Okay. I admit it. I’m a Halloween curmudgeon. I just don’t get this day. It’s an outdoor event, in late October, when it’s invariably rainy, dark, and cold, primarily revolving around scaring the crap out of sugar-crazed herds of costumed tater tots, while simultaneously encouraging them to approach total strangers for candy (subsequently undoing years of stern lessons about “stranger danger”).
45 minutes into nonstop ringing of our doorbell, accompanied by shouts of “TRICK OR TREAT!” from shivering, masked children holding up pillowcases, demanding copious amounts of candy in exchange for not throwing food products at your house while you sleep, our two Chihuahuas will begin what invariably become a six-hour barking frenzy, ultimately necessitating doggy downers for either them or us. God help you if you run out of candy. Those sweet-faced little ladybugs get pissed. (And what’s up with the teenagers? Drive up to your house, dressed like killer zombies in low-rider, oversized jeans and black hoodies, trick-or-treating?? Screw that. They’re casing the place.)
My greatest Halloween phobia is The Costume Party. The mere invitation sends my ADHD/OCD, Virgo Perfectionist, Overachieving Middle-Child Syndrome neuroses colliding at warp speed over WHAT TO BE, until they eventually explode into a wine-chugging night of “For God’s sake, woman, it’s a costume. Just PICK ONE.”
This year, I decided to get over my anxieties and try to make it fun. I poured a glass of wine and headed to down the hall to Google “Most Popular Halloween Costumes” for ideas. Welcome to Hell. One look and I headed back to the kitchen for the rest of the bottle, returning to my office and settling in, determined to find something…anything I’d risk wearing in public if there was even a possibility of running into an old boyfriend.
List of Top Choices from Google:
1. Sexy Witch. Who am I kidding? I’m a decade (fine…three decades) past black fishnets, stilettos, and pointy hats. There’s a name for 58-year-olds that dress like that outside the bedroom, and it’s not “hot.”
2. Porky Pig. An oversized, pink fleece onsie, with a snout and eight plastic “teets.” Yeah, no. After years of struggling with literally being the “bigger sister,” I’ll be damned if I’m going to wear anything resembling a pink sleeping bag or that includes the word “porky” in the description. Ever.
3. Toga. Not since the great Tri-Delt toga party debacle during my sorority years in 1978. Don’t ask.
4. Naughty Nurse. By 50+, this can be a little creepy and too suggestive of “Just happened to have this in my closet, right sweetie? (wink, wink).” Great idea until you run into your parents, your children (of any age), or your minister.
5. Catholic School Girl. See #4. Then imagine a short, plaid skirt and white knee-highs on a 58-year-old woman. Or don’t. Some things can’t be unseen.
6. Fairy Princess. What am I? Like, 9? Besides, glitter on a middle-aged face settles into the lines, and sparkling, sagging cleavage is just sad.
7. Wonder Woman. Oh hell, no. If I won’t wear a belted, sequined bustier with black panty-shorts and knee-high boots for Hubs (who’s asked repeatedly), I’m certainly not going to wear them for the neighbors (who have, not surprisingly, never asked. Not even once).
8. Miley Cyrus. Yeah, there’s an idea. Dress up like a coked-out, wanna be rock star, with too much makeup, too little clothing, and zero sexual boundaries, who’s primary claim to recent fame is the development of a new household word. And if you have to ask your children what “twerking” means, you’re too old for this outfit, period.
9. Gogo Girl. This worked for Twiggy and Goldie Hawn in the early 70s. They were tall, anorexic, and 12. I’m 5’3″, curvy, and well, you get the idea. Besides, I grew up with “No white after Labor Day.” Old habits are hard to break.
9. Mad Men Retro. This one requires all-night chain smoking, 5″ heels, and skirts you can’t sit down in. I don’t smoke, I have Parkinson’s-induced balance issues, and wearing Spanx while snarfing down bowlfuls of candy is just stupid.
10. Jeannie (as in, “I Dream Of”). Oh, swell. Sheer, low-rise harem pants, with a sleeveless, see-through cropped top. This ensemble hides nothing. Boobs resemble wet sock puppets? Post-childbearing belly? A little chubbier than you were in, say, preschool? Put this outfit down and run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit.
