Those of you who have followed my blog (bless you!) or are related by friendship or DNA know that Kenny and I have a marital chore system that basically puts him in charge of all things outside the house (yard work, home repairs, car maintenance), and relegates me to all thing inside the house (laundry, cleaning, household errands). This system work beautifully about 9 months out of the year, splitting the chore list quite evenly and fairly down the middle.
The winter months, however, are too cold and crappy for anyone to spend much time outside, so Kenny hits the couch somewhere around mid-December and doesn’t get up again until mid-March. I don’t like to whine (okay, I do, so I’m going to), but if there’s nothing to do outside, maybe a little help inside wouldn’t be out of the question?? There’s a huge difference between leaving your dirty dishes in the sink when you’re dashing outside to repair a leaky rain gutter, and leaving your dirty dishes in the sink because Bonanza starts in 3 minutes and you need to get comfy before Little Joe’s horse falls down the well.
In one particularly non-stellar moment, I went on a 3-day business trip during the winter and returned home to find the breakfast dishes from my breakfast 3 days prior still in the sink (because the “dishwasher was full.” SERIOUSLY??), now-moldy wet clothes still in the washing machine (“You’re so picky about the dryer settings, I didn’t want to chance it.” They were towels), and the master bathroom looking like a busload of Beta Theta Pi’s had stopped off for a quick pee. Tired and red-eyed from a 6-hour, white-knuckle drive over icy mountain roads and staring at an hour of cleaning before blissful bedtime, I snapped.
“In my next life, God,” I shouted, “keep the pony, the thin thighs, and the winning lottery ticket! I JUST WANT A WEINIE. APPARENTLY IT COMES WITH LIVE-IN MAID SERVICE!!” I don’t know how God felt, but poor Kenny was horrified. “Oh, don’t look at me that way,” I barked. “You thought the garbage was going to walk itself out to the garage before I got home??” Admittedly not my best presentation, but stepping OVER 3-day old beer cans instead of picking them up while on your way to the kitchen to get another beer tends to bring out my cranky monkey.
A few days went by and things (yeah, me) settled down to their familiar routines. Then I came home from work last night, and Kenny had cleared out a space in the garage for my little car, out of the rain (yay!). When I got into the house, he had dinner ready, the kitchen was spotless, and the wine was poured. Scented candles were burning, the laundry was folded, and the dishwasher was fixed (don’t ask…) Wow! A friend stopped by and laughed, “Gee, maybe he’s having an affair!””WHO CARES??,” I sighed happily. “Life is sweet!!”
Janine Huldie says
Awesome the end and can Kenny teach Kevin a thing or two!! But seriously the beginning of this made me feel right at home, lol!!
thedoseofreality says
HA HA HA!!! This is awesome! We so feel your pain, especially about the stuff that is just left out in plain sight.-The Dose Girls
Kate says
Love this! And totally agree! Sometimes the boyfriend surprises me by cooking dinner… but then assumes I’ll do the dishes in return. Double standard!
Cheryl Nicholl says
So funny- So True!!!!! I think we have the same husbands. Weirdos.
Marta J. Charles says
Love it! Another laugh for today :-) Thank you for putting a smile on my face, darlin!
Mary Beth Grotjohn says
Oh I have just found your blog and absolutely LOVE your reactions to life. Thank you so for taking time to write each anecdote! Someday, hopefully sonner rather than later, I want to takle my own blog. I find yours to be an inspiration and refuse to look at it as an intimidation :) Mary Beth…almost 70, retired teacher, lifetime learner!
Haralee says
Wow, if he does toilets, please loan him out!
Emily says
Sounds to me like you got your message across loud and clear…good for you! I think I’m going to try that one soon the next time I come home to a dirty house, which is likely to be within the next few days, if not hours.
Dad says
you are the boomers IRMA BOMBECK go girl! Dad
Tammy R says
You never, ever disappoint, Vikki!
This past week, my mom was visiting and we drove six hours to see family. When we returned, CJ had done all the grocery shopping and mopped. Mopped! He does that only when I say, “Let’s clean the house for 15 minutes before our shower and see how much we can get done!” For three days, I said, “Did I thank you for _____?” He replied, “Yes, three times today already,” with a smile. Spare him the mother-in-law, and Voila! Clean floors!
Holly says
I don’t think its and affair…a little melt-down once in a while can really go a long way with waking the hubby up to your reality.
I love your ‘shouted’ Prayer…I just have to share this post with my hubby, LOL.
Holly
Mama G says
Yes, yes, yes, yes and … yes. Thank you. Love it!
Emelie says
Way to show him!!! :D
KC @ genxfinance says
When wifey gets cranky, we hubbies behave accordingly… You ladies are the boss. lol
RJ says
:) Loved this post. Understood your frustration. Liked the happy ending.
Maryl says
As soon as you explained the division of labor, I saw a problem that would eventually surface. Surprising that it took you so long to react. Somehow men don’t see what we see. There’s a phenomenon in my house: no one puts a new roll of toilet paper on the toilet paper holder except me and the rolls are close by. So little effort. So naturally I’m the only one who can’t walk by the garbage that sits by the door and has to go to the garbage room just a few step away in our coop. It’s the small things. Sounds like Kenny has been converted. Lucky you.
Mercy says
Love this!!! Men and housework, don’t get me started. While there are times when my hubby will do dishes or clean something if I really need help, the housework is mine. (We lived in a shared house so there is no yard work for him.)
I work on Sundays so he is home with the kids and the house. Unless he is feeling helpful (or there is no game on t.v.) I come home to any mess I didn’t take care of before I left. I do get that he is tired from working long hours at two jobs six days a week and that it is his only day home, but gee, how long does it take to wash the dishes after you feed the kids?
Granny Beth says
By March I’m homicidal and Darling Husband is making live-in-maid jokes.
He’s an intelligent man, a kind man, a loving man who after 20 years doesn’t have a clue what days are garbage days. I’m glad that I’m not alone.
Walker Thornton says
Hilarious and right on, as usual! Kenny does sound like a keeper though….
Molley@A Mother Life says
OMG! What is it about men? Mine leaves dishes on the sink too because the dishwasher drawer must have a combo lock on it or something…However it is quite amazing how they change when you have a little freak out ;) good for you. Made me smile knowingly.
Carol Cassara says
Brother-husbands. Or sister wives. That’s the answer. ;-)
Julie DeNeen says
Ha…who cares is right? That sounds heavenly!
Doreen McGettigan says
I feel this way in the winter and just had a meltdown after having to shovel because he forgot to have someone do it.
Funny post but serious problem :)
Sharon Greenthal says
My husband will walk by the flyers on the sidewalk left by solicitors just to piss me off. Otherwise he’s pretty helpful.
Amy Gurley says
First of all, I freaking LOVE that pic at the top. Priceless. Also, men seem to like to use that excuse, don’t they “Well I don’t know how YOU do it, and you’re picky”. Wow, my ex-husband did that too. Note the “ex” part. Actually, he was pretty good at making things clean. (making and keeping are NOT the same thing…) when he cleaned something, man he cleaned it. But good luck getting him to do it more than one a month.
Mis Anthropy says
It’s not just weinies, teenagers believe in the Clean House Fairy too.
Travels with Tam says
Love it! A good blow up works wonders.