With baby boomers making up a significant percentage of the national population and now reaching their 60s and beyond, much has been written about the joys and pains of growing older.
On one hand, we tend to be more at peace with ourselves and our lives, whether from cumulative decades of meditation or from slowing down the frenetic pace of our youth, trying to have it all and do it all simultaneously. Our marriages are either solid, having weathered storms and shared triumphs, or we’ve worked up the courage to pack up our wheelie cart and announce, “I’m out of here. I refuse to live with your loser ass one more day,” finally understanding that sometimes we’re happiest alone.
Our kids are grown and launched, free to succeed or fail from their own choices, enabling us to finally let go of the feeling that every mistake they make is somehow our fault. (“Little Johnny robbed a bank? Where was his Mama??” Well, “little Johnny” is 30 years old. His Mama is done.) We’re often more spiritual, possibly because “what happens next” matters more at 65 than it did at 25, and we’re feeling on the clock to figure it out.
On the other hand, we struggle through menopause, tossing Hubs out of bed every night at 3 a.m. to rip the soaked sheets off the bed and open all the windows in near-frigid temperatures. Our bodies morph into shapes we don’t recognize, until we start selecting underwear less for it’s Come Hither appeal than for its ability to hide back fat and temporarily defy gravity (at least until we take it all off, at which point our body parts come crashing down like wet sandbags, becoming a more effective prevention against sex on top than any amount of fundamentalist preaching about the sanctity of the missionary position). People no longer look at our grandchild and ask “Is that your daughter?”, and senior discounts are automatically deducted from our dining tabs, without ID. Buffed young hotties offer to carry our groceries, but no longer look at us “that way.”
Yeah, sometimes getting older just blows.
But then one day, a friend sent me an email, with some of the funniest truths about aging I’d read in…well, ever. I laughed out loud for days and showed them to everyone I know. I have no idea who wrote them, so I can’t give proper credit, but these are hilarious. Now I’m sharing them with you, in hopes that they will add a little silliness to your day. We’re all getting older, and sometimes, all we can do is laugh.
Adult Truths:
1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on Step #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. Bad decisions make good stories.
10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
12. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my 10-page technical report that I swear I didn’t make any changes to.
13. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. It’s 2 a.m. in there too.
15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I’d bet that on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Light than with Kay.
16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” option.
17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger, so I usually eat anyway, just in case.
18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word someone said?
19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent one jerk from speeding up and cutting in at the front.
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. But pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
21. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phones, or pinning the tail on the donkey. But those same people can find and whack the snooze button from 3 feet away, in 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
22. The first testicular guard, or the “Cup,” was used in hockey in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1974. That means in only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Quit laughing, ladies.
Maybe this aging thing isn’t so bad after all.
Truth. Truth. Truth. Hysterical. What a great way to start off a Monday….totally amused.
Vikki,
What a great way to start off the week. I’m still laughing out loud!
Loved so many of these truths. Thanks Vikki for starting my day off with a smile.
Nodding at every single one! And I may have Googled how to fold a fitted sheet once, but soon realized I’m fooling myself. Who cares if I just roll them up and stuff them into the cabinet. :)
These days, my balls are so saggy that something the size of an helmet is required to be effective as a testicular guard!
#22 is the funniest of the lot. Thanks for the smile (make that laugh) to start my day.
Haha these are great– and I already relate to a lot of them! That either does not bode well or just means I’m an over achiever and ahead of the game ;)
All true. Might I add- not giving a shit about what anyone thinks! It’s liberating!!!
Agreed on many points. Yes, I reread obituaries multiple times looking for cause of death (or even a clue in the “make donations to” suggestions). If it is included, then I ramp up my preventative measures against that particular malady– for a week or so.
“There is a great need for a sarcasm font.” – Brilliant!
HYSTERICAL!
Vikki, YOU ROCK!!! Thank you for ALL the laughs, girlfriend. I love it when I see what you’ve got next for all of us. This was absolutely hilarious. I’m SHARING on my page. Hahahahahahah…Hehehehehheh :-) A big thank you!
You just made my day, Vikki. These are perfect and I know just the right people who will “get it”. Giggle…giggle…
I’ve seen a couple of these before, but a lot of them were new. Thanks for sharing!
Very funny list and very true. I love the one about looking at your watch three times and still not knowing the time. I have not even changed my watch to reflect Daylight savings time because it doesn’t matter! I am also obsessed with reading the obituaries and I too want to know how they died! In honor of St. Patty’s day I wrote a blog about my family’s obsession with reading the obituaries. “What are the Irish Comics.”
Good stuff. Thanks.
Absolutely loved this! Thanks for sharing it and making my afternoon!
When I stopped laughing long enough to read #22 to my husband, he smiled and said, “Way overrated, the brain.”
So true and too funny of a list. Why is there no light in the freezer????
The last one is the best! I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes. Still not sure whether I’m going to share it with my husband. ;)
I do #1 all the time. And the last one is great.
Priceless, as usual, my friend! I do wonder if it was a typo or no not (“no coincidences” as the saying goes) about spending decades in mediation, or was it meditation? I’ve done both–for decades– yielding about the same results in terms of inner peace.
Love, Susan
–fold a fitted sheet? There’s an app for that!