This was going to be tougher than I thought.
I finished my wine (yes, all of it), and decided to go as a 58-year-old writer, in bunny slippers, an oversized t-shirt, and Pajama Pants, who desperately needs to get off her computer and get to a gym, if for no other reason than to see daylight and real, live people, before friends and family succumb to rumors of her untimely demise and begin to send condolence cards.
No need to buy anything new. And I can take my laptop with me.
I could learn to like this holiday.
HAHAHA…
I plan to wear ripped up jeans and a slouchy sweat shirt and dress up as a younger version of me.
Michelle, I still wear ripped jeans and slouchy sweatshirts! They’re my “attitude” version of the ubiquitous yoga pants-and-t-shirt uniform of the middle-aged. :) I never thought of that for Halloween, but I love it! Thanks for commenting!
I’ve never been invited to a Halloween party and really, I don’t think I mind. The years of herding my children through subdivisions for candy were enough trauma. I mean the candy was great but I could have just waited until the day after to buy myself a bag of half-off fun sized chocolate bars – or two. These days I just shut off the lights and hide in my living room for the evening. The two or three kids that might actually knock on the door aren’t enough to make it worthwhile buying candy and eating it before the main event multiple times.
I hear you, Vanessa! I prefer to tie a white quarantine flag to our front door and turn all the lights, but the neighborhood kids are on to us, and they manage to get in! :)
Love it!! This year I”m going to be going as a nice mommy who bakes cookies and packs amazing bento box lunches. I’m really into fantasy this year! Lol! Thanks for laugh on the cool Monday morning!
You’re welcome, Kathy! I love the “nice mommy” outfit! :)
I love your costume Vikki. Money can’t buy it. Have fun!
Thanks, Nancy! I’m actually getting quite relaxed about it all, since I don’t even change or put makeup on. Win-win! :)
We seem to have totally stodgy friends, who never invite us to Halloween parties. For which I am profoundly grateful.
Karen, Most of my friends know me and love me enough to not invite us either! Call me for Thanksgiving. I’m all over it! :)
The last Halloween party I was invited to said just wear a hat. That was pretty easy. I love Halloween. I have angel wings I wear and burn wood in the a fire pit in the driveway.
Haralee, I want angel wings! THOSE I would wear. As long as I don’t have to shake glitter all over my boobs! :)
HA Vicki! I’m in the “thick” of this issue right now too! I love this. And can totally relate!
Thanks, Stacia! My poor son (only child) grew up without being scared out of his wits until he was old enough to drive himself to the local haunted house. :) It’s just my idea of a celebration, but then I’m a curmudgeon. I like the happier, less “spooky” holidays! Thanks so much for stopping by to read and comment. Love seeing you on Laugh Lines!
I can’t believe those are the top choices, WTH! My go-to outfit is always a witch’s hat and cloak (with those fun black and green striped tights underneath). Not exactly sexy but…. I love your “writer” idea, though – it would be fun to try for a Hunter S. Thompson or maybe Hemingway-ish look. I could definitely nail the “drink in hand” haha!
Beduwen, I agree, it would be fun to go as a famous author! I’ll just get out my most rumpled clothes, smudge dark circles under my eyes, and carry around a Scotch on the rocks all night. LOVE IT! :)
I’m with you…I don’t get this holiday. I stay home and keep the porch light turned off. Just a regular Halloween Scrooge!
Paula, Hubs and I do everything from turning off the porch lights to tying a white quarantine flag on the door. They KNOW we’re in there… :)
Vikki, this was hilarious! I also find myself of the shorter, chubbier body type than is required for most of these costumes. So, for this year, I’ve given up on the whole idea. The fairy princess may be worth a second look though. I saw a lady in her 70’s dressed as one, a couple of years ago (complete with sparkly, sagging cleavage!) and she seemed pretty pleased with herself! Perhaps there’s another level of ‘I don’t give a you-know-what’ to be reached before we’re all done!
