Hubs and I recently heard that some close friends of ours were splitting up after twelve years of marriage. We thought they were happy together, and we couldn’t figure out what would implode what seemed to be a strong marriage or if there was anything we could do to help. Shortly thereafter, the guys met up for burgers and beers at a local sports bar. I’d specifically instructed Hubs to do some sleuthing, and when he arrived home, I was full of questions about what he found out. Five minutes later, I was sorely disappointed.
“What did he say about the marriage?” “Nothing. It didn’t come up.” “What do you mean ‘It didn’t come up’? Did you ask??” “Of course not! Geez, guys don’t ask about stuff like that.” Seriously, dude? But it’s true.
Friendship for women includes sharing. We get involved in each other’s lives. We enthusiastically and unabashedly swap details about marital road bumps, menopause, empty nests, weight struggles, bad hair days, family dramas, and career changes, and endlessly debate the all-important “to Botox or not to Botox,” without reservation. We’re there for each other, and we speak the same language.
Girlfriends are better shopping buddies. They will cheerfully go back with you to the same store three times to try on that dress just one more time, to make sure it’s the best choice.
Girlfriends “get it” even when we don’t make any sense. “I was so depressed about my weight last night, I ate an entire box of Thin Mints” will make a man crazy, but your girlfriend will instantly make you feel less pathetic by telling you her story about the time she dented her hubby’s sports car, and then hid it in the garage while snarfing down a half-gallon of Ben and Jerry’s as the family slept.
Girlfriends will let you vent without interruption or offering unsolicited advice about what you should do. You’re furious with Hubby for forgetting your anniversary? “I’m listening. Yes, he’s an idiot. Here, have another glass of wine and tell me everything.”
Girlfriends will let you brag. Got a promotion? A hot new man? Hubby did something uber-romantic? We’ll provide the applause (and maybe a sigh of loving jealousy).
Girlfriends help keep the passion alive in our marriages by reserving all discussions about our sudden-onset urge incontinence, recurring yeast infections, thigh cellulite, or this morning’s discovery of our first chin hair, for girls’ night out, effectively preventing the unfortunate visual from being seared into Hubby’s brain, to be replayed every time he sees you naked.
Girlfriends understand the emotional landmines of aging. Once-perky breasts now resemble deflated wind socks. Previously porcelain skin now looks more like beef jerky. Tank tops in the winter because it’s so damn hot in here. We can reserve these topics for the gender that understands because they live it too. And we’re a kick-ass support group.
Of course, not all BFFs are created equal. By the time we’re 50-something, many of us have several best friends, with different personalities and bringing different gifts into our lives. (Note to my tribe: I changed the names for your privacy, but you know who you are!)
Linda. She’s your best friend from childhood. Your sister from another mother. She knows your every secret, but would never tell. Over the years, you’ve swapped clothes, traded boyfriends, synced your periods, and took turns hanging out the car windows during your shared menopause years. She cheerfully wore that hideous mint green maid-of-honor dress at your wedding, and years later got you through your divorce while managing to prevent your need for rehab. She can spend hours regaling your adult children with stories about your misspent youth (a crush on David Cassidy, Mom? Seriously??). And no matter how long between visits, conversations can pick up where they left off because she knows all your key players. You never had to re-introduce the characters with “No, Frank was my first husband. Harold was my second one, remember?”
Tori. She’s the one that tells it like it is. She loves you, but isn’t afraid to tell you when it’s time to buck up and get over it. She has no tolerance for “wallowing,” and her advice is usually good, if not gentle. Hate your job? “Quit.” Hubby is a jackass and treats you like crap? “Leave him.” Feeling fat? “Join a gym.” She firmly believes that we are all ultimately responsible for the quality of our lives, and she’s often just the person to get you up off your whiny hiney and get you moving towards what you say you want.
