So you’ve met her. Maybe she works in your office. Maybe you bumped into her in the produce department at your local grocery store. Or maybe she runs the same route that you do every morning through the park. But you can’t stop thinking about her.
It doesn’t matter that you’re married. What starts out as a “harmless” flirtation has now become perilously close to The Line, and you’ve spent hours rationalizing how you’re going to cross it without feeling guilty, or more importantly, without getting caught. You love your wife. You really do. And you don’t want to hurt her or leave her. But this girl is just so hot, and she wants you. What’s a guy to do?
Well, if you truly don’t want to hurt your wife and end up going through one of those relationship-imploding “I don’t know why. It just happened” discussions, rule #1 is Don’t Get Caught. For those of you not experienced in this field, here are some helpful tips:
1. Find a woman with the same name as your spouse. This helps ensure that you don’t blurt out “Yes, Tiffany, yes” the next time you’re in bed with your wife, Brenda.
2. Buy two of every piece of jewelry you buy for Tiffy. Expensive, yes. But that way, when your wife finds a jewelry receipt, it will be for something you actually gave her.
3. Never tell your wife you’re “working late.” Many marriages have imploded because a loving wife went to Hubs’ office to surprise him with dinner, only to discover he’d left hours ago. With Tiffy. Much better to say “I got a flat tire and while I was changing it, I was attacked by a pack of pissed off raccoons.” This will explain your tardiness and disheveled appearance, and it’s virtually impossible to disprove. Of course, with only four tires on your car, this scenario has a limited life span, so you’ll need to map out some other plausible lies. Are we having fun yet?
4. “Going to the gym” is a good one, but can only be used if you actually look like you’ve worked out in the last 15 years. If your man boobs are hanging down to your beer gut, she won’t buy it. You’ll also need to remember to take your workout clothes and rub them over a sweaty homeless guy so they look and smell appropriately rank.
5. Get adept at car sex to avoid a leaving a paper trail to any local hotel, or to avoid being seen by someone who knows Wifey. I know, the last time you tried this, you threw your back out and pulled a hamstring, but she was worth it, right?
6. Pick hotels that you know, with absolute certainty, no one in your social circle ever frequents, ever. This reduces the possibility of anyone you’ve ever met seeing you and Tiffy canoodling in the bar. You might want to consider a hotel in Botswana, but go ahead and play the odds. Maybe you’ll get lucky.
7. Buy a second cell phone that looks exactly like the one you already have, and keep the new, Tiffy phone with you at all times. Leave the old phone lying around. Even if Wifey gets suspicious, when she checks the call log or text messages, she won’t find anything. “But the phone is $400,” you say, “with an additional monthly fee.” Stop whining. It’s cheaper than the divorce settlement.
8. Learn how to freeze or turn back the odometer on your car. Taking Tiffy to the beach for the weekend, when the beach is 500 miles away, is going to be hard to hide. Don’t worry about the illegality issue. Better angry DMV workers than a betrayed spouse.
9. Have a posse in place to cover for you on inevitable nights Wifey calls looking for you while you’re out doing the freaky with Tiffy. Be extremely careful about whom you select. In many marriages, spouses tell each other everything, so Posse Guy may very well tell his wife (of course swearing her to secrecy). But once another woman knows, the clock starts ticking. Don’t worry too much, though. She probably won’t tell anyone else. Really, she won’t.
10. Buy Tiffy the same fragrance Wifey wears. Tiffy doesn’t need to know, and you won’t come home at midnight smelling like the tool you actually are. Ditto with lipstick. It might be difficult getting Tiffy to wear the same fragrance or lipstick as Wifey, especially if they don’t look anything alike and have completely different preferences, but I’m sure she’ll understand. Go ahead. Ask her.
11. If Wifey ever becomes suspicious and confronts you, learn to deflect by pushing a hot button. “Seriously?? You sound just like your mother when you get like this.” This usually sets off a big ol’ fight that will take her mind off of her original question. Sure, it tanks the evening, but Tiffy can make it all better later, right?
12. Make cue cards to record your lies, and practice, practice, practice until they become “true” and you can keep them all straight. It also helps if you practice appropriate facial expressions while lying. You’ll need to be able to lie without looking shifty or guilty. Yes, this takes a lot of work, but it’s necessary if you don’t want to trip yourself up.
13. Learn to sleep with one eye open. Watch Tiffy carefully for signs of a latent bunny burner. Many men have had their wienies whacked off, been backed over by SUVs, or summarily shot by mistresses who finally realized they would never becomes wives.
And there you have it. Hope this helps. Then again, maybe you should just stop behaving like a 14-year-old bad-ass and go kiss your wife while she still loves you.