Snoring Husbands: A Guest Post with Tina, Lauren, and Marcia
Tina, Lauren, and Marcia, and are dedicated writers and mom bloggers who make no bones about their quest for a good-night sleep! Today they confess to being kept awake at night by loud snores from the body sleeping next to them, their husbands!
Tina of the One Tired Working Mommy blog, Teaching/Beauty/Lifestyle/Parenting: “Miraculously I nod off, but then wake with a start. Something is wrong. Crying? Oh, [my son] Casey is crying. I hop out of bed and find Casey running back and forth in the living room doing a sleepwalk version of the potty dance. I grab him because I know he is going to pee any second, but because he is still asleep he can’t find the bathroom. We run to the bathroom and I yank his pajama bottoms down to his ankles and position him in front of the toilet. He all but sighs with relief as he answers the call of nature. For the second time in one night, I take him back to his room. I toss a blanket over him and skip giving him another kiss . . . I go in my room and notice that it is 3:15 a.m.
“ ‘God, when I said I needed sleep I meant more than twenty minutes worth,’ ” I grumble. Apparently one should not grumble at God. He has a way of getting the last laugh. Five minutes later my husband begins to snore, quietly at first, which I try to ignore, but soon the whole room is rumbling with his inhales and exhales. Resisting the urge to smother him with a blanket, I elbow him in the side and he rolls over.
“ ‘God, if you let me fall asleep now, I can still get ninety minutes of real sleep, please. You know, that stuff they call REM. Pretty please!’ ”—Tina Bietler, Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness: Mom Stories from the Trenches.
Lauren of the Lo-Wren blog, Muse/Mom/Maven: “Earplugs are how my husband and I were able to share our marriage bed. He lovingly bought a jar of cute pink earplugs for me just after we were married and those suckers became my prized possessions. I tucked pairs of earplugs in my purse for emergencies and in my toiletry case for travel. I had forgotten to pack my earplugs on one occasion and I paid for it dearly. If I remember correctly, my mother-in-law was astounded by the quantity of coffee I consumed that day.
“If my husband’s snore was a gentle, heavy breathing type of snore, I would gladly be lulled to sleep by its rhythm each night. Instead, my husband’s snore is one measured in decibels, the noise reaching Guinness World Record proportions and enough to shake the bed and rattle the roof. Not only is my husband’s snore loud, but he also has a startle-snore in his repertoire. If you’ve ever experienced this, you know exactly how loud and freakin’ scary it is to be jolted awake by the gasp-snuffle of a startle-snore. Horrible.
“When our son came along, I begrudgingly had to retire my earplugs. There was no way I’d be able to hear his newborn middle-of-the-night, I’m-HUNGRY cries with my earplugs in. Our solution was borne out of necessity: my husband moved to the guest bedroom on another floor, leaving me sans earplugs with a Queen-sized bed all to myself. Our altered sleeping arrangement was a win-win situation, with me able to grab two consecutive hours of sleep between feedings (without being awoken by snoring) and my husband able to get solid sleep to be able to function at work during the day.”—Lauren B Stevens, “An Ode to Earplugs.”
Marcia of the Menopausal Mother blog: “I finally nod off at 2:00 a.m. Forty minutes later I awake to the loud rumbling of a freight train roaring through our bedroom. What fresh hell is this? I pop up and look over at my husband. He’s snoring peacefully beside me, his lips fluffing out with each whistling exhale. My accusatory glare is wasted on his sleeping form, so I elbow him awake. “Stop snoring! You’re keeping me up!”
“He mumbles an apology and slaps a Breathe Right strip across his nose, which makes him look like Muhammad Ali in the boxing ring.
“After a few minutes he spoons against me and fondles my backside. For the love of all that is holy, I JUST WANT SLEEP!
“My husband grumbles something incoherent and rolls back over to his side of the bed. I marvel at his ability to fall asleep in seconds. I count cracks in the ceiling for another hour until my lids close. Just as I am nodding off, the mattress shakes like a coin operated, vibrating bed in a cheap motel room. Did I forget to mention that my husband has restless leg syndrome? He rubs his legs together like a cricket and kicks field goals in his sleep. His constant twitching, kicking, snoring, and farting make me want to kick his Muhammad Ali ass out of the bed.”—Marcia Kester Doyle, Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness: Mom Stories from the Trenches.
OK, my dear readers, now it’s your turn! Leave a comment and tell us about your partner’s bedtime habits that keep YOU awake!
Want to read more stories by sleep-challenged moms, stories that will make you laugh, shed a tear or two, inspire you, and make you feel like you are NOT alone in your sleep-deprived, post-baby world? Be sure to check out Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness: Mom Stories from the Trenches!
“From start to finish, this book is a gem. I can’t think of a mother who shouldn’t read it, whether you have a newborn or grown children, you will totally relate to these funny and heartwarming stories. This second edition includes 18 new essays from some amazing authors. Having bought the first Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness, I was delighted to read this new edition. One of my favorite quotes from the book: ‘Organic homemade cakes made out of kale and promises.’ This book is funny and then funnier.”—Stephanie Marsh of We Don’t Chew Glass.