I recently saw an article whose headline offered tips for women to help them love their bodies. They proclaimed that it was “time to rebuild your love for your amazing body and what it could do,” and to “believe in your beauty no matter what your size or shape.”
Naturally, I’m open to any advice on how to be more self-confident in a society that worships youth and toned thighs, so I got all giddy and sat down to learn how to love myself no matter what. Half an hour later, it was obvious that after 58 years of beating myself up for not being taller, leggier, prettier, more perfect (and now, younger), those “18 EZ Steps to Body Love” weren’t as easy as the writer suggested.
1. “Stop avoiding your body. Try to spend more time naked. Learn to belly dance. Wear a bikini.” First of all, naked is not my best presentation. Push-up bras get the girls back up there. Spanx compress jiggly behinds into butt cheeks you could bounce a quarter from. Sleeves cover underarms that resemble flying squirrels whenever you lift your arms. A bikini?? Dear Lord, I may as well just start going braless and living in a t-shirt that says “I’m old, droopy, and flabby, and I don’t give a crap who knows it.”
2. “Stop checking your body for flaws.” I’m usually pretty good at ignoring things I don’t like. But some things you just need to know. And since checking for lumps and bumps on the backs of my thighs requires reaching down towards the floor and sticking my upside down head between my legs, and I’m not a Romanian gymnast, I simply hike my skirt up and yell for Hubs to come deliver the bad news. He still thinks I’m hot. Really, he does.
3. “Stop comparing yourself to others.” I don’t. Only to women who are thinner, younger, prettier, and better dressed.
4. “Stop dieting or restricting food intake.” I’ve been doing this one for 50 years. Give me a spoon and a jar of Nutella, and watch the blur. Hasn’t really worked out so far.
5. “Throw away your scales. Stop obsessing about the numbers.” Then how will I know if I’m fat?
6. “Lose the ‘Shoulds.'” I should work out every day (Not gonna happen in this lifetime). I should have taken better care of myself (A little late to worry about that now.) I should stop drinking wine (Have we met??)
7. “Don’t confuse having a bad day with being fat.” “The cat puked on the carpet. And I’m fat”.”Hubs just hired a new assistant named Trixie. And I’m fat.” “The dishwasher blew up and flooded the kitchen. And I’m fat.” I’m not confused. I’m fat.
8. “Turn off the TV.” But I love shows about rich, skinny, stunning women who repeatedly screw up their glamorous, entitled lives. If I can’t be richer, thinner, or more gorgeous than they are, at least I don’troll for a soul mate on national TV, wear nipple pasties so “guys will look at my face instead of my boobs and take me more seriously,” or get a DUI on my way home from my 7th $10,000/month stint at rehab. It’s just so much fun.
9. “Put down the magazines.” Where else can I find photos of fabulously beautiful women, to show to my hairdresser so she knows how to make me look? Yes, the last eight stylists have quit on me, but number 9 is looking good.
10. “Practice body acceptance. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations.” Instead of “I hate my back fat,” we should say, “I look radiant.” Tried that one in the bathroom that night. I was laughing so hard, I tripped over my scales and toppled out the door, landing in a Downward Dog position, butt in the air and face on the floor. I looked over in the wall mirror and said, “Yeah, I still got it.” Positive affirmation. Boom.
11. “Talk about it.” Welcome to my blog.
12. “List your achievements.” I don’t need to remind myself that I’m a good person, who loves her Hubs, her kids, and her Chihuahuas. I also play the piano and quilt like a rock star. What the hell does that have to do with a butt that does the Jello Jiggle when I’m standing still??
13. “Treat yourself to things that make you feel good.” What makes me feel good is wine, chocolate, and long naps. How do you think I got here in the first place?
14. “Wear comfortable, flattering clothes.” If I could find any, I would. Skinny jeans and stilettos are flattering. Yoga pants and flats are comfortable. And life’s not fair.
15. “Don’t criticize anyone else’s body either.” I stopped judging female body shapes and sizes decades ago. Ever since I realized I’ve been working on those last 10 pounds since 1974.
16. “Learn to accept compliments.” Seriously?? I love compliments. Bring them on. But they still won’t change the numbers on my scale at tomorrow morning’s weigh-in or the fact that I can’t get into last year’s jeans without a shoe horn.
