A few weeks ago, Hubs announced that after almost 30 years as a contractor, he was thinking about changing careers because he’d “really like to do something else.”
I replied, ever-so-gently, that given his linear job experience, I couldn’t imagine what he would suddenly do that would help pay the bills. We were simply too old for entry-level incomes. He suggested a Google search.
We quickly discovered that huge numbers of men are responding to their midlife crises with abrupt and dramatic career changes. Apparently male boomers are waking up in droves every morning and realizing that if they’re ever going to pearl dive in the deep blue sea, it has to be now.
Great plan if you’ve got a buttload of money in the bank to support your new zen state. If not, like most of us still in our 50s, your bliss needs to produce an income. But if you’re willing to get a bit creative, it is possible to make a living while realigning your inner feng shui.
For those of you hankering to quit your job and live the dream, while still making your mortgage payment, here are some suggestions you probably won’t find in the Sunday Classifieds:
1. Shark Tank Cleaner. Yes, the sharks are in the tank at the time, so this one requires good reflexes and eyes in the back of your head. And forget life insurance from any recognized agency. But it pays really well. They only require that you record your next-of-kin so they know where to send the check.
2. Roadkill Cleaner. The picture in your head right now? Yeah, that. Well somebody has got to get that dead armadillo off the road.
3. Chicken Sexer. No, we’re not tarting the little fluff balls up in tiny thigh-highs. This process simply consists of upending the baby chicks to check for a willy, then segregating them like Amish preschoolers to separate sides of the room.
4. Breath Odor Evaluator. Not for weak stomachs. Odor evaluators smell nasty morning breath or breath after strong scents, like coffee or garlic, rating them from one to nine. Then you test odor-reducing products like mints, gum, or mouthwash by smelling the breath again after use and recording a new rating. All. Day. Long.
5. Flatulence Smell-Reduction Underwear Designer. If you’ve ever dreamed of a career in fashion design, this one’s for you. You help create underwear that protects against human gas, for use by people with gastrointestinal problems. The underwear is made with materials and filters to help conceal hydrogen sulfide gases (or farts, as we commonly know them). I’d so love to be there the next time someone asks you, “And what do you do?”
6. Stunt Tester. Shows like “Fear Factor” put contestants through gross and often dangerous exercises. The stunt tester does the preliminary dry runs to make sure the stunts are safe, to avoid expensive litigation when the contestants meet their untimely and premature demise while zip lining across the rainforest while naked.
7. Dog Sniffer. It seems we do love to sniff things. Once a week, you analyze the odor of a dog’s breath to test the effect of their diet on their teeth. Breath is rated and categorized as sweaty, salty, musty, fungal, or decaying. I have two Chihuahuas. I do this every day.
8. Mattress Jumper. Yep, you can get paid for jumping up and down like a toddler on Mom and Dad’s bed for hours on end. Although the pros tell us it’s not as easy or fun as it sounds. They claim it’s “really hard work, with a right way and a wrong way to do it.” The article continued, “We’re not going for the big ‘boing’ or somersaults in the air. This is not a game.” Well, way to suck the fun out of that activity.
9. Snuggler. They provide private snuggling sessions to pensioners, war veterans, or people “between relationships.” They claim that it doesn’t include sex and no touching of unclothed areas is allowed. One professional snuggler reports up to 30 clients per week. $60 an hour for, basically, a really long hug. This one could be worth some thought.
10. Urine Farmer. Hunters often use deer urine to attract their prey. (Yeah, this is news to me too.) But where do they get the magic “What’s up, big boy?” liquid? From professional urine farmers. Like vineyards, timing the harvest is the key. One pro stated, “It ain’t rocket science. You put a buck in there. When he starts riding the doe, you just wait. When they’re done, you collect their urine.” Oh, hell no.
11. Presidential Poison Taster. Not just for the ancient Egyptians and the Romans. Vladimir Putin reportedly uses several, and George Bush used two former FBI agents to taste his food during a trip to London. The key is to find a politician who packs a list of people probably wanting to arsenic his food and then offer yourself up to go first. I’m thinking the field’s wide open on this one.
12. Golf Ball Diver. If you like golf and diving, this could be your dream job. Yes, the water is cold, dark, and nasty, and there are snapping turtles, water moccasins, and even the occasional alligator. But golf ball divers claim that a bad day of golf is better than a good day at the office. I’m not telling Hubs about this one.
