Okay, I confess. I’m on my third marriage.
I usually admit to only two, because my first marriage was a short-lived, youthful mismatch. We parted ways a few months after the I do’s, and we’ve never crossed paths again. My second marriage lasted for 16 years, but ended when we grew too far apart to find our way back as a couple. Hubs and I have been together for 15 years, and plan to pass away together, holding hands in our old age. But the statistics are not on our side.
Studies report that 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. That number actually increases with each successive marriage, with third marriages coming in at a 73% failure rate. Ouch. Fortunately, I came out of my two previous marriages only slightly scathed, and a little bit wiser, determined to learn how to go the distance.
My third-marriage “God Save Me From the Hell of Divorce” Lesson Plan:
1. It isn’t always your turn. If your bucket list includes a stint as a circus clown, by all means, use the joint savings account to go to clown school at night while Hubs makes dinner and bathes the kids. But next year, when he announces he’s joined a ridiculously expensive “Golf Lessons Around the World” club, just smile and cut the check.
2. Leave a little mystery. He loves your soft, smooth skin. He doesn’t need to know that it requires a strict regimen of daily exfoliation, twice-weekly shaving, monthly bikini waxing, and an array of tweezers to snag those unexpected hairs that sprout up on your chin with mortifying regularity.
3. Sometimes it’s better just to shut up. Not every subject or feeling needs to be verbally explored and analyzed like a petrie dish in Chem class. That’s why God invented girlfriends.
4. Avoid comparing your marriage with friends, movie or TV couples, or country ballads. Friends don’t always tell you everything about their marriages. Movie couples, who spend inordinate amounts of time having uninhibited, marathon sex, are actors. And that country crooner who belts out a #1 heartbreak song about lost soul mates has been divorced more often than every cougar in your kid’s PTA group combined.
5. Pick your battles. Is it really that important that he stop using the decorative couch pillows as a headrest? Yes, they’ll eventually need cleaning. So clean them. Or replace them. But it’s just a pillow. Let it go.
6. You can be right, or you can get laid. Good to remember when stubborn tempers begin to flare.
7. Brag about him. Like you used to when you were dating. You were charmingly annoying, constantly reminding girlfriends how gorgeous, smart, funny, and fabulous he was, how lucky you were, and didn’t they all wish they could be you? Now it’s, “He’s an idiot, and if he thinks we’re going camping, he’s a crazy idiot.”
8. Keep each other’s secrets. When you live with someone for years, there are going to be personal things about him that the general public doesn’t know. He slept with his piano teacher when he was 17. If he sees a spider, he screams like a girl until you kill it. He always wanted to be a rock star, but has no actual talent, so now he air guitars it in the shower every morning. You give up the right to share this information with anyone outside the marriage, ever, by the law of ethics and sportsmanship.
9. Sometimes going to bed angry is the better choice. If things have reached the point where “If he says one. more. word. I’m going to put him down,” it’s often more judicious to part company and get some sleep, rather than pushing forward until one of you blurts out something in an exhausted, alcohol-fueled moment that can’t be taken back.
10. Don’t stop having fun. What did you do together before? Before the kids, the mortgage, the bills, the IRAs, and the aging parents. Do that again. Or find something new. All work and no play make both of you boring.
11. You can’t change your partner. What you married is what you get. If there’s something fundamentally “wrong” with him, stall on those wedding invitations until you figure out if you can live with it for the rest of your life.
12. Be yourself. If you have Pop-Tarts in your glovebox, or if you hate exercise, tell him. Many marriages tank because we try too hard to be “flawless,” until we eventually collapse into an exhausted heap, face-planted into the candy bowl we keep stashed in a drawer under our workout gear, until finally confessing that the root of our weight-loss struggles is not, in fact, an inherited thyroid condition.
13. Some days, you won’t be “in love.” Some days, even his breathing will just piss you off. And some days, he’ll feel the same way about you. We’re not in high school anymore, all doe-y eyed and breathless every single day. As long as neither of you does anything stupid during this time, these moments will pass.
14. An affair has never fixed a troubled marriage. It’s like borrowing money to get out of debt. It’s stupid, and rarely ends the way you imagined it. If your marriage is struggling, bringing Bubba the bartender into the bedroom virtually guarantees it’s immediate demise. Don’t even think about it.
15. Marriage is not a 50/50 deal. “I’ll give half and you’ll give half, and that will be fair.” This works if your kids are splitting the last Oreo. But in a marriage, some issues don’t have an obvious halfway marker. This causes many couples to become obsessed with determining what exactly their half includes on any given subject. Each party needs to give 51%. Their half, and just a little bit more. That “little bit more” is what separates the Kardashians from the Newman/Woodwards.
And there you have it. I’ll look for your 50th anniversary party invitation in the mail.
All VERY good tips, but “You can be right, or you can get laid” is a GREAT one.
Thanks, Sarah! I’m kind of a slow learner, but I think I’m getting it! :)
I’m on my second and totally get this! Especially learning how to hold my tongue.
Jennifer, that one is one of the most difficult for me (which might explain the first two divorces!) :)
That is one fabulous list. I’m in a relationship that will eventually (God willing and the crick don’t rise) be his third marriage and my second. I don’t know if it’s maturity or just having risen from the ashes of previous failed relationships, but we have pretty much come to most of your rules on our own as well. We even have a weekly “summit” where we discuss all of the issues that have come up during the week at a time when they are neither immediate nor particularly emotional. When I want to stab him because he turned off the upstairs light and I can’t see walking up the stairs at night AGAIN, I just “save it for the summit”, rather than starting a fight at bedtime that will go nowhere but bad. Amazingly, it works.