Val. She’s everything you’re not. She’s who you would love to be if your could be someone else for a day. Where you’re introverted, she’s the life of the party. Where you avoid confrontation, she’ll charge right up to the rude salesclerk and ask “What the hell is wrong with you??” Where your clothing choices tends toward yoga pants and t-shirts, she rocks the black leather jacket and distressed jeans. When you’re with her, you feel more daring, more willing to take risks and be noticed. If you were ever going to buzz-cut your hair or get your first tattoo at 58, she’d be your wing man.
Bitsy. Simply put, she knows everything about everybody. She’s fun, loves to dish, and makes you laugh like nobody’s business. If you don’t know what’s going on around town, or who’s doing what with whom, she’s your go-to. She can brighten your worst day with a quick text message, “OMG. Meet me at 6. NEWS.”
Lamar. He’s your best boyfriend. Every woman needs a man in her life that isn’t trying to do her. Men have a different perspective on things and can often help us see situations from another point of view. But opinions and advice from our partners can appear to come with hidden agendas (getting laid or discouraging our spending). He doesn’t want to sleep with you and doesn’t care what you spend, so he often seems more trustworthy in the advice department. And somehow you know that when he tells you that you look hot in that dress, you know you do.
I would not survive without my women friends–for all the reasons you articulate in your usual witty way. I might add the BFF who’s into the spiritual/metaphysical side of things, and who’s there for you when you need to go there to explore and perhaps find answers that aren’t evident otherwise. Not so much woo-woo, just incredibly open-minded to new ways of looking at things.
Roxanne, you’re absolutely right! I forgot the spiritual friend. I have one, and she’s wonderful. Just goes to show that we can’t have too many besties! :)
How true! I love my female friends. Thanks for this great reminder.
You’re welcome, Shari! This was a fun one to write! :)
Hey Vikki! YES! Female friends are wonderful and your story about how guys “friend” is so true. I couldn’t believe it either when my husband came home after having lunch with a friend following a breakup. Same thing. He never even asked!!!! When we have friends like you mention then no matter what happens in our lives we can laugh about it and move on. Thanks for the reminder! ~Kathy
You’re welcome, Kathy! Yes, I grew up with three older brothers, a dad and stepdad, and three husbands. Not one of them ever comes home with “the dirt”! :)
The one thing I regret, *a wee bit*, about moving away from the city to a little town is how hard it is to make friends at our age. It’s like being the new kid at school all over again, which I did annually for twelve years. But, I take the challenge seriously and, thankfully still have access to my besties on social media!
I agree, Barbara. It’s hard to start over with a new circle of friends, especially when you’re our age and you’re in a town with women who have been friends since they graduated high school together. I’ve lived most of my life in a small town. I was gone for 25 years, though, and felt like I was starting over again when I came back. Keep smiling your gorgeous smile, and you’ll be back in the social saddle soon! :)
This is excellent!
It’s fantastic how we can have multiple “besties”!
(I have four!)
Each so completely different from each other….
Each bringing their individual strengths and personalities,
and able to invest in our lives in their own,
perfectly unique ways!
I love each of them for exactly who they are!
Thank you, Warrior Woman! I love the fact that as we get older, we can have more than one “best friend.” You’re absolutely right. They each bring different wonders into our life. :)
I love my girlfriends. I took a trip through the South and came home and mentioned I wanted to buy a deep fat fryer because we ate such incredible fried food on vacation. My girlfriend told me I did not want to make this purchase. Of course she was right! My husband told one of his friends and the next thing you know we are having deep fried turkey for Thanksgiving!
Haralee, I had deep fried turkey a couple of years ago, and you’re right, don’t buy a deep fryer. It’s TOO GOOD, and soon you’ll be deep frying your brownies. Okay, maybe that’s just me… :)
Nothing like girlfriends and gay husbands! They are a must. You are spot on – straight men sharing nothing with each other. It is quite extraordinary. I don’t know how they do it….but they all do it! For my husband, I am his one and only best friend. But, for me — I need to talk things out more…….get more advice and support from others and him.
Thanks, Ellen! I agree. It’s fascinating to note the differences between men’s friendships and women’s friendships. They usually have one female bestie (you) and one male bestie from childhood or college (even if they rarely see him). We, however, are more “tribal”! :)