Kenny is sick. Not as in “dying from incurable disease,” but as in “if he doesn’t stop whining, I’m going to snuff him in his sleep, so if you don’t hear from me for the next few weeks, you should start looking in countries that don’t have extradition treaties with the U.S.”
I knew we were in trouble when he woke up a few days ago, moaning and coughing, and announced “I think I have H1N1.” “You do NOT have H1N1. You have a cold.” “I’m not kidding,” he hacked. “I think something is really wrong.” “You have a cold.” “But what is this stuff?” he asks, shoving a disgusting wad of Kleenex in front of my face to show me what he’s been hawking up since 3 a.m. “Well, without looking at it, because I quit inspecting snotty Kleenexes when Jake left home, I’d say it was, well…snot. You have a cold.” “I’m going to die,” he moaned. “That may be true,” I replied, “Especially if you ever ask me to look at your snot again.”
And so the day began. He moaned. A LOT. He sighed. Heavily and often. He sneezed. Oh dear God, he sneezed. MONTANA knows he sneezed because they could hear him, and probably got hit with the overspray. Tissues were piling up on the floor of every room faster than snowfall on the Andes (Did he think I was going to pick those up?? Not without a Hazmat suit. You blew on ’em, you pick ’em up.)
I repeatedly suggested he go to the doctor and get something (for the love of God, ANYTHING) to help with the symptoms. Nope. “Don’t need a doctor, and don’t need medication. Why don’t you just take care of me?” he sighed. Yes, I’ve read all the stupid articles that say men want their mommies when they’re sick, so I felt a need to go on record as saying I am NOT your mother. And furthermore, next week, when you’re feeling better and maybe a little sparky, I’m not sure “Mommy will make it all better” is going to be able to shift gears and suddenly be “Come to Mama, Big Guy.” Think about THAT next time you ask me to spoon feed you homemade soup.
I know there are people who insist that you “don’t really love someone” until you’ve been with them through puking flu symptoms and still think they’re beautiful. First of all, those people are idiots. Secondly, I can be wildly, passionately, and faithfully in love with you for decades, without ever seeing multicolored, rejected bodily fluids projectiling out of every possible orifice. If that’s some sort of cosmic relationship litmus test, I’m destined to die alone, but we’ll deal with at another time. Right now, I’m dealing with 6 feet of honking, hawking, sniffling, sneezing, moaning baby who apparently only has enough strength to eat. Standing in the kitchen over bacon, eggs, and multiple slices of toast, he looked over and sniffled, “You’re supposed to feed a cold. It helps your body heal.” Well, if that’s true, you should expect a spiritual healing in about 20 minutes, because there’s enough calories in that breakfast for 9 people.
By day 5, I was done. “Go to the doctor,” I demanded. “We both know I suck at this nursing thing, and believe it or not, there are people who ENJOY it. They’re called ‘nurses,’ and they pay lots of money to go to school for just this very reason. You can even pick the pretty one. I don’t care. Just GO.”
Two hours later, he came home with a prescription and a smile. “You’re right. She was nice. And pretty.” Good. I’ll go microwave you some canned soup. No. No kisses. Stand over there. Yep, over THERE. I know, sweetie. I love you too.
Janine Huldie says
I thought my husband was the only but job who uttered that saying about feeding a cold. Oh and I hear one more time about drinking tea, when he is sick, I may meet up with you in that extradited country someday soon if mine gets sick again!!
Diana @ Nanny to Mommy says
I have been sick and I am expected to proceed life as normal but when he is sick, although he doesn’t take off work, I have to bend over backwards for him. And I am always more sick than him! :(
Cathy Chester says
Funny story telling a truth that we all know – men can’t handle being sick as well as women can. No news there. My hubby does take care of me very well, but when he’s sick, well, look out!
Funny post.
Cheryl Nicholl says
One word- MEN.
