks for the morning laugh! :)
Exactly the hilarious inspiration we all need to get those muscles in shape (I think I need to google more often!). I’m liking yet another reason to drink a glass of red wine everyday. Heart health and vagina health, could we possibly need any more reason that that!