Like most people, I find myself occasionally taking stock of myself and my life, looking for things I could do better. To become a kinder, healthier, stronger, more financially stable, better educated, more loving wife, mother, and daughter. Whew.
Big job. Big.
Friends and family can (and often do) cheerfully point out that the majority of my self-improvement projects quickly torpedo into blog posts that chronicle my lack of success over the years to be the “best me I can be.”
Recently, I attended a workshop about “finding your inner Ghandi” or some zen-like thing and they had us write down our personal improvement challenges, in an effort to uncover the reasons we might be resistant to positive change. We were instructed to list our top dozen, and were given 30 minutes. I was done in 10. (I’m nothing if not self-aware.)
My Top 12 Self-Improvement Fails:
1. Eat more vegetables. “More” is misleading. It suggests I eat any. Never have. Never will. I hate all things green. For years, mom would bargain, “If you eat your broccoli, you can have a cookie.” What I heard was, “If you eat that nasty leafy thing, I’ll give you something wonderful.” After I moved out at 18, I said “Screw that. I’m going straight for the cookie.”
2. Work out daily. I’d love to. Workouts make me feel good. All those endorphins humming through your body. But I get up at 4 a.m. during the week, to write before work from 8 ’til 5, then write in the evenings and on weekends. Precious downtime is spent with Hubs over the bbq, friends around the table, and the wine poured. Fitness fanatics love to sniff, “We all have 24 hours in a day. It must not be a priority for you.” You’re right. Toned thighs are less important to me than family, friends, writing, or the job that pays my bills. I promise not to wear a bikini.
3. Say only nice things about other people. I try with this one. Really, I do. But the world is just too full of idiots to resist. We’ve got Boo Boo’s and Kardashians on the national news, mega-rich divorcing celebrities fighting over the family dog but shipping their kids off to boarding school, stupid criminals who stop to take showers at the home they just burgled, teenage pop stars with million-dollar homes and Serenity Lane on speed dial, superstar athletes who attempt to board planes with loaded weapons in their carry-ons, and on it goes. Some days you just want to shout, “WTF is WRONG with you people??” They say God isn’t dead…Just disappointed. Amen.
4. Save money every month. One of my favorite eCards says “I don’t want to spend money. But I want to buy stuff.” ‘Nuf said.
5. Take more care with my weekend appearance. Hubs has remarked (more than once…ouch) that I leave for work every morning looking all “done and fabulous,” but when I’m home with him, he gets yoga pants, Walmart t-shirts, and no make-up. Valid point. But all he has to do every morning is brush his teeth, rub wet fingers through his hair, slip on jeans and a t-shirt, and he’s out the door. Weekends are my break from the two-hour process of getting “done and fabulous.” I just tell him that at 58, five days on/two days off is a gift. You’re welcome.
6. Stop swearing. Yes, I know I should stop cursing. It’s not feminine and it can be offensive (although not to anyone in my social tribe. Apparently we were all raised by truck stop waitresses and drunk sailors). But sometimes an emotion just can’t be expressed any other way. A prim “I’m so pleased” just doesn’t resonate like a big smile and an “I’m all giddy and shit.” I’ll work on it.
7. Accept the things I cannot change. This is a tough one for Type A, controlling personalities. We tend to think that if you try hard enough, for long enough, you can fix anything. This may be true if you’re talking about a bicycle. But when you’re talking about a human, you might as well be trying to teach a fish to sprint. We can’t “fix” anyone else. We either love them or we don’t, exactly the way they are.
8. Face my fears. By 50+, they’re called “instincts.” I instinctively know that my avoidance of skydiving and bungee jumping is probably healthy and that not going downstairs when I hear a loud thud or a crash in the kitchen at 2 a.m. to “see what it is” is not necessarily the wrong decision.
9. Spend less time on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest, and more time in the real world. I want to. Really, I do. But all my cool friends live in Facebook-land, so I go and hang out with them whenever I can. God, I’m pathetic.
