A few days ago, during yet another frustrating computer malfunction, I called Dell’s “Award-Winning Service Department” and got Akbar in Sri Lanka, eager to try out his new online diploma in English-as-a-9th-language. He announced that before we could proceed with my questions, he needed to access my account. We spent the next 20 minutes trying to spell Claflin (“C as in cat. No, not bat. L, I, F. No, not S. F as in Frank. Another I, N as in Nancy. Not M. N” Repeat nine times). By the time I was ready to slam my head into the wall, he sighed and said, “Well, it seems your warranty has expired, so I’ll need your credit card. It’s 40 bucks to talk to our Tech department.” “But what if they can’t help me?” I asked. “Then there’s no additional charge,” he replied. “But the $40 is just to transfer the call.”
Some days you just want to smack someone.
Having taught classes in customer service during the late 70s and early 80s, I admit that my bar is probably unrealistic, especially when the Customer Service department is located in another country or in stores where the merchandise is displayed in shrink-wrapped boxes stacked six deep on wooden pallets. And I’m not asking for a personal shopper to greet me at the door with champagne and chocolates (although it’s a hell of a marketing idea). But I’m constantly amazed at how often rudeness, apathy, or ignorance appear to be part of the job description for customer service positions.
Over the years, I’ve mentally collected a few particularly outstanding, cringe-worthy customer service fails, forever seared into my brain as the “best of the worst” responses I’ve heard.
1. Me: “Do you carry the Magic Bra Genie that fits every woman, regardless of bra size?” Salesclerk (continuing to fold a huge pile of sweaters and pointing to a vague geographical region in a 150,000 square foot store), “I’m not sure. But if we had it, it would be over there.”
2. Me: “Do you carry these jeans?” Salesclerk: “Their not really in style anymore, so no, we don’t. Have you tried Goodwill?” Yeah, that’s always my first choice when I’m looking for new clothes.
3. After spending 30 minutes with the Help Desk, and never fixing the problem. “Is there anything else we can do for you?” Anything else?? You haven’t done anything yet.
4. Me: “I’m looking for this lipstick in “Hey, Sailor Red.” Saleswoman: “Oh, we get asked for that all the time, but we don’t carry it.” Why??
5. Me: “I’d like this skirt in a size 8.” Saleswoman: “Really, sweetie? You look more like a 12. But we don’t go that big, so do you still want to try the 8?” While I’m deciding, lean in a little closer so I can slap you.
6. Me: “May I get the check, please?” Server: “Here you go. And I applied your senior discount.” So you just assumed I was a senior, since you’re like, what, 12?? Here’s your tip: Ask next time.
7. Me: “I love this dress. What do you think?” Saleswoman: “You could totally wear that. You just need some Spanx to smooth out those bumps.” You mean I could rock this if I didn’t have those unfortunate butt lumps and belly fat? Yeah, let’s just girdle the crap out of those areas. I feel sexy now.
8. Me: “How’s the linguini here?” Server: “I don’t know. I’ve never had it, because I don’t personally like the way the sauce looks. But we sell a lot of it, so it’s probably okay.” Thanks, but I’ll just have another glass of wine and a breadstick.
9. Me: “I need to return this handbag. It’s not going to work for me.” Salesclerk: “Oh, we don’t do that.” Me: “Why not?” Salesclerk: “It’s our policy.” Unless that policy came down on the Stone Tablets and was written by the Good Lord himself, I’m thinking you won’t be struck by lightening if you get out a pen and change your stupid policy.
10. Me: “My computer keeps shutting itself down. How do I fix that?” Computer guy: “Well, it’s working at our end, so I don’t know what to tell you.” Well, it’s your product. If you don’t know, I’m pretty much screwed. What’s the phone number of your competitor?
11. After waiting 25 minutes in line at the in-store Help Desk. “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do for you.” Seriously, nothing? Not even a suggestion or a referral? A refund? A store credit? You’ve got nothing??
12. While waiting (and waiting, and waiting) on hold for assistance. “Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available agent.” Color me stupid, but if my call is that important to you, you’d have someone to answer it. Every time that condescending message plays, I hate you just a little bit more.
13. (After 25 minutes in line at the grocery store), Me: “I don’t think your register is accurate. Go-gurt had one of those sales stickies on it for half price. ” Clerk: “Well, you’re welcome to go back to where you found it and get the sales ticket and bring it back here.” Me: “But won’t I have to wait in line again?” She shrugged, “Guess so.” Few things leave me speechless…
So I was shopping at Safeway the other day, in the early morning hours, and there was only one available checker. The lineup of shoppers snaked all the way back to Produce. The poor girl was completely frazzled, but doing the best she could while looking helplessly at the extended stream of increasingly cranky customers trying to get to work on time.
