Last week, I was with a girlfriend at our favorite wine tasting room, sipping and chatting our way through a few local varietals. An hour or so into the evening, the female wine steward came up to our table and said with a smile, “I just wanted to tell you that you have really beautiful skin.” I was delighted by her spontaneous and genuine compliment. It made my day.
When I got home, I happily repeated her comment to Hubs. “I tell you that all the time.” he said, “You’re not that excited when I say it.” “That’s true,” I replied, “But we’re married. You’re legally required to say it. And it usually constitutes foreplay, so it doesn’t count. She had no agenda. She just thought I had great skin.” Hubs furrowed his brow, which he does whenever he’s slightly confused by my logic, and went back to watching the Big Game. But it got me thinking about women and compliments. Why is it that a compliment from another women makes us so giddy inside? And why don’t we do it more often?
My completely unscientific theory is that society teaches women to be slightly competitive with each other. It’s widely recognized in the retail industry that insecurities sell products and clothing. We learn to measure ourselves against other women, especially if they’re beautiful. “Wow, she looks great. I wish I looked like that.” Whether she’s thinner, more fashionable, or simply appears more confident, it can make us feel like she’s somehow “better.” We feel weird about walking up to her and asking her where she got those fabulous boots. She’s a bit intimidating, and we’re not sure how she’ll react. What if she’s annoyed or unfriendly? Yeah, that would be embarrassing. So we stay silent and swallow our envy, hoping it will pass (or, if we’re being brutally honest, that she’ll suddenly develop a thyroid condition and gain 20 pounds).
So, in the spirit of female solidarity, my belated New Year’s resolution (yes, in April. I’m slow, but I eventually get there) is to give a sincere compliment to one different woman every day for two weeks. I’m intrigued by the idea, and curious to see the responses. It might be a good friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker, a family member, or a total stranger (those get the best reactions). If you’d like to join me, here are a few to get us started.
“You’re beautiful.” I’ve never met a woman who was offended by being told she’s beautiful. Especially from someone who isn’t trying to do her. (Unless you are, in which case it doesn’t count.)
“Gorgeous handbag.” This also works for shoes, boots, haircuts, and or any item of clothing. One time a woman walked all the way across a restaurant to ask me where I bought my handbag, because she “just had to have it.” That was five years ago, and I still carry that bag because she loved it so much.
“You have a great smile.” Think Julia Roberts, in Pretty Woman. Virtually every tabloid or magazine article about her mentions her mega-watt smile. It appears to come from her core, and it defines her. We covet that smile. Tell a woman she’s got one, and she’ll be flashing it for days.
“Have you lost weight?” A universal favorite for women of all ages. Be careful not to wax on with “You look amazing. Wow. What a difference.” The original compliment gets instantly obliterated when you basically tell her she looked like crap before. If she ever gains the weight back, she’ll be suicidal. If you must keep talking, a simple “You look great, but then you always do” is the perfect add-on.
“You’re uber talented.” You may be referring to her corporate negotiating skills, her decorating skills, or her ability to groom cats. Everyone likes to feel special or unique in some way. (And if she’s a writer, she’ll love you for life. Just sayin’.)
“You’re always so funny.” Whether she’s a stand-up comedienne or just has a sharp wit with one-liners, funny people love to be told they make you laugh. Nobody stands alone in the forest and cracks jokes. Funny people thrive on audiences that they can entertain. If she entertains you, tell her. You’ll make her day.
“Your kids are so smart.” “Well-behaved” is also a good one. Those two compliments will zip-line you right up to the top of her “I love you, too” list. It’s women-speak for “You’re a good mother,” and pretty much guarantees you a spot on her list of “People I Would Throw Myself in Front of a Bus For.”
“You’re amazing just the way you are.” In a world where women often don’t feel “good enough” about everything from career achievements, to parenting skills, or to our bodies, it’s a relief to hear that someone thinks we rock, right now, exactly the way we are. It tells us we can shelve our How to Become a Better Person in Six Short Months Self-help reading list on Goodreads (at least for a couple of weeks) and get to that 400-page romance saga that we’ve been itching for months to curl up with.
“You look so young.” In our youth-oriented society, this is the Mac Daddy compliment. In all the years I’ve said this to women I’ve met, no one has ever responded with “Bite me.” It always leans more towards “Thank you!” with a purrrrr and a huge smile. She’ll buy the next round. Every time.
“You are fabulous.” I saved this one for last because you should say it to yourself every morning when you look in the mirror. That woman looking back at you is the person from whom you get the most feedback about your worth. Be as generous to yourself as you might be to another woman that day. She is fabulous. And so are you.
Yes a small or big compliment from another woman for no apparent reason but for the compliment is great to give and recieve!
I agree, Haralee! It makes my whole day. I’m trying to give something back, and I haven’t been spit on yet! :)
Now you ladies need to learn how to accept a compliment.
Nice pocketbook…”Really, 19.99 at target” “This old thing?”
Kids…”you should see how they act at home”
Looks…”Oh, you caught me in a good day.” Etc etc.
Women don;t know how to say “Why thank you so much, you’ve made my day.
Cranky, you’re absolutely right! Why is it so hard for us to just say “Thank you!”? :)
Love the bag. Love the shoes. Love everything! “My Best Friends Wedding”
Cate, Best. Line. Ever! “Love everything!” :)
You’re always so funny. :) :)
I really do try to do this – and the best evidence that we should do it more often is the suspicious look I occasionally get. :) (What do you want from me? Are you on drugs?)