10. Learn moderation. Not. Gonna. Happen. I’m just not a moderation kind of woman. Moderation is for wussies with no passion for what they’re doing. I never want a headstone that says, “Here Lies Vikki. She Lived Her Life in Moderation. She Was Also the Most Boring Person on the Planet.” I’ve instructed Hubs to inscribe, “Here Lies Vikki. She Was Crazy, But Damn, She Was FUN.”
11. Be less judgmental about myself. Be kinder, less critical to me. I’m learning that with most things in life, it’s okay to fail. It’s only not okay to quit trying. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about self-talk (Today, I Fired my BFF). I’m a work in progress on this one.
12. Quit drinking. A friend who’s lived through every detail of my diet struggles over the years suggested that if I quit drinking wine, I’d cut out a buttload (pun intended) of empty calories and probably knock off those last 10 pounds I’ve been fighting since 1982. I pondered this for a moment, and I could only respond “BAHAHAHAHA!!!”
My beloved Cabernet understands me.
Oh God. I fail on all counts. Now you’ve made me feel insecure on a Monday morning. Naah, not really. I’m a work in progress, right?
Carol, I’m learning to let it go. “Old dog, new tricks” philosophy! :)
Well, I’m happy to know that I’m in good company on so many of these. It’s a question of deciding what’s important – and we are the only person who can make that call. Ben Franklin wrote in his Autobiography about his attempt to achieve moral perfection through a very logical and carefully crafted plan. In the end, he did not succeed. But he did find himself better for the experience and satisfied with that version of himself as a work in progress. I think that’s a smart guy.
I agree, Lisa! Sometimes I have to remind myself that I get to choose my own priorities (and Good Lord, there’s only so many hours in a day, right?) :)
Your Blog just makes me all giddy and shit!! My Monday Motivation, not to sweat the small stuff!
Thanks, Cate! Now THAT’S a compliment! :)
“Apparently we were all raised by truck stop waitresses and drunk sailors”….ahahahahaha! F*ckin A. Actually, my father WAS a sailor, and I could cuss circles around him.
Love this one, Vikki–as always! :)
Thanks, Karen! If our parents actually knew what we learned from them! :)
This OLD DOG is waaaaay too old to learn new tricks. And yes I already wrote my inscription on the Mason jar that shall hold my ashes. Type A’s are tough to change Vikki.
I’m with you, Barb! We’re too stubborn (and ornery) to change now! :)
I am trying to live by the 80-20 rule. Being a good person 20% of the time is really exhausting.
Laura, yep, that’s about my limit too! :)
I could write this same list of things to personally improve on – but I certainly couldn’t do it with nearly as much humor as you did, dear Vikki! Not only did you make me laugh at my list of shortcomings via yours, you made we say, “Yeah! So there! Here’s why I’m not changing my ways!” out loud. Thank you! I feel much better about my unimproved self today because of your excellent post! :D
Thanks, Marcia! We must stick together, so our failings seem less personal. It’s a group thing! :)
I look forward to these posts every week. I love starting my Monday’s off wiping sweet tea off of my computer screen!
Rena, that’s the nicest thing you could say to a humor writer! Thank you! :)
Vikki, I think if we all just amend #7 to read “Accept the things I CHOOSE not to change,” we can give up feeling bad about stuff we really don’t want to boot out of our lives. Empowerment and all that s**t, ya know?
Roxanne, you’re right! I COULD change it. I just don’t WANT to! :)
And I thought I was the only respectable looking woman with the truck driving mouth!
It’s hard to keep it in when my husband hits the floor or lands unceremoniously on his butt. I have to give myself some sort of handicap. High startle reflex will explain this one. So WTF. Or a controlled reply would be: Honey you can’t chase the dog because he has your slipper in his mouth! Here let me help you up. Did I mention the PSP Elephant I. The house? Oh. Well we have that. Morning coffee done. I’ll just sip it cold!
Hallie, “high-startle reflex.” Bahahahaha! May have to borrow that one with Hubs! :)
Hey it’s not to have goals Vikki. I’m always a work in progress!
