I watched a TV reality show a few weeks ago that congratulated a woman on winning a “Total Beauty Makeover.” She was apparently the ugliest one of the contestants, and the judges decided she was most in need of a complete overhaul.
At the end of the show, there was, of course, a giant blowup of her “Before” photo, used as a backdrop as she walked out onto the stage, beaming with smiles, flashing her perfect, white teeth and tossing her shiny, newly blonde hair (complete with extensions) and wearing a wildly expensive outfit (including stilettos) that I’m assuming she plans to wear every day for the rest of her life.
Then they brought up a new backdrop that showed what the makeover cost. Oh. My. God.
My mother always said that the difference between a beautiful woman and a plain one was either God or a ton of money. Well, what God didn’t give this women, she bought (or won) for herself.
This got me thinking about how much women can spend trying to look “better.” Thinner, prettier, younger. We live in a society that worships youth, and the further it slips away, the more we’re willing to spend to get it back.
Flipping through several women’s magazines at a local grocery store, I mentally tabulated the fashion styles or beauty products they were pushing to midlifers who wanted to look younger. It’s a zillion dollar industry, and it became obvious that we don’t balk at higher price points if said products will git ‘er done. And the gap kept widening between what we spend on ourselves when we’re young and perky, and what it costs us to stay that way when we’re…well, not.
Jeans then: $20. Levi’s 501 button-up. Everybody wore them. The Ray Ban of jeans. Cool factor off the charts.
Jeans now: $145. They need to fit our mature curves, boost our sagging butts, and flatten our post-baby bellies, all without smooshing everything over the top like a giant banana-nut muffin at Starbucks.
Shoes then: $19 at Ross. Sexy, fabulous, killer heels. Uncomfortable as hell, but we looked so good, we didn’t care.
Shoes now: $120, with cushioned insoles and arch support, in low heels or flats. We look like Hobbits, but we need comfort, damnit. Especially on that side with the bunion.
Handbags then: $39 for knock-off Kate Spades or Louis Vuittons. We own six. Our friends don’t know for sure, and we’re not telling.
Handbags now: $300+ for one authentic Coach bag that we carry with everything. Girlfriends know at a glance, and we’re too old to pretend.
Underwear then: $8 at Target for a three-stack of lacy panties and $10 apiece for matching bras designed to hold up two Chiclets that could stay up on their own accord.
Underwear now: $85 at Nordstrom for industrial strength bras with Kevlar underwire that can hoist those babies up where belong. $78 at Spanx for tiny spandex tourniquets designed to compress, flatten, and reposition recalcitrant body parts that have gone rogue from gravity and questionable lifestyle choices.
Bathing suits then: $19 for a tiny tube top and a brightly colored piece of dental floss to tie around our perky hips. We’re Bo Derek, running on the beach in a bikini, still firm enough that our boobs don’t flop out and whack us in the face, and the imperceptible jiggle in our butts is still considered hot.
Bathing suits now: You’re kidding, right? $75 for mom-shorts, a tank top for tanning, an oversize straw hat, and a white shirt to pull on if we’re actually going to ever get up off the chaise to go to the bathroom, lest anyone see our flying squirrel underarms, the cellulite on our thighs, or our southbound cleavage.
Hair care then: $30 for the Herbal Essences combo-pack of shampoo, conditioner, and hair gel. $10 for pink leopard blow dryer from Claire’s.
Hair care now: $59 for 3-month supply of Rogaine for Women. $42 for shampoo and conditioner to restore thinning, color-treated hair. $30 for gel and styling paste to make hair look fuller and shinier. $60 for ginormous blow dryer that filters “ions” and protects aging hair from falling out entirely. $82 every six weeks for hair stylist to revive our faded hair color and hide the grey, while still looking “natural.”
Skin care then: $20 for Proactive Kit or Neutrogena cleanser and lightweight moisturizer.
Skin care now: $40 for cleanser and exfoliator. $60-$100 for moisturizer that promises to tighten, brighten, lift, nourish and renew our tired, middle-aged faces. $75 for the serum to put under the moisturizer because it can apparently only do so much and we need concentrated help. $18 for sunscreen during the day. $87 for collagen-boosting night cream, because we’ll believe anything. $400 for quarterly Botox session to remove what our $90 moisturizer couldn’t fix.
