I love human nature. We are one crazy-ass creation that I’m reasonably certain is not exactly what the Big Guy intended.
My favorite morning news highlights are the reports about some idiot who got pulled over the night before for a possible DUI, who skidded over to the side of the road, then jumped out and ran into the bushes, leaving his wife and baby in the car to hand over the registration (yep, with his address), right before wifey drove to her attorney’s office to divorce Mr. Every-Man-for-Himself, while his mother was trying to figure out what she did wrong during the pregnancy that obviously produced the stupidest child on the planet.
I can’t explain it, but these kinds of stories just crack me up.
But as we all know, there are two sides to every story (except maybe for Stupid Guy above). A friend recently sent me a link to laws still on the books around the country, that had me laughing out loud for days as I visualized what the regulating States had in mind when they were voting. And since I’ve always believed that laughter is best when it’s shared, here are a few of my favorites.
Maryland: No person who is a tramp or a vagrant shall loiter in any park at any time. “Tramp” wasn’t actively defined, so we’re not sure here if they’re referring to a slutty vagrant, a slut or a vagrant, or simply a homeless guy who slept with the mayor’s wife, making him a vagrant and her a tramp, who are both now banned from hanging out in the town park together.
California: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you own at least two cows. So that rocking pair of Frye cowboy boots you bought last week? You’re going to need a photo of your cows, in case you get pulled over.
Rhode Island: Any marriage where either party is an idiot is null and void. The local courthouse must be a proverbial beehive of activity, as pissed-off spouses come in waves after every marital spat, bearing proof (“She just paid 150 bucks for that stupid haircut!” “Yeah, well he thinks that 18-year-old waitress is hot for his 60-year-old body. Not even on a bet, buddy!”) that the other one is, in fact, an idiot.
Florida: Men may not be seen publicly in a strapless gown. With the Kardashian empire crumbling, all we know for sure is that after Kris and Bruce Jenner finalize their divorce, Bruce won’t be moving to Florida.
Ohio: It’s illegal to get a fish drunk. I’m a bit confused as to how you’d get the little vertebrate up into the boat for jello shots. But if you want to party with a fish, denial of his drunken state is your best defense. It’s not like they can ask him to say the alphabet backwards.
Missouri: Clotheslines are banned, but clothes may be draped over a fence. Which explains how my neighbor came to borrow my underwear. Yeah, you can keep those.
Idaho: If a police officer approaches a vehicle and suspects the occupants are engaging in sex, he must either honk or flash his lights, then wait three minutes before approaching the car. Idaho has one classy police department. And if you haven’t had sex in a while, you’ve got enough time to git ‘er done, get dressed, and share a cigarette.
Kansas: If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed. Uh…Nope. I got nothing. Rumor has it that there are still two trains in a standoff that have been there since 1865.
Alaska: It’s considered an offense to feed alcohol to a moose. What is it with States and their need to keep their wildlife sober?
Alabama: Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail. This one was written by men who still used the word “deflower,” leading me to believe that any woman that this applied to is no longer a virgin (possibly several times over), and her deflower-er (okay, I made that word up) can come out of hiding.
Utah: A husband is responsible for any criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. Awesome. (Although Hubs immediately declared we’re never living in Utah. Ever.)
Massachusetts: A woman cannot be on top in sexual activities. I’m not sure how anyone would find out where either one of you were while doing the freaky thing, but after age 50, that’s not our best position anyway. (Why not? you ask. Lay a mirror on the floor, then get down on it on all fours. Look down. You’ll never be seen in that position again.)
Georgia: Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs. I’m confused as to why you’d have a donkey and what the hell it would be doing in your bathtub, but you need to know this will not be tolerated in the great State of Georgia.
New Mexico: Woman may walk in public topless, provided they have their nipples covered. Since they didn’t regulate what qualifies as “nipple coverage,” I’m just going to use my belt, since that’s where my nipples usually hang out.
And my all-time fave…
Texas: Criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, explaining the nature of the crime they’re going to commit. How can you not LOVE this one? “Hello, Mrs. Obermeyer, this is Ted. Remember, your plumber? Me and some other dudes are coming over tomorrow night to boost that awesome 60-inch flat screen you and Hubs just bought. Yeah, we should be there about 9, so you may want to go out or something so none of us gets hurt. Sound good to you?”
So for any of you planning a road trip, feel free to keep this list on hand for reference. But if you do get arrested for any of the above infractions, we’re looking forward to an immediate blog post, with photos. We’ll post your bail.
Hahahahahaha is it okay to say that I’m glad our country isn’t the only one with antiquated laws. LMAO at the nipple law, does this mean those with inverted nipples can just go around topless in New Mexico? LOL
Hilarious as usual. Thanks for helping me start the work week with laughter!
