A radio report the other day stated that 2/3 of all Americans own a Smart phone. And this group was non-discriminatory, including doctors, lawyers, SAHM, children, young, old, rich, poor, and the homeless. Apparently we take our cellular communication very seriously in this country.
While I don’t have a problem with the fact that cell phone communication, verbal or texting, has become the primary method of connecting (okay, that’s a lie. It makes me crazy), I can’t understand why cell phone users often behave like bad drivers. Obviously, many of us think we’re the only one on the road, so we can do whatever we damn well please and you can just get out of the way.
It’s human nature to occasionally forget that we’re not the only person on the planet. We pass the time in crowded dental waiting rooms by loudly listing the ingredients for Mom’s famous fruitcake recipe to Hubs at Safeway. A gentle reminder or “look” from the person next to us may cause us to take it outside, but is more likely to result in a rude finger gesture and a clearly mouthed “Bite me.”
But for those of you who regularly become “that guy” (and you know who you are), who frequently becomes the topic of annoyed conversation for an entire restaurant staff and patrons, it’s good to remember that this does not make you look important. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. To avoid this unfortunate distinction, here are some guidelines that you might consider periodically reviewing so we all continue to love each other and behave nicely.
There will be times that you need to turn your phone off. Lunch with Mom, attending a wedding (ditto a funeral), a romantic date, church, your kids’ piano recital. And (why do I need to say this?) during sex. Movies and TV shows regularly script a couple making steamy whoopee, when his cell phone rings. He groans and she rolls her eyes, but they breathlessly stop what they’re doing. He answers his phone, while she takes the opportunity to check her messages. Seriously?? All I can conclude is that one of you is doing it wrong.
You don’t need to shout anymore. It’s true that when cell phones first came out, it quickly became the “Can you hear me now?” era, where every call had us running around the house, phones held in the air, anxiously searching for the strongest signal, and shouting into the phone trying to be heard at the other end. That time has passed, people. They can hear you now. You can use your inside voice and speak normally. Truly, we don’t care about your vacation plans, your horrible boss, or that hot new chick you banged last night at your class reunion.
If you text while driving, you should lose your license. Forever. And while we’re at it, we’re also taking away your damn phone. If you’re that stupid, you shouldn’t have either one. I’m not prepared to die because you couldn’t remember if your wife picked up your dry cleaning. If you must text while in motion, do it while you’re walking. At least we get some entertainment value out of watching you smack face first into a light post you didn’t see because you had your head down, reading your phone.
“I’ve got to take this” is not, in fact, always true. And in the middle of your 5-year-old daughter’s ballet recital, you look like a self-important douche. I know this is a tough one, but the world will not come to an end because you’re unavailable for a couple of hours while you celebrate your parents’ 50th anniversary, visit with your 90-year-old grandmother, or spend a romantic evening with your wife (assuming she hasn’t left your inconsiderate ass after 15 years of hearing “I’ve gotta take this” in the middle of every date night).
If you simply must take a call, take it outside. As fascinating as your recent colonoscopy undoubtedly was, we all don’t need to hear every detail for the entire duration of our meal. And that real estate deal you’re trying to close before that jerk at your office beats you out of the commission is really not anything we give a crap about, so get off the treadmill and out of the gym. Or better yet, go home and take care of your business, then come back and join us.
Lower your ring volume. Since you have your phone permanently attached to your body at all times, or God forbid, you insist on wearing one of those ridiculous ear pieces all day long, you don’t need the ringer on High. (Honestly, how do you take a shower? Never mind, I don’t want to know…) Pick a nonoffensive ringtone, then lower the volume a couple of notches. Yes, we can all still hear you and know how important you are. You just won’t be quite as annoying.
Don’t overshare. I hear people all the time freely offering up details of their private lives, and the lives of others, on their cell phones. While in public. To avoid an ugly scene when your best friend finds out you told a golf buddy about his mistress, during a cell phone call you had while sitting in a restaurant behind his wife’s BFF (true story), here’s a general rule: If you wouldn’t do it in public, don’t talk about it in public.