Body care: $15 for soap, deodorant, and toothpaste.
Body care now: $55 for soap, in-shower body exfoliator (that dead skin doesn’t slough itself anymore), body lotion for dry or damaged skin, and deodorant. $12 for whitening toothpaste (more red wine, anyone?), $400 for whitening trays from the dentist, and $50/month for bleaching gel to put into the whitening trays.
Makeup then: $18 for tinted moisturizer. $25 for a cute kit at Sephora that includes mascara, lipgloss, four eyeshadows, liner, and blusher. With brushes.
Makeup now: $60 for anti-aging foundation. $140 for eyelash growth serum. $60 for eyeshadows and blushers that don’t look like a child’s glitter craft project. $25 for thickening mascara. $35 for lipstick and matching liner, because we no longer have lip lines. $18 for eyebrow pencil (to put back what we’ve been plucking out since we were 16).
Tanning then: $40 for a summer pass to local tanning bed. $3 for tanning bed protective goggles. $8 for tanning oil accelerator.
Tanning now: $26 for 30+ sunscreen for face and body. $48 for “natural” spray-on tan that doesn’t streak. And because everyone knows that tan fat looks better than white fat.
And we wonder why we’re always broke.
The other morning, Hubs suggested we get up and go look at houses to buy. I told him to give me an hour or two, because I need time to find another job. Maybe he’ll consider a yurt.
do yurts come with walk in closets?
Seriously funny stuff, but dayum, it’s true!
Thanks, Cate! Sadly, it IS true. But all we can do is laugh! :)
When you add it up like that, it really is pretty ridiculous what we spend just to “maintain” ourselves. But when you say it, it’s still funny. Thanks for starting my week off with some chuckles.
You’re welcome, Roxanne! And the best part is that there is never enough money to take us back to when we actually WERE young. So WTH are we thinking?? :)
This must be the real reason for investing in my IRA’s….who cares about retirement…I just need to look good!! jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Jodie, I’m with you! What good is an IRA is you can’t use it for something important?? :)
Oh my gawd, I never added it all up before! Woah! I need time to process all of this.
Hysterical, as usual.
I’m out of teeth whitening goop for my trays, I wonder if Crest White Strips work as well? How much do they cost? . . .
Kimberly XO
Kimberly, they don’t work as well as the goop. Fortunately, once I paid for the trays, the goop is about $30/month. Totally doable! :)
You are right! It is so damn expensive to age gracefully! I love when I meet women my age who say they wear little make-up because their husband/partner doesn’t like it on them or think they are beautiful with-out. I think, really? You are believing this?
Haralee, that made me laugh out loud! My mother always said, “He may tell you he likes his woman au natural, but his mistress is anything but.” Ouch! :)
Wow! If I am in my early 40s now and still subscribe to the drugstore all-in-one shampoo/conditioner and the free sample lotions from hotels, perhaps no one will notice me aging into a crone. “She looked like a dang hippie before and she still does!” I will save the money for a really NICE yurt. :)
Debi, and you’re gorgeous! I’m jealous of women who can do it all for less. It takes a level of confidence I’m still reaching for! :)
I am in total agreement! I feel like Liz Taylor with Helga’s budget and it just sucks, but what can we do. Age gracefully? I think not haha!
I agree, Rena! I’m going out kicking and screaming, holding onto my Retin-A! God, I’m shallow… :)
This is so true. I was laughing so hard because everyone will age and its really not so dreadful, or at least I don’t think so. New wrinkles are showing up on upper arms, but if you hold you arms out straight the wrinkles go away. Picture that lol
You’re right, Linda, but when I hold my arms out straight, my turkey waddle underarms start waving like wind socks. Sigh… Wouldn’t it great if “wisdom” also came with perky boobs? :)
Just yesterday, Axiesmom was looking for a bargain (bargain?) on one of these restoring products that actually was sold in a .2 ounce (that’s point 2, two TENTHS of an ounce) size. Apparently our income and credit rating aren’t good enough for anything larger.