Thanks, Shameless! Isn’t it funny when we say something nice to someone, that sometimes they look at us like “Are you planning to mug me or something?” No, actually, I just love your haircut! :)
You are so right, it can be frightening to walk up and compliment a stranger and also I never know how to react. Do I just say thank you or start a conversation, I’m practicing.
Doreen, I think a simple Thank You, with a smile, is all I need in return (well, that and where she got that handbag!) I’m finding the more women I approach, the easier it gets. No one has said “Bite me” yet! :)
You are fabulous, and this post is just perfect for a Monday morning. It’s truly amazing the joy we can give another person just by acknowledging them in a positive way. And it doesn’t cost us a thing. Thanks, Vikki!
My pleasure, Roxanne! Think how much less competitive we would all be, if we learned to share each other’s fabulousness, without reservation or fear. World peace could be next! :)
I love this so much! And you are gorgeous.
Thank you, and thank you, Michelle! You’re quite beautiful yourself! :)
Not enough complimenting; not enough good old-fashioned graciousness in this world. Thank you for this, Vikki! We need it!
Thanks, Diane! I figure if we can make a real groundswell here of women supporting other women, we could dominate the world (or at least have more fun!) :)
This is something I have been trying to do lately as well, it’s always nice making other people feel good.
I agree, Rena! When I compliment a woman and she is genuinely flattered, I’m smiling for hours. It’s kind of fun! :)
I love this! And, you are so talented – truly! I look forward to your weekly posts. :-)
Thank you, Lynne! What a lovely thing to say. You just made my day! :)
I love the Bridget Jones “just the way you are” one. I also LOVE that meme. Not sure about the “have you lost weight.” I have struggled with my weight my entire life and I would rather not discuss it even in a positive way. It always makes me think of a time that I can (and likely will) rebound. Ugh.
You’re right, Anna, asking a woman if she’s lost weight needs to be reserved for women you know well enough to know how she’ll react. But if you do, it’s a sure-fire smile getter! :)
I have always tried doing this, because it does make a person’s day! I’ve never understood the competitiveness of women when it comes to compliments. It really has been a pet peeve of mine. Thank you Vikki for shedding light on the subject. I truly do enjoy your writing. :)
Thanks, Laurie! It’s always wonderful to hear someone say they like your work. I love that you’re a fan! :)
I did this exact thing last night, as a group was passing me coming out of a restaurant. You know what else I love to do? Be a random girlfriend (i.e. tell someone when their tag is hanging out of their shirt or their hem in tucked into the back of their underwear). I just walk up and say, “I’m gonna be a girlfriend…then I fix it for them.”
Love that, Tammy! I did that to an elderly woman one time, and she couldn’t stop giggling. Pretty soon we were both laughing. Win-win! :)
I have been mulling over this very topic for awhile now…it’s SO true. When a random woman comes up and gives me a compliment I know it is sincere and it will buoy my mood all day.
So count me in. Random, sincere compliments to complete strangers!
Yay! Nice to have you on board, Gigi! Let’s go out and make some new friends. :)
This is a great post. I love what you said about your husband. A compliment–by someone who has nothing to gain–really does make your day. I am going to try making someone’s day.
Thank you, Sheila! I’m thinking we could get quite the movement going. “A compliment a day keeps the insecurities away.” Oh, the things we could accomplish! :)
Great article! I’m going to work on doing this more often :)
Bravo! As women, I agree, we were taught to be competitive with each other. It is delightful when we compliment another woman!
Thanks for the cheer, Rosemond! Love that you stopped by and commented! :)
So true, my mother recently received the same compliment from a stranger that you did, that she had great skin. She was giddy about it for days and made sure that everyone in her family heard it. She’s 96, so it doesn’t matter what age you are, compliments can go far.
Jennifer, your grandmother is 96 and still being complimented for her gorgeous skin? You have a beautiful future ahead of you, woman! :)
Vikki—have I told you lately that you’re wonderful?
Well you are, both as a comedic writer and a truth stater!!
(And if I met you, I’d probably agree that you have great skin!)
But seriously—it’s so true we don’t believe our husbands—not that we don’t believe them…it just doesn’t seem as genuine! But really, maybe you should do an entire post on that—because when i say that—it seems wrong. Of course I should believe my husband!
I’m a firm believer on complimenting both men & women. We have plenty of negative in our lives (especially if you watch the news at night), so bringing up the positive is a good thing. (besides, I’ve been called a pollyanna—so it’s second nature to me)
jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Thank you, Jodie, for those wonderful words! And you know I love it when writers I adore lend me their post ideas. :) I’m already thinking about how to write this new one!
This is so great. I love getting compliments and giving them. When you give them, the focus goes on the other person, something I always find helpful in life. Thanks for the reminder. Great post.
Thanks so much, Laurie! I agree with you. Every now and then, it does really feel good to pay attention to someone other than the person in the mirror… :)
I think you’re on to something here. I’ve seen the positive impact of such comments on my wife – e.g. ‘I just love those shoes’ – when spoken by another woman (especially a stranger or someone younger).
It got me thinking whether I could write a (heterosexual) male version for my next post.
‘Wow, your 6-pack looks amazing’
‘Your hazel eyes are stunning’
‘That beard is the neatest I’ve seen – what sort of razor do you use?’
‘I can see from the bulge in your Wranglers that you’re hung like a baboon’
On seconds thoughts, maybe not.