Having Sex in Your Car? The State of Michigan Salutes You

 

I love human nature. We are one crazy-ass creation that I’m reasonably certain is not exactly what the Big Guy intended.

My favorite morning news highlights are the reports about some idiot who got pulled over the previous night for a possible DUI. This guy skidded over to the side of the road, jumped out, and ran into the bushes, leaving his wife, infant son, and his mother in the car to hand over the registration (yep, with his address), right before Wifey drove to her attorney’s office to divorce Mr. Every-Man-for-Himself, while his mother was trying to figure out what she did wrong during the pregnancy that caused her to produce possibly the stupidest child on the planet.

I can’t explain it, but these kinds of stories just crack me up. What was Stupid Guy thinking??

A friend recently sent me a link to laws on the books around the country that had me laughing out loud as I tried to visualize what the hell the regulating States had in mind when they were voting.

Highlighting my favorites, it occurred to me that someday, when our children are telling their children about rallying to support gay marriage and the legalization of marijuana, our generation’s legacy is going to be about petitioning to repeal a law (see Alaska) that prevents us from knocking back a cold one at the Beer Belly’s Saloon & Day Spa with our favorite moose. Go Grandma and Grandpa.

(Personally, I think that if a 50-year-old consenting person and an adult moose want to share a pitcher of margaritas and sing bad country songs together, it’s between the two of them, and as long as the human promises not to let the moose drink and drive, people should mind their own damn business.)

And since I’ve always believed that some days, it’s good for the soul to get a little silly, I’m sharing a few.

Maryland: No person who is a tramp or a vagrant shall loiter in any park at any time. “Tramp” wasn’t specifically defined, so we’re a little fuzzy on whether they’re referring to a slutty/vagrant split personality, a slut or a vagrant, or simply a homeless man who slept with Mrs. Bagbottom, the Senator’s wife, making them the posters kids for what a vagrant and a tramp look like. Senator Bagbottom (“Baggy” to his constituents) was reportedly partially vindicated by his legal ability to force the canoodling couple to take it across the border to Delaware.

California: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you own at least two cows. So that rockin’ pair of Frye cowboy boots you bought at Nordstorm last week? You’re going to need a photo of a couple of cows, in case you get pulled over.

Rhode Island: Any marriage where either party is an idiot is null and void. The local courthouse must be a proverbial beehive of activity, as pissed-off spouses storm the gates after every marital spat (“She paid $150 for that haircut! $150! For that.” “Yeah, but he thinks that 19-year-old waitress at Mack’s 18-Wheel Truck Stop & Diner is hot for his 60-year-old body. Bahahahaha!”), each proving beyond question that the other one is, in fact, an idiot.

Ohio: It’s illegal to get a fish drunk. I’m a bit confused as to how you’d get the little vertebrate up onto a bar stool for Jello shots. But if you want to party with a fish, go for it. Just remember, staunch denial of his drunken state is your best defense. It’s not like they can ask him to say the alphabet backwards.

Missouri: Clotheslines are banned, but clothes may be draped over a fence. Which explains how my neighbor came to borrow my underwear. Yeah, you can keep those.

Idaho: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects the naked occupants of gettin’ busy with it, he must either honk or flash his lights, then wait three minutes before approaching the car (presumably to let the tangled couple find their clothes or at least throw a blanket over their you-knows.) If you haven’t had sex in a while, this might be sufficient time to git ‘er done, get dressed, and share a cigarette. Idaho has one classy police department.

Kansas: If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. Uh… Nope. I got nothing. Rumor has it there are still two trains in a standoff that have been parked since 1865.

Alaska: It’s considered an offense to feed alcohol to a moose. What is it with States and their need to keep their wildlife sober?

Alabama: Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. This one was written by men who still used the word “deflower,” leading me to believe that any woman from that era is most likely no longer a virgin, and has five adult children. So to her deflower-er (okay, I made that word up, but you can’t do much with “deflower”), you can come out of hiding now.

Utah: A man is responsible for any criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. Now that we can work with. If hubby cheats on you, you can run over his mistress in your Durango, and as long as he was there when it happened, he’s responsible. It’s what we call a “two-fer.”

Massachusetts: A woman cannot be on top in sexual activities. I’m not sure how anyone would actually know where either of you were positioned while you were getting your freaky on, but after age 50, women have taken care of that problem. (Why? Lay a mirror on the floor, and kneel down over it on all fours. Look down. Gravity at its peak, baby. Neither hubby nor law enforcement will ever see you in that position again.)

Georgia: Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. I’m baffled as to why you’d have a donkey and what the hell it would be doing in your bathtub, but you need to know that this will not be tolerated in the great State of Georgia.

Michigan: Public indecency is generally not tolerated, but is not actually illegal if it’s on your property. Specifically, if you want to have sex in your car, it must be performed in your driveway. Which explains all the cars going up and down like kids’ bouncy castles in the neighborhood every night after 10 p.m.

New Mexico: Woman may walk around in public topless, provided they have their nipples covered. Since they don’t regulate what qualifies as “nipple coverage,” I’m just going to use my belt, since that’s where my nipples usually hang out.

And my all-time fave…

Texas: Criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours’ notice, either orally or in writing, explaining the nature of the crime they’re going to commit against them. (How can you not love this one??) “Hello, Mrs. Obermeyer? This is Ted. Remember, your plumber? Me and a few of my home-boys are coming over tomorrow night to boost that cool 70-inch flat screen you and hubby just bought. Yeah, we should be there about 9, so if you two could maybe go to dinner or something so none of us get hurt, that would be super. Sound good to you?” It didn’t address whether or not the victim is legally required to reply, but I think that would be the polite thing to do.