As summer appears to be drawing to a close and evenings are getting cooler, Kenny and I will be moving indoors for our evening ritual of sitting together after dinner, sharing a bottle of wine while we talk for hours about our day, our kids, finances, plans for the future, and whatever else randomly comes up.
Ever since we were dating, we’ve been talkers. 18-hour drive to see the fam? We’ll talk all the way. Off early on a work day? Pour the wine and pull up a chair. We’ll be talking til the sun goes down. (On one particular trip, coming home to Oregon from California, we talked past the only exit to the northbound freeway and ended up in Nevada before we realized we were off course.) Friends often ask, “What is it you two talk about??” I don’t really know. We just, well…talk.
But all married couple have subjects that are, essentially, off limits. Hot buttons guaranteed to ruin a perfect evening by even a nonchalant reference or offhand comment. For many couples, it’s finances. “Gee, dear, I noticed we’re overdrawn. Do you know why?” can result in a snapped, “How the hell should I know?? Probably those golf clubs you bought last week that you didn’t tell me about.” For Kenny and me, financial discussions are usually reduced to a simple, “We got any money?” “Yeah, we’re good,” or “Not so much.”
What we can’t talk about is his smoking. Kenny has smoked since he was in his teens, and no amount of cajoling, pleading, threatening, shouting, or black lung photos from the local high school science lab will get him to permanently put those things down. In fairness, he has tried to quit. He’s tried gum, e-cigarettes, willpower, Chantix, and everything else on the market, and he’s been temporarily successful several times. But he always starts again. Any reference from me about his continued smoking can tank an evening faster than one can say “I slept with your brother. At our wedding.”
I understand that cigarettes are reportedly tougher to give up than many other drugs. I also understand that it’s easy to tell somebody else to give something up while you avoid your own failed battles. Glass houses and all that. I’ve been unable to completely let go of carbonated caffeine and I can’t seem to lose the same 10 pounds I’ve been working on since 1987, so I’m not judging him. Simply put, I love my Big Guy and would like those years together that cigarettes will probably take away.
But since it’s such a communication landmine and years of talking have continuously resulted in the same conversational impasse, I decided to write him a letter. Sort of an “It’s a Wonderful Life,” Jimmy Stewart scenario of what’s going to happen when my Marlboro Man is no longer here. Since he doesn’t read my blog, I’m taping it up where he can’t miss it. On the beer fridge.
“Dear Hubs,
I give up. You’re right. You’re 57 years old, and you can do what you damn well please with your body.
You say you like to smoke and you simply don’t want to quit. Okay. You also repeatedly tell me your Great-Uncle Beaufort smoked all his life and lived to be 96. Well, I talked to your mom, and she says you’ve conveniently forgotten that Uncle Beaut was also hitched up to an oxygen tank for the better part of the last 20 years of his life.
You know that I’m a terrible nurse. Like, seriously terrible. I have absolutely no patience, and I’m not a nurturer. And FYI, cigarettes don’t always kill you. Often they just make you very sick, for a very long time (just ask Uncle Beaut). During that time, I’m going to be your nurse. Think about that for a moment.
But in the likely case that you continue to infest your body with hundreds of toxins 20 times a day, causing you to suddenly drop dead in the not-too-distant future, I’ve taken out a chunky-butt-size life insurance policy on you and have mapped out my future without you.
I’m going to get a boob lift, a tummy tuck, and oh, what the hell, maybe even a face lift. If I’m going to hit the dating scene at 60+, I’m going to need to step up my game.
I’m going on a week-long shopping blitz to replace all those dating clothes and stilettos that I tossed out to make room for the married-with-grandchildren yoga pants I wore when we were happier at home with family than dancing til dawn.
I’m selling our home, with the yard that you worked on every day, and getting a townhouse that needs no maintenance.
I’m trading in your truck and your fishing boat for the red Shelby you always said you wanted to buy me but that we couldn’t afford.
I’m finally going to respond to those stupid Facebook dating-site ads that say “Meet Single Seniors Now!” I like being married. I’d rather it was you, but you’re not here.
And that RV Across America trip that we talked about for years? I’m doing it. I’m taking our map down from the wall, with all the push-pins of places we wanted to see, and hitting the road. And because I’ll miss you every single moment of every single day, I’m putting your picture in the front seat and taking you with me. It won’t be the same, but it will have to be enough.
We could have done this together. We still can. Just try one more time.
Because I’m stupid in love with you. And I’ve never mastered stilettos anyway.
Love, love, love this post!!! I really hope it helps him to finally give up :) x
I love this.
My hubby smokes too and its horrible.
