Living in Maui for several years was truly an adventure. There are many cultural idiosyncrasies, and one of them is the thoroughness with which they check you out before they hire you for virtually any job. Since many people move to the Islands specifically to escape (literally or figuratively) from the mainland and become more “one with the universe” (with the first order of business often being a name change from Brunhilde Rabinowitz, stock girl at WalMart in Dayton, Ohio, to “Summer Rain, numerologist and chakra reader, under the waterfalls of Kula”) it behooves employers to dig up a little more information than simply taking your word for who you are and what’s written on your new, fantasy resume.
Having worked in retail since, basically, EVER, I applied for a position of store manager at an upscale Hawaiian boutique. The interview and background check went well, so my next stop was the local Klinika for pre-employment drug screening, universally known as the “pee test.” Never having been pee-tested before and not sure what they were looking for, I had even given up wine while I was job hunting. (Oh sure, NOW I know that they wouldn’t test a 40-yr-old for alcohol, but I was new at this, so I wasn’t taking any chances.)
Pile my then 7-yr-old son, Jake, in the car and drive to the small, island-type structure staffed by 5-6 Hawaiian women in Hibiscus-printed nurses’ outfits. One of them smiled and asked why I was there. Before I could say a word, Jake looks up and announces, “Mommy’s here so you can check her for drugs!” Then he leaned forward and loudly whispered, “And she even quit drinking last week!” Thanks, honey. Now the entire place thinks I’m an alcoholic. That sound you hear is my career going down in flames of palm fronds…
She hands me a little yellow cup, all bound up with what looked like an entire roll of duct tape, with a large key attached to it, and points me to a small room, where I spent the next 20 minutes peeling miles of sticky duct tape off the container (geez, I heard they were tamper-proof, but this was ridiculous), until I FINALLY got the lid off, did my duty for God and King Kamehameha, spent another 20 minutes re-taping the lid, and triumphantly returned my sample to the front desk, at which point the ENTIRE staff burst into hysterical, raucous laughter.
At my confused expression, the nurse wiped her eyes and gleefully choked out, between bouts of uncontrollable mirth, “Thanks, blondie, but your container is on the shelf. You just peed in our key ring. I’ve been here 16 years, and nobody’s EVER done that before! Lady, we’ll be telling this story for years!!”
Dear Lord, if there really is a Rapture, suck me up now…
I’m not gonna lie. I spit coughed coffee all over my desk. That is hysterical! It sounds like something that I would do. Because they ALWAYS hand you the container! ALWAYS!
Kate, I thought they needed to be a tad more clear on exactly which container was supposed to pee in, don’t you agree? :)
Ha! How brave of you to share this story!! Laughing til the tears came!
Rachael, You will soon discover that I’m willing to post most any goofball experience if I think people will laugh! I have no dignity… :)
That could have been ANYONE of us!!! Thank god it was you 1st though!!!! Laughed so hard i cried too!!!!
Thanks, Joy, for saying it wasn’t just ME! Glad to oblige, though… :)
What in the world would I do without the daily dose of, yes, very loud hysterics all by myself, your funniness!!!
Never in my life has anyone EVER made me laugh this hard. Keep up the fabulous, funny, adventures, my girlfriend :-) YOU ARE SOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!
You make me love to write, Marta! THANK YOU for your epic encouragement and “shares!”
Oh my God, that was HILARIOUS! I wanna go do that too. Hm. The Taco Bell down the street has a little toy bucket for its bathroom keychains. Maybe I can fill that puppy up. lol
Thanks for visiting my blog, Chris! Yes, this was one of my more memorable moments… :)
That is definitely the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. I am so entertained imagining you working so hard to undo the tape and then tape it all up again!!
It was a loooong process! Guess I should have asked for help! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment!
Happy New Year. I found you through the Aloha Blog Hop. Stop by and say hi when you get a chance. :)
Hi there! Just stopping over from the blog hope to admire your blog. Now following you on Twitter! If you have a moment to check out my new blog and follow back that would be wonderful. You can find me at http://dysfunctionsjunction.com
Thanks!
Katie from Dysfunction Junction
Thanks, Katie! Loved your blog, and am now following you on Twitter! Is this fun or what? :)
Oh my goodness, Jake is so cute!! How embarassing. Don’t feel bad though. It’s these memories that will provide you with great stories as the years go on. I have quite a few VERY embarassing stories of things I’ve done wrong!!
I hope you’re having a great week and a Happy New Year!
Thank you so much for linking up to last week’s Aloha Friday Blog Hop!! I’m following you.
If you have time, we’d love to have you come and link up to the Aloha Friday Blog Hop if you haven’t already! (Thank you so very much if you’ve already linked up, I truly appreciate it!!)
Come and link up and celebrate the coming weekend with us!
Aloha,
Jean {What Jean Likes}
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Today was my annual employee physical (I work for a hospital), so this was extra funny.
That is hysterical!
I thought I was the only one in the world who had trouble with the pee test, but I think you beat me with that story! You get the Academy Award for funniest story, and I’ll get one for a Supporting role since I peed into a Dixie Cup after not seeing the hermetically sealed cups stored on a high shelf. The nurses laughed at me and wouldn’t touch it. In the end, they had to because I ran out of pee! Great and funny story to read during my morning lull.
So funny! Thanks for sharing, loved the image as well!
LOL! Priceless!
They were probably wondering what the heck you were doing in the bathroom for so long. Oh Man, that is one for the textbooks on humor.
HAHAHA! This is too, too funny! Will have to share with my daughter as she is one of the folks who helps conduct pre-employment pee tests. I’m sure she’s never had such a thing happen either.
That is so funny. You know no work got done the entire time you were in the restroom and none for at least an hour after you left! You certainly did spread the joy!
I know I commented this afternoon but I don’t see it here. I wanted to tell you how funny this was, and how I did a similar thing when I didn’t see the hermetically sealed cups in the bathroom, and used a Dixie cup instead. Your incident was much funnier than mine – I laughed out loud!!
I read this at Triple A, a place that is anything but exciting. And I couldn’t help but laugh out loud!
That is AWESOME! I didn’t see that coming at all…hahaha! Found you on FTSF and so glad I did!
Vicki, I seriously had to take a moment to collect myself and stop laughing to respond here. Honestly, I practically could picture it and then I started laughing all over again. Loved it and thank you for linking this up with us!! :)
OMG AWESOME. Bwhahahah. Peed in the keyring? So not what I was expecting from this post. Love it. :)
My inner self is rolling on the floor screaming with laughter at this; my outer self is pretending to be professional and get on with work (though the large-but-silent grin may give the game away – work’s not meant to look fun). Thanks for sharing.
OMG this is HILARIOUS!!! I cannot stop laughing!!!
OMG, I soooooooo should not have read this one at work – burst into hysterical laughter! Thanks for making my day. :)
Hahahahahahaha!
Oh my! This is totally something I’d do, though I still literally laughed out loud too!
Oh, sweet heavens! I failed a drug screen. My experience says they’re more of an intelligence test, really. I failed. Sadly.
Awesome post!
I am howling…..that is so funny! I love your humor!
Vicki, you are seriously good!!!! I am supposed to be chasing a deadline and here I am….laughing my eyes out!
OMG. SO FUNNY!