I love love. We all love love. Especially new love. Your heart beats faster when your partner pulls into the driveway. You get all giddy when your phone rings and you see that it’s him. You love the tiny laugh lines around his eyes. Even his breathing fascinates you.
That’s called “Phase 1.” It’s a near-constant state of romantic euphoria, during which you risk an Amish shunning by your girlfriends if you don’t stop waxing on about how amazing, gorgeous, and great in bed your new man is, and don’t they all wish they were you? Phase 1 is filled with delightful discoveries about each other every day. There’s a level of uncertainty and newness about the relationship and your future together. This rarely lasts.
After a few years, the newness inevitably begins to fade. We know (really, we know) our partners. We’ve seen them in every possible state and condition. We’ve heard their stories, and we know the punchline to all their favorite jokes. We know where all their family skeletons are buried. We know what they like and don’t like to eat, and how they take their morning coffee. Nothing is off-limits or private. We’re in Phase 2.
Phase 2 can be every bit as loving as Phase 1. And it gives us a kind of “marital street cred” by having achieved this emotional comfort level with our partners. But many couples cite the loss of intensity or intrigue as a contributing factor to the decreased passion in the marriage. Combined with the feeling that we know everything there is to know about our spouse, it can begin to feel like we’re married to our best buddy. Or our brother.
How do you know if it might be time to get a little Phase 1 back into the marriage?
When you talk about him to your girlfriends, you frequently mention that “relationships aren’t always unicorns and glitter.” Any woman over 40 knows that what you really mean is “Harold is a jerk when he’s stressed, and he’s always stressed. I want you all on my jury after I snuff him in his sleep.”
You openly criticize him in public. Instead of the daily soliloquies on his amazingness, you now start girls’ lunch conversations with “He thinks I want to go fishing with him. But he’s an idiot.”
Little quirks or jokes that used to seem endearing or funny, that he repeats to everyone you meet, now make you want to smack him. You find yourself thinking, “If he does that snort-laugh one. more. time., I’m going to scream,” or “If he tells that shopping joke to another sales clerk, he’s going down.”
The sex has become predictable or repetitive. Or nonexistent. If you have sex with the TV on so you can hear the next episode of The Walking Dead from the bedroom, it might be time to have a chat with Hubs. While it’s true we’re not the randy rabbits we were in our youth, if you need to check your day-planner for the last time you had sex, you might want to make sure that that’s the last time he had it too.
You haven’t shut the bathroom door since 2009. There are some activities that we simply should do in private. That’s why builders put doors between the bedroom and the bathroom. Rooms with toilets visible from the beds are called jail cells. Doing your potty business, popping menopausal pimples, or squishing your thighs to check for cellulite, are all better done without an audience. When he fantasizes about getting you under the sheets, he doesn’t need the visual of you yanking out chin hairs with tweezers stuck in his head.
You no longer say “I love you.” This isn’t about the shout-out from down the hall when he’s leaving for work, or the automatic “Love you-Love you too” couple’s phone sign-off. I’m talking about the last time you stopped what you were doing, put down your phone, looked him in the eyes and said “I. Love. You.” Huge difference. Huge.
You actively watch TV or text while talking to each other. This is rude and dismissive. I don’t even try to talk to Hubs while he’s watching Gonzaga play, because it pisses me off when I’m trying to talk to him and he keeps glancing at the TV like he can’t wait for me to shut up. (He says he feels the same way when we’re in the middle of a conversation and I start texting the kids. I get it.)
You no longer have random displays of affection. You used to hold hands in public. You touched each other. A hand on the arm. A quick hug or light kiss. (No public porn, please.) Spontaneous, outward signs of intimacy have gone away, and you can’t remember when that happened. But now holding hands seems juvenile and PDAs are embarrassing. You think it feels like groping. Apparently he agrees.
When you fight, it’s no longer cute. Fights during Phase 1 usually end quickly, with a coy “Oh my God, are we fighting?”, immediately followed by enthusiastic make-up sex. Real-life fights in a marriage can be smackdowns that include references to Hubs’ dead grandmother’s obnoxious alcoholic uncle and how Hubs is behaving just like him. Chalk up another sexless night in your day-planner.