After a half-hour of waiting through the inevitable price checks, coupon clippers, lost Safeway cards, and I-forgot-the-milk-be-right-backs, I finally got the chance to ask her why on earth she was all alone. She replied, “They’re all at Customer Service training.”
Okay, that one was almost too easy.
OH THANK YOU FOR THE LAUGH.
There IS no service any more and yet I always tell myself this is a GREAT THING :-)
it means theres room for me to create something, serve and SUCCEED.
You’re welcome, Carla! And I agree with you. My mother always used to say “There’s always room at the top!” :)
Lol! You know, I’m laughing so I don’t cry…
Patti, that’s how I feel too! Sometimes you just want to reply, “If you hate your job, do something else!”
Heehee – #3. I’ve gotten that in trying to navigate the insurance fiasco signing up for our lovely state insurance. Anything else I can do to help? YES, you and the 37 other people I’ve called to try to sign up for this crappy insurance that does me no good with its almost $4000 deductible – just fix it – call the person ahead of you – submit it – just SOMETHING! Okay, 2 vents in one…
I know, Angie! There’s been so many times when I’ve wanted to say “Move over, and let me take care of this myself.” WHY are these people in the customer service industry??
I couldn’t agree with you more Vikki. I am in the hospitality business our resort is probably the best at CS. I must say when we give good service our guests are SURPRISED. That is sad because it says they are not used to decent CS.
That’s interesting, Barb! I’ve heard that before, when people are “surprised and delighted” to receive even garden-variety service! Wow…
OMG… I can not believe you’ve had so many of these asinine experiences! Lol. Being on the phone with a representative whose first language isn’t English is often challenging for me. I’m sure it is for both of us! I find myself very irritated when I have to repeat myself numerous times.
When it comes to dealing with people in stores, face-to-face, I will “call them out” on their behavior, etc, depending on my mood and if my kids are with me. I simply can not tolerate someone being rude to me in a place where I’m about to spend my money. However, if I’m already cranky or pissed, I’ll walk away or ignore it before anything worse happens.
I’m with you, TM! When my son was in his teens and we’d go to WalMart together, he’d sense that I was about to blow, and he’d always lean over and say, “Ask to speak to the manager, Mom. These people don’t get paid enough to deal with you.” Out of the mouths of babes! :)
Jeez, I could feel my blood pressure rising just reading your post. The lack of real service out there is appalling, which makes it all the more notable when someone treats you with respect, consideration and true helpfulness.
I know, Roxanne! I get to the point where if a salesperson isn’t rude, bored, or snarky, I think I’m getting superior service! :)
Thank you Vikki! If I can laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, maybe I won’t be tempted to strangle someone…
You’re welcome, Diane! I know exactly how you feel! :)
Thanks for another morning chuckle. Here’s my latest customer service winner. The other day I had a computer on the other end of the phone asking me to spell my name. I said “B R…” the computer said “Was that V R …” I said “No” We had to go through that about six times before I finally got “Please hold for the next available representative.” Who’d have thought a computer voice rec program might have trouble with V and B, and maybe C and D and B and P and…. On the other hand, our local Kroger has never let me down on customer service that goes above and beyond. That’s the one in Monticello, Indiana; You guys rock!
You’re welcome, Bob! Yes, that name spelling thing can sometimes go on for 20 minutes!
I hate having to deal with customer service for all of the reasons you have listed above. Another great Monday morning piece Vikki ! I don’t know how you continue to knock it out of the park, but you most certainly do!
Thanks, Rena! What a lovely thing to say! :)
bahahahahaha! LOVE THIS!
I know, because you’ve been with me when it’s happened! :)
The Safeway story at the end was CLASSIC. This had me chuckling and nodding my head in agreement.
I agree, Alexa. I showed remarkable restraint, because she just handed me that one! :)
Those are some spectacular fails, but I think the last is my favorite.
Thanks, Cassandra! Mine, too! :)
Oh for the love…don’t even get me started on shitty customer service.
I am often good at being kind, patient and understanding because I do know their job sucks, but sometimes…ugh. It takes every ounce of strength to not rip them to shreds verbally while bitch slapping the hell out of them for their rudeness and/or incompetence.
I’m with you, Kim! That’s why my son always tells me to ask for the manager, because those poor people aren’t paid enough to deal with me! :)
I love your idea about being greeted at the door with champagne and chocolates! I used to do that but most customers didn’t appreciate it. I worked at Weight Watchers. ;-) You never fail to slay me with laughter, Vikki! Sharing.
