I got a call last weekend from an obviously distressed friend, who blasted me with a 30-minute, breathless tirade about her belief that her hubs and close friend were having an affair. My first reaction was to make a joke, because this woman thinks every female in town is hot for her hubs and whenever he’s “working late,” he’s getting his freaky on with one of her friends. To my knowledge, he’s never cheated on her, but that doesn’t seem to matter. She’s always sure, and she’s always pissed.
Every option I offered was stubbornly met with “If I see that bitch, she’s going to be sorry she messed with me and mine.” Attributing her intermittent female gang-banger personality disorder to her chronic off-the-charts stress levels, I spent the next hour in a futile effort to talk her off the ledge. Unfortunately, it became apparent that that’s not what she wanted. She seemed to be enjoying her victim role, and was milking it for all it was worth. I ended the call, and ultimately the friendship.
Drama Mamas (aka Drama Queens) are people who over-react and get intensely upset about any small encounter or setback. Catastrophe is always about to befall them. Their lives are a constant whirlwind of disasters and conflicts, magnified into histrionic dramas plastered all over Facebook and burning up their phone lines with anyone who will listen.
One of the best things about aging is letting go of drama. We’re at a time in our lives when we seek a calmer, more positive place in our daily lives and relationships. We zen our thoughts and feng shui our living rooms. We take jobs we love, instead of jobs we need. We become less judgmental. We downsize our homes, our cars, our material needs, reducing the burden of “too much stuff.” We have less, so we can do more.
Drama increases stress, ruins relationships, and sucks up time we may not have left. Drama Mamas may be longtime friends or even family members, but that doesn’t make them less toxic. If you’re feeling sucked into the swirling vortex of a Drama Mama’s life, it might be time to clean house. If it’s you, you just identified your new project for the next year.
Whatever the source, there are things we can do to decrease drama in our lives:
1. Don’t assume the worst. “Hubs is working late again. He must be cheating on me.” “My best friend doesn’t pick up when I call. She must be mad at me.” Maybe Hubs just a lot of work to do and Suzie is in the shower. It’s not always a grand conspiracy about you.
2. When faced with two possible explanations, assume the most positive option is true. “Hubs called my sister nine times last week. They’re either having daily phone sex or planning my surprise 60th birthday party.” Until you know otherwise, go shopping for a new party dress.
3. Believe half of what you read, and none of what you’re told. Remember the “Telephone” game when you were young? You all sit in a circle, and one by one, you whisper the same sentence to each other around the room. The last person then says what he heard, which gets compared to what the first person actually said. Hilarity ensues when everyone hears two completely different statements. The lesson here: If a rumor has gone through more than two people, chances are you’re getting a revised edition.
4. Keep things in perspective. Very few incidents during an average day signal the Rapture anytime soon. That guy that cut you off in traffic? Maybe he’s trying to get his sick child to the hospital. Maybe his mother just had a heart attack. Maybe he’s just a douche. But chances are, you’ll never see him again. Is it worth spending the entire evening ranting about?
5. Walk away from gossip mongering. It sounds juicy, and can even seem kind of fun, but gossip sessions are the epicenter of dysfunction and drama. Besides, if you don’t hear it, you can’t repeat it. Win-win.
6. Don’t post anything, anywhere online that you’re not prepared for everyone on the planet to see. Every day, there are horror stories about friendships and family relationships being obliterated because someone saw something on Facebook the writer thought they’d never see. Assume everything you post online will be seen by your parents, your kids, your minister, and the person you wrote it about.
7. Be the first to say I’m sorry. “An eye for an eye” might feel satisfying in the moment, but it won’t help you eliminate petty conflicts in your life. It’s not just about who’s right. It’s about who wants the relationship back.
8. Pick your battles. Is it really necessary to hurl public insults over a lost parking space or who saw that fabulous blue sweater first? Drama Mamas have trouble making distinctions between petty annoyances and true crisis situations. A snippy comment from a salesclerk elicits the same def-con level response as the idiot driver who totaled her new car. Learn to differentiate and save your emotional energy for what really matters.
9. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the women who just snapped at you in the grocery line, or the waiter who just rolled his eyes when you asked for more bread, just discovered that their spouse cleaned out the marital checking account and ran off to Bora Bora with the 19-year-old Swedish nanny. If you can’t think of what you did, you probably didn’t do anything, and it’s not about you. Let it go.
“Drama does not just walk into your life. Either you create it, invite it, or associate with it.” ~Unknown
To live a more peaceful life, weed the Drama Mamas out of your life whenever possible. If you can’t eliminate them, limit contact. People don’t automatically get to be part of your life simply because of shared DNA or matching sorority keys from 1989. Decide what, and who, you want in your life, and you will live more joyfully.
I clicked over to read even before seeing you added in the title – – even if she is you. It is completely unlike me…yet lately the drama Mama has become me. I started this weekend already with the I’m sorry’s.