Thanks, Donna, and you’re probably right. I’m at that in-between stage, where I’m not young enough to pull it off, but not old enough to do it anyway and not give a rip what anyone thinks. So I sit at home with the lights off. :)
Yeah I am not a big Halloween fan myself. I just don’t get it for many of the reasons you wrote! Definitely not putting on a costume.
Rena, I’ve tried over the years to like it, primarily by focusing on those darling little lady bug costumes, but I just can’t get into the dark part of it. But then, I never watched Twilight either. God, I’m a social pariah! :)
I’m usually pretty hardcore with the Halloween costume thing, but this year is tough with moving and buying a house and all the flip flappin’ things.
So throwin’ on an old costume it is!
But now I want bunny slippers.
Chrissy, yes, bunny slippers can cure about anything! Good luck with your move. Been there, feel your pain! :)
You’re a virgo? So am I! Except I actually love Halloweee and trick or treaters. As for your costume, please be sure to wear it to attend one of my group fitness classes. Then I can recognize you right away in the gym.
Hey Virgo, I’ll be sure to have on my lonely writer “costume,” because it’s pretty much what I wear every day. You can also find me by the blinding light of my little white head! :) Thanks for commenting!!
Mmmm, tater tots. Is it bad that that’s the most memorable part of the post for me? I think it must be lunch time!
Thanks for the post, I will read it again after I feed my belly.
Cate, I love that you hooked onto “tater tots.” That makes me laugh! Thanks for stopping by. I love seeing you on Laugh Lines!
I must confess to a growing fondness for this holiday. I have no explanation other than the sure knowledge that I’ll have plenty of time to not wear a costume during the upcoming long dirt nap. This year we’re going as Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf. What the hell.
Chloe, costumes are like hats and scarves for me. I love them on other people and they look like so much fun, but I just feel stupid in them. I have no explanation. Otherwise, I’m really fun. Really, I am. :)
I bought one of those glittery carnival masks with a feather at the side; I intend to wear that and call it great!!
And you’ll look fabulous, Roshni! Have fun, and bring me home some candy, okay? I’ll be one sitting alone on the couch, in the dark, wearing sweatpants and wishing I liked this holiday! :)
I am picturing you in your writer costume, and I am laughing out loud! Fuzzy slippers are my go-to shoe! LOL
Love me some fuzzy slippers, Lynne! The longer I write, the less dressed up I get to do it. Some days it will occur to me that I need to run to the store or something, and I’ll look at what I’m wearing and think “Maybe tomorrow.” :)
Vikki, I love to dress up but never get invited anywhere for Halloween (and my husband is in your camp — hates it!). So here’s an idea that solves both our problems: I can be your stunt double. I’ll dress up and go as you. People will think it’s the best costume ever, since we look totally opposite! Problem solved. :)
Yeah, I never dress up for Halloween. I go as an exhausted mom.
That could work too! Maybe we’re making this harder than it needs to be. Let’s just all go as we are during the day. Exhausted mom, frazzled writer, banged-up runner…The possibilities are endless and we don’t to buy a thing! :)
I haven’t been to a Halloween anything on this island. And it’s on a Friday so it’ll be awesome to go out at 7 and leave early to go read.
Oh Tamara, a woman after my own heart! I like your style. :)
Love Halloween, it’s my favorite holiday. The pros being you can wear anything you want and no one can say anything; you don’t have to clean your house because dust & dirt are now acceptable; same for the yard, leaves and sticks are appropriate “decor”; you get to eat candy without judgement; no gifts to buy/make; the decorations like snakes, bugs, skeletons, all things creepy; and the best is the punch/sangria all night because you are not the poor soul out in the rain with the kids because yours are grown. The cons being kids outside your house continually wanting candy and getting in the way of your drinking for 3 hours. Halloween is the best as long as you are not the one out with the kids in the cold and rain.
Mac, you crack me up! I’m coming to YOUR house for Halloween. :)
Love this! I LOATHE Halloween. With four children, it’s just torture. My kids always say, “What are you going to be for Halloween?” and I always tell them, “Exhausted.”