Several years ago, around the mid-70s, Gail Sheehy wrote a book called “Passages,” where she described the various stages we go through during the decades between our 20s through our 50s. It was wildly popular, and is still a top seller to people looking to understand the emotional process of aging.
Ms. Sheehy kind of wraps it up around 50, but I think that some of the most dramatic changes happen after that. We start getting senior discounts. AARP starts stalking us with monthly applications for membership. And menopause is keeping us busy with hot flashes, mood swings, fatigue, and chronic bitchiness to anybody within a 25-foot radius.
One of the most difficult transitions often occurs during late menopause, when we realize that we are no longer “sexy” to anyone under 70. Sure, they may call us “pretty,” or even “beautiful.” But flattering physical descriptions now end with the dreaded qualifier “for her age.” “She looks great, for 65,” or “She’s still gorgeous, for her age.”
It’s no secret that we live in a society that worships youth. Our social barometer for “hot” includes tanned skin, perky boobs, tights abs, cellulite-free butts, and legs like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. The only good news is that as baby boomers got older, we collectively raised the bar to include “cougars,” “MILFs,” and even “GILFs,” meaning sexually attractive women up to the age of 45-50.
But there comes a time when our 26-year-old son’s friends start seeing us less as Mrs. Robinson from The Graduate, and more Ms. Cunningham from Happy Days. Our match.com profile would primarily attract men who could lecture about prostate malfunctions and the merits of Cialis vs. Viagra better than the local pharmacist. Yes, we’ve reached the age where we must gracefully concede that our youthful hotness has left the building and is not coming back. (Demi Moore, are you listening?)
But how do you know if it’s time? Watch for these signs:
1. You buy your underwear for comfort rather than foreplay. It’s full butt, no frills, with a little spandex for firming your Buddha Belly and your jiggly butt. Hubs has seen you in them, and you don’t care.
2. You’re buying a new convertible, in black, because the red one makes you feel like a 60-something woman trolling for a job at Hooters.
3. You’re the oldest person in your office. And your age and medical condition raise your co-worker’s group healthcare premiums.
4. You’ve stopped flirting with the UPS guy because even thinking about an affair is exhausting. You’d rather take a nap.
5. You have 15 pairs of reading glasses, because you like your accessories to match your outfit.
6. Your grandkids set you up on Twitter, but you never use it, because to “tweet” someone sounds slightly pornographic.
7. You have grandkids.
8. You saw a nose/ear hair trimmer at Walgreens, and you considered buying it.
9. Pajama Pants begin to look like an actual clothing option. In public.
10. Your Saturday night plans take in to account Sunday morning. Recovery time becomes the determining factor in the festivities agenda.
11. $85 for a moisturizer that promises to smooth fine lines and “take years of your face” seems reasonable.
12. A night of board games, in your fleece jammies with Hubs, is more appealing than a night out on the town.
13. You got a Snuggie for Christmas, and you love it.
14. You’ve developed a sudden obsession with gardening. This is often accompanied, during the winter, by an uncontrollable need to collect Chia Pets.
15. The hair on your head and on your legs is thinning, but now you’re finding stubby black strays coming from your chin, your nose, and “OMG, is that one sprouting out of my nipple??” (see #8)
16. You have morning aches and pains, but you didn’t do anything physical the day before. And you’ve stopped telling people it’s “pulled muscle.”
17. Doctors, lawyers, and policemen all start to look 17. Seriously, were they all child protégées?
18. Daily naps take the place of daily workouts. Naps make you happy.
19. Shopping sprees that used to focus on LBDs and stilettos are now hunts for yoga pants and running shoes. Even though you already have eight pairs of yoga pants. In black.
20. Your Kegal exercises are more about bladder control than sex. Hubs is thrilled, but we’re not telling.
21. You can no longer pass the “Pencil Test,” (Place a pencil horizontally under your butt cheek and see whether it falls to the ground or if your droopy cheeks hold it up.) The last time you tried it, you could hold 3 magic markers under one cheek alone. Winning.
22. You must consciously resist the overwhelming urge to slap the next 22-year-old Barbie who insists that she wants to “grow old naturally.” Just you wait, Babs. Someday this body will be yours.
23. Your legs have more red and blue lines than the American flag, and you’re afraid to wear white because everyone will assume you’re a runway float ornament from the 4th of July parade.
24. You started keeping copious To-Do lists around the house once it became apparent that the only thing you can remember to do is eat.
25. You go to bed at 8:30 every night. Friends and family know that there’s no fire or blood, don’t call after 8 p.m.
26. You discover sex, in the afternoon and without alcohol, is pretty damn good.
When I turned 50, my father mentioned that “You know you’re officially old when you turn 50.” “No,” I replied, “you know you’re officially old when your kids turn 50.” Boom.