Kate says
Ha! I recently told my boyfriend he should keep some things a mystery. We don’t even live together yet when he is sick he stays at my place so I can take care of him- yes, picking up dirty tissues is a great way to bring us closer…. ew
Vanessa says
It took raising boys of my own to realize – they’re born that way! I’ve got one that checks the internet for every miscellaneous thing he can think of and then really believes he’s dying.
Kath Galasso (@KatsTheory) says
Please tell me how men were designated as the stronger sex? And don’t give me any crap about the hunting and gathering thing. We all know damn well, if we had to, we would have hunted. Though I do believe by bringing men home with us, it shows we cannot be trusted to gather.
Kyle says
Years ago, I told my husband that if he wanted mothering for a minor illness, I would call his mother to come take care of him. It did the trick.
MJM says
You women have it rough with us men when we’re sick…how the poop do you do it without really killing us.
says
Men are such baby. Wait tell Ur sick U will still have to do everything. Oh an next time. Go for the Plop plop fizz fizz :)
Sandy says
Amen!!! A sick husband is WORSE than a sick child, hands down! Great post, funny but so true!
The Dose of Reality says
Hahahahahaha. SO DAMN TRUE!! Our husbands are THE WORST when sick. THE WORST. We’re totally stopping looking at snot, poop, or any other bodily bi-product when our youngest kids each leave the nest. It’s a reasonable policy!!! –the Dose Girls
Shay says
I can never get enough of these posts. I did one a couple of months ago, and it was the easiest blogging day I’d ever had. All I had to do was sneak into the kitchen, grab my little Harriet the Spy blogging notebook, and write down everything he said as he said it. I couldn’t let him find out b/c he would have either quit doing it or he would have tried too hard to be funny if he knew it was going into a post. It was priceless. I LOVE “your balls, maybe?” too. Gonna have to use that one of these days on the hubs!!
Granny Beth says
My husband recently had a sort of bad EEG during a physical.. the doc scheduled another one the day. That night Darling Husband redid his will, confirmed his life insurance,requested a special meal and had me preparing for his imminent death. I ignored him. The next day the EEG was fine, the machine had been on the fritz.
Why? Why?
Laura A. Lord says
Men are TERRIBLE when they are sick. Mine takes his normal cranky bear and ups it by about 50. But of course, as the lady of the house, I could be holding my kidneys in my hands and I’d still be expected to have dinner on the table by six.
Tracie says
My husband is a much more frustrating patient than my daughter. She mostly just wants to watch movies on repeat all day long and needs to be bribed to drink orange juice.
Sara Broers says
My hubby has improved on this- after 27 years. LOL!
Kim says
In our household the roles are reversed and I am the big whiny baby. Thankfully, I’ve managed to be pretty good at playing the “Just bring me something to eat and drink then leave me the eff alone” card. I’m whiny but also can’t stand people bothering me when sick.
Claudia Schmidt says
You always make me laugh! Very relatable, men are the worst when they’re sick. Can you imagine if they had to bear children!? Mine is a mess when he gets a simple cold, it drives me nutso!!
Mandi says
My mother used to complain about what a tittybaby (her words) my dad was when he got sick b/c he would whine and cry and say, “I’ve never been so sick in my life.” Every. Single. Time. I always thought she needed to have more compassion that maybe he was sicker than he’d ever been. And then I got married and realized why my mom smoked so many cigarettes.
Aussa Lorens says
Hahaha! I feel like I’m our husband in this situation! It’s a total role reversal with me and my boyfriend. He’s the never-sick but stoic-when-he-is type and I’ m the “I think I’m dying, this is the end” one. So funny… nice to see what it’s like from his perspective ;)
Lynne says
LOL – this is hysterical! Very blessed that my tough soldier doesn’t put me through this!!
Goddess says
LOVE it! Love the little graphic even more, kinda sums it all up in a neat lil package. Id argue that my hubby is the worst sick human on the planet, worse than any child or wounded animal for that matter!
Mercy says
Sometimes I wish my hubby would turn into a baby when sick. He is more likely to keep working until he collapses and can’t move. He won’t even tell me when he feels sick.