17. “List the things you like about your appearance.” I couldn’t help but visualize the moment, after my unexpected demise, when Hubs finds a written list in my office that reads, “I have a pretty smile,” “I like my small feet” and “I have great clavicles.” I can hear him now, “That’s what you were writing all those times you were locked in your office??”
18. “Stop striving for perfection. It doesn’t exist.” I can’t help it. I’m a striver. The difference between good and good enough is always just one more step away.
Maybe confidence can come from knowing I’m trying.
It’s a dreary Monday morning, and reading this just made me laugh OUT LOUD while nodding over and over again…
Thank you for making my day, with your hilariousness Vikki!!!
You’re welcome, Chris! I love that you laughed out loud. You just made my day! :)
Years ago, I took a 3-week course called “Love Your Body.” Among the exercises we were supposed to do was stand naked in front of a mirror for 15 minutes every day. Yeah, right. All that did was give me focused time to really home in on all the flaws. I tolerate my body (more so when it’s fully clothed) — and actually do feel quite grateful that it’s gotten me this far. Function over form, as it were. Thanks for another great post, Vikki!
I’m with you, Roxanne! What idiot thought that standing naked in front of a mirror would made us love our bodies more?? :)
I adore this. Thank you for the reminders!
Thanks, Michelle! Glad you liked it! :)
I love number one :-) we are on the same topic mindset today yet you make a really good point I had not considered.
Thanks, Carla! Glad I could make you smile! :)
I love this list. It’s a fabulous reminder of how we should treat ourselves and respect our bodies.
And it’s entertaining, too – which I expected because you always make me smile. :)
Thank you, Andrea! It makes me happy when I can make someone smile in the morning! :)
Hilarious as usual Vikki! I always look forward to Monday mornings because I know you are going to be here to make me laugh!
Thanks, Rena! Glad you enjoyed it! We’re a mutual admiration society, the two of us. Love your writing!
Girlfriend has been fighting cancer for 5 years, and we were talking in her hospital room yesterday. “I hate my body,” she said. I looked at her, surprised. “I see it differently,” I told her. “Your body was strong and healthy and has served you well as have successfully fought this disease.” Blessings to all who need to hear a message like yours, in humor, or mine, in seriousness.
Thanks, Carol! Yes, there are many different ways to get through serious times. Be strong, and toss a little humor in every once and awhile! :)
I’ve kind of given up. I can’t say I love my body. But I’m tired of worrying about it. Thanks for the great response.
I’m with you, Anne! I’m not sure I’m learning to love it, so much as learning to live with it! :)
Great article!!! I was feeling really low when trying on some of my clothes yesterday that just don’t fit!!! Gotta love the advice in the article. Thanks
Thanks, Pamela! I understand how you feel. Nothing says “I’m fat” like clothes that don’t fit anymore. Ouch! :)
I’m not very good at following any of these. Still, I keep trying. Here’s one I can live with: “Remind yourself that you are not fat, you have fat.” I.e. yes, I have some fat, but that’s not all I have.
Love that, Adela!
You make me laugh, Vikki.
My pleasure, Adela!
Thanks, Vikki! I love your advice … you always make me laugh.
You’ve made my day, AGAIN! Keep doing what you do … you are a blessing to all women.
Cheers,
Susan
Thank you, Susan! What a lovely thing to say. (Blushing) Love seeing you here on Laugh Lines!
What a great post. Psychologically sound advice presented, with its challenges, in a humorous way that got me to read entire post. I loved it. But I’m still fat.
Thanks, Alexandria! Sometimes advice, even when you know it’s good, is tough to carry out. :) Following you on Twitter! :)
Such a great list!! Some friendly reminders to just be ourselves, and forget the worry. Thanks for making me smile today!
Thank, Renee! Love that I could bring you a smile! :)
Spot on, Vikki! Thanks for the reminders, and for the laughs. :-)
Kelly
http://www.alovelylifeindeed.com
This post is soooo true. Love your body. For me, it’s like saying, “There’s nothing wrong with gum and dog crap stuck to your shoe,” because that’s usually how I feel when I look at my body. I keep saying to myself that I’m going to eat healthier, workout more, enjoy life a little better, as I finish off a pint of Häagen-Daz. But it’s the thought that counts, right?