“Empty Nest.” Every parent knows what that means. Some dread it. Some look forward to it. Either way, if you have kids, it’s going to happen. It’s normal and natural for our children to leave home somewhere between 18-22 years of age, to begin life as reasonably sane, independent adults. But after almost two decades of guiding and watching over our young progeny, laughing, loving, disciplining, cheering victories and healing heartaches, how do we let them walk out the door with a breezy “Bye, Mom,” all their worldly goods, and most of our checking account?
Most people agree that it would be a bit weird to have a healthy, grown child who never left home. He’d eventually become that creepy guy in all those movies about the 42-year-old man living with his mother in the big house up on the hill. “Failure to Launch” was a hilarious movie about a young man refusing to leave the convenience and affordability of living with his parents. The success of this film was an indication of its resonance with both generations.
Since it seems to be inevitable, how do we celebrate, rather than mourn, the empty nest? Like most difficult things in life, we need to look for the silver lining. Yes, I understand that young Bradford, the III, is taking a year to trek the Himalayans with three friends, one backpack, and a Sherpa, and baby Bitsy is going to the University of Five-Hours-Away-by-Plane, but you know what? You’ll be okay. Put down that spoon, stick the Hagen Daaz Triple Brownie Delight back in the freezer, pour a glass of wine and visualize the following:
- Your house is no longer a free hotel for mini-adults that apparently believe it also comes with complimentary housekeeping and laundry services.
- You can read a book. All of it. In one weekend.
- You can travel to grown-up people destinations. No more Disneyland or kid-focused hotels.
- You can eat out at restaurants that don’t have Happy Meals on the menu or have changing stations in the bathrooms.
- You can take up a new hobby. Buy the loom you’ve always wanted and set it up in your daughter Begonia’s bedroom. Paint the room bright purple. Install shelving for your creations. Don’t feel guilty. This is your room now.
- You can turn Samson’s downstairs bedroom into a wine cellar. Repeat after me. A. Wine. Cellar.
- No more fighting over the remote or yelling at selectively deaf teenagers to turn down the damn TV.
- Your mornings belong to you. No more lunches to pack, uniforms to wash, breakfasts to whip up, carpools to join, or homework to review. Just you, a hot cappuccino, and Buford, your rescue pug, enjoying a quiet sunrise. Aaahhh.
- You can fill your fridge with the good stuff that you couldn’t afford to feed the kids. For the last four years, your kitchen has been the mother-lode of gigantic bags of chips, cheese puffs, and Hot Pockets, attracting teenage locusts from all over town because you have all the good shit. Now you can stock up on fresh seafood, Pepperidge Farm chocolate mint cookies, and cheeses that don’t come in individual plastic wrappers. Go crazy. Toss it all into the cart.
- You don’t have to set a good example every day. Let’s be honest. Being a daily role model to teenagers who know everything is tough. By move-out day, we’ve taught them pretty much everything we can. Now they’re out the door and we can be our real selves, doing stupid things, without worrying about embarrassing our kids or having to explain why we should have known better.
- You have more cash. The constant, daily handing out of cash for unanticipated events will eventually trickle to the occasional frantic text request (“Mom, pls send $200 asap! Oh, luv u!”), and you can now afford a massage. And a facial. Every month.
- Your kitchen is no longer an all-night diner. 24-hour access is now limited to you and Hubs. And you can be reasonably certain that the other half of your Little Debbie’s cupcakes will still be there tomorrow morning when you get up.
- You no longer have to cook separate meals because the baby hates anything green, the eldest is dieting and won’t eat carbs, and your tweener has decided she won’t eat anything that “can look at her.”
- You can actually sleep through the night, rather than dozing like a mama fruit bat, with ears open and eyes half closed, listening for the key in the lock that says 17-year-old Rutger is home safe (and so is your car).
- You no longer have to spend hundreds of dollars on uniforms for Filbert to wear out on the field, so you can watch your teenage baby get tackled, pummeled, and body slammed every Friday night.
- No more long-distance, all-day sports practices or cold, rainy, morning soccer matches. Unplug the alarm clock, and snuggle under the warm, poofy comforter for another hour (or two).
- You can ditch the minivan and get a car you actually like. Feeling the need for a bright red, two-seater convertible? Or you think your neighbor’s tiny electric car is the cutest thing ever? Yep, they’re both wildly impractical. But what the hell, drive whatever you want. You’ve earned it.
