Spending much of my adult life in retail, I’ve come to the conclusion that many women don’t know when it’s time to let go of an era and move gracefully to the next chapter. (And I’m not throwing stones. I recently bequeathed a few clothing favorites to my DIL, after viewing the unfortunate photos from last summer’s family bbq, that I apparently should have passed on years ago.) I’ve seen 40-year-olds wearing their daughter’s low-rise skinny jeans and 50-year-olds wearing inexplicably short skirts and knee-high boots.
Let’s face it. We all struggle with aging and the inevitable visible signs of the permanent passage of our youth. But ultimately, we need to accept that what’s hot when you’re 20 can make you look like a cougar at 30, a MILF at 40, and an aging hooker at 50.
So to help clear this up for the 50+ crowd, I’ve compiled a list of signs that it might be time to consider passing the baton to the next generation of MILFs and start rocking your middle-aged years.
1. You know that look on a man’s face when he meets you for the first time and you know he’s thinking “Hmmm…Maybe”? Yeah, that look. You haven’t seen that on any guy under 70 since 2012.
2. Your son’s friends no longer tell him how hot his mother is. They refer to you as ma’am, and they help carry your groceries not because they’re trying to impress you, but because they’re afraid you’ll fall and hurt yourself.
3. Your plastic surgeon asks, “Why did you wait so long??” and offers a complimentary lipo procedure with your tummy tuck because, well, he cares about you.
4. The 12-year-old at the cosmetics counter starts recommending expensive creams for those “nasty age spots” and lines around your eyes.
5. Waiters and store clerks no longer ask you for your ID, even as a flirty joke. And if you suggest it, they just look confused.
6. You buy your bras at Bra World rather than Victoria’s Secret, with underwires, side panels, and wide straps, to hoist those tired Beanie Babies up and out. This is no longer about foreplay. This is war. Us against gravity. Guess who wins?
7. You own at least six different styles of Spanx, including the full-body seaweed wrap, but you rarely wear them because, quite frankly, it’s just not that important anymore.
8. Makeup now needs new techniques that often require professional instruction. Skip it altogether, and five decades of questionable lifestyle choices (baby oil tanning, too much alcohol and too little exercise, bad food choices, stressful careers, and shared parenting with your ex-husband, The Douche, and his 26-year-old wife, Porn Star Barbie) are imprinted on our faces for all the world to see. Spackle it on in an attempt to cover any possible signs of aging and we become real-life Cruella de Ville, with foundation falling into our lines, lipstick bleeding into the crevices around our lips, and eyeshadow glittering like a child’s school craft project.
9. We still work out, but the parts we used to skip (the warm-up, the cool-down, and the stretching) are now the reason we’re there. Yesterday’s spinning class is now Tai Chi, followed by a nap. It’s less about achieving peach-pit butts (who are we kidding?) than about being able to bend over far enough to put on our socks without breaking a sweat.
10. Every story you tell about anything that happened before 1990 ends with “Can you believe that was 25 years ago?? It seems like yesterday!”
11. Sales clerks stopped asking years ago if you and your adult daughter are sisters, and everyone assumes any child with you under 15 is your grandchild.
12. Sex is still great, but you’ve taken down the trapeze and the stripper pole. When the body parts swing one way and the support structures swing another, it’s time to explore new options. Preferably ones that don’t require gymnastics-level flexibility, thong underwear, more than one glass of wine, or participation after 10 p.m.
13. People see old photos of you and exclaim, “You look so young here! When was this taken??”
14. You go to your high school reunion and everybody looks so old. Then you realize they’re the same age as you.
15. Your online dating profile gets double the hits after you add “Previous senior caregiving” to the Experience field.
16. Any attempt to flirt with the 20-something hot checker at the local supermarket makes you look less like a cougar and more like a crazy cat lady.
17. The pretty pink flower you had tattooed right above your left butt cheek has grown with your hips over the years, and now resembles a weird, drooping gladiola painted on your ass.
18. Your Kegal exercises are less about improving your sex life and more about controlling bladder leakage every time you laugh.
19. Your metabolism has slowed to the point where you have to choose between wine and carbohydrates to avoid looking like a Puffer fish. You haven’t had a bagel in two years.
20. When your man asks you for a “back rub,” that’s really all he wants.
21. When you lament the passage of your youth, you’re talking about your 40s.
22. You and your best shopping buddy now spend more time at Carter’s for (Grand)Kids than at Nordstrom.
23. Dinner with another couple is spent talking about bodily ailments, upcoming surgeries, grandkids, and retirement plans. And you’re all home by 9.
24. For your anniversary, Hubs gives you a day at the spa, which essentially means you’re spending the day alone. And you’re thrilled.
25. Your kids turn 50. ‘Nuf said.
Last weekend, Hubs and I were sitting with a group of friends at a local winery, swapping raucous stories about misspent youth and the hilarious hardships of aging. As one grizzly older gentleman, who shall remain nameless, was recounting an enthusiastic, entertaining tale about getting older in a society that worships youth, sending all of us into fits of laughter, he looked over at me with a broad smile and shouted over the crowd, “Well, you know what I mean, right?!”
And there’s my sign.
This was hilarious. And I do know what you are talking about. Ellen
Oh MY! Sadly, yes, I can relate to way too many of those! At least I could smile and laugh out loud through these!!
Vikki, I’d love to be inside your brain. I know it must be a really fun place! You hit every single point head on and hilariously!
Thanks, Carol! I’m laughing at your comment, because Hubs says inside my brain must be a very scary place! Loved your post today. Shared! :)
I might be a crazy cat lady!
