I love human nature. We are one crazy-ass creation that I’m reasonably certain is not exactly what the Big Guy intended.
My favorite morning news highlights are the reports about some idiot who got pulled over the night before for a possible DUI, who skidded over to the side of the road, then jumped out and ran into the bushes, leaving his wife and baby in the car to hand over the registration (yep, with his address), right before wifey drove to her attorney’s office to divorce Mr. Every-Man-for-Himself, while his mother was trying to figure out what she did wrong during the pregnancy that obviously produced the stupidest child on the planet.
I can’t explain it, but these kinds of stories just crack me up.
But as we all know, there are two sides to every story (except maybe for Stupid Guy above). A friend recently sent me a link to laws still on the books around the country, that had me laughing out loud for days as I visualized what the regulating States had in mind when they were voting. And since I’ve always believed that laughter is best when it’s shared, here are a few of my favorites.
Maryland: No person who is a tramp or a vagrant shall loiter in any park at any time. “Tramp” wasn’t actively defined, so we’re not sure here if they’re referring to a slutty vagrant, a slut or a vagrant, or simply a homeless guy who slept with the mayor’s wife, making him a vagrant and her a tramp, who are both now banned from hanging out in the town park together.
California: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you own at least two cows. So that rocking pair of Frye cowboy boots you bought last week? You’re going to need a photo of your cows, in case you get pulled over.
Rhode Island: Any marriage where either party is an idiot is null and void. The local courthouse must be a proverbial beehive of activity, as pissed-off spouses come in waves after every marital spat, bearing proof (“She just paid 150 bucks for that stupid haircut!” “Yeah, well he thinks that 18-year-old waitress is hot for his 60-year-old body. Not even on a bet, buddy!”) that the other one is, in fact, an idiot.
Florida: Men may not be seen publicly in a strapless gown. With the Kardashian empire crumbling, all we know for sure is that after Kris and Bruce Jenner finalize their divorce, Bruce won’t be moving to Florida.
Ohio: It’s illegal to get a fish drunk. I’m a bit confused as to how you’d get the little vertebrate up into the boat for jello shots. But if you want to party with a fish, denial of his drunken state is your best defense. It’s not like they can ask him to say the alphabet backwards.
Missouri: Clotheslines are banned, but clothes may be draped over a fence. Which explains how my neighbor came to borrow my underwear. Yeah, you can keep those.
Idaho: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk or flash his lights, then wait three minutes before approaching the car. Idaho has one classy police department. And if you haven’t had sex in a while, you’ve got enough time to git ‘er done, get dressed, and share a cigarette.
Kansas: If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. Uh…Nope. I got nothing. Rumor has it that there are still two trains in a standoff that have been there since 1865.
Alaska: It’s considered an offense to feed alcohol to a moose. What is it with States and their need to keep their wildlife sober?
Alabama: Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. This one was written by men who still used the word “deflower,” leading me to believe that any woman that this applied to is no longer a virgin (possibly several times over), and her deflower-er (okay, I made that word up) can come out of hiding.
Utah: A husband is responsible for any criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. Awesome. (Although Hubs immediately declared we’re never living in Utah. Ever.)
Massachusetts: A woman cannot be on top in sexual activities. I’m not sure how anyone would find out where either one of you were while doing the freaky thing, but after age 50, that’s not our best position anyway. (Why not? you ask. Lay a mirror on the floor, then get down on it on all fours. Look down. You’ll never be seen in that position again.)
Georgia: Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. I’m confused as to why you’d have a donkey and what the hell it would be doing in your bathtub, but you need to know this will not be tolerated in the great State of Georgia.
New Mexico: Woman may walk in public topless, provided they have their nipples covered. Since they didn’t regulate what qualifies as “nipple coverage,” I’m just going to use my belt, since that’s where my nipples usually hang out.
And my all-time fave…
Texas: Criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, explaining the nature of the crime they’re going to commit. How can you not LOVE this one? “Hello, Mrs. Obermeyer, this is Ted. Remember, your plumber? Me and some other dudes are coming over tomorrow night to boost that awesome 60-inch flat screen you and Hubs just bought. Yeah, we should be there about 9, so you may want to go out or something so none of us gets hurt. Sound good to you?”
So for any of you planning a road trip, feel free to keep this list on hand for reference. But if you do get arrested for any of the above infractions, we’re looking forward to an immediate blog post, with photos. We’ll post your bail.