- No more bulk buying. Cancel that Costco membership. You no longer need 12 bottles of ketchup, a gallon of shampoo, and 87 rolls of toilet paper in your house at all times.
- You get to give advice to new moms. You have parenting street cred. You’ve raised one or more “good ones,” and new mothers, unlike your children, will actually want advice from you.
- You’re one step closer to grandchildren. Those adorable miniature humans, with their silky-soft hair and clean-baby smell, that you can love and spoil the crap out of, and then hand back to their original owners to raise.
And so, Simba, the circle of life begins again.
And then they move back in to “save money” and you wonder when/if they’ll ever move out again!
You’re right, Russell! The little darlings don’t know how good they’re living until they have to start buying their own Starbucks! :)
You have hit it spot on! While I love my kids endlessly, we are enjoying the luxury of doing, watching, reading and SAYING what we want, when we want!! Plus it is so fun when they come home now, sans laundry bag!
I agree, Laura! We always joke with our kids, “We love to see you come. We love to see you go!” Fortunately, they know we love ’em! :)
I experienced the empty nest syndrome bad, really bad. That’s when my hobby became a full time job. Plus I was working full time at my receptionist job. I needed it. But ten years later I have reached a point I like being home (without the kids) and photography is now a hobby again. Grandkids are wonderful. And yes, each one of them has their own set of clothes, toothbrush, their favorite snacks etc, but at the of their stay- I send them home!
It sounds wonderful, Debra! I love that your hobby became your job. Many people never get to do anything with their passion until they’re too old to do it anymore! And yep, we have a toy basket for each grandchild, plus princess blankets and avenger blankets, and a pile of clothes they forgot the last time they packed up. It’s all good! :)
With four years of freedom , I mean empty nesting, under my belt, I find myself grinning and nodding at each and every insightful point. Now, could you please address the lingering pet issue. In particular, the bunny that Rutger simply had to have in grade 8 and that would only live 2 years at most and has actually thrived for a good 7 and is expected to hang in there for at least another 5? With the soup pot NOT an option, what would you suggest? Adopting? Excellent. When would you like me to send her? She’s Canadian, so very polite.
Kelly, you’re hilarious! I agree with the pet issue. Length restraints on my post precluded a few that would have added otherwise. But yes, little Rutger just HAD to have the damn bunny, and know Rutger’s at college, assuming you’ll continue to feed and pet the world oldest living bunny. Sigh… :)
Love it! When my grown (out of the house) boys drop by they look though the frig and all the cabinets in dismay, then demand to know what happen! They declare that I have NO FOOD in the house. To which I try to explain – I don’t NEED TO keep a lot of grocery’s on hand any more (since I am no longer feeding an army), AND…dad and I like to eat out. They always look confused. :)
I know exactly how you feel, Krista! For the first couple of years, Hubs and would go to the store and buy everything the kids or grandkids might like to eat. $300 later, they’d show up and we’d discover one didn’t like anything spicy, the other didn’t like anything creamy, one only liked meat, and the other was allergic to everything. As we sat staring at a cupboard full of kids’ food, we said “Are we crazy or stupid?” Now we wait and go to the store TOGETHER with the parents and buy what they tell us everyone will eat. :)
VICKI, THIS IS WHERE I AM AT WITH THE HOMETOWN GRANDKIDS…I GO OUT BUY LOTS OF FOOD……COOK, BAKE & WA-LA, AT LEAST ONE TURNS UP THIER NOSE(SOMETIMES 2, WELL OK..ALL 3 OF THEM) & SAYS I WANT MEXICAN?? I HAVE EATEN MEXICAN UNTIL I CAN NOT HARDLY STAND TO GO IN THE PLACE ANYMORE?? ALL THEY SEEM TO EAT IS MEXICAN, CHICKEN NUGGETS OR STRIPS & FRIES?? I HAVE TOLD THEM I AM NOT COOKING ANYMORE & HAVING TO THROW OUT GOOD FOOD WHEN THE WORLD HAS STARVING FOLKS IN IT?? ONE IS 13, ONE 11 & ONE 4??????? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO??
I have enjoyed the empty nest for approximately four hours and twenty three minutes. One son was back before I got off work the next day, a daughter came home with four little darlings and their dog, another came with two angst ridden teenagers and a screaming two year old. I have developed an up close and personal relationship with the wine bottle at night. Any advice? P.S. I haven’t seen my t.v. remote in two weeks.