Cassandra, love the idea of a weekly “summit meeting”! You’re right, most issues are better addressed NOT at the time of the incident.
A big hello to both of you Cassandra and Vikki,
I loved and laughed a lot with the list for good lovers….just a comment on past relationships and their “ending”: maybe it was what you and the other significant one were able to give and receive and reached together…at that time. so lets not see that as a failure but part of the adventure of living different phases of our being with different partners that are also in the same vibe :)…grosses bises!
Frederica, thank you for that! You’re right, we didn’t “fail.” We experienced, we loved, we moved on. :)
Sounds like you’ve figured it out Vickki. Love you tips.
Three times a charm!
I’m working on it, Nancy! Fortunately, Hubs #3 has a sense of humor! :)
I’m on my 4th, but two to the same man and your list is absolutely right on the money, girl!
Carol, two to the same man? I’d count that as 1 1/2! :)
Your timing is perfect with this excellent list, Vikki. At least it is for me. Hubby and I are knee-deep (literally) in the frigid throes of winter right now. There are days we stay home and never venture out of the house if we don’t have to. That means more “together” time than usual … and that means that I could really use your helpful tips right about now – all of them. Thank you! :)
Marcia, glad you enjoyed this and that it might help put a smile on your face when you’re snowed in! That’s a test of true love! :)
The going to sleep not having made up is a serious truth. Early in our marriage we wanted to always go to bed in love. Now we realize that time will bring some perspective and that’s not a bad thing.
Alyson, Especially when he hasn’t finished apologizing, and you’re both exhausted! He can continue apologizing in the morning! :)
When I think back on my relationship with my ex-husband, the more I think I wasn’t really, truly true to myself. I’m not saying I was totally misrepresenting myself, but I didn’t let myself be me with him. I will NOT make that mistake again!
Kat, I finally got there too. You’re a quicker study than I am! :)
Yes!! To all of this! I’m on marriage #2 (though it’s really more like marriage #1 since the other was a year and more on paper than anything) and have learned to pick my own battles. We’re both fiercely stubborn and often fiercely independent so it can make for some interesting moments around our household.
Kim, my mother used to say when you’re getting ready to go to battle, ask yourself, “Will this matter in 20 years?” If so, by all means, roll up your sleeves and let ‘er fly. If not, consider letting it go. :)
#3 and #6 are stellar. And I’m gonna start letting him use the tapestry pug pillow as a headrest.
You’re right; that’s why Gid created dry cleaning.
Linda, funny enough, I really struggled over the decorative pillows. Same with the guest towels in the bathroom. God, I’ve got to lighten up! :)
This is a wonderful read, thank you – a great list to build every relationship with, lovely.
You’re welcome, Cindi! I’m not an expert. I’m just “experienced”! :)
I’m on my third as well…it’s the middle one that I usually ignore.
I’m a big fan of the third one. Except for when he’s annoying.
Michelle, two…three… Who’s counting? :)
i love the advice anout bragging on him and keeping his secrets. Too many long term couples seem to forget how to talk kindly of each other.
I agree, Samantha! One of my biggest peeves is couples who take passive-aggressive shots at each other in public. Don’t you two remember being in love? I always want to say “STOP THAT.” :)
Sage advice. Just got an invitation to a friend’s shower. It is her 4th although she doesn’t count #2, but I was there to the wedding and the shower to every single one! She’s an optimist my friend.
Haralee, we humans…We never stop believing in love! :)
Thanks for giving me hope on a third round!
Nancy, it would seem so! Hope never dies! :)
My first marriage lasted 12 years; I had a four-year hiatus in between, and now hubby no. 2 and I are closing in on 33 years. Your tips are great advice. Best wishes for continued happiness!
Thanks, Eva! 33 years? You should have written the post! :)
I think every bride at her bridal shower should be given this blog. Vicki your experience would help many newly weds.
I am a firm believer of pick your battles. In November we shall celebrate 45 years of marriage.
And always remember………to have fun!!
Thanks, Barb! Maybe I should make a handout, instead of wedding favors! :)
3. Sometimes it’s better just to shut up. Not every subject or feeling needs to be verbally explored and analyzed like a petrie dish in Chem class. That’s why God invented girlfriends.
Just needed to see that again! What a great article. If I ever get married again (it would be #2.5 because #1 was a blink of the eye starter marriage) I’ll pull these out and review them.
Thanks, Laura! My girlfriends and I are big believers in allowing for 1/2 marriages. Anything under a year definitely qualifies! :)
I’m on marriage number 2 and I always say I’ll never divorce him…although murder might one day be an option.
Bahahaha, Rena! I love that. Murder, yes. Divorce, not an option! :)
Ended my second marriage and am voting “No on 3!” I decided instead of “Three’s a charm” they must’ve meant “Three’s a funny farm!” Not nearly as funny as this list though– hilarious!
Thanks! I’m love that you found it funny. Makes my day! (And the third one kind of snuck up on me. I wasn’t looking either. So you never know!) :)
Your list is great. After 30+ years of marriage I have found “brag on him” so true. When I find myself upset with my husband and want to say something negative, I try remembering all the good qualities I like about him. And suddenly the negative fades away. And the more I brag on him – and he hears about it – the more he tried to live up to my comments about him.
Great idea, Barbara! Sometimes I try to put myself in another woman’s shoes, to see what she would see. Takes me back to what I fell in love with 15 years ago! :)