Nancy, I’m going to die of old age, still in progress! :)
Yep – all giddy and shit over here! So that’s how you manage to do it. You get up at 4:00. Good on you. I shan’t stop drinking the wine. I shall get up earlier. Let’s see how I manage with that. And yes, I need to work on #9 a weensy bit myself …
Kelly, yes, get up early but hang on to the wine! :)
I couldn’t agree more! Although, I do like veggies…but could never be vegan! Everything in moderations…except maybe wine. Great list!
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Thanks, Barbara! Definitely except the wine! :)
These are all important, but especially #10 and #11. Great post!
Thanks, Karama! Loved that you stopped by and commented! :)
Maybe you should just pick three. Not the drinking one, though. Or the swearing one.
Michelle, I could be selective, but I’m crashing and burning at all of them anyway, so it probably won’t make much difference! :)
Vikki, I am with you on everything but Facebook. There are WAY TOO MANY people who feel the need to share every 15 seconds, on EVERYTHING, from the photos of their healthy meals to their perfect lives, etc. I gave it up 8 months ago, and yet I still know everything important about all the important people in my life. We text a lot, and we talk fairly often.
Thank you so much for your posts! They make my Mondays so much better, and I find myself quoting you very often!
Thanks, Beverly! I love that I can help improve your Mondays! :)
Laughter is the best medicine and manages to solve whatever perceived shortcomings we have. Keep laughing!
I agree, Nora! When all else fails, laugh! :)
I am with you, who wants to be so righteous! That said I did fix one of my self improvements. I noticed my language was becoming very salty and worked on fixing that. Now I hear myself say Oh My, or Mercy, or Mother Mary and Joseph, (Odd because I am Jewish but the point is made) or Holy Cow, or freakin.Sometimes I am surprised these words come out of my mouth!
I know, Haralee! Sometimes I surprise myself. Oops! :)
hysterical – as usual!
Thanks, Lynne!
For years I’ve tried to improve on self-improvement! Now, at 50 something, I’ve learned most of it is bullshit! Just do what you wanna do. If it feels good, do it! Even if it’s in moderation – it’s better than not doing. Still working on not being a wussie and I will never give up wine or chocolate!! Lol
I’m with you, Laurie! Wine and chocolate…They’ll bury with both in my hand! :)
You saved me a ton of work- I’m on board with at least 75% of the list. I feel like I’m a better person for having read this. win win!
Mandelynn, I like things that improve me by just reading them, don’t you? Great to see you on Laugh Lines! :)
I love your Cabernet and the way it loves you back. This post totally hit home, Vikki!! A little TOO close to home!
Thanks so much, Teri! And thank you for the great shout-out on FB and Twitter!!
I like your list of self improvement things, I work on the same things too. I don’t think I’ll ever have them mastered, as long as I’m mindful of them I’ve decided to feel accomplished.
I’m with you! Intent is everything! :)
#9. I’d like to attempt it. Baby steps. Quit drinking…hmm…I’ll have to get back to you on that one. lol
I agree, Linda. Baby steps. That’s why “Quit drinking” came last! :)
I haven’t been here in a while and I miss it. Love this list! I remember when I was in college, I made a resolution that I was going to eat one piece of fruit a week. I love veggies, but I don’t love fruit unless its in season…right off the tree or the vine. So I was cracking up reading this. :) But a lot of these I can definitely relate to!
And I’ve missed you, Michelle! Welcome back, and I’m glad you enjoyed the post! :)
My favourite is No 6. You’re so right. It’s really strange, what happens when you hit 40. I mean I was never swearing before (well almost), and now there is no sentence coming out without F@#$% or sh*t in it. Very liberating though:)
YES! This is so me, especially the last one. I’d rather have jiggly legs than give up drinking. I mean, they’re not THAT jiggly are they? *wobble, wobble* Meh, let’s have some more wine and forget about it :)
Re. number 10…..thought you might like a saying my uncle has (who is not a moderate person in the way he leads his life)…….”Life is too short to be moderate”