Consider the setting. Nothing kills a Zen retreat or a quiet day of reading by the lake like the persistent ringing of some idiot’s cell phone. We get it. You need to be connected to the world 24/7. You’re The Guy. Holidays, weekends getaways, and moments of solitude and quiet contemplation are for losers. We understand. And we respect your choices. We’d just like to respect you from a distance.
So there you have it. We’re all friends again. Now let’s talk about texting.
I’m not even sure I’d consider this comedy….it’s non-fiction–it’s reality—it’s quite annoying! We’ve lost our common sense sometimes and feel like that phone is all too important (I’ve been sucked in too)! Maybe they will start a class in elementary school—instead of sex ed there will be phone ed? jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Jodie, what a great idea! Phone Ed. Apparently we all need a course! :)
Thank you! And thank you again. It amazes me that people are so immune to the fact that we SHARE the world. We don’t want to share your phone call.
You’re welcome, Carol! Maybe it’s product of the TMI generation. We either post it on FB or shout it into our phones, but we KNOW everybody wants to hear it, right? :)
I am thankful and proud to announce I am not that woman :-)
I can barely make sure I’m focus enough on driving without doing anything else simultaneously :-)
And 90% of the time turn the phone off when I’m around others – – unless the kids at school and I’m hoping they don’t call me to pick her up early…
I’m with you, Carla! When I drive, I need to shut up and DRIVE. :)
I’m proud of my phone etiquette! I always am thoughtful when I’m in public with my phone and never ever ever look at it when I’m driving. If I’m in car with someone and they ever dare to glance at their phone, they’d better watch out because I give them a bucket load of lecturing and other kind words too! Great post – we need as much awareness as possible about this topic!
Thanks, Carolann! We all need reminders sometimes. Put down the phone and talk to the person sitting across the table. You might like her! :)
In the interest of full disclosure – I’ve been the DB. I’ve talked too loud, over-shared, and been really annoying. But, I’m self-aware and I’m working to address my issues. Hello, my name is Kimba, and I’m a cellphone DB.
My favorite here in NYC is folks who start down the stairs to the subway station in front of me and then abruptly stop to check their messages. I’m not the most assertive person in the world but I will usually make a comment about that as I go by them.
Also wish people wouldn’t use the bloop bloop bloop feature on the subway. Why does your phone have to go bloop every time you touch the screen?
Kimba, you crack me up! We’ll all been “that guy” from time to time. But that’s okay. We ARE the center of the universe. Aren’t we? :)
This is soo true and it is sooo annoying. I go to a small restaurant that is always busy and you place your order at the counter. Their policy is not to wait on some on someone who is on their phone while ordering. Yes indeed there is usually some hoopla because Mr. or Ms. Important doesn’t understand why they are not next to be helped!
I agree, Haralee! If they’re so important, the call can’t wait, I’m sure they’re important enough to cut in to the front of the line…or not. :)
Oh my Gosh!! I LOVE it! That should happen everywhere – I’d love to see the bank do it.
What? You don’t want to hear about my colonoscopy? Ok, I’ll text the details.
Kymberly, of COURSE I want the details! Email me, and I’ll settle in with a glass of wine and enjoy! :)
All so true, so true, and as always, written so that it puts a big smile on my face! Great post– we will put in on BA50 really soon!
Thanks, Ronna! I love you ladies! :)
Your post should be enclosed with every cell phone purchase. The “I’m so important” aspect of inappropriate phone usage is what drives me up the wall. And a classic example of not getting it: my BIL posted a photo of himself on Facebook. He was in lotus pose, wanting the world to know how zen/centered/self-aware he is now that he’s taken up yoga. Except he was wearing a Bluetooth ear thingy. Oy.