Thanks, Stephanie! (And I share the crap out of your stuff. Love you too!) :)
Yep too funny, and just had this happen at the Office Depot. I said to the young male clerk scanning my items, “oh by the way the women’s bathroom needs a lot of attention- honestly its disgusting”, his reply was, “Oh, I’ll make a note of that”.
Of course that’s already after the 4 items that were in clearance rang up as regular price and I explained they were all in clearance and he numbly looks at me and says, “so do you want them? This is what they rang up as.” There was no customer service or suggesting- lets check it out or sorry I can’t change the price or anything like that and I was the only customer in line. Sad.
Dina, that just happened to me yesterday. The grocery store was having a fabulous wine sale (is there any other kind?), but the clerk charged me full retail and ARGUED with me about the sale price. Neither of us was budging, so she did the dreaded “price check” that had us all in line for half an hour. Aaaaack!
Thanks, again, for the Monday smiles, Vikki! You really do get my weeks off to a good start! I try to be patient, but I absolutely cannot handle when a “customer service” person is rude! I have also found myself, many times, in a rage, but saying to someone over the phone, “I know that this is not your fault, as I am pretty sure you don’t make the policies, but your company is totally effing ridiculous, and in order to not take it out on you, you had better get a supervisor on the phone NOW!”
Beverly, I like your style! I’m adopting your “civilized, but determined” approach. “I can either yell at you, or you can get me someone else, but I’m going to yell at somebody RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW.” I feel SO much better! :)
God, I’m dying over here! I kinda want to forward this to the presidents of AT&T, Time Warner and any other company that has pissed me off with their crappy customer service.
As for the name spelling? I’ve got you beat…I’ve got a nine letter Italian name that, apparently, cannot be pronounced or spelled correctly by anyone other than family. And to think, I had a nice, easy maiden name that I gave up…
Gigi, a long Italian name?? Oh, my friend, get a glass of wine and get comfy when you’re calling Tutu, the tech in Botswana. By the time he gets your name filled in, it’ll 5:00 somewhere! :)
Too funny. I hate to say it but if English is not the first or second language I usually ask for some one who’s English is better. Sometimes it is helpful other times not.
I base my demandness on restaurant behavior. If some one sends back their meal once with just a bite gone, no problem. If they send it back twice while 1/2 eaten some one may spit in their food. Just saying, it may happen. A cocktail just once it gets sent back. More than that and I can guarantee I would not drink it.Virtually they can’t spit in my computer so I feel more confident about demanding better customer service.
Thanks, Haralee! I recently asked for an English-speaking tech when I needed computer service. They connected me with Akmed in Sri Lanka. Epic fail. :)
Vikki you keep me laughing. The one about going to Goodwill was the frosting on the cake. REALLY I am positive some of these sales clerks have no clue. Thanks for the laughs.
You’re welcome, Linda! No sweeter words to a humor writer than “You keep me laughing!”
Another truthful, entertaining post from you…I am going to be sharing everyplace!!! You always make me laugh
Thanks, Pamela! I love that I can make you laugh, and thanks for sharing!!
These are simply hilarious and sad at the same time. I read some of these out loud to my husband. I mean, who says stuff like some of these sales clerks do?
I agree, Terri! What customer service school did they go to?? :)
Oh what a pleasure you are! You had me snickering at the very first line!
LOL! This was such fun to read. I have had such similar experiences, I think anyone can identify with this. Thanks for the laughs! xx
My publisher moved their editing to one of those countries. Please pray for me:)
We all need to come up with a plan and stop this nonsence.
Hahaaaaa so funny! I am a CSR for a promotional products company, & believe me it goes the other way too. Some of the things I’ve heard from customers make me just shake my head :)
These were all great, but the restaurant one is my biggest peeve. Why don’t restaurant owners have their wait staff try all their dishes and coach them on how delicious they are? I love it when I order something in a restaurant and the waiter validates me with, ‘Excellent choice, this is one of my favorites.” I suppose they could be bluffing but it still makes me feel like I’ve won the menu lottery.
Vikki I have had some of these very things happen to me as well. You are either getting smothered – every time you look up there’s someone asking if you want something. Or the place is a desert. And no one who you actually can find knows anything! Funny funny. Thank you!
Oh, this is too hysterical and too timely. Sunday, a Microsoft tech spent an hour and a half trying to figure out why we can’t install Office 365 on my husband’s laptop that was recently updated to Windows 10. Another tech today just spent six hours trying to get it to install. The good news? I didn’t have to sit there watching her try to fix it. And I’ve got another call coming tomorrow. Gotta give an A for effort, at least. Though it would be nicer if the effen program would just install.