Whenevef he comes in for a kiss I have to push him away as I just can’t stand the smell
Oh Vicki, what a difficult challenge for you and your hubs. The thought of having him choose to continue a behavior that will most likely shorten your time with him is such a hurtful thing to process, but that’s the epidome or addiction, huh?? The behavior is harmful to themselves and their loved ones, but seems impossible to give up. From a wife’s perspective, I could see how it would feel like he loves cigarettes more than you, that you occupy #2 on his list of priorities, and that he would choose smoking over travel, holidays, and date nights with you. That’s a tough spot for you to be in. I’m sure he feels guilty about all of that and he probably feels angry that the thing he loves so much is so harmful to him. That just seems a little evil, from his perspective, I’d assume. I am with you on the Diet Coke addiction, and it falls into somewhat of the same category as Kenny’s addiction. I can’t stop. Even as I see my mom, grandma, and mother-in-law have bad bone scan results and have to cut out soda, I can’t stop. Even as I read the literature and see the studies about all the negative effects of aspartame, I can’t stop. And honestly, I don’t really want to. But I am committed to try again. Not completely, but just cut down by a few cans a day. I feel better when I drink water, but I still love my fizzy Diet Coke in the moment. So here’s to you and me with our caffeine addiction, and here’s to Kenny trying one more time.
Good for you! What a frustration-yes it’s his habit, but when one partner is affected the other is as well. (been there) He should look at more than his own stuff–as you so note, with humor and more!
Vikki I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! Sending good thoughts and prayers that he will give it one more try. I have had several loved ones who really have done it all and still can’t stop. It’s hard on everyone!! Love to you! ( I also have to say that my husband and I can talk for years too! I feel very fortunate about that!!)
Addiction is a bitch. I’m sure this is difficult for both of you. If you keep talking like you’ve always done, hopefully one day he’ll wake up and realize those conversations are far more addicting than the cigarettes.
I completely understand your desire to have a smoke-free hubs. I also completely understand his inability to quit. I have smoked for 51 years. I have done several STOP programs, myself. Chantix, hypnosis, patches, Wellbutrin, self-hypnosis, yoga and read every book that guarantees to be the one to take me over that 4 week hump. They all failed for me because I also enjoy smoking. No one except a long-time smoker could ever understand this, but I do.
My family has begged, made heir homes smoke-free, nagged, threatened, explained how my grandchildren need me to be a non-smoker…sent me lovely letters. The result? I still smoke.
I have tried so many times to explain to the people I love and even people I don’t know, the hold cigarettes have on me. If there was any habit or activity that you began in your early teens as a frequent activity which by your 20th birthday you were doing roughly every half hour to hour every waking moment, you might get it. But other than smoking, I can’t think of one. Not doing that thing ever again is unimaginable to me.
On the surface, I would love to be a non-smoker. Really. My life would be much less complicated without smoking. I could go anywhere and be comfortable. I could enjoy places I used to enjoy and now can’t wait to leave so I can light up. I can’t smoke most of the places we used to go regularly, so I don’t go. If I can’t smoke, I can’t enjoy myself for very long and it gets very stressful, though sometimes, I have to just pretend that it’s fine. It’s never fine.
For me and many others, changing laws to outlaw what I do has just made me a homebody. Telling me you want me to quit is telling me you think I’m flawed and need fixing. You are not saying those words, of course, but I’m hearing them
Everyone is going to die. I’m going to die. It’s going to be smoking related because I smoked over 50 years, so far. Whether it has anything to do with smoke, that will be what people say killed me.
This month my mom will turn 91. She is on no medication, save allergy pills and aleve. She smokes 2 packs a day every day. She will hardly go anywhere because she can’t smoke anywhere except her house or mine and she isn’t wanting to stand outside and smoke so as not to offend. We stay home a lot, together.
I understand your letter and your motive, but this won’t work either. Accept it and enjoy your man.
Your nursing skills sound like mine. “Get up, get dressed, move around. Do something. You’ll feel better.” I’m good for two days, then it’s time for the patient to be better. My saving grace is that I’m no more sympathetic with myself. I once fainted getting ready for work, because, well, because it was day 3.
End of life decisions are our off-limit. Loved-One wants to be put out of his mise.y (actively). I told him no. Sorry, I can relieve his pain, but I’m no Kavorkian. The guilt would haunt me. And I’ll haunt him if he Kavorkians me.
Vicki, it’s tough to walk that “unconditional love” line when it comes to a destructive habit on your other’s part. It’s clear you love him too much to judge. Even your admonishment has a tone of deep affection. I hope he changes his view. A compromise? Maybe he can limit the smoking to essential times or amounts, like people who have a cigar after dinner. Whatever, my hopes are that you will both come to some deal you can live with.
Bless your heart. Admirable effort on this one – hope it makes the difference :)
I applaud your approach with the letter. Of course it is great to hope he will be able to kick the habit, but the reality is that he won’t be able to. Smoking seems to be so difficult to give up that even hypnosis cannot do the trick for most.
I often think about how much money could be saved from no longer purchasing cigarettes. Heck, think of all the better quality wine you could afford!
All I know for sure is that I am really really glad I never even started to smoke.
Once again Vikki, this one hits home and right between the eyes to boot. I have the exact same situation you do. I don’t nag him – he knows how I feel. I’m calling shotgun!
Michelle @ On A Wing And A Prayer
I smoke and drink Diet Coke… I’m doomed.
Loved this Vikki! Somehow you always manage to make a tough topic humorous! Here’s to hoping he can pull the trigger and kick the habit!