You are too funny. Love these!
Hilarious! I am so confused by the donkey, going to have to Google that one.
In Pennsylvania it is illegal for the woman to be on top during sex too among many other freaky laws.
Those Quakers were something else.
These are the funniest laws ever.
hiLARious! Thanks for this one.
Uh oh. I’m a criminal here in Massachusetts.
You make me love Monday mornings, Vikki! Waking up to find a new post from you is way better than Folgers in my cup – especially posts like this one! Had me laughing so hysterically that I nearly fell out of my chair! Of course hubby (who got up on the wrong side of the bed today apparently) sees me staring at my iPad and rolling with laughter and thinks I’ve totally lost it – which makes me laugh even harder. Hope there’s not some law about that in NY like “a wife is prohibited from laughing at funny blog posts when her husband is being a Mr. CrankyPants.” Maybe I should check. In the meantime, thank you immensely for this post dear Vikki! You’ve done it again – given me laughter which will last all day … especially when I think about fish doing Jell-O shots and donkeys in my tub. :)
Hilarious! I live in Ohio, the land of illegally drunk and dissipated fish. The only reasoning I can come up with for this law being on the books is this: we have a Great Lake filled with perch and walleye, and a lot of Polish social clubs serving fried fish dinners during Lent. Fish who have imbibed to the point of intoxication will not be suitable for frying, as the alcohol could ignite a grease fire. As we say here in the Buckeye state, safety first!
Hilarious! Every so often my son pulls up an app on his phone and shares with me the most ridiculous laws on the books and we cannot stop laughing!! These are some awesome ones!!
What a riot!! I’m guessing we could find laws that just got passed showing the same stupidity. :)
Those are hilarious!!! Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?!
Can’t. stop. laughing. Tell me these are made up!!! lol
Some of those are crazy!! Thanks for sharing. And thanks for tweeting my blog post today, also. You are very good at doing that and I am trying to get better at it!!!
I um… *hic*… what?
Sorry. Too busy… getting pish drunk.
OH… FISH
*hic*
Ha! The Texas one sounds like the premise for a thriller– everyone gives notice in order to be above the law, so your life is just a constant running around and trying to respond to your recent notices of impending victimization. It’s like that weirdo movie “The Purge” but for everyday life…
Also, I’m distracted. Kris and Bruce Jenner are getting a divorce? But I went through a brief low point in my life where I watched like 4 episodes of that show, they seemed so in love…..
LOL!! I wonder what weird ass law there is for Nevada.
Some of these make me wonder if the legislators were drunk (and were trying to make fish drunk) when they wrote these laws. And deflower? Does anyone use that term anymore?!
This made me chuckle. I have two comments:
1. That bars me from Florida – I didn’t pay all that money for my evening gowns for them to remain in the suit-case!
2. They must be crazy in Massachusetts – at 55, suffocating in Mrs Jones’ excess mammary tissue is one of the few joys left in life!
Those are hilarious!!!
Oh Vikki there are so many funny/stupid laws still on the books. Ms law they have finely removed from the book. Up to 10/15 ago we could still own slaves. But here a couple you may think funny. In our little OR town. You have to tie your horse an carriage to a hitching post. So does that mean when we park our cars on the street we have to tie it to the parking metor. Humm. It is also illegal to juggle any thing on the street corner so Vikki when the stuff flies out of your purse let it fall don’t grab it in mid air an toss it around. Oh an here’s on that I thought was funny also here in Ms. In the drivers manuals it state the only vehicle with flashing lights you have to stop for is a fire truck. Does that mean I don’t have to stop for blue lights. An here it also law that if there is a approaching funeral perssion coming all traffic must stop no matter if it a freeway or not. Its out of respect but if you don’t stop its a ticket.
Thanks for the heads up – Running out to buy two cows now.
haha, made my day, i m gonna share it with my colleagues at office. totally funny.
consider reading my article on The Med Guru reasons for ‘have sex everyday’
Oh so funny… thanks Vicki!
What? You can’t get a fish drunk? Who am I suppose to drink with then??
Wow, three minutes? Now that’s staying power.
Your hysterical asides and witty commentary FAR overshadows the hilarity of these laws. I will forever say “deflower-er” now and it would be great if his wife/girlfriend is named Rose. And this was my all time favorite input from you . . . “Rumor has it that there are still two trains in a standoff that have been there since 1865.” HAHAHAHA! I just kept thinking “The Little Engine That Could NOT BACK DOWN!”
Hilarious. I am picturing a breath-a-lizer for the fish and the moose…