Female Email: A Peek Inside a Menopausal Lap(Top)
BY: Stephanie D. Lewis
INBOX
Nov. 1, 2014
Hi Sweetheart- – I’m bringing the boss home for dinner tonight. There WILL be dinner tonight, right? And there’s still a home? Would you heat the food in the regular oven this time? Not like last week, when you broiled lamb chops under your neck during a hot flash? Oh and let’s pass on that dessert you invented where you take two scoops of Cookies n’ Cramps ice-cream, drizzle lemon juice, light the whole thing on fire and call it “Frigid, Sourpuss Wife Flambé.” Also please don’t wear your tee shirt that says, “Sex after menopause shouldn’t have to hurt!”
Love You!
P.S. Just for tonight, could you also skip that endearing thing you do where you grab me by the shirt collar shouting, “This is all your fault. If 50 year old males weren’t always lusting after younger women, older women’s’ genes would never have mutated to trigger menopause! Read the 2013 Scientific Canadian Research Study as proof!”
Oct. 31, 2014
Dear Ms. Lewis,
It’s that time of year again! Please call our office to schedule an appointment for your annual Pap-Smear, Ovary Tug, Cervix Swipe, Muffin-Top Measurement, Thigh-Pinch, Hormone Harness, and of course that thing we do where we smash your breasts together between two glass plates, leaving you with a craving for blueberry hotcakes at IHOP.
Sincerely, Dr. KillJoy and Staff
SPAM
Oct. 17, 2014
Hello! I am a distant cousin of yours, twice removed, and have discovered myself in an unusual plight in a foreign country, little known name, called Venicesudanstralia with no money, no visible means of transportation, no cellular phone, as well multiple sufferings with formal night sweats, severe fatigue, difficulty concentrating, bloating, anger episodes, brittle fingernails, and memory lapses where I cannot even recall your name. Dearest Cousin, if you would have the compassion and empathy for such symptoms, please be so kind as to henceforth wire the sum of $10,045.67 directly into my bank account. I know it would make Great Ant Gertrude so vastly pleased.
Sincerely Yours, Annakarinabethlynn Farawaymenopaula
Sept. 8, 2014
Dear Stephanie,
I hope you’re not still having my emails directed to your Spam folder? We need to finalize our divorce and citing “mental cruelty” because you can’t stand the way I eat corn on the cob isn’t going to fly. The judge says, “Abandonment” won’t work either because all husbands typically step outside when they empty the garbage.“
Also, please stop writing “impotency and premature ejaculation compensation” on the memo line of my spousal support checks prior to cashing them!
Signed, The Jerk You Used to Share a Bed With (while throwing the sheets on and off according to your basal body temperature!)
DRAFTS
Nov 2, 2014
Dear Snopes,
Is there any truth to the urban legend that there is some crazy menopausal woman running loose on the Internet writing fake emails so she can heighten the entertainment factor on her blog?
SENT
Nov 3, 2014
Dear Menopausal Support Group,
I am so glad to be able to RSVP “yes!” for your next Girls Night Out. I’m sending my husband, his boss, Dr. KillJoy and my ex-spouse to the International House of Pancakes to meet my long lost 2nd cousin. I’ll have the entire night free to frolic with other women who believe that 50 is the new Sweet 16!
Cheers!
Stephanie Lewis
P.S. – – I’ve got us covered in the wine/whine department.
Stephanie D. Lewis is a regular contributor to Huffington Post and pens a humor blog, “Once Upon Your Prime” where she tries to “Live Happily Ever Laughter.” She also writes an ongoing “Female Fun” column for “North County Woman Magazine” called, Razzle, Dazzle & Frazzle and was recently named one of 2014 Voices of the Year by BlogHer. Her 2008 book, is the tale of marriage, motherhood, mistakes and madness. As a single mother of six, she knows a lot about the madness. She’s supervised potty training and driver’s training simultaneously, but there were too many accidents. Live-in housekeeper? Nah, she’ll take a live-in psychotherapist, thank you.
I thought I was the only one who craved blueberry hotcakes after a mammogram? FUNNY post, Stephanie and ohhhhh so relatable!
Ha – – Thanks so much Marcia – – Yes, IHOP (which I believe stands for “I Have Other Priorities”) needs to introduce a Mammogram Special on the menu – – two side by side pancakes with a raspberry in each center. After this image, you and I will only order waffles or french toast!
Thank Goddess for blueberry pancakes! They make life bearable!
We need better and better rewards for facing our mammograms! Thanks for commenting.
Word! Every hot word. No, cold word. Sweaty word. Every Mother %#!@&* word. How about that? I said HOW ABOUT THAT?!
P.S. Could someone please pass the wine?
Oh you’ve got the right idea! We need to hold our support group right here. Pass anything carb laden to me. ;-) Thank you.
Dear Stephanie,
Could you be any funnier?
-Marissa
P.S. You might want to look into that ‘spam’ email! Sounds like a very likely situation to me. I wouldn’t dismiss it so easily!
very funny. I prefer blueberry muffins with any gooey high caloric latte after the mam because I know that calories were expended in the squish!
There ya go! A woman who knows how to compensate for the pain of the squish with a caloric dish! That’s it – – After mammograms, we’re entitled to our “Squish Wish Dish!” Thank you so much for reading/commenting.
You make this sounds so much fun!!!
Sometimes You gotta fool yourself into thinking it’s fun! Thank you.
Stephanie….this is priceless and is a true reflection of daily realities. Thanks for sharing this with us!
Oh my goodness! I had to do a double take at the “Stephanie L!” It would not be beyond me to have a conversation with myself! Thank you so much though.
This is just damn hilarious! I want to write that on a check somewhere…anywhere!
One has to be a wait to be aware of the humor in all of it, so I guess she qualifies!
After a mammogram? Sea-salt-flavored potato chips and a glass of Zinfandel.
(Oh, and don’t you just love getting those pathetic “spam-o-grams”? My rational mind tells me that people can’t believe that spiel. But then again, somebody’s contributing. Why else would the spammers keep doing it – ‘ya think?) Just wonderin’ …