TOP TIPS 4 OUR DARLING 20-SOMETHINGS
Many of us have 20-Somethings… the youngest of the millennials. Many are “boomerang kids” or low flying offspring of helicopter parents. We suspect we may have hindered their development by being pathologically overprotective and overscheduling their childhoods. But, who knows, maybe some day those clarinet lessons, lacrosse skills, and peanut warnings will be useful to them.
Meantime, I have some more advice for our 20-Somethings:
1. Look both ways before crossing the street, but more importantly – look UP from your cell phone. WHOA! That is a Mack truck careening toward you.
2. Don’t run with a druggy crowd or with scissors. Especially don’t run with a druggy crowd who bandies scissors. You’ll regret it.
3. Don’t email or text nude photos of yourself to some schmuck unless you wish them to be plastered all over the Internet. Also, don’t text when you’re plastered.
4. Don’t take NyQuil Severe unless you have a killer flu and a designated driver.
5. Don’t buy generic paper goods. They crumble.
6. Don’t bother learning to parallel park. It’s an exercise in futility. The newer cars do it for you anyway.
7. Don’t help yourself to the dog’s prescriptions to save money. You may end up with roundworms. Roundworms look like pieces of cooked spaghetti in your poop. You have to admit that is pretty darn gross.
10. (DAUGHTERS) Don’t marry a guy who refers to his mother (or me) as “that crazy bitch.” Even if she is/I am one.
11. (SONS) Never bend over naked and swing your private parts in front of the cat.
12. Tattoos larger than a Post-it? See #2.
13. Nipples were not designed to bear the weight of gold hoop earrings. (Come to think of it, neither were earlobes.)
14. Wash your hair before job interviews, weddings (yours and others), funerals (mine definitely), and TV appearances.
15. Don’t go to a shrink whose dog is on Prozac.
16. For God’s sake, use Kleenex… even if you think nobody’s watching.
17. Don’t drop the “F word” in everyday conversation. Hold onto it for maximum dramatic effect or comic emphasis! Avoid posting it online. It may come back to bite you in the “f#!&-ing” ass…
18. Do as I say, not as I do… or as I did… or as I wish I did.
19. Never accept a body massage from a mysterious stranger on the subway.
20. Don’t eat in a restaurant or bar that has sawdust on the floor. Mixed in with the shavings are piles of filth, insect excrement, and probably a bevy of black widow spiders.
21. Don’t cut your own bangs. Trust me, always a mistake.
22. Be kind, calm, and strong. Or at least learn to fake 2 out of 3 reasonably well.
23. Don’t ditch your chewed gum on the edge of your dinner plate. It’s disturbing on many levels.
24. Don’t be confrontational to cops. They have clubs, pepper spray, tasers, 9 mm semi-automatics, and occasionally anger management issues.
25. Don’t forget that my birthday and Mother’s Day are irresistible opportunities to demonstrate boundless gratitude, unconditional love, and the power of your increasing credit line.
Barb Best feels your pain. The 2010 Erma Bombeck Global Humor Winner and twice a Top 10 in The Robert Benchley Humor Competition, her comedy material has been performed on stage and TV and published in numerous magazines, newspapers, and online. Her popular humor blog appears at BarbBest.com and Alltop.
She has two new books coming out in 2015: Find Your Funny: The LOL Survival Guide for Teens with Dr. Joanne Jackal and How To Be Miserable: The Missing Manual (a spoof on The Happiness Project). If sitting is the new smoking, her pants are on fire.