You know who she is. She’s that friend who’s always asking you about your life and what you’re doing, with an oh-so-interested, concerned expression permanently plastered across her face, as she skillfully touches on every sensitive topic in your emotional suitcase with running commentary that makes you feel somehow worse than before.
“And how’s your Hubs? Is he still working with that 20-year-old blonde tramp that was all over him at the Christmas party? Well, despite what everyone is saying, I’m sure nothing ever happened between them.” “And tell me about your daughter. Has she stopped dating that creepy guy with the tattoos and all those facial piercings? It must be so hard for you to watch her keep picking losers.” “So your mother is coming for the weekend? She must be back from her cruise with your sister. Tell me again why you weren’t invited?”
One of the benefits of aging is that we reach a point in our lives when we get to choose who we spend our time with. We can be selective, letting in only those people who lift us up, encourage us, make us laugh, forgive our mistakes, celebrate our wins, and genuinely grieve our losses. And we do the same for them, because that’s how it works.
Longevity in our lives, parallel office cubicles, or shared DNA are no longer deciding factors. Yes, we’ve been friends since junior high, or we’ve worked together for three years, or maybe we’re family, but you’re also kind of a bitch and when I spend time with you, I always leave feeling “less.” So buh-bye. And while you’re headed out the door, please take these people with you:
The flake. She shines at planning events. She packs our calendars with weekend wine tastings, girls’ night out, movie nights, or duo mani’s and pedi’s at the local day spa. But then you get the last-minute cancellation. Every. Single. Time. So don’t hold her seat at the restaurant, because she’s not coming.
The user. Whenever she needs something, whether it’s helping her move her furniture around or being the lookout while she stalks his new girlfriend all over town, you’re the first person she calls. “Please, please, please. I’ll owe you one” is her wheedling promise. But somehow she’s always in a no-cell-service zone when you try to call.
The whiner. This woman’s life is a mess. And before the second glass of wine, you’ll know every detail. Hubs is not paying attention to her, she hates her job, her kids are spoiled rotten and entitled, and her beloved shiatsu needs $1000 surgery, so she’s thinking of just putting him down, and life is just so haaaaaard. 45 minutes into our evening and you’re ready to shoot yourself.
The gossip. She knows everything about everyone. Her favorite activity is curling up on the couch with you and a bottle of wine, while she narrates the evening with private, salacious detail of other people’s lives. While this may have been fun the first couple of times, you begin to realize that this is all she talks about, ever. And remember, “Do it with me, do it to me.” All that trash gossip she’s sharing with you about them? Guess what she’s telling them about you.
The drama queen. She’s happiest in the midst of a personal crisis, so she creates them wherever she goes. She’s exhausting, needy, and if you let her, will suck your energy until you’ve got nothing left. Then you’re the bad guy because “you don’t care about her.” No one can care enough. It’s not humanly possible. Save yourself. Run for the nearest exit.
The expert. She’s got advice on every topic you’ve ever brought up. She knows what you’re doing wrong with your kids, why Hubs has been less attentive lately, why your boss has been so hard on you, the best way to host your weekend dinner party, why you can’t lose weight, and how to stop your dog from peeing in the house. She has all the answers, all the time, and starts every sentence with, “What you need to do is…” What I need to do is throw you out of my car. While I’m driving.
The Eeyore, who starts every day with ears down and, “It’s gonna rain.” No matter how good your news is or how great the day has been, Eeyore will find a way to prick your balloon. “I just won the lottery!” “The tax department is going to take half.” “I just got these fabulous boots on sale for $250!” “They had them down the street for $175.” “I’m thinking of getting my hair cut short.” “If you don’t like it, it’ll take forever to grow back.” While this can be adorable in a children’s book character, it’s annoying in an adult.
The bombshell. While undeniably beautiful, she dresses to showcase every asset. Everything she wears looks like date night at the MILF Motel, and if there’s a man within a two-mile radius, she’ll be working her moves. It doesn’t matter if he’s married, barely out of high school, or in a wheelchair. She needs constant validation of her desirability, and if her flirting with your hubs bothers you, well, you should try harder to look like her and maybe he wouldn’t stray. These women were the originators of the bathroom brawl.