:-) It is coming here. Except I am on my way to becoming the crazy canine lady :-)
I would be too, Carla! 60 years old with a dozen Chihuahuas! :)
I was crazy before I got the cats!
yep – the whole cat thing is happening here + yoga pants + fleecie jarmy pants if I can get away with it on cold evenings! And I failed the pencil test with my boobs too – ski slopes hold a lot of magic markers! Nice to have a chuckle at the “joys” of ageing!
Thanks, Leanne! Oh, the boob test…That one is humbling! :)
# 24 pretty much sums it up for me. And, of course, when I absolutely have to face condensing and discarding those lists, it only makes me hungry.
I’m starting to be able to relate to a lot of these . . .
Leslie, it’s true, we get our best work from our own experiences. Ouch! :)
Standing around at our last 73 picnic ( a month ago, where were you) chatting with one of the OMG super cute guys from high school (D. Herman, you know those eyes) about, (gasp) our colonoscopies!! His Wife was chasing the grandchild, who I might add has those Eyes!
Cate, wow, conversations sure change over time, don’t they? :)
Yep! Now that I’m officially on medicare I have to agree with you. Looking forward to going to my husband’s 50th reunion so I can be the youngest woman in the room.
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Oooh, I love those events, Barbara! Alas, there few and far between! :)
I don’t see anything wrong with becoming a crazy cat lady!
Haralee, I’m with you! There’s nothing wrong with it. We just like to know that we’ve “arrived”! :)
Blessed are the yoga pants. I feel I’m dressing up when I put on jeans. Such are the delights of passing beyond the Cougar stage. or around it.
Me too! When I wear anything other than yoga pants (bike shorts, capri length, or to the ankle, I have them all), Hubs asks “Are we going out?” :)
So true, except for the chia pet thing. I have the black yoga pants, although my favorite outfit now is black jeans.
MerCyn, I just got a fabulous pair of black jeans. This could get me out of my rut! :)
This is hilarious! Unfortunately, I can relate to some lol!!
Thanks, Christina! It was fun to write! :)
I’m 46, and AARP are already stalking me! Please let me hang on to my 40’s (youth lol), just a little longer.
Dina, those AARP people are relentless. Took a few years, but we finally caved and joined. I’m not quite ready to put their decal on my car. :)
You are so funny. I especially like the red and blue legs looking like the flag. It’s all so true,but you just take it in stride and laugh a lot.
Linda, what other choice do we have? :)
And to add just a couple of points…
# 2 – you bought a sexy little mustang when you and Hubs split… and then trade it in for an Impala after you discover getting out of the damn thing pisses off your back.
# 15 – And least we forget those grey chin hairs!… why didn’t someone tell me about those suckers?
#21 – The days of wearing a sexy little strapless summer top are gone. There is no architect in the world that can develop a bra to hold the girls where they are supposed to be.
#24… or are so forgetful you FORGET to eat (Yea… I know.. it takes a special kinda stupid)
#26…. sex.. in the afternoon, without alcohol…. is a perfect time for a nap :)
Susan, I like your style! Yeah, and who forgets to eat?? :)
Uh…. that would be me (hanging head in shame)…. you would think I would be able to wear skinny jeans or something…. but noooooooooooo!
OMG, all of this but without the cat. Hot flashes are exhausting. I’m always tired. I never sleep between 3-5am. Sigh…Thanks, Vikki for a fun post!
Thanks, Lisa! I’m with you. Why can’t I sleep at 3 a.m., when it’s all I want to do at 3 p.m.?? :)
Oh Gawd, you just described me! Am now going to do the “pencil test.”
Sandra, that’s a humbling one! We now call it the “How many pencils can your boob hold?” test! :)
Vikki–I am in a writing workshop and tried to write about not being perceived as sexy anymore and how the first thing my college boyfriend told me when he saw me after 35 years was that I looked like my mother–but your piece is much funnier! Thanks for helping us keep a sense of humor.
You’re welcome, Claire! Men have never understood that “You look like your mother” is rarely a compliment. Even is she’s gorgeous, she’s 20+ years older than you! :)
I’ve been a maiden and a mother, but I’m not quite ready to be a crone. Thanks for making me smile on a dreary day.
I have been like this for the last 10 years.. my kids are not even grown yet hehe.
Yoga pants and running shoes shopping sprees…yes! The black car instead of the red…yes! Thanks for writing. I like your smiling spin on things.
I’m so old I lost the will to resist the constant barrage from AARP, and even signed up for three years to keep them off my back. Now I find I enjoy the magazine. Haha! I loved this post. Your list is hilarious and right on!