I have a theory about advice. Other than the obvious “If I didn’t ask for it, you can safely assume I either don’t want it or have no intentions of following it,” it’s been my experience that regardless of the topic (parenting, marriage, sex, careers), most advice is fairly generic. Sort of common sense, with a splash of bumper-sticker cliche to give it some weight. “Be patient. This too shall pass.” Or “When God closes a door, He opens a window.”
Relationship advice, like all others, can be sorted into two groups. The good and the stupid.
Good relationship advice includes:
- Don’t try to change or fix each other. What you married is what you get. If you don’t want to be married to a person with those faults, don’t date a person with those faults. It significantly reduces the chances of falling in love with that person. And it would save years of stress for everyone involved if you could figure that out before the wedding.
- Pick your battles. Is it worth fighting about, or are you just cranky because you accidentally dropped your new iPod into the toilet? If it’s worth going to the mat, then roll up your sleeves and get into the trenches. But if you’re just in a pissy mood, breath and let it pass. Pour yourself a generous glass of wine. Then sip it silently.
- Make the marriage a priority. You put significant time and energy into building your career, maintaining your health, raising your children, and being there whenever good friends call with needs, but your marriage is supposed to take care of itself?
- Talk to each other. Every once in a while, put down your cell phones, turn off the TV, and talk to each other. The subject matter is less important than the intent. It’s a connection between the two of you. And when one of you is talking, the other should be listening.
- Have fun together. Laugh. Get goofy. Lighten up. As my mother always said, “In fifty years, we’ll all be dead and none of this will matter.” Life is short. Eat the doughnut.
Stupid relationship advice:
- You can always get divorced. Great marriages never leave this option on the table. Once introduced into a relationship, it’s now a possibility whenever the marriage hits a speed bump. If this is your emotional safety net, keep it handy, because you’ll be using it someday.
- Better to say nothing than to start a fight. That’s called the Silent Treatment. What are we, like, twelve? It’s juvenile and works more like gas on a fire. More often than not, now you have two fights pending.
- Marry for money. As they say, “Love don’t last. Money do.” “They” are idiots. I know so many happy women who’ve done that. Oh wait. Actually, I don’t know any.
- Never go to bed mad. Because it’s way better to continue your alcohol-induced brawl until one of you cries “Uncle.” Or shoots the other one.
- If the sex gets predicable or loses its intensity, bail. And miss all the fun of rekindling? Not on your life.
Every now and then, advice comes to you that is epiphany-level awesome, causing actual changes in your behavior and leaving you wondering why you didn’t think of it yourself, years ago. Or it’s so bad, you’re stupefied as to how the person dispensing it ever found a job, got married, or talked anyone into reproducing with them.
The Winners of Laugh Lines’ Best and Worst Relationship Advice, Ever.
Best Advice:
I was watching “Hot in Cleveland” on Netflix, starring Betty White, one of my favorite comedy actresses. This is exactly the kind of show that usually sends Hubs running down the hall for a solo evening on eBay, searching out cheap sports team t-shirts (50 cents, free shipping…don’t ask). But tonight he decided the couch looked comfy enough to sacrifice what he calls “30 minutes of my life I’ll never get back.” So he settled in to find out why Ms. White is such a phenomenon.
About halfway through the episode, she was advising her co-stars about middle-age sex. She looked into the eyes of her group, with a straight face, and stated, “The jockey should always sit straight up on the horse. Otherwise, your breasts fall over to the sides and get lost in your back fat.”
Hubs was laughing so hard, he fell off the couch, and now wants to order the entire series. The visual of Betty “sitting straight up, on top” is permanently seared into our brains. Then I had a flashback to when I was a young girl and my mother had me walk up and down the stairs with books balanced on my head to improve my posture. I’m not sure this is what she had in mind, but I’m thinking of sending her a Thank You note.
Worst Advice (The donor shall remain anonymous, for reasons that will become immediately evident):
“Whenever your marriage gets a bit stale or you’re going through a rocky time, go out and have a fling. It will remind you that you’re still beautiful and desirable. You’ll take that increased self-confidence home to your husband. You’ll also be in a better mood and not as irritable. And even better, great sex makes you want more of it, which is a win-win for both of you.”