Most of us have met and befriended these women at some point in our lives. If we’re lucky, they’re now just memories. And they helped shape the fabulous friendships we have today. For that, we’re grateful. But I’m still not accepting her friend request on Facebook.
um
is it wrong that more than TOSSING FROM THE BOAT Im now sitting and about to reread to be certain *I* am not any of these??
:-)
Carla, you crack me up! We’ve probably all been one of them at some point. Hopefully, we can recognize now and STOP THAT. :)
wow there are so many of them! I’ve had (notice HAD) a few of these rolled into one friend but I’m getting older and wiser and I’ve quietly jettisoned a few less than ideal friends. It’s funny because I’m doing a post on getting rid of a friend of two on Wednesday (great minds!!)
Leanne, this is an timely topic for midlifers. Can’t wait to read your post!
This is a good reminder of how NOT to be a friend. I mean, I can’t help being a bombshell. HAHAHAHA. Yeah..just kidding.
Michelle, yeah, it’s tough to be the hottest woman in the room. Then again, how would I know?? :)
Love this post!!!
Thanks, Pamela! Loved that you stopped by and commented! :)
I’ve definitely had a few of these and I *might* have actually been sort of one but realized many years ago thats not who I wanted to be.
Now it’s only positive friends who are for me and I am for them.
Doreen, that’s me too! Now I recognize it, and am more willing to cut it loose. Choose to be happy! :)
Oh my so true….thing is, it is not only friends…but I recognize some relatives in there!
Joy, I was thinking of the occasionally relation when I was writing this, but I admit nothing… :)
I just recently “tossed one out of the boat”—but it is harder than I thought…there’s history, you know? jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
I know, Jodie. We keep thinking somehow it will be good again. But after a few years, it might be time to get realistic and move on. Hard, though! :)
I’ve known quite a few of these and most I’m related too! There are a few I’d love to throw out of a moving car!
Funny, Rena! Yes, a boat if I still kind of like you; a moving car if I just don’t give a damn anymore! :)
I’ve had my share of a few of these, and as I read the comments I see I’m not the only one. Of course with your funny bent on it now we can laugh at it all!
Thanks, Cathy! I’m glad you could see the humor. I’m undoubtedly going to get chastised by someone who takes me too seriously! :)
The older I get the easier it is to say, “Go F*** yourself to these people.
I think you nailed them all, except for maybe a few a-holes of the hairier gender.
Thanks, Cranky! I agree, every year it gets easier to choose your “circle.” :)
Ah yes, I have friends that fit every one of these descriptions… they can still be good friends, I just don’t pay attention or take it personally anymore :).
Trish, that’s the best way to handle it, and I admire your ability to do that. I crash and burn with the first “What is WRONG with you??” :)
I *have* tossed some of these out of the boat. Unfortunately, some of these resemble members of my family, who I can’t entirely jettison, but I can and do move to the *other* end of the boat.
Life is too short to spend much time with people who make us feel like crap.
You’re right, Beverly! Life is definitely too short. I totally understand moving to the other side of the boat. Sometimes it’s hard to just walk away. :)
Yeah, I jettisoned an Eeyore about 10 years ago after YEARS of friendship. One other type to add to the list – The Competitor: no matter what you do, she has to either pull you down or trot out her wins to prove she is BETTER in everything.
Kymberly, oooh, I’ve been friends with a competitor! It was EXHAUSTING, and I finally gave up. She won. I was gone. :)
We’ve moved so often I’ve met every one of these in more than one city. The good part is, I learned as I moved along and created my own little checklist so I didn’t have to endure them more than once. There’s an Eeyore in every city I’ve lived in and they are the easiest to spot and avoid! No Debby Downers in my life… no no no~!