That’s too funny, Linda! My son and his daughter have two beautiful kids and one semi-schizzy dog. We have two Chihuahuas, so the dog flexing and barking goes on pretty much all weekend! I wish I could help you, but wine therapy works for me, and you’re already there. Ask your grandchildren where they put the remote. Even the three-year-old knows where it is. :)
Yes youre absolutely right i can now leave out my chocolate, my expensive shower products, my decent clothes and make up…no separate veggie dairy free meals…a 2 seater convertible…and when she does come home to visit, it only takes an hour to clean all the debris up…
I know the feeling, Claire! Hubs bought me a sporty, compact 2-seater convertible that I’m crazy about. My DIL said, “Mom, how are you going to transport the two kids?” I said, “I’ll use YOUR car.” Oh. And it took me a while to discover that no matter how much of a mess the kids make, they take it all with them when they go. A couple loads of dirty towels and a vacuum, and the house is back to normal. I’m way more relaxed now. If my grandkids throw stuff on the floor, whatevs… :)
I’m on round two, starting to empty nest the grandkids. It went so much faster this time around! It’s so hard to break the bulk buying habit.
So true, Doreen! I scratch the itch by bulk buying things I like. Wine, chocolate, cinnamon rolls… :)
Yep. Did the empty nest thing. For six months. Then one or the other or the other or the other (ad infinitum and why did I have so many kids?!) come back ‘just for a few months’. Don’t get me wrong. I love it! And I get the grandkids right here. Where I can enjoy them full time. But sometimes, I dream of . . . all of the above.
So Diane, how do you love, spoil and then send them home to their parents when they live with you? Love all my kids and grandkids to the moon and back but a little space now and then is nice. I was under the impression I had already done my child raising. I am definitely taking that trip I’ve been planning while I’m still young enough to enjoy it. lol
Diane, you have “boomerang children!” That’s another post altogether. I have several friends who have kids still living with them. The kids struggle ALMOST as much as the parents. “Shouldn’t we be done by now?” Linda, you’re right. We can love them to pieces, but Mother Nature says it’s time to fly, little birds! :)
Our only son, age 26, moved to the east coast eight years ago for college and didn’t come back to live. We miss him every day, however, we can run like monkeys through the house, eat when and what we want, and travel to see him. He still comes home for holidays. And we’ve both found hobbies we like. Not all bad.
Sounds perfect, Amy! I remind my son, age 27, every time he comes “home” for the weekend with his beautiful little family that just because I turned his room into my home office doesn’t mean I don’t love him. It’s just that he wouldn’t want ME living with THEM either. He gets it. :)
Our oldest was the boomerang prince! I believe he came back 4 times. The best part of that was his brother decided he would live on the street before he would come home. He never actually had to do that but, I loved his determination. Fortunately, they all mature at different stages and eventually find a good woman who says, “WTF? You live with your parents?” It’s eye opening for the boy and immediately endears her to his parents.
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Barbara, you’re absolutely right! Every young man I know who lived at home a little longer than Mother Nature intended left when he met a young woman that said, “What’s WRONG with you??” :)
Sounds great….but I’ll bet you miss them a bit too. Although to be able to read a WHOLE book. Wow.
Liv, oh, I’m such a baby (according to my 27-year-old son)! They’re only an hour away, so I’ve been known to make late night calls to “Come home!” I tell him I’m looking down at my lap and there are no grandchildren sitting there, and that’s just WRONG. They walk in the door an hour later and Grandma is smiling again! :)
Great blog post! I told myself all the years my son was growing up and time was short that I’d join a book club when he left for college. I formed one called the Empty Nesters book club — and it’s still going strong 10 years later. We’ve read the most wonderful books, and I’ve taking up blogging, too. He’s still in school, though, getting a Ph.D. — but in another state. And always in my heart.
Reading through your list of what you regain when the chicks fly the coop puts me in awe of what moms are able to achieve. I never had kids, and some days I wonder how I get “stuff” done–and I only have a husband and two cats. May you luxuriate in the freedom, space and quiet of your empty nest!
LOL – our son’s downstairs room is destined to become the wine cellar. LOL. Great minds think alike… :-)
The loom and the wine cellar are great ways to deter the boomerang kid mentality. Is changing the locks too severe?
I couldn’t wait for the empty nest…and it was as good as my dreams. It lasted for 3 very short years and then m ymother moved in. The kids were so much easier.