13. Zoo Animal Artificial Inseminator. Just what it sounds like. Although I’m not sure how you get the female rhinoceros to roll over and let you insert a giant turkey baster into her woo-hoo, but it’s probably easier than getting Bubba’s love juice in the first place.
14. Stand-in Bridesmaid. For those annoying times when Bridezilla doesn’t have any friends left. It seems money can buy a stranger to wear a poofy-sleeved, lime green taffeta dress and do the Chicken Dance in public. Just don’t count on her to make the toast.
15. Fortune Cookie Writer. Don’t laugh. This will probably be the pinnacle of my writing career. One successful fortune writer put an advertisement out after months of writers block and recycling of old material on his blog. He was hired by a company he now helps run. If it can happen to him…
You’re welcome, and good luck!
These are too funny. But true. There are so many jobs we don’t know about. My son-in-law describes photos that appear on the screen for an app servicing blind people. You never know what you’ll find until you look!
Janie, we had a ball finding these! As my mother used to say, “A seat for every butt.” :)
I want to see your Google search terms for these!
Carol, we started out looking for “unique jobs” and it just kind of snowballed! And I even left out the porno ones! :)
Ok. I am not sharing this list with my hubby because there are far too many new career choices on this outrageously funny list that would probably appeal to him – seriously. And oh how it pains me to admit that! Thank you, Vikki … but we’ll keep this one secret. :D
You’re welcome, Marcia! Yeah, Hubs still doesn’t know about the golf ball diver job. He never reads my blog, so ssshhh… :)
Hahaha! I think the ONLY one I would consider would be the SNUGGLER but I’d still be pretty picky about who I’d snuggle with–and think about it, if someone had to pay to get snuggled there is probably a big reason for it. Suggest your husband become a blogger…after all there is SO much money it!
Kathy, yeah, he’s seen the millions that I’ve raked in from my blog… :) The Snuggler looked interesting, but I’d need to interview the customers first! :)
This is a great list for anyone wanting to change careers! Seems one of my nieces in Montana dated a deer road kill guy. I think Dexter had a victim in that profession too. Now on the fortune cookie writer, I made fortune cookies that let me tell you were a pain and finger tip burning experience. I put in fortunes I made up that gave a good fortune and also said either ‘Now give Haralee a complement’ or ‘You should buy Haralee a gift’. It was a joke because I didn’t tell anyone I made the cookies. I served them to some friends and they laughed and complemented. Served them to hub’s sibs and not one laugh!
Haralee, I love the idea of stuffing fortune cookies with requests for hugs (and a glass of wine)! I’d have to buy them ready made and replace the silly ones that come with, but it’s a great idea! :)
Vikki, this is some interesting food for thought. I only wish I hadn’t read your blog post while eating lunch…some of these are not very appetizing!
Julie, I probably lost you on the Road Kill Cleaner, yes? Next time, I’ll put up a warning sign! :)
My hubby is fixing his resume as we speak!
Rena, let us know which one he finally settles on! Hubs is polishing his golf ball finder as we speak! :)
Wow Vikki – that’s quite a list! Which one is he leaning towards?
Liv, I lost him on the word “golf.” I’m thinking of Googling where to buy alligator repellent. We’re probably going to need it! :)
Maybe your hubs should look into an alligator suit as well, I would think they are less likely to attack their own except during mating season. The thought of mating season might just sour him on the idea. FYI, in our neck of the woods anyone can get a road kill pickup license. People do this for free here and feed it to their exotic animals, think big kitties. Yah, it’s a thing, just not my thing. Very funny post.
It’s no good. I can’t decide between Snuggler or Stand in Bridesmaid. Not that I’m taking any of your career advice seriously, of course …
True story. Several of my co-workers missed my baby shower because they were trying to inseminate an elephant. I work at a zoo, if that makes the situation any less creepy. It’s not an easy job, and not for the faint of heart. I have all kinds of bizarre animal insemination stories and trivia I’ll tell you over coffee sometime.
When you get #5 through the development phase, please call me immediately! We definitely need this in our house. Preferably in time for Taco Tuesday.
Interesting how most of them have to do with analyzing body emissions!! I think I’ll hang on to my current day job!! :D