Bob, yep, you know you’re on a budget when those sample packets they give you at the store have to last a week! :)
I’m waiting for the sheep-dip vat of all-in-one rejuvenating cream. Just hold onto the hand-dandy little bar and let your self be lowered into the vat. Then pulled up, squeegeed off and lowered into your moomoo of choice.
Taa-Daa!
Diane, what a brilliant idea! Let’s get together and figure out how to make one. We’ll be rich (at least enough to pay for our own product!) :)
Growing old gracefully? HA! I spent $96 on a wrinkle\baggy eyes cream 6mos ago–still waiting for the old wrinkles to disappear, along with the new ones, & the bags are beginning to carry more baggage!
I feel your pain, Cheryl. Magic eye creams, boob-lifting lotions, and cellulite-diminishing creams…When will we learn? :)
Oh how true everything you said is. We are like lambs to the slaughter. LOL. How guilty are we all.
Yes, Lisa! Apparently we’ll believe anything that promises eternal youth! :)
Taking care of ourselves is expensive.
It sure is, Nicole! Hubs uses all-in-one body/hair wash and a little cologne, and he looks great. There’s no justice! :)
As usual I am LMAO at your post. Love it
Thanks, Pamela! Music to my ears! :)
This is so accurate. Great writing. Leigh
Thank you, Leigh! Love that you stopped by to comment! :)
That is hilarious and (sadly) true! I remember asking my friend’s grandmother what what her skincare secret was for her beautiful skin and it was Pond’s Cold Cream. I sometimes toy with the idea of giving it a go, but just can’t quite believe it will really work. If it would, it would sure save a lot of money. Great read!
Adena, my mom used the same thing! I’m with you. I keep considering it! :)
I loved this! It is so true! Times sure change don’t they?
Yes, they do! And if women ruled the world, our hips would get smaller and our boobs would get higher with every passing year! :)
I’m not sure when I started buying swimwear based on how much skin it hid, but I think that is when the decline started…….I still miss the “me” that wore the teeny tiny red bikini – she was the one with the pert boobs and a tiny bum *sigh*
I agree, Leanne! I look at pictures from 30 years ago and think, “Why was I so afraid to wear a bikini??” :)
Still haven’t found a pair of jeans that will do all those things… but I’m looking!! I really enjoyed your post. It provided a good needed laugh!
Kathy, I agree. Jeans are tougher to find than swimsuits. Of course, the last time I bought a swimsuit was in 1982! :)
Although this was very funny and I certainly agree — one of the most important things is to realize aging and beauty comes from the inside — and I am not talking personality. I am talking about taking the right supplements to prevent aging. When I point that out to my clients and they make the necessary changes, it is an absolutely amazing metamorphosis. I’ve had 40 year old women come back in a couple months and say that people keep asking them what they did to look so young. You are never too old to start – I even have 80+ year old clients. And the best part — you are increasing the longevity of all your cells.
I agree, Carol! Sometimes we forget that healthy is always more beautiful. The old saying “You can never be too rich or too thin” is only half true! :)
Um, thank you God?! Ha! As for all those beauty products that I CAN’T afford, I guess that means I’ll live longer. Oh, and THANK YOU GOD for a rockin’g Goodwill thrift store five minutes from my house!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’re funny, Lisa! I’m with you, stem cell cream from a Peruvian rain forest is just going to have to be in someone else’s bathroom. I’m considering going to Pond’s cold cream. Worked for my grandma, and available at Walmart! :)
OMG, yes! Not to mention the dietary changes–breakfast then, diet Coke and a donut. Now, steel cut oatmeal, probiotics, One a Day silver, decaf with splenda. And yet the muffin top persists…
I had forgotten how much I loved my 501 button up Levi Jeans. You know what! Forget the mummy jeans, and thank God that low rise foolishness is over. Those show your thong jeans were just wrong at any age. The latest, I call diaper pants because they remind me of the pull up pants that I used to put on my son when he was a toddler. When did we come to this. All in one elastic band waist jeans. It must have cost a tenth of the price tag to make.
I will search the thrift stores, raid the consignment stores and I will find affordable quality clothing because they don’t make them like they used to.