Smokers! It took me 10 years to quit. Finally I did quit after 25 years of the smelly mess. I still think of smoking, but only in my dreams. Even dreaming it tasted soooo good. Nevertheless, I am smoke free and still missing it after 15years of non smoking. The love affair lasts forever!!
What a beautiful, romantic, compelling post. I hope he quits.
I know this one! Your letter is brilliant. You made me laugh and groan at the same time (and that can be painful!) Would you mind if I printed off a copy and pasted it on my refrigerator? We don’t have a beer fridge but hubs in the family cook so I know he’d see it. Good luck to all of us who love a man who smokes.
This is PERFECT. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to give up smoking but I hope he is so inspired by your loving yet hilarious letter that he just goes cold turkey. Would love to know his reaction to what you wrote. Fingers crossed you never have to write him another letter like this (although I will happily read it if you do!). xo
I read this earlier but was in a pinch to get out the door, yet it stayed with me. There is so much here: Love, desire, worry, hope, humor, fear… Mostly I am left rooting for both of you, such a gift you have in each other. May your sharing inspire your husband and the countless other people wrestling with the desire to give up smoking.
Oh Vikki, I understand your plight. You might tell him that since u r such a bad nurse, u r looking into really good nursing homes cuz that is where he will have to go! Good luck, I’m rooting for u!
If that letter won’t convince him, nothing will! I hope both of you live healthily into your 90s and beyond!
Bless your heart. And bless his lungs. Hope he is able to figure out a way to quit.
Don’t know how you do it, being a non-smoker living w/a smoker. Tough gig. Good luck to you, Ms. Vikki! My hubby and I were smokers from teens to early 30’s. We half-heartedly tried to stop a few times. Nothing clicked. Until our oldest son, who was 12 at the time, was diagnosed w/a brain tumor. And just when we needed smoking to ease the stress and anxiety, we both looked at that young boy fighting for his life and knew we could never smoke again. How could we continue this deadly habit when a little boy who had never done a bad thing in his young life was doing everything he (and medical science) could do to keep on living? No way could we smoke in front of, around him or even behind his back. We had to be strong and healthy for him, and for the long fight ahead. He needed us. And that was a very STRONG smoking deterrent. Don’t recommend or wish it on anyone, but it worked. We’ve never smoked since; after 5 yrs of treatment our son entered remission and next week will celebrate his 35th b-day. :-)
I have not met a smoker who doesn’t want to quit but the habit is tough. I feel for you!
I am so glad my hubby doesn’t smoke – it would be a deal breaker for me.
it’s the post that make you laugh and cry that are the best! Thanks for this one!
“Because I’m stupid in love with you” made me cry. If Kenny doesn’t quit, I will! Okay, I hardly ever do it–like one cigarette per week with my Friday night glass of wine–but dammit if that wasn’t a compelling letter!
Vikki, I love this! I think you might have mastered the art of “nagging without appearing to nag”. If so, millions of women everywhere will thank you. Keep us posted on the results!
I’ve been in both your position and his. I was the one everyone worried about because I smoked, and after dozens of attempts, six years ago, I finally quit for good. But I’ve also been in relationships with smokers during times I wasn’t, and I know exactly what you mean by trying everything to get them to quit: love, anger, blackmail, reward… I hope your letter jolts something in your husband! What was his reaction to it?
“found you” or you “found me” on twitter? Not sure which way, to me, doesn’t matter. About 5 minutes ago I said I had only had time to read the “about me” portion of your site; making kids lunches, reading and signing the 7 forms they left in front of me just before I sent them off to bed (when I WANTED to follow) and trying to complete some compliance test for a pharmaceutical company that would like me to talk to other MS patients, ALL are supposed to consume the 30 minutes before I SHOULD be in bed too…but as I added your blog to the site I use to keep track of and follow blogs I want to follow, the title of this post grabbed my attention…and kept it…and I read. NOT because I have a loved one that I want to leave a plagiarized note for (posting your words for him to read in the morning), but because I want to leave that note for ME! It is EVERYTHING that I think when I am in the mood/mind set to acknowledge how much I hate the fact that I smoke. I managed to get a disease (MS), and let it make me stronger. To leave an incredibly unhappy marriage and become the strong, independent woman I used to be (or at least always knew I COULD be.) And then I met a man, that makes me happier then I EVER imagined I could be.
Like you and your man, we love to laugh and talk, and simply BE together. That is NOT what I had and NOT what I am used to, but the simple fact is, it is the way we are. And we dream. Buying a fishing boat. Replacing the Haley that a divorce “gave away.” Spending weeks and months in an RV, traveling across the country, visiting little towns, meeting all the wonderful people and places that this country has to offer. Doing all the things that two people that are together, that are best friend, are meant to do together.
I know that beyond the reality of the disease that I already got lucky enough to get, that smoking is just another way to ensure that none of this will come true. Obviously I have spent plenty of time thinking about this and that ultimately it is MY decision and that I can only quit for ME, but I wanted to say a huge thank you for sharing your letter, because it really did make me stop and think.
Guess the ultimate test will be, did it make me stop…and quit.
Look forward to reading more of your posts:)
Cheers
Meg
bbhwithms.com