Now that Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s are behind us, retailers are blanketing the shopping universe with cut-out hearts and God-awful sugar treats emblazoned with “Be My Baby,” designed to get us opening our wallets again for Valentine’s Day (presumably a time to buy your spouse what he or she REALLY wanted after you dropped the ball on Christmas…) I love Valentine’s Day, in all its pink and red glory, but I must confess that I find the lesser-known commemorative days more fun.
We have Laughing Day (January 10), Weedless Wednesday (January 23), Pork Rind Appreciation Day (February 3), World Whiskey Day (March 27), Waffle Day (July 10), Mosquito Day (August 20), International Sex Bomb Day (August 31), 50 Llamas Day (November 1), and my personal favorite NATIONAL HONESTY DAY (April 30).
I’m always entertained by couples who brag that they are always “totally honest” with each other. They’ve usually been married less than a year. Total honesty is to a marriage what a souped-up Mustang is to a new male driver…a crash just waiting to happen. While it can be somewhat acceptable, and even cute, when your 5-year-old announces loudly that “Mommy’s boobs show in that dress” or “Great-Aunt Bertha smells old” (and what child doesn’t love to crack up a room?), they will eventually learn the more lasting value of The Marital Lie.
“Do these jeans make me look fat?” “Do you really want to go with me to my family reunion in South Dakota?” “Do you think my sister is pretty?” “I tried a new recipe. What do you think?” “I’m turning 50 tomorrow. Do you think I look 50?” “My parents are fighting. Do you mind if my mother stays with us for a few days?” If little Johnny is paying attention at ye ol’ dinner table, he’ll quickly learn that the “totally honest” answer to any of these questions will get Daddy rocket-launched out of the big people’s bed faster than he can stumble over “That’s not what I meant, sweetie.”
Kenny and I recently heard the marital lie, in its purest form, in the dumbest movie ever, where the dying wife, gasping her last tragic breath, tells her husband she wants him to fall in love again and be happy without her. I DON’T THINK SO. I told Kenny that that woman is stupid, and it was a MOVIE. If I go first, he’s allowed a tiny, brief period of mourning (I’m thinking two weeks oughta do it), then he’s to keel over dead from a broken heart and join me in the afterlife so we can be together forever, LIKE HE PROMISED.
In the meantime, go warm up the car. We’re going to Great-Aunt Bertha’s for dinner. Yes, she still has 12 cats and a goiter. But you always said you liked her.
So true. I love your concept of the Marital Lie.
So very true and this is one marital lie that I am so with you on!!
I just BURST out laughing reading this! Oh my Lord, so DAMN funny!!! The end rocked the free world!
Ha ha ha! Honesty has it place as well as a few face saving bold lies!
“no! it doesn’t matter to me! As long as you enjoyed yourself”
lol
I enjoyed your Post*
*no, really!**
** I don’t *really* need to elaborate on my contribution to the M-Lie collection
Oh thank you Vikki for another great Friday laugh…this was fantastic and sooo true! Marital lies like you described are a must!
This made me laugh. I’ve been married for 5 months TODAY! So that’s kind of cool, right? And the marital lie is already established. Apparently, I look awesome in stretch pants.
My husband and I were joking about Star Trek characters last night. I confessed who I’d kiss. He confessed that he could go for the ship’s counselor or Tasha Yar. I’m surprised we could be that honest, though, given that our 11th annviersary is coming up next week. HAHA.
This was so hilarious! TY. I needed that!!
Shoooooot. No one would stay married if they were totally honest with each other!!! In unrelated suggestions, we should do a really fun link up for International Sex Bomb Day!!!
Yes! It just got funnier and funnier! Loves the dying wife movie bit – so true!
Thank you again, Vikki, for the belly laugh. All I have to do is keep reading Laugh Lines, and I swear I’ll live another year or two. Then CJ can put his own death off too. ;)
I haven’t mastered the marital lie yet. Right now, it’s MUCH more fun to tell hubby the truth and watch him launch into orbit. :D
That’s why you are so funny – because the truth is hysterical! Marital bliss = little white lies every once in a while. Ha!
Funny and true! April 30th will not go up on my calendar, but I could get behind July 10th!
Hahahaha, YES, YES, YES to everything!! I’ve actually had this conversation with my husband!!
P.S. I nominated you along with 10 other bloggers for the Liebster Award. I posted on my blog about it here:
http://confessionsofafailingdomesticgoddess.blogspot.com/2013/01/liebster-award-oh-my-gosh-i-didnt.html
You don’t have to participate, but please let me know if you do!! :)
Hi
Thanks for mentioning World Whisky Day.
World Whisky (Whiskey) Day is actually May 18th 2013.
Thanks.
Lying is part of a healthy marriage, I say! I don’t tell my husband his belly is getting borderline ewwww, and he doesn’t tell me he hates my short hair cut. It works for us. lol
LOVE IT! My husband once was “honest” with me when I asked him a question that was a lose-lose in terms of his being able to answer. So he decided to answer honestly. And I looked at him in absolute disbelief…”really?? really?? that’s the answer you want to go with??”
He now white lies to me all the time and we are much happier!
Hilarious, because it’s true. You don’t want total honesty, honesty is why my husband & I broke up 50 times when we first started dating. When he learned how to craft the truth into something you can share with another human, THAT is when we learned to live with each other. He knows I don’t ever want his total honesty again. EVER!
Funny coinky-dink, I posted about Valentine’s Day on the hump day hookup today too. Great minds!
Another HUGE laugh for the day! Many thanks, Vikki. That was REALLY funny!
Yes, yes….I, too, have had myself a chuckle or two at the expense of the newly married when they say stuff like that. In my head, I am saying, “Yeah…you just wait…”
I also agree with you on the deathbed thing…I would like for Chris & I to be like the couple at the end of The Notebook.
Thanks for the laughs today, Vikki!
Pfft. I’ve been married almost three years and I know damn good and well total honesty is BS.
Yes, I’ve totally placated my husband just to get him to shut up. What wife hasn’t? Besides the over the moon newlywed wife determined to please her hubby until she finally clues into what a lying SOB he is that is. *ahem* I, of course, say this in jest. Maybe. We all lie. Period. Anyone who claims to have never fibbed to their spouse/SO/live in companion/whatever is FULL OF IT. Just sayin’…