WTH??
Since Hubs doesn’t loan out his golf clubs, I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and assume he’s not going to be on board with this particular plan for lasting marital bliss. Any conversation that starts with me saying “Gee, honey, I just got back from boinking my dentist. I’m feeling super hot and sexy right now. Oh, don’t look at me like that. I did it for us,” has about as much chance of turning out well as the time I accidentally backed over the neighbor’s prize-winning cat’s tail, resulting in a unfortunate left hook and instantly tanking the little hairball’s blue-ribbon streak.
So what did I learn from this particular nugget of wisdom? If you can’t give good advice, give really, really, reeeeally bad advice, and you’ll still win an award. And thanks, Betty. I’m going to get some books and start working on my posture again. Apparently I’m at the age where this matters.
Hahah..the anti-advice. Yeah. N0.
I agree, Michelle! It’s going to be tough to get up a willing group on that one. :)
Whoa, you got me with the “put down the cell phones, already” one! Good point. :)
I know, Suzi! You would think that wouldn’t need to be stated, but we’re a cell phone society! :)
The one piece of good advice I ever got from my mom: A stiff prick has no conscience. She had me out of wedlock in an era when that was not cool. So she came by her advice the hard way, so to speak. P.S. Betty White is the bomb!
Roxanne, I’m kinda loving your mother a little bit right now! :)
Oh. My. Word. Can’t get enough of Betty. Or you! ????
Thanks, Diane! She is wonderful, isn’t she? :)
YAY Betty!
Paula, my sentiments exactly! :)
I loved this Vikki! Hilarious as usual. Betty White is amazing I love her!
Thanks, Patrick! Always fun to hear from the “other gender”! :)
I loved this Vikki! Hilarious as always. I commented earlier but for some reason my husband’s name popped up which is beyond weird since he’s never been online in his life. I must have something messed up as usual! I love Betty White and you of course!
Thanks, Rena! Hubby never goes online? Bring him over and I’ll introduce him to his new best friend. My Hubs has never ever gone on Facebook, or ever read one of my posts! :)
Thanks for this funny and down-to-earth post. So glad we have Betty White!!! We all need some sane relationship advice from time to time.
You’re welcome, Mimi! Yes, I hope to be Betty White when I’m 80. She just keeps making it happen! :)
So great! The kind of advice I like…all of it!! :0
Thanks, Laurie! I agree. It’s all good (but Betty’s is the best!) :)
There is some great comedy writing on that show and Betty’s delivery is the best part, my opinion. Our former fabulous intern only dates guys that fill her set criteria. When I asked her what would happen if she just met someone she liked randomly would she date him. She told me no because she has her criteria of what a partner is and that is that! Millenials can be wise. No trying to change someone for her!
I agree with her, Haralee! Too many marriage go south when the other person won’t change into somebody that wasn’t even at the wedding, if you know what I mean. :)
“What you married is what you get.” This is the best advice ever! Why do so many women marry and then think they are going to change their partner???????????? People tell you who they are by showing you who they are!
My sentiments exactly, Ellen! When a girlfriend complains to me that her husband won’t “stop doing this” or “start doing that,” I gently ask, what did he do when you were dating? :)
Good stuff, Vikki! And Betty White – LOL!!
Thanks, Lynne! And she’s fabulous, isn’t she? :)
Thanks, Vikki. I forwarded your words to my stepdaughter of 31 years. She’s 47. She loves Betty White We went through a groom-to-be that got cold feet two weeks before the wedding! But, our family made lemonade and she went to Tahiti alone! She is mostly healed…..but I want her to get into a good relationship. So far, another dud has come and gone. She is so beautiful, it’s almost a liability.
She will like the Good Advice and will get what Bad Advice is.
Oh by the way, I am going to Los Barriles, Baja, and I can’t wait to see Patricia who lives there in the winter. She is missing a doozy of a winter in HR! Your ears will be burning when we sing your praises over a glass of red wine!
I look forward to seeing you in June.