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That’s true, Barbara! Eeyores are everywhere. What is that all about?? I just want to say, “You’re healthy, your life is good. What is wrong now??” :)
I think I’ve managed to be every one of those people at one time and I’ve also had every one of them as friends. One of the true blessings of getting older is the freedom you finally feel to spend whatever time you have left with people who make you feel good. My Mum always used to say ‘spend your time with people who leave you uplifted, and not because they’re leaving’. Found you through Grand Social. :)
Tamuria, your mother is absolutely right. It’s great that we finally understand what she means! :)
So funny and so true. My favorite lines “What I need to do is throw you out of my car. While I’m driving.” I’ve weeded out most of these types, but I’m stuck with a big-time “expert” these days due to a business situation and the resulting forced socializing. You are so right–she starts every line with “Now what you need to do…” when you weren’t even asking for advice. Gee, if I could just get her to ride to the next meeting in my car… ;-)
Lee, that’s funny! Sometimes we just have to laugh at the visual of what we WOULD do if only we could! :)
You nailed so many of them. I admire anyone who can write with humor. Thanks for sharing. I would create another category, not as funny as your takes, though. The EGO — the one who always wants you to climb aboard HER train–charity, walk, house party whatever–but when you ask her to climb aboard yours, she’s nowhere to be found.
Ooh, Beth, I’ll add that to my next chapter! I’ve met several people who are “all about me,” but when you ask for help with YOUR cause or project, it’s “Oh, I’d love too, but I’m getting my gerbil’s woo-hoo bikini waxed that day. Sorry!” By the third gerbil, I’m out of the friendship. :)
I’ve experienced some of your examples but I’ve found as I’ve grown older and grumpier, I have pretty much eliminated any kind of problems with friends. It’s a little lonely, but overall it’s working out pretty well for me. LOL.
Molly, I’ve discovered that sometimes lonely is the lesser of the two places to be. A good book and a glass of wine is more relaxing than listening to a friend repeat the struggles she’s been having with her douche hubs since 2003, with itemized lists of the 976 reasons she can never leave him. Sigh…
You had me at, “Yes, we’ve been friends since junior high, or we’ve worked together for three years, or maybe we’re family, but you’re also kind of a bitch…”
Lord, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve thought that.
Cary, I’m with you! I have a house rule that someone gave me on a fridge magnet. “Be nice or Leave.” Just says it all! :)
Oh my I have had them all! I honest to God don’t think men see it in their women co-workers, friends, neighbors or family. Just because you are related does not give you a free pass is my mantra from this outlaw.
I agree, Haralee! It’s amazing that we think we can beat the emotional crap out of our relatives and then be stunned when they summarily dump our asses. Yes, you can break up with family. :)
You nailed it! I’m soooo tired of crappy friends!! The great part about being a bit older, is I can now spot them in about 3 notes. . . so if they get past the first verse, my bad! Thanks for an entertaining post!
Kimberly
You’re welcome, Kimberly! I’m surprised at how many people this resonated with. Maybe we’re just getting older and more firm about who we share our lives with! :)
So true, so true! And why do we still call them friends? This was written, as always, with your awesome humor and insightfulness. Love you! We will reprint this one on BA50 asap!
Love you too, Ms. Ronna! Thrilled that you want to post it on BA50! :)
And then there’s the Multiple–the one who embodies more than one of these personalities. Those are the ones you tie an anchor around before tossing them out of the boat. And you go into Witness Protection. Great post as always, Vikki!
Roxanne, you just made me burst out laughing (at work)! Yes, the multiple personalities DO need an anchor. And depending on who we’re tossing, Witness Protection is a strong possibility! :)
I think I’m now just down to one Eeyore and a couple flakes. Although the flakes never plan the events. They do get excited and say they’ll “for sure” be there, but they’ll be a no show almost every time….with some big long excuse. No fret, I don’t save their seat.
Karen, I agree! One friend has canceled at the last minute so many time, I don’t even count her in the table setting for dinner. If she ever shows up, I’m going to have to explain why I didn’t set her a place or get her a chair! :)
Nailed this one perfectly!! I’ve just started tossing these “friendships” to the curb lately. Life is too short for drama queens and manipulators.
Great list! Loved your humorous take on it. I can relate to a few of those.
I’ll add one more (one I’m personally dealing with) –
The me,me, me.
She’s the friend who can talk your ear off for 1 1/2 hours about what’s going on in her life. Her marriage, her kids, her other friends, her vacations. And then quickly asks – ‘so what’s going on with you? Whoops, I have to go now, my husband is calling and I have to get this. Bye”. And even if you do get a few minutes to let her know your life is a little more exciting than last week’s laundry, you know she hasn’t heard a word you’ve said and never asks you about it again.
I’m all about being a good listener, but I like a little give-n-take in the conversation. :)
Enjoying your humor about friends and exploring your blog.