That’s so funny, Roxanne! Yes, the first rule of yoga is to PUT AWAY YOUR DAMN PHONE. There, I feel more zenned already! :)
I’m proud to be a loser, who doesn’t need to be connected all the time. A definate yes to pulling the driver’s license of every driving texter.
Beth, I’m with you. Social failures who have the lack of career ambition it takes to wear a Bluetooth in your ear even while in the shower…Unite! :)
Haha! Love your examples. I agree with all of your points, and I’m shocked at some of the private things people share in public. Keep it to yourself, people…we do NOT want to hear about your private parts, drunken escapades, back-stabbing friends, etc.
Lisa, I think social media has made many people believe that everyone is just dying to know everything (every. single. thing.) about you. We need to find ways to gently suggest that’s sooooo not true! :)
Amen, sister! The cell phone is not the new family member! Good grief….leave it in your purse. Be present and enjoy actual – live – conversation!
Yes, Ellen! We’ve become a society that communicates from their phones. I’ve even seen it done between two people who you were in the same room. Oh. My. God. :)
I loved this Vikki, of course, I like all of your pieces. This one is genius, my friends.
Thanks, Rena!! You just made my day! :)
I’m proud to say I married a man who has never owned a smart phone, he’s anti technology (me, on the other hand…). Alas, I don’t own a smart phone either, but only cause I can’t afford it! (Loud sound of clapping and cheering.)
OK, stop applauding.
You can sit down now.
Seriously, your shouts and whistles are not necessary.
Really, thank you.
Too funny, Lisa! My hubs doesn’t have a smart phone either. He’d had the phone for over a year before he knew it had a slide-out keyboard. No smart phone for him! :)
Here’s my fear: our young Grands who are now 13 or 14 years old and just discovering the joys of ignoring their parents by keeping their thumbs on the text buttons (DB wannabes) will only a few years from now read your piece and scratch their heads in blissful ignorance. What, they’ll wonder, was all the fuss about–and complain about some social mediate etiquette breach the generation behind them is making–unmannerly stuff we haven’t even thought of yet.
Penpen, I never even thought of that! You’re right. Our kids will find something new, and unforeseeable at this time, that their kids are doing that is just not acceptable. But the cell phone issue seems to be ageless. Even otherwise intelligent and socially skilled boomers are doing it wrong. :)
Amen! Sharing. I could fill pages with examples, along with yours, but here’s one I’m sure you will love: I took my then 5-year-old daughter into the rest room, and all of a sudden, someone is talking loud and asking questions from the next stall. So I answered her back. Thought it was weird. Then she said, “I gotta flush.” I said, “good – the next person will be happy.” She came out of the stall, mad at me, for answering her while she was doing her business simultaneously on the phone and on the pot! Nasty!!!!
Is there anyone who captures life’s nuances better than you? Sadly, it is often women who are cellphone culprits. REAL conversations overheard on Amtrak: mom instructing her child how to arrange each room after a move (45 minute call): daughter detailing the challenges of buying a bra for a low-cut dress (20 minutes); mother giving dating advice (I feel asleep). I worry we are creating a generation of young women who cannot make a decision without mom weighing in via cell phone. You have to laugh!
Love your post..will be sharing everyplace
It’s funny how the younger generation always texts. They think it’s unobtrusive.
We have a “no cell phones at dinner” rule, but the other night, my older son was busted. My husband said “I know you’re not smiling at your crotch, now put the phone away.”
I do hate people talking on their cell phones disturbing my peace. Texting is quiet at least!
I have a confession. My young daughter-in-law had to speak to me about my obsession with my cell phone while visiting them recently. I was ashamed and guilty as charged. I am looking for a support group. I DO NOT, however, talk on phone or text, and keep the phone out of my reach at all times while at the wheel. So I’m not that bad, right? I don’t take it to bed either. There are so many others so much worse. Wow! I’m feeling pretty confident I’ve got a handle on this. *Cancels support group while checking for facebook updates.*
Sharing this with EVERYONE!!!