You don’t laugh together anymore. Your conversations have become limited to your overdrawn checking account, the kids’ education expenses, your jerk of a boss and how you should have his job, or Hairball, the family cat, and whether his chronic irritable bowel syndrome means you need to put him down. Your relationship, while “stable,” isn’t fun anymore.
Now before you start shouting at me that you and your Hubs share every intimate detail and bodily function, and you’re still crazy in love, I think that’s wonderful. By all means, carry on. I’ll go sit quietly in the corner with a doughnut and a Diet Coke. But if you’ve ever felt like you’re married to your brother, consider closing the bathroom door. You might like what happens next.
I have no idea what phase hubs and I are in…but we still like each other and we still laugh. A lot. I’m counting it as a win. :)
Absolutely, Michelle! If you’re still laughing together, it’s always a win! :)
I think we’re doing okay on most of these – might need to do a bit of work on a couple of them though….
Leanne, I think we could all use a little nudge now and then to be a little more thoughtful, pay a little more attention, and remember why we fell in love in the first place. It’s the little things that count the most sometimes! :)
Been together 56 years and enjoy our time together. There is a great difference in being in love and loving someone. But you are right about the way society sees thing. We are of a different generation. We made vows and meant them and plan to keep them all our life. Blessings to you
Peggy, 56 years? I’m eagerly awaiting your book on how to make it work for a lifetime! And your second comment was brilliant. “There is a great difference in being in love and loving someone.” I might have to borrow that one (with due credit, of course!) :)
Some good advice and good tips. All of us in phase 2 can use them. :)
Thanks, Krista! I think all of us in Phase 2 is a huge group. Maybe we can start our own community of happily married Phase 2’ers! :)
I’ve been married to my husband for 35 years and love him more each year! I wouldn’t trade for the excitment of someone new.
oops…excitement!
I’m with you, Nancy! The inevitable passing of Phase 1 doesn’t have to mean the death of passion. Couples that go the distance say it just keeps getting better! :)
You are a firm believer in closing the bathroom door or separate bathrooms. Not a bad suggestion!
Haralee, yes, I am! I have several girlfriends who do all their business with open doors, and I love that they do that so easily. Having had two dads, my current husband (and a couple of spares), and three older brothers who relentlessly made fun of the girly-girl routines of my sisters and me, I am a close-and-lock-the-bathroom-door woman for life. I figure if they can’t see it, they can’t get it stuck in their heads! :)
Being married is the best and there are many ways to have fun.
Michael, you’re absolutely right! And as long as you’re having fun and laughing together, you’ve nailed it. :)
I think everyone’s relationship is different. Whereas my and my hubs have a sarcastic type relationship where we like to joke a lot and carry on, but I know we love each other. Others have a different view on our marriage and think “That’s crazy!” To each his or her own. As long as it’s working, keep at it.
Great post, Vikki!
Thanks, Bren! You’re spot on. Whatever works for you as a couple is between the two of you! I have a girlfriend who verbally spars with her husband all the time, and people who don’t know how nutso they are for each other always think they “don’t get along.” :)
It’s sad what can happen to relationships when people take each other for granted. After 43 years of marriage, hubby and I still laugh together and yes, we hold hands or link arms in public :) There were several rocky periods over the years, but we were dedicated to working things out and now, we get along better than ever.
I love that you’re making it work, Debbie, even through the bumpy patches. Hubs and I still hold hands in public, and we get teased about it (in a good way) from friends on the street. And the laughter? It’s what makes everything okay. Nice to see you on Laugh Lines! :)
These are fab tips! David and I still “date” each other.
None of the above! Ha! HaPpY DaNcE!!!
Very good advice and funny too! I really got that stopping to say I love you reminder. Thanks!
Bathroom door closed tight thank you!
Married 32 years and the bathroom door remains tightly closed! Yeah! Definitely in Phase 2, but still holding hands everywhere we go!
Awesome as usual! Love this. We have been thru Phase 1 and 2 and after some work from both of us are heading back to Phase 1.
We are at 30+ now and we are in phase “Wow, it can really be this great!”
Agree on all points Vikki! Regarding the bathroom – I was with my first husband for 17 years and we never saw each other in the bathroom. Now with my new love for 13 years and it’s the same. I have NO desire to see what he does in there and NO desire to have him see me on the toilet. Talk about killing the romance.