Carla, it’s interesting that we so quickly become what we don’t like sometimes! Fortunately, there’s always “I’m sorry.” :)
Life is much easier without the drama queens. It’s also a lot more fun to not take everything so damn seriously. And your ex friend’s husband? Poor man. He works late because he doesn’t want to be at home with the crazy.
Laura, I agree! It’s not an affair. It’s a break from her! :)
Amen, sistah.
Thanks, Roxanne! :)
I like a good drama queen, but not when it comes to a topic like this, and not in huge doses. This was a different post for you. I liked it!
Thanks, Carol! I thought it might be fun to branch out a little. So glad you liked it! :)
In fairness to all you ladies out there, it must be said that there are many drama queens who can pee standing up. Thanks again for more laughs and some good insights.
You’re so funny, Axie’s Dad! And you’re welcome! :)
Bravo! Life is way to short for drama queens. I can’t even stand myself, when I’m being one :)
I’m with you, Jennifer! Sometimes I look in the mirror and say “Whoa, Nellie. Take it down a notch, why don’t you??” :)
great tips for keeping the drama under control. I’ll keep them in mind, for myself AND my four daughters – thanks for sharing :)
You’re welcome, Linda! Glad you enjoyed it! :)
Honestly, all women should post this on their bathroom mirror. Toxic friends whether they be drama mamas or just plain unpleasant need to be moved away from the center of our lives. The problem is we get close to these people before we realize the dramas in their life. AND, if we are the drama queen, we need to take a good long hard look at our behavior. Maybe we will understand why we can’t keep friends and lighten up.
Thank you for the post.
b+
You’re right, Barbara! Sometimes the drama just creeps up until you’re left saying What the Hell?? Love seeing you on Laugh Lines! :)
I LOVE reading all of your posts!! Make me laugh so hard. You are just plain awesome.
Well, thank you, Pamela! You just made my day! :)
Love the quote (well, actually, I loved the entire post!!).
Thanks, Lynne!! (And the quote was great, wasn’t it? Sparked the whole post!) :)
Oh, if only Drama Queens and Kings would admit that this was them!! But, they never do!!
You’re right, Roshni! I know people who would be stunned if anyone suggested they were Drama Queens (or Kings), and I’m thinking “How can you not see this??” :)
The drama mamas are right up there with the debby downers! I had a friend who lived in gloom and doom, and silly me thought I could cheer her up. “Oh, it’s not that bad!” “No, the sun isn’t going to explode and ruin your party!” “People DO like you.” NOT.
Life’s too damn short! Clean house!
Great post!
b
Amen, Barbara! I never want to be mean, but sometimes they just have to go! :)
I’m SORTA guilty SOMETIMES, Vikki. LOL! But thanks for this insightful post! Loved it! The best thing really, as you had written, is to remind ourselves that it’s not always about us. :-)
Thanks, Joy! I love that you liked this post! Thanks for stopping by! :)
Sometimes I find myself falling into that chasm of drama; a glass or two (or 6…) of wine later and my bitch-o-meter goes back down to zero and I’m normal, sane and so not neurotic again. I would much rather utter the words “save the drama for yo mama” then to have them said to me.
I do the same thing, Valerie, and I’m with you…a glass of wine (okay, several glasses) can put the feng back in my shui! :)
#2 is my new mantra!
Me too, Lisha! I’m always amazed at the number of people who seem to live by “Assume the worst.” Why?? :)
Spot on! Letting go of drama IS one of the best gifts of aging. Thanks for a great piece!
You’re welcome, Norine! I love that you stopped by and commented! :P)
One of my favourite things about hitting midlife is the freedom to walk away from drama (of course, we always had that freedom, but for some reason, many of us didn’t realize it until we hit our mid-40’s…. ;-) ).
Yes, Tamara, why does it take us so long? I think maybe, when we’re younger, we’re trying too hard to please everybody and have everyone love us all the time. Can’t be done. It’s much simpler to just weed out toxic, critical people who are never going to like us anyway! :)
I’ve had to deal with a few of these and you’re right, you have to cut them loose. Self preservation.
I used to be a Drama Mama — until I had a mini mental breakdown. I ended up taking FMLA from work for six weeks — and used that time to get on some medication, get some counseling, and do some serious self-reflection. It was six weeks that literally saved my life and changed me into a different person.
One of the things I always try to remember (and gently suggest to others) is that perception is not always reality. As you said, you may not know the whole story…or you may be reading your own issues or bad day into the actions of others. But even if someone is being a true asshole, that doesn’t mean I have to let it impact me and my peace of mind.
I wish I could copy and paste this entire thing into the comments section of many a facebook or blog post. Okay yes, yes, including my own.
I’ve been feeling a little guilty (and relieved) about a drama queen friend of many years that I finally made a break with two years ago. Reading this makes me feel better about my decision. I just didn’t have time for 50 texts over dinner about some fabricated illness or fabricated boyfriend all the time. Life is too short!