Cate, I love crazy cat ladies! They’re irreverent and usually know all the local gossip. So go ahead and get that 15th cat! :)
My brain read that last paragraph as out with friends at local “whinery” – hmmm, where’s my sign? (P.s. I totally relate to #18!)
You make me laugh. And laugh. And then I worry about getting old because I’ve wet myself laughing… and I’m only 23. You. Are. Awesome.
Ah for the sometimes good ole days! But we have to accept the fact “we all grow old” leave the fun, good stuff to the youngens’! Not that we can’t still have our fun & games, just in a different way. Slower, more thought out & more time with girlfriends seems to be the norm! We are all still that flirty, sexy girl if only in our head!
I agree, Cheryl! We’re all still young and flirty in our own heads. And I’m taking that for a win! :)
So, hypothetically, in your professional opinion, at what age should one stop wearing their winter Hello Kitty hat with the cute little ear flaps? 45? 60?
Jenn, I was thinking age 4, but what the hell do I know? :) If you love it, WEAR IT!
You are hilarious as usual. Special loved the line about hoisting those tired Beanie Babies up and out. Where do come up with your ideas?
Thanks, Pat! They just fall out of my brain sometimes (which often scares my family! :)
Hell I’m not even 50 yet and all of this is happening! Great post as usual Vikki!
Thanks, Rena! Loved your post this morning, too. Shared! Is this fun or what? :)
Was this like a checklist test where the more you truthfully select the better your score will be? Because if so, I just totally aced this test! I checked all of the above. :) Bless you Vikki for making aging seem less painful by making me laugh hysterically at in instead! Your posts absolutely make my day!
My pleasure, Marcia! I love that you are so encouraging! And if I can make you laugh, I’m happy. :)
Thank you for the great laugh this morning!!
Anytime, Sharon! You’re welcome! :)
Yup, that’s me….and that’s me…OK, I’m old, know it, don’t deny it, but still have trouble figuring out what clothes I can wear and what makes me look ridiculous. I probably shouldn’t wear summer clothes. Luckily I live in a climate with four seasons.
MerCyn, I’m still waiting for the day when it really doesn’t matter anymore and I can live out my dottage in Hawaiin mu-mus and flip flops. But given that my mother is 20 years old than me and still stylin’, it’s not coming anytime soon! :)
Ha! Loved this. And very glad I still have 2 years to wear my low-rise jeans before I start looking ridiculous. If anyone asks why, I’m gonna say Vikki said I had till age 50! Fun post. Thanks!
That’s right, Norine. Do it now or forever hold your waistband back up around your waistline! And you look hot in your low-risers, btw, you tiny thing! :)
Oh my God. This was one of your BEST. The “can I see your ID? Ha ha…” and “when was that taken?” SO SO SO TRUE!!!
Thanks, Susan! It was a fun one to write! :)
Sadly and happily I resonated to nearly all the signs!
You have confirmed that I am no longer a milf. oh well.
Sorry, buddy, no more MILF for you. But I’m sure you have photos! :)
I’m pretty sure you are still a MILF! You look awesome in your head shot. I would have said 40, but since you write about these topics, you must be at least 41 ;o) This was hilarious. I love #20!
Susan, isn’t Photoshop wonderful? :) And I love that you think I look 40. That was one of my favorite birthdays (“all grown up,” but still “young”!)
Spot on funny lady! Love it!
Thanks, Goddess! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines! :)
HAHAHA— what does it say about me if I have purchased my bras at Costco….(the prices are excellent…)
Ronna, you crack me up! If I remember correctly, Costco doesn’t have changing rooms. So you’re either buying them on good faith or trying them on in the aisle? Either way, I’m in awe… :)
all so true
Thanks, Connie! Love seeing you on Laugh Lines. Thanks for stopping by! :)
I am ROLLING! LOL. I am nearly two decades away from this, I must admit. . . BUT, I can picture each & every one of these! And, fighting the passing of a season in life? Well, that can happen at any age & I am GUILTY! You’re a hoot, Vikki!
Thank you, Vikki, for making me laugh out loud again :) I love #8 because this is one of my biggest uphill battles…crow’s feet, age spots and a face that is sagging like a Bassett hound. At least you can help us all share a laugh about it!
Thanks, Julie! “Making me laugh out loud.” Sweetest words a humor writer can hear! :)
Defy gravity oh beanie babies! Feel free to post those photos of you in the clothes you bequeathed.
Kymberly, no, no, no. You do NOT want to see me in my low-rise jean and crop top (well, maybe you do, but I’ve made a bonfire out of them. Some things can’t be unseen). Thanks for commenting! :)
Just too funny. I had dinner with friends of many years and their adult kids were there as we talked about when this or that happened and yes it was over 20 years ago or more when one son blurted I am 32. Talk about a downer kid into reality because the incident we all remember clearly was before he was born!
Thanks, Haralee! So glad you liked the post, even though the subject gets a little painful for us sometimes! :)
I’m embracing aging. I’m not afraid to tell anyone my age. Been 36 since I can’t remember when. What were we talking about again?
Kelly, you crack me up! You know exactly how I feel! :)
Oh Vicki, you’re hilarious! (as usual)
Oh my… I’m loving these and can’t pick which one applies best.. sharing.
I’m a MILF…..I AM STILL A MILF
I’m putting my fingers in my ears and insisting. and our oldest is only 31
#embracethecougar – it’s a movement/state of mind. Thx for a great, fun read.
I took a stretching class at the gym today. Stretching! Does that even count as exercise? It was hard and I feel at least ten years younger, so I’m saying yes.
I love this list. I feel / know / have experienced every single thing here. What? Maybe I don’t love this list. It made me laugh in spite of making me feel my age.
I’m elated to find that I’m not the only one.. and sad that I can relate to almost every single one of these. You’re awesome!